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Playing

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I was on a Zoom call this week with someone who I have been working with on a big project. I said something that indicated my age, and she was shocked. She was just amazed that I am as old as I am. I was tickled, but it led me to think about how I appear to people. I started thinking about people I know who are years younger than I am, but to me they seem older.  I also have friends who are older that I am who look younger. I wondered why this happens.

My mother seemed older than her years, and I attribute that to beliefs she had of how things should be. She wore her hair short and had it done at a beauty salon every week where it was sprayed so heavily that it looked the same by the next week when she returned to have it done again. When I reached a certain age, she encouraged me to do the same. She was so disappointed that I let my hair grown long.  She also dressed a certain way that she deemed appropriate for her age.

My mother’s example to me was inspiration to do the opposite. I love to wear bright colors in any style I choose.  I wear basically shorts and sundresses since I live in Hawaii. I love game night with friends. I love to be outside and go for walks to enjoy the wonders of Maui. And I still teach writing online at California State University in Bakersfield, so I am frequently interacting with young people and having great conversations.

How would you define “acting your age”? Sometimes I feel old when I don’t have the energy I’d like, and other times I feel ageless when laughing with friends.  I love the creative challenge of keeping up with my social media for my book and the Grief and Happiness Alliance. I also love taking classes in anything that interests me like speed reading and drawing. And I love to get lost in a good book or movie. I smile much when I am doing any of these things.

All I enjoy doing feels like playing to me. I do what I love to do, not what I have to do. I heard someone say, “It’s not that you stop playing because you are getting older, it’s that you get older because you stop playing.” That rings true for me. Playing brings much happiness to my life, so I play lots and feel so much younger than my birth date says.

I hope you play too!

 

You can join the Grief and Happiness Alliance which meets weekly on Sundays by clicking here.

You can order Loving and Living Your Way Through Grief by clicking here at Amazon:

You can listen to my podcast, Grief and Happiness, by clicking here

You can order the International Best Selling book in 9 countries that I wrote a chapter in, Ignite Forgiveness, by clicking here

 

 

Writing Through Trauma

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This Sunday was a beautiful winter day in Hawaii with the temperature in the 70’s and the sky blue with white, puffy clouds. I facilitated a meeting of the Grief and Happiness Alliance that went so well.  The meeting felt good. I felt that each participant had been touched in a way that brought them comfort. That was my goal.

After the meeting I heard a gut-wrenching sound from outside. My dear friend from across the street was yelling at her dog to stop, and the next sound I heard was of her agony. I rushed to her side in the street where she knelt with her precious dog.  Neighbors ran out to help, and I snapped into emergency mode like I had done so many times as an EMT on ambulance calls to accidents. We worked together to dispatch the dog and the family to the emergency veterinarian, when just like that, all the people were gone, and I was alone in the street. As the adrenalin wore off, I saw that I had a job to do.  I couldn’t have my friends come home to the scene on the road, so I got out my hose and broom.

All too soon they were back home without the one who had been their constant, loving companion. We sat together sharing that tremendous immediate grief, with tears, hugs, and Kleenex. Feeling like my breath had been taken away, I eventually went home. I was shaking and struggling to not fall apart. When this grief hit, my past grief and trauma came flooding back to me. I couldn’t sleep that night with the inflammation that comes with stress causing everything to hurt.  Finally, at 4 AM, I gave up trying to sleep, but my thoughts wouldn’t stop.  I always start my morning practice with meditation, but this morning I couldn’t get started with that.

I knew I had to do something, so I got out my journal and my words flowed on to the page.  I wrote, and wrote, and wrote. As I finished with one thought, another started that needed to be revealed. I don’t know how long I wrote, but the writing gradually slowed till I knew it was time to stop. As the writing slowed, so did my breath and my tension. I felt the physical release of my muscles being able to relax. I did some slow, conscious breathing and felt a lightness and peace enter my being and was so relieved.

When I help others with grief, I suggest different forms of writing because I know how much it helps.  With the writing I did with this experience, I discovered profound comfort that I don’t know I could have found any other way. This reinforced for me not only the importance of writing to deal with grief, but also the necessity of it. And writing can be used at any time with grief from anticipatory grief to the grief that pops us years after the initial cause.

What I wrote in my journal was not for anyone else to see, and I doubt that I will go back and read it. The cleansing that came from that writing was so powerful that I was able to allow myself to shift away from the disabling thoughts my monkey mind was screaming, to the quiet of the peace that comes with acceptance.  I will always miss that precious dog. He visited me often and was part of my Ohana, the Hawaiian word for family.

The good news here is that we can all move through initial trauma by practicing the best self-care. And writing out your feelings is a great way to get started.

 

 

Get your Awaken Your Happiness Journaling Guide at no charge by clicking here: https://www.griefandhappiness.com/pl/2147595767

You can join the Grief and Happiness Alliance which meets weekly on Sundays by clicking here: https://www.griefandhappiness.com/offers/ytK7eLBa

You can order Loving and Living Your Way Through Grief by clicking here at Amazon:

https://www.amazon.com/Loving-Living-Your-Though-Grief/dp/1642504823/ref=tmm_pap_swatch_0?_encoding=UTF8&qid=1658356016&sr=8-1

You can listen to my podcast, Grief and Happiness, here: https://podcasts.apple.com/us/podcast/loving-and-living-your-way-through-grief-with/id1509589686?i=1000535381763

You can order the International Best Selling book in 9 countries that I wrote a chapter in, Ignite Forgiveness, here:

https://smile.amazon.com/Ignite-Forgiveness-Journey-Peace-Harmony-ebook/dp/B0BLFCYYD6/ref=sr_1_1?crid=9C6VAFE42H5C&keywords=ignite+forgiveness+book&qid=1669836040&sprefix=Ignite+forg%2Caps%2C284&sr=8-1

New Year, New You

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While time may seem to stand still while in early grief, it will start picking up speed. Now, each year now seems to fly by faster than the last. The good news is there are ways you can more effectively deal with time to make it your friend.

I know I say this often, but I learned by experience to stay focused on the moment. By being present in each moment, a moment at a time is manageable. In this moment, I am writing to you to help you feel better as I listen to Yo-Yo Mah play Bach on his cello, with the birds in my yard singing cheery songs to each other while feeling a light cool breeze on a sunny day with blue skies. What a lovely way to spend these moments with you.

When you fill your life with all that is good and beautiful, there’s not so much room left to slide into the blues.  Look around you right now and identify 10 good and/or beautiful things you enjoy. While you did this little exercise, I doubt you had room left in your moment for any sadness to sneak in. How easy was that!

I love to make lists because I learn so much from them. You could make a list of 5 things you love to eat that you haven’t had in a while. Then plan how to work those 5 things into your food planning for this week.  Things on my list would be things like marmalade; fresh baked bread; spinach salad with strawberries, goat cheese, and poppyseed dressing; homemade pizza, and Ben and Jerry’s Chunky Monkey ice cream of course.

Try writing a list of friends you’d like to talk to, then call them or invite them out for coffee. Or you could make a list of movies you’d like to see or books you’d like to read. Or make a list of creative things you’d like to try.  I taught myself how to paint watercolor flowers by watching YouTube videos, and I taught myself how to draw by taking a class at a local art center. The gist here is to do something. Anything. Get creative and see what you come up with, then do it!

After my husband died, I realized that the new year was approaching, and I decided I had to make a change. I had been spending way too much of my time alone, not doing anything in particular. In the past I had made New Year’s Resolutions, but like most of us, I forgot what most of them were by the end of January.  I decided that I would set one intention for the year and stick to it.  I just had to figure out what that intention would be. What came to me was to accept invitations. I hadn’t been receiving any invitations, but my feeling was so strong to make this my intention that I decided to give it a try.

Some of the invitations were for little things and others were huge, and I had an amazing time with all I did. I realized that I actually had some invitations before this, but then I automatically turned them down because I was grieving and didn’t want to be a wet blanket. Giving up that sad story allowed me to do things I wouldn’t have dreamed of before from watching a movie my friend suggested, to going to a Patti LaBelle concert, to being on the Ethics Committee for the local medical center, to driving the follow car for a 24-hour bicycle race, to creating a film festival, to going to South Africa! Whew! That’s a lot, but I did even more.

My intention became to say yes first, then allow myself to figure things out. This year of Yes changed my life.  I found that I enjoyed my job teaching at the university much more, I made new friends, I found a new place for me to live, and I smiled. I smiled a lot. My aches and pains and physical complaints melted away. I felt so much better.  And I felt so good, that I found it easy to stay positive and live my life full out in a way that supported me and made me happy, so I have kept it up.

This year my intention was to publish another book and become a best-selling author. I became an international best-selling author when I wrote a chapter for Ignite Forgiveness and that intention came true the first weekend that was published.  And I am finishing up my next book that is being published in March. If you asked me after either of my husband’s died if I would ever do all the things I listed here, I wouldn’t have believed you. But I did all this and much more by learning to say yes and believe that I could fulfill the intentions I make.

As you look at this upcoming year, decide what intention you are going to write. Try choosing just one knowing that it will happen. And when it does, choose another. Your beautiful, surprising life is just waiting for you to say YES!

 

Get your Awaken Your Happiness Journaling Guide at no charge by clicking here: https://www.griefandhappiness.com/pl/2147595767

You can join the Grief and Happiness Alliance which meets weekly on Sundays by clicking here: https://www.griefandhappiness.com/offers/ytK7eLBa

You can order Loving and Living Your Way Through Grief by clicking here at Amazon:

https://www.amazon.com/Loving-Living-Your-Though-Grief/dp/1642504823/ref=tmm_pap_swatch_0?_encoding=UTF8&qid=1658356016&sr=8-1

You can listen to my podcast, Grief and Happiness, here: https://podcasts.apple.com/us/podcast/loving-and-living-your-way-through-grief-with/id1509589686?i=1000535381763

You can order the International Best Selling book in 9 countries that I wrote a chapter in, Ignite Forgiveness, here:

https://smile.amazon.com/Ignite-Forgiveness-Journey-Peace-Harmony-ebook/dp/B0BLFCYYD6/ref=sr_1_1?crid=9C6VAFE42H5C&keywords=ignite+forgiveness+book&qid=1669836040&sprefix=Ignite+forg%2Caps%2C284&sr=8-1

Finding Happiness During The Holidays

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If you are anticipating that your holidays will not be the same as they were before, you are correct. They won’t be the same, yet when you look at all your holidays past, none of them were the same. Now is the time to take really good care of yourself and create the holidays you would like to have this year.

Consider what is most important to you during the season. Prioritize what you would love to experience.  Here are some ideas.

  • What holiday event have you always wanted to go to but for some reason, it didn’t fit into your plans in the past.
    • Have you been to a live performance of the Nutcracker Ballet?
    • How about a performance of Handle’s Messiah?
    • Maybe there is a local play or choir concert.
  • What could you do to serve those less fortunate where you live?
    • Maybe you could plan a pampering day for women in a local shelter.
    • If you’d like a big holiday dinner, who can you invite who would have been alone at dinner time?
    • Is there a local food drive you could make a part of your new holiday tradition?
  • Maybe you could do something special for the children in your family or neighborhood.
    • Gathering children to do a craft project to create a paper chain where they write their wishes on the links could be fun.
    • You could gather some children and read positive stories to them.
    • You could accompany children to go caroling around the neighborhood or to a senior center
    • Schedule selfcare just to pamper you.
    • Schedule a manicure or a facial.
    • Invite a friend you’d love to spend some time with to coffee or to lunch.
    • Go someplace you have never been before for the holidays

On every holiday, I write a letter to who I am grieving. In my case, there are several people, so there are several letters.  I take my time with each letter writing out whatever I want to tell them.  Sometimes I have tears when I write the letters, and just as often, I smile.  I open my heart and reflect on how my life is going, and most times, despite some sorrow, I feel better each time I write the letters.

My favorite part of my letter writing is that after I write each letter, I write a second letter from the person I wrote to back to me. I don’t think about what I write or judge what I am saying.  I just let my thoughts flow, and when I finish the letter, I take a deep breath, and then I read that letter.  This is a time of discovery for me. I reflect on the depth of love, respect, caring, and kindness of the loved ones I am corresponding with. And I know each of them is always in my heart forever.

Instead of anticipating sorrow for the season, focus on planning joy. Focus on your precious self. When you take good care of yourself first, you can relish in the discover of the joy and positivity that will flow your way.

 

 

Get your Awaken Your Happiness Journaling Guide at no charge by clicking here: https://www.griefandhappiness.com/pl/2147595767

You can join the Grief and Happiness Alliance which meets weekly on Sundays by clicking here: https://www.griefandhappiness.com/offers/ytK7eLBa

You can order Loving and Living Your Way Through Grief by clicking here at Amazon:

https://www.amazon.com/Loving-Living-Your-Though-Grief/dp/1642504823/ref=tmm_pap_swatch_0?_encoding=UTF8&qid=1658356016&sr=8-1

You can listen to my podcast, Grief and Happiness, here: https://podcasts.apple.com/us/podcast/loving-and-living-your-way-through-grief-with/id1509589686?i=1000535381763

You can order the International Best Selling book in 9 countries that I wrote a chapter in, Ignite Forgiveness, here:

https://smile.amazon.com/Ignite-Forgiveness-Journey-Peace-Harmony-ebook/dp/B0BLFCYYD6/ref=sr_1_1?crid=9C6VAFE42H5C&keywords=ignite+forgiveness+book&qid=1669836040&sprefix=Ignite+forg%2Caps%2C284&sr=8-1

 

Can You Change?

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Whether you like it or not, change happens.  Whether you want it or not, change happens. Have you ever thought about that? As much as we expect or would love for things not to change, almost everything does.

When I was growing up, everyone I knew was expected to graduate from high school and get a job that would last a lifetime. At least the boys were.  The girls were expected to stay home to be great mothers and homemakers, and oh the guilt if a girl dared to go to college. I did buck the trend. I went to college, but after a year, I got married. The pressure to do what I was supposed to do was so strong that I gave in to try to be “normal.”

Though it took me years, I finally realized that I could make decisions. I’m so glad I did.  I made my own decisions, and this was so freeing for me, and for my family and loved ones. I learned that I didn’t have to stay in a job I thought was a lifetime career when it was no longer in alignment with what I believed.  Years passed in that dream job before I started realizing I was surrounded by racism and homophobia. And when I walked away from that job, a whole knew, beautiful career opened up for me that never would have had I not been open to change.

Do you willingly embrace change, or do you resist changing what you are comfortable with? Generally, we are not prepared to change when we are comfortable with our lives. But we don’t always know when change will come, so we can’t prepare.  Devastation can come with a traffic accident, a crime committed, a wedding cancelled, a child with a physical challenge is born, or a terminal illness is diagnosed.

The key to dealing with change in a positive way is to be flexible, open, and willing for things to be different. That’s the way to welcome change when grief comes. When we come to accept that things will never be the same as they were before, then we can start to see that we can live with how things have become different.

I had never lived alone before Jacques died, and I had no idea what to do by myself. But I was by myself and had to figure it out. I did sit by myself at home for quite a while until I knew I that I didn’t want to be sad and lonely forever. When that realization came, I did start to open. I started volunteering. I started going to events, even by myself. I accepted invitations. I can’t say this was easy, at least at first. But the more I did, the more I could do.

Change was gradual, and it was also necessary and beautiful. Thirty-year old me would not have believed that I would ever become a university lecturer, the owner of a theatre, school of arts, art gallery, café and catering company, author, speaker, and so much more. I am so grateful, that I allowed myself to break away from who I thought I was supposed to be and have become who I always had the potential to be.

You have the potential to nurture yourself positively through your grief and lead the miraculous life that is waiting for you.

 

 

Get your Awaken Your Happiness Journaling Guide at no charge by clicking here: https://www.griefandhappiness.com/pl/2147595767

You can join the Grief and Happiness Alliance which meets weekly on Sundays by clicking here: https://www.griefandhappiness.com/offers/ytK7eLBa

You can order Loving and Living Your Way Through Grief by clicking here at Amazon:

https://www.amazon.com/Loving-Living-Your-Though-Grief/dp/1642504823/ref=tmm_pap_swatch_0?_encoding=UTF8&qid=1658356016&sr=8-1

You can listen to my podcast, Grief and Happiness, here: https://podcasts.apple.com/us/podcast/loving-and-living-your-way-through-grief-with/id1509589686?i=1000535381763

You can order the International Best Selling book in 9 countries that I wrote a chapter in, Ignite Forgiveness, here:

https://smile.amazon.com/Ignite-Forgiveness-Journey-Peace-Harmony-ebook/dp/B0BLFCYYD6/ref=sr_1_1?crid=9C6VAFE42H5C&keywords=ignite+forgiveness+book&qid=1669836040&sprefix=Ignite+forg%2Caps%2C284&sr=8-1

The Truth

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Do you always tell the absolute truth? The most common answer to this question is “Of course I only tell the truth!” But do you? Really?

Years ago, there were many stories that I told. I wasn’t trying to be dishonest. I was trying to feel better about myself.  I felt that I could be seen in a better light if I just enhanced what I was saying just a little bit, but if that enhancement didn’t happen or didn’t happen the way I described, what I said wasn’t the truth.

One relationship I had ended badly, so when anyone would ask me about it, the story I told made me a victim and the other person the villain. I wasn’t exactly lying. I was trying to be persuasive and get sympathy. I look back now at my sorry self and see how what I said just made things worse.

Can you think of a time when you fudged a little? Something could be as simple as writing the weight you’d like to be rather than your actual weight on a health questionnaire is an example. Or something like telling yourself that buying just one extra carton of ice cream won’t affect your weight, when you know for you that one extra carton leads to three since they are on such a good sale.

Your dishonestly can be even more troubling when you say what you want to be true, like telling someone you love them because they said it first instead of recognizing that is not how you feel at that point.  You aren’t telling the truth when you embellish what you are saying like “That pie you made was so good,” when you knew it was a struggle to take another bite.  You just didn’t want to hurt the baker’s feelings. What you didn’t know when you said that was because of your compliment, that baker made several of that same pie for the bake sale later that week.  Those poor people who bought something they thought would be good and your baker friend lost their reputation as a good cook.

Little lies can build up locking you in a trap of having to create bigger lies to cover up for the first thing you said. Maybe when asked about the skills of a friend, you exaggerated because you knew that what you said could get them the job they needed. When that didn’t work out, then you found yourself being more dishonest when you tried to cover for what you said in the first place.

Lies we tell ourselves while we are grieving are things like, “I will never be happy again,” or “I can’t get over how I am feeling.”  What do you say about your grief that isn’t exactly true or that you don’t know if it is true or not?  Remember, if you say something often enough, it can become your truth. And I know you would love to feel better.

Be mindful of what you say. When you aren’t completely sure if something is completely true, don’t say it. What often happens is that we speak first and think about what we said later. The trouble with this is once the words come out of your mouth, you can’t take them back.

When I finally realized that I was not being exactly truthful because it was easier or because I just didn’t think before I spoke, I knew that not being in integrity was hurting me. Now I have developed the habit of being mindful of what I say, of thinking before I speak. I no longer embellish, exaggerate, or just fudge a little with what I say. Changing this behavior was not quick and took dedication, and it was so worth it.

True happiness can only come with true integrity.

 

 

 

Get your Awaken Your Happiness Journaling Guide at no charge by clicking here: https://www.griefandhappiness.com/pl/2147595767

You can join the Grief and Happiness Alliance which meets weekly on Sundays by clicking here: https://www.griefandhappiness.com/offers/ytK7eLBa

You can order Loving and Living Your Way Through Grief by clicking here at Amazon.

https://www.amazon.com/Loving-Living-Your-Though-Grief/dp/1642504823/ref=tmm_pap_swatch_0?_encoding=UTF8&qid=1658356016&sr=8-1

You can listen to my podcast, Grief and Happiness, here. https://podcasts.apple.com/us/podcast/loving-and-living-your-way-through-grief-with/id1509589686?i=1000535381763