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How Improving Your Morning Routine Can Change Your Life

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I have a confession to make. After my husband died, I found it harder and harder to get out of bed in the morning. I just didn’t feel ready to face the world.  First, I would try to convince myself that there was no need to rush, and that led to more sleep. Then I started bad habits like checking my email and social media accounts. That led to checking the news on my phone, which most often wasn’t good news. Then I would play just one game, which often let to more. I would try to talk myself into getting out of bed, but I wouldn’t listen.

Finally, I came to the point that I realized I was missing the part of my day when I am fresh and most creative, and I decided I needed to change. Your morning routine is likely different than mine was, but whatever it is, you can make it better.  Here are some hints that really work.

  1. The number one thing that will help is to get up earlier. If you automatically get up at 5 or 6, you can skip this step.  If you don’t, try getting up one hour earlier than you have been. This will give you a fresh new start on your day. If you have been having trouble sleeping, this may help. Often that trouble sleeping can be the result of staying in bed too long. If you need to set an alarm to get started on this new time, try that. You will discover that you can wake yourself up at the time you want to if your set your intention to do that. I didn’t think I would ever be able to do that because I used an alarm every day, but my husband convinced me to try, and it worked. Now I am no longer jolted out of my sleep and away from my dreams by an annoying alarm.
  2. Stretch in bed taking a few deep breaths. This is a loving way to gently get your body started for the day. Stretch out your arms. Pull you knees up to your chest. Roll your body back and forth. Take a few more deep breaths. This all feels so good!
  3. Now do your self-care. I just can’t do anything else before I brush my teeth. Be sure to floss your teeth, wash you face, and comb your hair. You don’t need to put on make-up or style your hair at this point. Then put on some comfortable, morning clothes.
  4. Next is your soul time. In your journal, start by writing at least five things you are grateful for. I am always amazed how good it feels to realize the wonderful things in my life. There are so many things to be grateful for! Then write a goal to accomplish today. Instead of writing a list, write just one thing. After you do that, you can decide what to do next. Then write one thing that brought you joy the day before. Be sure to smile while you write this along with why this thing made you happy. And take some time to meditate, if only for a few minutes.
  5. Eat something nourishing and healthy. Be sure you have food on hand that is easy to fix and enjoyable to eat. Be sure what you eat is fresh and natural avoiding processed foods. Your body will appreciate this loving care.

Changing my habit of seeing how long I could convince myself to stay in bed was a bit of a challenge. When I recognized how much better I felt when I did this new routine, I was happy to keep it up.  Now I feel energized as I start my day. My days are more fulfilling, and I am so much happier. Making a commitment to a positive change like this can make all the difference in how you feel. Try it, and enjoy the results!

 

You can order Loving and Living Your Way Through Grief  by clicking here at Amazon.

I would be happy to put you on the reminder list for or Writing Together Through Grief occurring on Saturdays each week by sending an email to me to emily@lovingandlivingyourwaythroughgrief.com and giving me your email address.

Stuck

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When I read what people are saying in some of the grief groups I follow, I notice that many people are stuck in their grief. The gist of what I hear is that people feel that if they lighten up on their grief, they somehow will lose the connection with their loved one who died.  The people who express this seem so sad, unable to connect with their new situation of their loved one’s passing. They seem to feel that they must stay sad because being happy in their situation feels like a betrayal to their loved one.

I was writing the other day about how my husbands would like for me to deal with my life now. In the process of writing, I felt my husbands smiling at me, so I started to smile while I was writing. When that happened, I realized that my husbands would want me to be happy. I remembered how when we first got together, Ron was always telling me to smile.  I was so serious then. As I looked in the mirror, I could see how much better I looked when I was smiling, and that smiling actually was making me feel better, lighter, and happy.

All of us people grieving will experience periods of yearning or sadness.  The key is to recognize these feelings, experience them, thank them, then release them and smile even if smiling is a challenge.  When we stay stuck in these feelings, that is all we are concentrating on.  Time goes on, and we aren’t moving forward with it because all we can think about is our loved one. When you find yourself falling into this abyss, take a few slow, deep breaths to center yourself, and commit to yourself to release those feelings.  And when they come back, do this again.  The more you recognize what you are doing, the easier it will be to deal with your feelings.

Make your journal your friend.  When you start feeling that sadness, anxiety, or yearning, write about what you are feeling. Include why you are feeling the way you are right now. What triggered this feeling?  For instance, if whenever you eat apple pie, you remember how much your loved one loved apple pie and always had to have two servings each time you made it. You find yourself feeling blue when you remember this.  Take some time to explore this feeling. My main memory of apple pie was how much I enjoyed making apple pie because Ron loved it so much, and it made him smile. Instead of staying stuck in that sadness you I was feeling, I could smile at the happiness of the memory.  You will be amazed how you can shift your reaction to your memories in a positive way so that you can release the sadness and replace it with the good memory.

I challenge you to pick up your journal each time you start feeling the negative emotions and find the joy in the experience you remember. Focus on that joy, and in the process, release that sadness.  The more you do this, the happier you will become until you find yourself naturally feeling the happiness while releasing the negativity.

You can do this.  You can be happy.  Your loved one would want you to be happy.

 

I would be happy to put you on the reminder list for or Writing Together Through Grief occurring on Saturdays each week by sending an email to me to emily@lovingandlivingyourwaythroughgrief.com and giving me your email address.

You can order Loving and Living Your Way Through Grief  by clicking here at Amazon.

Bereavement Leave

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I am thrilled to hear that President Biden has proposed the Family Medical Leave Act which would include bereavement leave. Although this hasn’t passed yet, and we can’t know exactly what it will stipulate until it is enacted if it is, at least it is a step in the right direction.

Allowing adequate time for people to deal with the dying and death of a loved one should be a priority in our society. When each of my parents died, even though I had a good job working for the state, bereavement leave wasn’t part of my benefits.  I only could get off work using sick leave and then I wasn’t allowed more than three days.  I also was working part time at another job at the time, and they graciously allowed me to take time off that I needed to tend to all I had to deal with at the time, but that time off was unpaid.

I wonder when businesses or the government are making rules about bereavement if the people making the rules have ever suffered a loss.  I can imagine someone in the Human Resources department of a company telling and employee who had just called in to report that his son had been killed by a car in a crosswalk, that the HR person would say “I’m sorry for your loss, but this company does not provide bereavement leave. Be sure to come in to work today so that you won’t risk losing your job for not showing up.” Yes, things like this do happen.

Think about it. Recall how you felt immediately after your loved one died. Even three days later, were you capable of doing whatever your job was?  I felt like I was teaching like a robot, providing essential information but not engaging with my students.  The evaluations my students submitted about me the quarter my father died unexpectedly were the worst I ever received, even though my evaluations were usually very good.  When employers expect their workers to keep the standards they always had while they are dealing with the fresh trauma of grief is completely unreasonable.

Because I took care of both of my husbands at home for two years before their deaths, I wasn’t working at the time they died.  There was no way I could have worked either time. I was fortunate to have close friends who handled any arrangements that were essential while I sat in a fog or curled up in bed. I can’t imagine how I could have worked either week.

I wrote this blog because I want us all to think about the concept of bereavement leave so that any time it comes up, we can advocate for it. This could be anything from talking to a friend who owns a business and asking them what they do.  This could start a conversation that could lead to change.  Also, contact your lawmakers and ask them to advocate for bereavement leave whenever they can. Even talk with your friends.  You may just be planting a seed that can lead to positive changes.

And when loss comes to you, be sure to take care of yourself. Rest, eat well, meditate.  Allow yourself the time to reset your focus. And when loss come to those you care about, be sure to support them with love.  That’s always my intention to do for you.

 

I would be happy to put you on the reminder list for or Writing Together Through Grief occurring on Saturdays each week by sending an email to me to emily@lovingandlivingyourwaythroughgrief.com and giving me your email address.

You can order Loving and Living Your Way Through Grief  by clicking here at Amazon.

Growing What is Good

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I started a Produce Share with neighbors when we first moved to Maui because we had such an abundance of fruit on our property, and I didn’t want it to go to waste. Every Friday, people would stop by and bring what they had to spare from their gardens, and we would share, no money exchanged.  Sometimes we even made jam or banana bread to share. And I found a way to share all the papayas, lilikoi, bananas, and avocados I had.

When the pandemic hit, the grocery shelves became bare.  Since Hawaii is said to be the most remote place in the world, we heavily rely on barges to bring in food from the mainland and other countries.  I thought of the Victory Gardens people planted during World Wars I and II where people grew and shared what they could from their gardens to be sure their families and friends had enough food to eat.

Since our produce share is still going after five years, I decided to expand my garden to have even more to share. I hired a gardener to put in some irrigation for me so as not to waste water, a precious commodity on an island.  He turned out to be an expert in in permaculture gardening, so I asked him to put in a huge garden to provide lots more food to share.  He used lemon grass and comfrey to make a beautiful border and keep the grass from the lawn from growing into the garden.

My new garden has gotten so big that I now have a lovely young woman who helps me keep it up with weeding and planting.  Yesterday she surprised me with a giant bunch of carrots she had pulled. I was surprised because I didn’t know they were there! Last spring before my big new garden was planted, I bought a package of carrot seeds and planted them, watered them, weeded around them, pulled them from the ground, shared them, and ate them.  I didn’t realize that I had left some of them in the ground.

Then one day I noticed one day that I was growing pretty white flowers in my vegetable garden.  At the top of tall green stems sat balls of little white flowers clustered together in the shape of pom-poms.  Upon investigation, I discovered a few giant carrots shouldering up from the ground attached to these flowers.  I had never seen carrot flowers before. My gardener told me to cut them, put them in a paper bag, and let them dry out.  When they were dry, I shook the stems, and a lot of tiny black seeds popped out, so I planted them.

I planted those carrot seeds next to the lemon grass, not understanding how large it would become.  When the distinctive carrot tops grew, they were hidden in the tall lemon grass, so when my garden helper discovered them yesterday, we were delighted! Precious food from the garden tastes the best!

My carrots seemed a metaphor for the cycle of life. We are born from tiny seeds which are nurtured as they grow. They provide food, beauty, and more tiny seeds to start the cycle again. We all grow through our own cycles, and on our way, the more we grow and share, the happier we are. Ultimately, our sharing is complete, and we have the opportunity to revert back to the soil and create more new food and beauty.

I am grateful I have so much beauty and bounty to share which makes my life just that much richer. What bounty do you share?

 

I would be happy to put you on the reminder list for or Writing Together Through Grief occurring on Saturdays each week by sending an email to me to emily@lovingandlivingyourwaythroughgrief.com and giving me your email address.

You can order Loving and Living Your Way Through Grief  by clicking here at Amazon.

Taking Care of Yourself

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I had a good friend who was there for me years ago when I was struggling with my grief.  My parents had died, and I had such a big hole in my life. My Dad died first, suddenly, and I had so much to do with helping mom deal with all that needed to be done, and I had a family to take care of, and two jobs. What that all led to for me was blocking my dealing with my own grief. My mom lived a few more years.  I had so much to do for her. I ended up bringing her to live with me which was challenging because of the effects of the brain tumor she had. For the last few months of her life, she finally consented to have someone stay with her around the clock at her home. She lived an hour away from me, so there were many hours of driving. And after she died, she left so much for me to take care of.

I simply didn’t have time to grieve, so I tucked my grief away where it seemed to grow and fester.  At that time, I had a close friend. He knew my mom, and he had dealt with the death of his mother years before. He was safe. I didn’t have to put on my public front that I had been using for work and my other activities. I didn’t have to be strong like I felt I needed to be for my children and my husband who were all close to mom and relied on me to support them through their grief. He was just there with no demands or expectations of me.

I could tell him anything about what I was experiencing, and I knew he wouldn’t judge me. He just listened to me as I felt sorry for myself or got frustrated with the situation. And he didn’t tell me what I needed to do. I really didn’t want advice. I just wanted to talk.

There were also times when I didn’t want to talk, and he was OK with that. He didn’t make me feel guilty about what I was or wasn’t doing. I know that he couldn’t “make me” feel anything, but having others have expectations of me was a challenge.  I only took one day off from my teaching job when mom died, and one day off for her funeral. Even though I worked full time, I was not entitled to bereavement leave. I was expected to continue working at the same level without anyone even noticing how hard that was, how fragile I felt.

When he noticed that I wasn’t eating, he’d bring me food.  He didn’t ask me if I wanted something to eat, he just brought me familiar foods and he would eat with me knowing that I probably wouldn’t eat if he wasn’t there.  He also noticed when something needed fixing and just fixed it without me asking him to. His kindness allowed me to breathe when I felt under great pressure.

I have been asked about self-care, what that actually means for grieving. In answering that question, I reflected on my friend.  Caring for myself, I followed his example which would be a good start for you doing your own self-care. First, I didn’t put pressure on myself. I didn’t have to live up to anyone else’s expectations.  When I didn’t want to be around people, I chose to stay at home and read, watch a movie, or take a bubble bath. When I did want to go someplace, I would ask a friend to go with me which provided a buffer or escape if something came up that I didn’t want to face at the moment.

If I wanted to talk to someone, I would make a phone call. And if I didn’t want to talk to someone but needed to vent or deal with feelings, I got our my journal and write until I didn’t need to write anymore.

I would remember that I needed to eat, and I would make wise choices about which food would serve me best. I did, however, stop by the bakery that was close to campus for a maple bar and milk when I went in at early hours.  Treating myself occasionally to something special felt good, and I would smile. And I would notice when something needed to be done and take care of it. This felt good, too, knowing that I was capable of taking good care of myself.

I also started working on my smile. I realized that I didn’t have to have someone there to smile at.  I could smile just for me, and when I did smile, I felt better. I would practice smiling in the mirror, or I would find something funny to read or watch on television. Smiling seemed to release something inside of me that allowed me to feel good.

I encourage you to think about someone special who has taken care of you. Or think of a friend who was there right when you needed. Think also about any kindnesses people have done for you. Write these things in your journal, then when you are ready for some self-care, do these things for you. Pamper yourself. Wrap yourself up in your own love. Remember how special you are. And live your best life. This is the greatest self-care.

 

I would be happy to put you on the reminder list for or Writing Together Through Grief occurring on Saturdays each week by sending an email to me to emily@lovingandlivingyourwaythroughgrief.com and giving me your email address.

You can order Loving and Living Your Way Through Grief  by clicking here at Amazon.

What is the Ideal Way to Deal With Grief?

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Here is the dilemma.   There is no ideal way to grieve.  Each grief is as individual as each fingerprint.  How you grieve depends on lots of different considerations:

  1. How long did you know who you are grieving for?
  2. How close were you to this person?
  3. What are your personal feelings about death?
  4. What do you think happens after death?
  5. What new responsibilities do have because of this death?
  6. Is your income affected?
  7. Are you relieved?
  8. Are you devastated?
  9. Are you alone?
  10. Are you angry?

I could go on and on with this list.  What is most important, though, is how you feel right now and what you are willing or able to do. I have heard that following Elisabeth Kubler Ross’s Five Stages of Grief is the best way to deal with grief, so let me put that idea to rest.  To start off with, she wrote those stages about dying, not grieving.  While you may be able to apply some, or maybe all the stages of denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and acceptance to your grief, chances are most of them won’t apply to you, and if they do, there are lots of other stages people have suggested like shock, disbelief, pain, and hope to name a few.

Does having a list to check off really help? I don’t think so. The best way to deal with your grief is to pay attention to what you are experiencing and act on that. For instance, the main feeling some people experience is loneliness. If you were accustomed to spending most of your time with your loved one who died, chances are, you may be having a hard time figuring out what to do now. If this is your case, what could you do to help with your loneliness?  I found that getting together with others who were also dealing with loss to write about what we were experiencing helped me a lot, as it did the other members of the group. Or you may prefer to spend time with people who aren’t dealing with loss so you can focus on something different.

If binge watching Netflix allows you some escape for a while helps, do that, and don’t judge yourself for doing it. Just be sure to come up for air sometimes and do something different. Discover what brings you some joy. Is it calling or Zooming with grandchildren? Or maybe you want to hear from an old friend.  Instead of waiting for that person to contact you, reach out. I just had a wonderful conversation on the phone with a friend who I hadn’t talked to in ten years. When we hung up, we both were smiling and have stayed in touch since.

The key here is not to judge yourself in relation to how others are dealing with their grief. Rather, find the ways to deal with your grief that suit you the best. Think about what you want to do, about what could help you feel better. Then do it, whatever it is. One thing that helps me is to walk on the beach.  I also love to garden and write. Discover something that you feel good doing and that you look forward to doing again, then do it. Just take good care of yourself, please. You are worth it!

 

I would be happy to put you on the reminder list for or Writing Together Through Grief occurring on Saturdays each week by sending an email to me to emily@lovingandlivingyourwaythroughgrief.com and giving me your email address.

You can order Loving and Living Your Way Through Grief  by clicking here at Amazon.