Smile

Stuck

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When I read what people are saying in some of the grief groups I follow, I notice that many people are stuck in their grief. The gist of what I hear is that people feel that if they lighten up on their grief, they somehow will lose the connection with their loved one who died.  The people who express this seem so sad, unable to connect with their new situation of their loved one’s passing. They seem to feel that they must stay sad because being happy in their situation feels like a betrayal to their loved one.

I was writing the other day about how my husbands would like for me to deal with my life now. In the process of writing, I felt my husbands smiling at me, so I started to smile while I was writing. When that happened, I realized that my husbands would want me to be happy. I remembered how when we first got together, Ron was always telling me to smile.  I was so serious then. As I looked in the mirror, I could see how much better I looked when I was smiling, and that smiling actually was making me feel better, lighter, and happy.

All of us people grieving will experience periods of yearning or sadness.  The key is to recognize these feelings, experience them, thank them, then release them and smile even if smiling is a challenge.  When we stay stuck in these feelings, that is all we are concentrating on.  Time goes on, and we aren’t moving forward with it because all we can think about is our loved one. When you find yourself falling into this abyss, take a few slow, deep breaths to center yourself, and commit to yourself to release those feelings.  And when they come back, do this again.  The more you recognize what you are doing, the easier it will be to deal with your feelings.

Make your journal your friend.  When you start feeling that sadness, anxiety, or yearning, write about what you are feeling. Include why you are feeling the way you are right now. What triggered this feeling?  For instance, if whenever you eat apple pie, you remember how much your loved one loved apple pie and always had to have two servings each time you made it. You find yourself feeling blue when you remember this.  Take some time to explore this feeling. My main memory of apple pie was how much I enjoyed making apple pie because Ron loved it so much, and it made him smile. Instead of staying stuck in that sadness you I was feeling, I could smile at the happiness of the memory.  You will be amazed how you can shift your reaction to your memories in a positive way so that you can release the sadness and replace it with the good memory.

I challenge you to pick up your journal each time you start feeling the negative emotions and find the joy in the experience you remember. Focus on that joy, and in the process, release that sadness.  The more you do this, the happier you will become until you find yourself naturally feeling the happiness while releasing the negativity.

You can do this.  You can be happy.  Your loved one would want you to be happy.

 

I would be happy to put you on the reminder list for or Writing Together Through Grief occurring on Saturdays each week by sending an email to me to emily@lovingandlivingyourwaythroughgrief.com and giving me your email address.

You can order Loving and Living Your Way Through Grief  by clicking here at Amazon.

Taking Care of Yourself

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I had a good friend who was there for me years ago when I was struggling with my grief.  My parents had died, and I had such a big hole in my life. My Dad died first, suddenly, and I had so much to do with helping mom deal with all that needed to be done, and I had a family to take care of, and two jobs. What that all led to for me was blocking my dealing with my own grief. My mom lived a few more years.  I had so much to do for her. I ended up bringing her to live with me which was challenging because of the effects of the brain tumor she had. For the last few months of her life, she finally consented to have someone stay with her around the clock at her home. She lived an hour away from me, so there were many hours of driving. And after she died, she left so much for me to take care of.

I simply didn’t have time to grieve, so I tucked my grief away where it seemed to grow and fester.  At that time, I had a close friend. He knew my mom, and he had dealt with the death of his mother years before. He was safe. I didn’t have to put on my public front that I had been using for work and my other activities. I didn’t have to be strong like I felt I needed to be for my children and my husband who were all close to mom and relied on me to support them through their grief. He was just there with no demands or expectations of me.

I could tell him anything about what I was experiencing, and I knew he wouldn’t judge me. He just listened to me as I felt sorry for myself or got frustrated with the situation. And he didn’t tell me what I needed to do. I really didn’t want advice. I just wanted to talk.

There were also times when I didn’t want to talk, and he was OK with that. He didn’t make me feel guilty about what I was or wasn’t doing. I know that he couldn’t “make me” feel anything, but having others have expectations of me was a challenge.  I only took one day off from my teaching job when mom died, and one day off for her funeral. Even though I worked full time, I was not entitled to bereavement leave. I was expected to continue working at the same level without anyone even noticing how hard that was, how fragile I felt.

When he noticed that I wasn’t eating, he’d bring me food.  He didn’t ask me if I wanted something to eat, he just brought me familiar foods and he would eat with me knowing that I probably wouldn’t eat if he wasn’t there.  He also noticed when something needed fixing and just fixed it without me asking him to. His kindness allowed me to breathe when I felt under great pressure.

I have been asked about self-care, what that actually means for grieving. In answering that question, I reflected on my friend.  Caring for myself, I followed his example which would be a good start for you doing your own self-care. First, I didn’t put pressure on myself. I didn’t have to live up to anyone else’s expectations.  When I didn’t want to be around people, I chose to stay at home and read, watch a movie, or take a bubble bath. When I did want to go someplace, I would ask a friend to go with me which provided a buffer or escape if something came up that I didn’t want to face at the moment.

If I wanted to talk to someone, I would make a phone call. And if I didn’t want to talk to someone but needed to vent or deal with feelings, I got our my journal and write until I didn’t need to write anymore.

I would remember that I needed to eat, and I would make wise choices about which food would serve me best. I did, however, stop by the bakery that was close to campus for a maple bar and milk when I went in at early hours.  Treating myself occasionally to something special felt good, and I would smile. And I would notice when something needed to be done and take care of it. This felt good, too, knowing that I was capable of taking good care of myself.

I also started working on my smile. I realized that I didn’t have to have someone there to smile at.  I could smile just for me, and when I did smile, I felt better. I would practice smiling in the mirror, or I would find something funny to read or watch on television. Smiling seemed to release something inside of me that allowed me to feel good.

I encourage you to think about someone special who has taken care of you. Or think of a friend who was there right when you needed. Think also about any kindnesses people have done for you. Write these things in your journal, then when you are ready for some self-care, do these things for you. Pamper yourself. Wrap yourself up in your own love. Remember how special you are. And live your best life. This is the greatest self-care.

 

I would be happy to put you on the reminder list for or Writing Together Through Grief occurring on Saturdays each week by sending an email to me to emily@lovingandlivingyourwaythroughgrief.com and giving me your email address.

You can order Loving and Living Your Way Through Grief  by clicking here at Amazon.

Christmas Songs

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I watched a little television special with holiday songs last night, and it brought back many memories.  I started putting specific memories with songs, and it wove a lovely tapestry for me of Christmas throughout my life.

My first memory of a Christmas song was of Daddy singing “All I want for Christmas is my two front teeth” to me.  Now, he wasn’t a singer, but I was missing those teeth, and he would get so tickled singing the song that we laughed a lot. Daddy also loved to sing “I Saw Mommy Kissing Santa Claus,” and he’d steal a kiss every time he sang it.

“Away in a Manger” was the song I remembered from church. Not knowing my eventual affinity for theatre, what I remember is how much I wanted to play the part of Mary, what my costume would look like, how long I would have to sit perfectly still because that was what all the Mary’s in the nativity scenes did, who would play the part of the baby, and where did baby’s come from anyway?

I loved to go caroling and sing “Joy to the World,” “Deck the Halls,” and “Jingle Bells.”  And I swooned when I heard Elvis sing “Blue Christmas” on the radio. I also liked (at that time) “The Chipmunk Song” (Christmas Don’t be Late,) because we actually had a chipmunk living is a cage at our house, a gift that soon went to my aunt for her elementary school classroom. And in high school we loved to dance to “Jingle Bell Rock” at our winter formal.

When I went away to college, the holidays were lonely and I’d listen to “Have Yourself a Merry Little Christmas,” and “I’ll Be Home for Christmas” and cry a little. I knew that the big family gatherings would never be the same as all my older cousins were moving away and getting married. I dreamed about what my upcoming holidays would hold.

When my babies were little, all the lyrics of all the Christmas songs I had learned over the years came back to me, and I was singing to them all the time. I loved to hold them tight and see the joy on their faces.

My husband Jacques was a fabulous singer, and he’d sing Christmas songs every chance he got.  One of his favorites was “Baby it’s Cold Outside.” I know that song is out of favor now, but my memory of it was the joy he showed when he sang it with someone and how playful they made it.  I always wished my voice was good enough to sing it with him. He also loved playing Santa in the plush costume I made for him. He was even Santa in the advertisements for the big mall. We was so cute in that suit with his real salt and pepper hair and beard. I always think of him when I hear “Here Comes Santa Claus.”

My husband Ron introduced me to “Love Actually,” a romantic movie he watched at least once every year. And, of course, I love the song they sang in that movie, especially when he sang it to me: “All I Want for Christmas is You!”  Last night I heard his favorite Christmas song, “Mary Did You Know,” and it brought tears.

And now that I live in Hawaii, I love “Mele Kalikimaka.”

What are your special holiday songs?  How do they make you feel? What memories come up when you hear them? Holidays can be lonely when you are dealing with loss, but they also can be happy when you fill them with memories. You can find your favorite songs on YouTube and other places online. Put them on, crank them up, and sing along with tears, or joy, or both!  Happy Holidays!

 

Pre-order my book Loving and Living Your Way Through Grief by clicking here.

Sign up for my free Zoom class: Writing Together Through Grief by clicking here.

How is Your Day?

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I woke up this morning feeling so good, and It made me think.  We all notice when we don’t feel good, and then we spend time and energy dealing with that. But I was thinking instead this morning of how wonderful it is to just feel good. I started looking at what was different in my life right now that is contributing to this elation.

Sunday my friend invited me to her house for dinner with a couple of other friends.  (We did social distance) After dinner, we played a card game named Uno Flip.  I had played Uno years ago, but I never played Flip.  We had so much fun that we all laughed for an hour.  I realized then that though I am happy, I hadn’t laughed that much in years.  My whole body felt good. Though that was 4 days go, I still feel great.  I am sure that was the start of this good feeling.

In addition to that, I have committed to going on a walk every day.  I have been listening to a book as I walk, but this morning, I decided to just enjoy the silence, the birds, and the breeze. I reflected as I walked on how much I love where I live.  I can see both sides of the island as I walk, and there is such a wide variety of tropical flowers that I took time to observe and enjoy.

I also have been writing every day. Although I am an author and I teach writing, I’ve been taking a couple of online writing classes to just explore ideas and writing techniques.  I am discovering more about me and am having some powerful inspiration which is fun to pursue. I even decided to teach a Zoom writing class on Saturdays to explore writing through grief. There is no charge and no pressure with this class. I’d love to have you join if you are interested.

I’ve also been gardening, cooking, reading, and painting, so much fun!  I hear people say they are so bored with the shutdown and restrictions because of the pandemic, but I haven’t felt that at all.  I fill my time with what I enjoy, and I never run out of things to do even if it is sitting in my comfy chair in my back yard, listening to all the birds sing, and sipping some refreshing iced water.

One of my favorite songs is Lovely Day by Bill Withers. As I walked by a picture of Ron and I today, I blew him a kiss and thought of this song. Look at a picture of your loved one, smile, and listen to this song. Lovely Day

I wish for you a lovely day.

 

Sign up for my Writing Together Through Grief Zoom Class here

I’ve Got the Cure For You!

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My son introduced me to a new song by Rick Astley named Dance.  The lyrics are: “I’ve got the cure for you. All you gotta do is dance.” Watching it reminded me how good it feels to dance. It gets my heart pumping and my energy up.

I thought about one of my first dates with Ron.  I always had dreamed about having a strong partner who was taller that I am who I could dance with.  I am six feet tall, and Ron was 6”2”, and I sure hoped he could dance! We went to my high school reunion.  They had a band, and everyone was dancing. He was hesitant to dance, so I didn’t know what to expect. But the music was so good, we ended up on the dance floor.

He could dance. He could dance so well! As we danced, the other couples moved away from us and ended up watching us and clapped at the end of the song! We had so much fun!  He told me that in high school he wanted to dance but was afraid that girls would say no when he’d ask.  His solution was to teach himself to dance so well that the girls would be asking him.

We danced often in Maui. It felt so good. I remember how surprised Shena seemed to be by Ron’s dancing. She said, “He’s got some moves!” I can’t help but smile when I think about dancing with him. My dream of a dance partner came true.

Ron and I hadn’t been together long when I had to have knee surgery for a complicated problem.  He came over before dawn to pick me up to take me to the hospital. I had told him about how my friend Yvonne had told me she wanted to be with someone who would dance in the kitchen with her, so we had started dancing in the kitchen sometimes when I was cooking.  That morning he took me into the kitchen, turned on the boom box that he brought with him, playing one of our favorite slow songs and took me into his arms to dance. He wanted us to have a dance together because we weren’t sure how long it would be before I could dance again.

Oh, how I loved to dance with him. I miss that closeness. Now I dance by myself. There are so many free dance classes on YouTube, and I can just pick something to suit my mood. It’s a great way to get some exercise and pump up my spirits.

I was just talking with a dear friend of mine who is dealing with the recent unexpected loss of her loved one. She told me about how one of her girlfriends came over with some food and a bottle of wine and played music from her phone and they danced for two hours. She said they smiled and laughed and danced until they were worn out, and it was such a perfect release for her. What a wonderful gift to give to a friend.

When you hit a low spot, remember this. Turn up some toons and dance!

Come on Over to the Bright Side!

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When Jacques died, I didn’t see anything as positive.  My world was dark.  Most of those who I thought were my friends were no place to be found. I didn’t have anyone to talk to. And I became really good at feeling sorry for myself. I was not happy living this way.

I had not been working at a paying job for over two years as I stayed home to care for Jacques. I was contemplating what I was supposed to be doing then when someone I used to work with called me and offered me a job. My knee jerk reaction was to decline because I had left the job I had working with her because the workplace environment had become impossible, filled with negativity.  I knew that I never wanted to be surrounded by all that again.  Then she explained to me that there had been a major change essentially dividing the department in two.  She was in the new department, and all those with the negativity were in the old department. She said the new department was a wonderful place to work and invited me to “Come on over to the bright side.”  I did, and I am grateful.

This experience taught me that I could choose where I wanted to be, and I wanted to be surrounded by positive, happy, creative people. It also taught me the importance of me focusing on being positive, happy, and creative, no matter what I was dealing with.  This changed my life.  I worked to lift myself up from the depression of grief I had been dealing with and to find a way in each situation to find what was good and stay positive.

I saw an interview this week of the uncle of Jacob Blake, the man who had been shot in the back seven times by a police officer. Jacob’s uncle said his family was “on top of the world.” He said they we so happy because they weren’t going to a funeral. Then I heard a reporter who had a phone interview with Jacob who was in his hospital bed. Jacob said he was grateful to be alive and that he wouldn’t let this incident bring him down. I was struck by the positivity of this family.  I felt that no matter how challenging things became for them, they would get through it together focusing on what is good and positive.

This reminded me of seeing a video of George Floyd’s little daughter sitting on his shoulders, both of them smiling and laughing. George was killed by the police which started enormous demonstrations across our country which are still going on focusing on the reform of law enforcement. And what George’s little daughter said was “My Daddy changed the world.”

Each of us can change the world starting with focusing on the positive.  There is so much good in our lives. I start every day with writing a list of what I am grateful for in my journal. I have filled several journals since I started doing this, and I am amazed at all the things I am grateful for, and I never run out of positive things to say. I also write in my journal every day, and I focus there on making everything positive.  Can you imagine how wonderful our country could be if everyone started focusing on what is good about it? Focusing on the love we all can share?

 

I am focusing on finding what is positive about every situation, spreading love and joy. I invite you to join me in this campaign. Come on over to the bright side!