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Comparison of Grief

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I wrote an Instagram post this week that said, “I have heard that the death of a spouse is the number one stressor in life.”  I realize now that I inspired anger and comparison, and that was not my intention for making this statement.  Each experience of grief is unique and any comparison in grief can be damaging. Every experience of grief I have had in my lifetime has been different.  I can’t compare the loss of my husbands, or father, or mother, or grandparents, or aunts and uncles, or good friends, or my unborn baby. My love for each of these people was great and incomparable to any other relationship I have had.

Theodore Roosevelt was credited for saying that “Comparison is the thief of joy.”  That makes sense to me.  Every one of us experiences grief in our own way for each experience of grief we have.  What is important here is to individually focus on that. It really doesn’t matter how many people attend a celebration of life, or how many months anyone was unable to continue their normal activities, or any other comparisons.

What does matter is that we each take good care of ourselves as we experience grief, and that we also provide comfort, support, love, and happiness to those people we care about who are experiencing grief. Do that in any way, and don’t worry about how much or how little anyone else has done.

I love the author, Byron Katie. She says: “I discovered that when I believed my thoughts I suffered, but when I didn’t believe them, I didn’t suffer, and that this is true for every human being. Freedom is as simple as that.” She has developed something she calls The Work that I use when I find I need some support in how to handle things. In The Work, she encourages you to ask yourself four questions to help you discover if what you are thinking is what you need to pay attention to. When you find things that you are focusing on do not support you or help you feel better, all you need to do is ask yourself her questions.  This is a link to her questions and guidance how to use them: https://thework.com/instruction-the-work-byron-katie/

If you find yourself saying something that could be a judgement of how someone else is grieving, use the work and see what happens.  Her first question is “Is it true?” Often, that’s all I need to say to myself. Then I will release what I was thinking. I’ll feel lighter. Smile, and move forward.

 

You can join the Grief and Happiness Alliance which meets weekly on Sundays by clicking here: https://www.griefandhappiness.com/offers/ytK7eLBa

You can order Loving and Living Your Way Through Grief by clicking here at Amazon.

You can listen to my podcast, Grief and Happiness, here. https://podcasts.apple.com/us/podcast/loving-and-living-your-way-through-grief-with/id1509589686?i=1000535381763

I would be happy to put you on the reminder list for or Writing Together Through Grief occurring on Saturdays each week by sending an email to me to emily@lovingandlivingyourwaythroughgrief.com and giving me your email address.

Join my Facebook group here.

Paying it Forward

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I watched a movie in the year 2000 that had a profound effect on the rest of my life. Pay it Forward is the story of a junior high school student who did a project for his social studies class. The premise is that when he did something of value for someone else, instead of that person paying him back, he told the person who was willing to pay for his services to instead to do something of value for someone else, or preferably do something for two or three more people.

This movie was so inspiring to me that I have incorporated the concept into my life, paying forward good deeds often.  A big example of this for me was when I owned and operated a live theatre and school of arts.  I started the school because funding to schools where I lived had severely cut back arts classes which they deemed as unnecessary. In my life, I knew I wouldn’t have made it through school without the drama, band, and visual arts classes I took. That was where I excelled in school, and it was where I learned to read when traditional teaching methods had failed me.

When I first started the school, I discovered that only wealthy families enrolled their children, and the kids weren’t that interested in being there.  So I held a meeting with everyone I could think of who was involved in the arts in my community. I told the attendees that I wanted any student who wanted to take arts classes to be able to come whether their family could afford it or not.  The people who came to the meeting agreed and formed a nonprofit organization that not only did fund raisers to ensure that the classes were full, but they also wrote grants that allowed foster children to always be accepted without charge, and they wrote grants for special projects. One project invited teens to work on teen pregnancy prevention by having a group of interested teens come together to write a production based on experiences of teen parents. They also performed in the production they wrote and took it to schools in the area who also provided counselors to talk with any of the students who attended when they reached out for more information.

I discovered that the more people got involved in the theatre and school, the more people that they brought in got involved also. By being involved with what happened at the school and theatre, all the participants brought more participants.  My husband Jacques also loved to be involved.  When his health declined, he was there less and less, and I was gone more and more dealing with his care. I realized that he needed me with him full time, so I approached the board of the nonprofit and offered them the business I had created because I wanted it to still serve the community and all the people who participated in the school and theatre. They graciously accepted.  Giving this gift to the community is one of the highlights of my life.

What can you do to Pay it Forward?  A friend of mine had the person who had been in front of her in the line at the grocery store pay for her groceries.  She had no idea who it was, but she was so happy because it really helped her at that time.  Other ways to pay it forward would be to hold the door open for someone or donate clothes you no longer wear or items you don’t use to a local thrift store who serves an organization you believe in. Or you could donate towels and blankets to the local animal shelter or pick up litter in your community. Think about what you already do or what you could start doing.

All the people of the world are part of one giant community. We can all thrive by taking care of each other in whatever ways we can. We can become a society of service as opposed to opposing, selfish groups.  The way my first boss oriented me to a service job was by telling me to treat my customers how I wanted to be treated. Just think how much better things could be if we all do that!

What does all this have to do with grief? Simple. As we focus on what we can do for others, we will feel better while helping others to feel better too. What can you do?

 

You can join the Grief and Happiness Alliance which meets weekly on Sundays by clicking here: https://www.griefandhappiness.com/offers/ytK7eLBa

You can order Loving and Living Your Way Through Grief by clicking here at Amazon.

You can listen to my podcast, Grief and Happiness, here. https://podcasts.apple.com/us/podcast/loving-and-living-your-way-through-grief-with/id1509589686?i=1000535381763

I would be happy to put you on the reminder list for or Writing Together Through Grief occurring on Saturdays each week by sending an email to me to emily@lovingandlivingyourwaythroughgrief.com and giving me your email address.

Join my Facebook group here.

Honoring Our Veterans

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Originally known as Armistice Day, November 11 is the day that was chosen to honor veterans because it is the day that is considered the end of World War One, The Great War.  This occurred in 1918 on the eleventh day of the eleventh month at 11 AM.  Where I grew up, Veterans Day was the biggest celebration of the year, even bigger than Christmas and the 4th of July. During the huge Veterans Day Parade, at 11 AM, the air raid sirens would go off and everything ceased. In the silence, everyone either saluted or held their hands over their hearts in recognition of all our veterans and their families.

How times have changed. Now many businesses go on as usual not recognizing the holiday. Parades and celebrations are few. When we think of serving veterans now, what comes to mind are the Veterans Stand Downs that are held around the country as a one-to-four-day event to give a break to veterans who are homeless or poor. They gather to receive food, haircuts, clothes, showers, counseling, and guidance on how to find services they may be entitled to. I found myself in tears writing this blog thinking how incredibly sad it is that we need to do this.  With all these citizens have done for us including sacrificing their own lives, why aren’t they all honored and revered always instead of given handouts once a year?

I was born and raised in a small town in California who had the highest per capita loss of those fighting in the Vietnam War. My girlfriends married their boyfriends when they were drafted because the chances were so high that they wouldn’t return from the war. And if they did, they often had significant losses related to the unimaginable experiences they had while witnessing man’s inhumanity to man.

Today as we celebrate the bravery of these selfless servants, take the opportunity to serve them back.  If you know someone who is serving now, reach out to thank them and their families for the sacrifices they make. If you know someone or have a family member who served in the past, write them a letter whether they are still in this earthly realm or not. I was just thinking about my uncle who had his leg blown off in World War Two.  I am sure I never thanked him while he was still alive. I just never thought to do this. But I am going to today, to write that letter I should have sent long ago. Doing this helps us get in touch with the significance of what our military has done for us.

There is a saying that those who don’t learn from the experiences they had in the past are doomed to repeat them. Let’s learn. Let’s reach out to people who serve or have served us and do what we can to brighten their lives. And above all, let’s not repeat the mistakes of our past.

Thank you, Daddy. Thank you, Uncle Jim. Thank you, Jacques. Thank you, Aunt Mona, Thank you, Ariel.  Thank you, Roy. Thank you, Uncle Glen. Thank you, Steve. Thank you, Jason.  And my deepest gratitude to all my other friends and relatives who have served us all.

 

You can join the Grief and Happiness Alliance which will meet weekly starting November 14 by clicking here: https://www.griefandhappiness.com/offers/ytK7eLBa

You can order Loving and Living Your Way Through Grief by clicking here at Amazon.

I would be happy to put you on the reminder list for or Writing Together Through Grief occurring on Saturdays each week by sending an email to me to emily@lovingandlivingyourwaythroughgrief.com and giving me your email address.

Join my Facebook group here.

Comfort, Support, Happiness, and Friends

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I am thrilled to announce the formation of The Grief and Happiness Alliance  which is a membership program where you can find comfort, support, happiness, and friends.

Everyone deals with grief and loss in their lifetimes. When you are in that situation, having friends to relate to who are also dealing with loss can make all the difference in how you feel.

While we grieve for the loss of a loved one, we also grieve many other losses in our lives like losing a job, getting divorced, suffering and injury, having a life-threatening diagnosis, or having a friend move away.  People deal with these losses in different ways. Some people isolate themselves so others won’t see their pain, others are openly sad and hurting, while others attempt to ignore the pain.  I have found that the best way to deal with loss is to pay attention to it and use healthy, constructive methods to help yourself.

Let me show you three ways you can start right now to help you feel better.

  1. Take good care of yourself. Often while dealing with grief or loss we forget to eat, or we eat too much. We may not pay attention to our personal appearance. We may not take care of where we live. We may not stay in contact with people. We may feel that no one could understand how you are feeling. Instead of dealing with what you are experiencing in these ways that do not serve you, try being gentle with yourself. Plan what you will be eating and make healthy choices. Get out in nature even if it is only a walk in the neighborhood. Call a friend just to talk, or write that friend a letter, a card, or an email to keep in touch. Take a nice hot shower or soak in a refreshing bath. Go shopping, even if it is only online, and buy yourself something new to wear that you know you will feel good wearing. Mostly, love your precious self up. You are so worth it.
  2. Set a goal for each day first thing when you get up. You can start small. Make sure that the goal you set is something you can do in one day. For instance, set a goal to get outside and walk to the corner and back, instead of setting a goal to spend an hour at the gym working out hard when you haven’t stepped into the gym for months. The more goals you accomplish, the better you will feel. Make a list of things you’d really like to do, then get started with one item on the list at a time.
  3. Laugh! If you need something to inspire your laughter, search on You Tube for funny animals. Or watch a funny movie. My aunt and uncle were in a car accident where she was severely injured, and he died. During her recovery, she watched the movie Patch Adams every day. I asked her if she was getting tired of watching it, and she said no.  She pointed out she couldn’t help but laugh at the funny parts and she loved the love and kindness that was demonstrated in the movie.  Find a movie or a book or a television show or a comedian that always makes you laugh then laugh all you can.

These three ways are just the start of all you can do to help yourself. They are all simple and mostly free. And the more you do each of them, the better you will feel. When you can start to focus on today, this moment, and do whatever you need to so that you can feel your best, each moment is easier than the last. When you focus on what you have lost, those moments will continue to get worse.

Would you like some help with all of this?  I have just what you need.

The Grief and Happiness Alliance is designed to support you in starting to move forward with your grief. Most people when dealing with grief and loss find themselves being mostly alone and not knowing what to do to feel any better. They also may be unfamiliar with the affect grieving can have on their lives, or maybe they do, but the grief they are dealing with now is bigger and more challenging. If this is you, participating in The Grief and Happiness Alliance can be a perfect experience. In the alliance, you will be meeting with others who are also dealing with loss. You are not alone. And you will experience ways to dealing with your grief by writing, by talking to each other, and by learning happiness practices that comfort and support you. Being listened to and listening to others often doesn’t happen when you are grieving, but the alliance is a place where you can do both., You will discover new friends, new ways to express yourself, and new happiness. And you will look forward to meeting online with The Grief and Happiness Alliance online that meets for an hour every week.

In The Grief and Happiness Alliance you can form comfortable relationships with new friends. You will have the opportunity to express emotions where you know you will be supported. Belonging to a group of people who share challenges like the ones you are experiencing, you will find opportunities to support each other. Each week we will do different writing and happiness practices that enable you to have tools to use to take care of yourself as you start moving forward. We will have occasional guests and enjoyable activities so there is always something new to experience.

As a member of the Alliance, you can create a notebook, either a hard copy or online, where you keep your writing and the PDF materials for class. This will be a special keepsake you can turn to for comfort as well as record your progress and your meaningful experiences along the way. You can stay in the Alliance for as long as you want to.

The Grief and Happiness Alliance is a membership program which is offered at no cost due to the generosity of the Grief and Happiness Alliance Nonprofit Organization.

Benefits of being a member of The Grief And Happiness Alliance:

  • Weekly group meetings which include happiness practices, writing sessions, and peer support.
  • Special activities and guests
  • Invitations to retreats
  • And more surprises along the way

When you sign up for The Grief And Happiness Alliance program today, you will immediately gain access to my online Grief, Love, Happiness, and Writing Haiku Poetry course for free.

Be sure join The Grief And Happiness Alliance now by clicking on this link: Grief and Happiness.

Our first meeting is Sunday November 14 at 10 AM Hawaii Standard Time, Noon PST, and 3 PM EST.

Be sure to share this information with anyone you know who could benefit from this program.

 

You can join the Grief and Happiness Alliance which will meet weekly starting November 14 by clicking here: https://www.griefandhappiness.com/offers/ytK7eLBa

 

You can order Loving and Living Your Way Through Grief by clicking here at Amazon.

I would be happy to put you on the reminder list for or Writing Together Through Grief occurring on Saturdays each week by sending an email to me to emily@lovingandlivingyourwaythroughgrief.com and giving me your email address.

Join my Facebook group here.

 

 

 

Sacred Conversations

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We almost never know when we have a conversation with someone that it will be for the last time.  In the case of someone dying from a terminal illness, you may know it is your last conversation, yet so often people die without warning, and we don’t get to have that last talk with each other. This can be devastating. You can, however, make sure this won’t happen to you, or maybe happen to you again.  The key is to always speak with your heart.

My last conversation with my husband Jacques was about an hour before he died when he asked me if he was going to get better. He was a brilliant man who had health issued for years with his final two years being the most challenging. He even taught the course nursing students were required to take at the college: The Ethics of Living and Dying. Shortly before he died, he asked me if he was going to get better.  I was shocked.  At this moment, I realized that he had been submitting to painful treatments and eating a diet he hated because somehow, he had decided that doing these things would heal him and he could go back to his wonderful life before the dressing changes, the constant lab work, the dialysis, the insulin shots, and the frequent hospitalizations.

I felt like a major failure. I was so sure that he realized that all he was going through was to keep him as comfortable as he could be in his decline. I was feeling that I had failed him by not helping him see what the reality of his situation was. As I reflect on that time now, this was probably for the best because he lived with hope. He never saw himself as dying.

Everything was different with my husband Ron. He knew exactly what was happening, and we talked about everything openly.  He focused his last week on having a final conversation with everyone he loved. So much love was exchanged that week and so much positivity. We left nothing unsaid.

Now I focus on love in every aspect of my life.  With this focus, I always tell the truth and don’t dwell in sorrow.  By being able to treat each conversation as if it is my last one with whomever I am talking to, I focus on smiling, being kind, and being truthful.  I recently had a friend die, and as I reflected on the last time we spoke, I remember the love and the smiles. I can live easily with that.

 

 

You can join the Grief and Happiness Alliance which will meet weekly starting November 14 by clicking here: https://www.griefandhappiness.com/offers/ytK7eLBa

You can order Loving and Living Your Way Through Grief by clicking here at Amazon.

I would be happy to put you on the reminder list for or Writing Together Through Grief occurring on Saturdays each week by sending an email to me to emily@lovingandlivingyourwaythroughgrief.com and giving me your email address.

Join my Facebook group here.

Complaining

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Are you a complainer? I certainly was at one time in my life.  I didn’t see it at the time, but I was constantly criticizing. Nothing was ever quite right or good enough. I rarely was satisfied. As I reflect on that time, I can see how unhappy all that complaining was making me. My food wasn’t hot enough or cold enough. The movie I saw wasn’t that great. My friend stood me up. My coworker didn’t get her job done so I had to pick up the slack. There was no way I could get my assignment done on time. I was always tired. I remembered a phrase I used to say in my childhood: “Nobody likes me. Everybody hates met. I am going to eat worms and die.” Yuk! That was no way to live!

Then someone pointed out to me that I was always playing the victim, and that no one wanted to be friends with someone so negative.  What got me the most is that I had never realized I was doing that.  The people around me all seemed to be playing the same game, and I saw that I didn’t really want to be around them either!  Something had to change.

How does this situation apply to grieving? Because most people grieving slip into victimhood at some point, and the deeper you slide down the slope, the harder it is to pull yourself back up. Do you see when you played the victim roll? Or maybe you are doing that now? The good news is that you don’t have to stay there.

Early in your grief is the time that this is most likely to happen, and if you don’t realize that you are playing the victim, it’s only going to get worse. How can you tell if this is what you are doing?  Answer these questions to help you decide:

  1. Do you find yourself saying “Nobody understands what I am going through”?
  2. Do you spend lots of time alone because you feel like no one wants to be around you?
  3. Did you have friends before your loss that you don’t have anymore?
  4. Do you eat too much or not enough because it doesn’t matter what you look like?
  5. Do you complain a lot, even if it is just to yourself?
  6. Are you negative much of the time?

There are lots more questions I could ask, but if you find yourself answering yes to any of these questions, chances are you are playing the victim.  The more of these questions you answer yes to, the further into victimhood you have drifted.

Often you might see these traits in people you know who are dealing with grief and loss. When this happens, be sure to check yourself out and see if you are a reacting to them as a victim yourself. And try reaching out to them in positive ways, gently showing them evidence of some of the good and beauty and love in their lives.

What about you, though? What can you do for you?  The first step is recognizing the situation you are in. That’s half the battle.  If you can see it, you can deal with it.  For instance, if you find yourself saying “Nobody knows how I feel,” try looking around you.  Everybody deals with grief and loss at some points in their lives. You are likely to discover that people you care about think that nobody knows how they are feeling either.  When you identify a friend who you know has had a loved one die recently, try reaching out. Try saying something positive to them.  The more you put yourself in the positive space by showing your care, the more likely people are to show you they care about you, too.

If you are spending lots of time alone, do something about that. Call a friend on the phone. Hearing the voice of someone you care about can help. Get together with people if you can, and if that doesn’t work for you right now because of social distancing, do it online.  You could join the Grief and Happiness Alliance online (it’s free) and discover new friends there who are also dealing with loss.  Of find an activity you can do. I learned how to draw and paint by watching YouTube videos and finding free online classes.  Doing something new and different, especially if it is something you always wanted to do, can really raise your spirits.

If you recognize a tendency toward victimhood, and you know you don’t want to be there, you can fix this situation!  The key is your desire to make a change. Recognize when you start saying or feeling negative and adjust what you are saying or feeling right when you recognize it. Be patient with yourself and start focusing on positivity and you can move forward. You can do this!  Brighten up your life right now! You will be so glad you did!

 

You can join the Grief and Happiness Alliance which will meet weekly starting November 14 by clicking here:

You can order Loving and Living Your Way Through Grief by clicking here at Amazon.

I would be happy to put you on the reminder list for or Writing Together Through Grief occurring on Saturdays each week by sending an email to me to emily@lovingandlivingyourwaythroughgrief.com and giving me your email address.

Join my Facebook group here.