The Grief and Happiness Alliance

Self-Care

Grief is a Constant Companion

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I was reading The Lost Bookshop by Evie Woods when I came across a quote that stuck with me: “Grief is a constant companion.” It led me to think about my loved ones who have gone before me. That’s not hard to do since I see reminders of them every day. I had a particular memory come to mind last night.

When I went to bed, the big, full moon filled the window shining brightly. When I see a full moon, I have a memory of Ron, so I smiled at the moon and told Ron hello. The night after he died, several friends who had come to be with him during his last week decided to go on a dinner cruise because our friend who had been barbecuing that week was singing on the cruise that night, and they insisted that I join them. I didn’t want to go, but it did turn out to be a lovely evening.

I sat by myself listening to the music and watching the moon rise. A glimmering trail on the water extended from the moon to the boat, seeming to beckon me to follow it to climb up into the moon to join Ron.  Now whenever I see a big full moon, I feel Ron’s presence. Last night, I awoke feeling like it was daytime because my room was filled with light. I checked my phone which said it was just after 1 AM. I glanced outside to see the full moon again. Ron was just checking in.

Ron’s not the only one. Last night I felt my mother as I was smelling the fragrance of her beef stew recipe I was fixing for dinner. I smile each time I hear an ambulance siren remembering how Dad and Mom and I ran Daddy’s small town ambulance company until I moved away for college. So many friends and family members have graced my life.  I cherish the experiences, support, memories, and love they have left with me. While grief is my constant companion, I choose to focus on the happiness we shared.

 

 

The Grief and Happiness Alliance

Loving and Living Your Way Through Grief

My email is emily@griefandhappiness.com

Let me know if you’d like to receive my newsletters which have lots of good things!

You can listen to my podcast here.

You can join the Grief and Happiness Alliance Gatherings which meet weekly on Sundays by clicking here

You can order the International Best Selling The Grief and Happiness Handbook by clicking here.

You can order The Grief and Happiness Cards by clicking here.

You can order Loving and Living Your Way Through Grief by clicking here.

Be the Reason Someone Smiles

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I drove through the line at Starbucks yesterday, a guilty pleasure I seldom treat myself to. I was looking forward to my order when I noticed a Barista smiling pleasantly at me from the big screen where I gave my order. I don’t know if she always smiles or if she was reflecting my smile to me. I do know that when I noticed her smile, my smile grew even bigger. I was still smiling when I saw a different Barista as I pulled up to the window to pick up my order. She had a big, beautiful smile too!  As I sat in the parking lot to drink my order, I don’t like to drink and drive, my latté seemed to taste better than usual.

I became conscious of my smile when I added the concept of happiness to all I do related to grief. I figured it would be hard to teach about happiness while not smiling. And I was right. On the occasion where I would be concentrating on what I wanted to say about happiness, I forgot to smile, and people didn’t smile at me and didn’t seem interested in what I had to say. I fixed this dilemma by reminding myself to smile each time I used the words “happy” or “happiness.” Smiling at these times enabled me to actually be happy. What a gift!

When I smiled generously to my audience as I taught, I found I was still smiling when my presentation was over.  I loved the feeling my smiles brought to me. So I have been smiling more now than I ever have, and it just keeps getting better. To feel better when you are grieving, start being mindful of your smiles. Increase the number and size of your smile, then notice how much better you feel!

 

The Grief and Happiness Alliance

Loving and Living Your Way Through Grief

My email is emily@griefandhappiness.com

Let me know if you’d like to receive my newsletters which have lots of good things!

You can listen to my podcast here.

You can join the Grief and Happiness Alliance Gatherings which meet weekly on Sundays by clicking here

You can order the International Best Selling The Grief and Happiness Handbook by clicking here.

You can order The Grief and Happiness Cards by clicking here.

You can order Loving and Living Your Way Through Grief by clicking here.

Knot by Knot

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“Knot by Knot I untie myself from the past.” Charles Wright, American Poet

Reading this quote, I reflected on all the knots that I have untied related to grief. Many of the knots were locked in the ropes tightly bound around my feet, my hands, my brain, and my heart. The metaphorical ropes tied to my feet held me in place, not being able to get up from my bed or chair making it impossible to step forward. The ties on my hands held me back from accomplishing even basic tasks, and they thwarted my creativity. The binding of my brain blocked my thoughts. The ropes that enclosed my heart felt the worst as I struggled to feel even basic emotions let alone love of any kind.

After what felt like forever, I started coming out of what appeared as perpetual numbness, I slowly started to feel the tightness of the knots, one by one, and knew I had to start breaking free from the suffocation. Not being a superhero, I found I could not just take a deep breath expanding my chest and break free from all the knots at once, then move forward as if nothing had happened. Instead, I had to become mindful and focus on each knot, one at a time, to sooth the pain they were causing.

Though the siren song of my bed was alluring, I focused on my feet. Not moving caused physical pain and I knew relief could come from getting up, so I did. Venturing outside to sit on my lani, listen to the birds, smell the flowers, and watch the clouds drift by thawed my frozen muscles. The gentle breeze found its way into my lungs and refreshed my soul. As I untied the ropes from my feet, I also removed those ropes and discarded them so they would not have the power to trip me.

One by one I untied each knot. The process was not quick and was guided by where the most pain was occurring. As I released each knot, I thanked the binding for the lesson it gifted me. Being able to release my feet showed me that though I had stayed still for a while, I was perfectly capable of becoming unstuck from my lethargy.

Disentangling all the other interlacements, though challenging, released more freedom. Concentrating on moment by moment, I explored each heartache and started to map my way forward. Now far past my initial grief, I am liberated from all those knots. I worked my way through the complexities that all grieving people experience to some extent.

No matter where you are in your grieving process, know that eventually, knot by knot, you too can release each tie that binds. You will be so glad that you did.

 

The Grief and Happiness Alliance

Loving and Living Your Way Through Grief

My email is emily@griefandhappiness.com

Let me know if you’d like to receive my newsletters which have lots of good things!

You can listen to my podcast here.

You can join the Grief and Happiness Alliance Gatherings which meet weekly on Sundays by clicking here

You can order the International Best Selling The Grief and Happiness Handbook by clicking here.

You can order The Grief and Happiness Cards by clicking here.

You can order Loving and Living Your Way Through Grief by clicking here.

A Natural High

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I saw a commercial on television where people from a neighborhood had gathered to watch a Christmas movie projected on a garage door. Families all seemed to be smiling and happy while enjoying S’mores they made over open fires. What I didn’t understand was that they were all bundled up and sitting in the snow. I’ve never lived in the snow, so this could be common behavior, so it did look strange to me.

After I thought about this cold scene for a while, I realized how good it feels to be outside. I imagine that people in snowy regions don’t spend much time outside, and I think that would be a challenging way to live. I spend time outside every day sitting on my lanai, going for walks, or working in the garden.

Listening to the birds, watching the white, puffy clouds float by, seeing the kaleidoscope of colors in the sky as the sun raises and sets, and watching the moon and stars in the dark sky all are as important to me as the air that I breathe. And I appreciate that fresh air even when I am in the house because most of the time, I have all the windows open so I can appreciate nice, deep breaths of that fresh air all the time.

Wherever you are, whatever kind of weather you are experiencing, find a way to spend at least a little time outside every day.  Be mindful of the comfort of the natural high you feel while enjoying nature. Self-care like this is essential to both your health and your general well-being. Enjoy!

 

The Grief and Happiness Alliance

Loving and Living Your Way Through Grief

My email is emily@griefandhappiness.com

Let me know if you’d like to receive my newsletters which have lots of good things!

You can listen to my podcast here.

You can join the Grief and Happiness Alliance Gatherings which meet weekly on Sundays by clicking here

You can order the International Best Selling The Grief and Happiness Handbook by clicking here.

You can order The Grief and Happiness Cards by clicking here.

You can order Loving and Living Your Way Through Grief by clicking here.

 

 

 

 

 

Wellbeing

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I once heard someone say that when you contribute to the wellbeing of others, you contribute to the wellbeing of yourself. As I reflected on that statement, I realized that I have always loved to help other people out without consideration of what the effects of that kindness had on me.

When I was in elementary school, I always was the first to volunteer to help new students to our school find their way around. Though I was shy around people I knew, I loved meeting new people and learning about their lives. I lived in a small town, so learning how things were different where my new friends had moved from was fascinating to me.

The summer before I entered junior high school, I traveled with my parents by car from California to Miami Beach, Florida for a convention my Father needed to attend. In the deep south I noticed that school playgrounds had students who were all the same color. And I noticed signs saying “White only” over drinking fountains, and on restaurant and rest room doors. When I asked my parents about this, they did not explain anything, but they did tell me to mind the signs.

With my parents’ unwillingness to explain why what I was noticing was happening, I became curious and started reading anything I could find to help me understand.  I received quite an education from all the reading about how people seemed to pay more attention to our differences than to our similarities.  I committed to be kind to people and to not judge them.

I’ve made it my mission to get along with people who others couldn’t. This has allowed me to have unique experiences and opportunities that I wouldn’t have had if I had chosen to worry about what others thought of me. Count on me to stand up for people who need support and to do the jobs that others think are beneath them. This contributed to my wellbeing.

My lifework now is to tend to others who find themselves dealing with grief for so many different reasons. In our culture we are generally compassionate at the time someone is overwhelmed with great loss, but the further away we get from when that loss occurred, the less we think of the person dealing with it. After dealing with people forgetting me when I could really have used the support, I am now remembering those I can help.

Beyond being there, offering love and support, I encourage these friends to realize the importance that happiness plays in helping them to move forward in their quest to discover the joy that is available to them in each moment of the rest of their lives. I smile as I remember each of these people and wish them well on their journeys.

 

The Grief and Happiness Alliance

Loving and Living Your Way Through Grief

My email is emily@griefandhappiness.com

Let me know if you’d like to receive my newsletters which have lots of good things!

You can listen to my podcast here.

You can join the Grief and Happiness Alliance Gatherings which meet weekly on Sundays by clicking here

You can order the International Best Selling The Grief and Happiness Handbook by clicking here.

You can order The Grief and Happiness Cards by clicking here.

You can order Loving and Living Your Way Through Grief by clicking here.

Loving Kindness During the Holidays

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In the holiday season, we tend to rely even more than usual on the service of others. I think most of us have had a variety of service jobs through our lives. I know I have, starting from baby sitting and teaching swimming lessons. I also worked at what we used to call being a waitress. And I was an ambulance attendant and a vocational nurse. I cut grapes in the fields, packed plums, canned tuna, and gleaned corn and peaches.

My first restaurant job came when I came home from high school one day and my father told me that his friend who owned a restaurant had people call in sick for that night and that he really needed help, so my father volunteered me. I had never done that before and felt intimidated when I arrived at 11 PM. I asked Dad’s friend what he wanted me to do. He told me that my parents had taken me out to eat, so I knew how I wanted to be treated by wait staff, so when I served people, I should treat them as I would want to be treated. That was my entire orientation. It was a small 24 hour a day coffee shop, so I had to figure out how to do everything else on my own.

I learned an invaluable lesson that night. I had a good time. I smiled at everyone and treated them like friends. At the end of my shift, I told the owner I would be happy to come back whenever he needed me, so he called me often. I took that smile with me to all those other jobs I had, and I took pride in my work treating each job like it was the most important thing to me at the moment I was working.

What does all this have to do with grief and happiness during the holidays? We come into contact with  many people during the holidays. We shop, we dine out, we go to parties, we go to appointments, we go to work, we go to meetings, we go to classes, and everywhere we go, we interact with people. Chances are you don’t know most of the people you run into, so you don’t know if someone they love is dying or just died. We don’t know if she just had a miscarriage. We don’t know if they lost their home or their job. Even with people we know, we may not know these things about them.

When you think of all these people, remember how my boss oriented me. Treat each person, no matter how well you know or don’t know them, like they are your friend. Smile at them. Notice when they smile back at you or if they may seem to be holding back tears.  Approach them with an open heart. Listen to what they have to say. Be there for them.

During these holidays, see how much loving kindness you can share with a smile.

 

The Grief and Happiness Alliance

Loving and Living Your Way Through Grief

My email is emily@griefandhappiness.com

Let me know if you’d like to receive my newsletters which have lots of good things!

You can listen to my podcast here.

You can join the Grief and Happiness Alliance Gatherings which meet weekly on Sundays by clicking here

You can order the International Best Selling The Grief and Happiness Handbook by clicking here.

You can order The Grief and Happiness Cards by clicking here.

You can order Loving and Living Your Way Through Grief by clicking here.