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Growing What is Good

April 29, 2021 by Emily Thiroux

I started a Produce Share with neighbors when we first moved to Maui because we had such an abundance of fruit on our property, and I didn’t want it to go to waste. Every Friday, people would stop by and bring what they had to spare from their gardens, and we would share, no money exchanged.  Sometimes we even made jam or banana bread to share. And I found a way to share all the papayas, lilikoi, bananas, and avocados I had.

When the pandemic hit, the grocery shelves became bare.  Since Hawaii is said to be the most remote place in the world, we heavily rely on barges to bring in food from the mainland and other countries.  I thought of the Victory Gardens people planted during World Wars I and II where people grew and shared what they could from their gardens to be sure their families and friends had enough food to eat.

Since our produce share is still going after five years, I decided to expand my garden to have even more to share. I hired a gardener to put in some irrigation for me so as not to waste water, a precious commodity on an island.  He turned out to be an expert in in permaculture gardening, so I asked him to put in a huge garden to provide lots more food to share.  He used lemon grass and comfrey to make a beautiful border and keep the grass from the lawn from growing into the garden.

My new garden has gotten so big that I now have a lovely young woman who helps me keep it up with weeding and planting.  Yesterday she surprised me with a giant bunch of carrots she had pulled. I was surprised because I didn’t know they were there! Last spring before my big new garden was planted, I bought a package of carrot seeds and planted them, watered them, weeded around them, pulled them from the ground, shared them, and ate them.  I didn’t realize that I had left some of them in the ground.

Then one day I noticed one day that I was growing pretty white flowers in my vegetable garden.  At the top of tall green stems sat balls of little white flowers clustered together in the shape of pom-poms.  Upon investigation, I discovered a few giant carrots shouldering up from the ground attached to these flowers.  I had never seen carrot flowers before. My gardener told me to cut them, put them in a paper bag, and let them dry out.  When they were dry, I shook the stems, and a lot of tiny black seeds popped out, so I planted them.

I planted those carrot seeds next to the lemon grass, not understanding how large it would become.  When the distinctive carrot tops grew, they were hidden in the tall lemon grass, so when my garden helper discovered them yesterday, we were delighted! Precious food from the garden tastes the best!

My carrots seemed a metaphor for the cycle of life. We are born from tiny seeds which are nurtured as they grow. They provide food, beauty, and more tiny seeds to start the cycle again. We all grow through our own cycles, and on our way, the more we grow and share, the happier we are. Ultimately, our sharing is complete, and we have the opportunity to revert back to the soil and create more new food and beauty.

I am grateful I have so much beauty and bounty to share which makes my life just that much richer. What bounty do you share?

 

I would be happy to put you on the reminder list for or Writing Together Through Grief occurring on Saturdays each week by sending an email to me to emily@lovingandlivingyourwaythroughgrief.com and giving me your email address.

You can order Loving and Living Your Way Through Grief  by clicking here at Amazon.

Filed Under: Community, Creativity, Food, Gratitude, Health, Healthy Eating, Support Tagged With: community, friends, Gratitude, grief, healthy coping mechanisms, Pandemic, self-care

Taking Care of Yourself

April 23, 2021 by Emily Thiroux

I had a good friend who was there for me years ago when I was struggling with my grief.  My parents had died, and I had such a big hole in my life. My Dad died first, suddenly, and I had so much to do with helping mom deal with all that needed to be done, and I had a family to take care of, and two jobs. What that all led to for me was blocking my dealing with my own grief. My mom lived a few more years.  I had so much to do for her. I ended up bringing her to live with me which was challenging because of the effects of the brain tumor she had. For the last few months of her life, she finally consented to have someone stay with her around the clock at her home. She lived an hour away from me, so there were many hours of driving. And after she died, she left so much for me to take care of.

I simply didn’t have time to grieve, so I tucked my grief away where it seemed to grow and fester.  At that time, I had a close friend. He knew my mom, and he had dealt with the death of his mother years before. He was safe. I didn’t have to put on my public front that I had been using for work and my other activities. I didn’t have to be strong like I felt I needed to be for my children and my husband who were all close to mom and relied on me to support them through their grief. He was just there with no demands or expectations of me.

I could tell him anything about what I was experiencing, and I knew he wouldn’t judge me. He just listened to me as I felt sorry for myself or got frustrated with the situation. And he didn’t tell me what I needed to do. I really didn’t want advice. I just wanted to talk.

There were also times when I didn’t want to talk, and he was OK with that. He didn’t make me feel guilty about what I was or wasn’t doing. I know that he couldn’t “make me” feel anything, but having others have expectations of me was a challenge.  I only took one day off from my teaching job when mom died, and one day off for her funeral. Even though I worked full time, I was not entitled to bereavement leave. I was expected to continue working at the same level without anyone even noticing how hard that was, how fragile I felt.

When he noticed that I wasn’t eating, he’d bring me food.  He didn’t ask me if I wanted something to eat, he just brought me familiar foods and he would eat with me knowing that I probably wouldn’t eat if he wasn’t there.  He also noticed when something needed fixing and just fixed it without me asking him to. His kindness allowed me to breathe when I felt under great pressure.

I have been asked about self-care, what that actually means for grieving. In answering that question, I reflected on my friend.  Caring for myself, I followed his example which would be a good start for you doing your own self-care. First, I didn’t put pressure on myself. I didn’t have to live up to anyone else’s expectations.  When I didn’t want to be around people, I chose to stay at home and read, watch a movie, or take a bubble bath. When I did want to go someplace, I would ask a friend to go with me which provided a buffer or escape if something came up that I didn’t want to face at the moment.

If I wanted to talk to someone, I would make a phone call. And if I didn’t want to talk to someone but needed to vent or deal with feelings, I got our my journal and write until I didn’t need to write anymore.

I would remember that I needed to eat, and I would make wise choices about which food would serve me best. I did, however, stop by the bakery that was close to campus for a maple bar and milk when I went in at early hours.  Treating myself occasionally to something special felt good, and I would smile. And I would notice when something needed to be done and take care of it. This felt good, too, knowing that I was capable of taking good care of myself.

I also started working on my smile. I realized that I didn’t have to have someone there to smile at.  I could smile just for me, and when I did smile, I felt better. I would practice smiling in the mirror, or I would find something funny to read or watch on television. Smiling seemed to release something inside of me that allowed me to feel good.

I encourage you to think about someone special who has taken care of you. Or think of a friend who was there right when you needed. Think also about any kindnesses people have done for you. Write these things in your journal, then when you are ready for some self-care, do these things for you. Pamper yourself. Wrap yourself up in your own love. Remember how special you are. And live your best life. This is the greatest self-care.

 

I would be happy to put you on the reminder list for or Writing Together Through Grief occurring on Saturdays each week by sending an email to me to emily@lovingandlivingyourwaythroughgrief.com and giving me your email address.

You can order Loving and Living Your Way Through Grief  by clicking here at Amazon.

Filed Under: Joy, Smile, Someone to talk to, Support, Uncategorized Tagged With: bereavement gifts, grief, healthy coping mechanisms, how to deal with grief, Joy, reclaiming your joy, support

What is the Ideal Way to Deal With Grief?

April 7, 2021 by Emily Thiroux

Here is the dilemma.   There is no ideal way to grieve.  Each grief is as individual as each fingerprint.  How you grieve depends on lots of different considerations:

  1. How long did you know who you are grieving for?
  2. How close were you to this person?
  3. What are your personal feelings about death?
  4. What do you think happens after death?
  5. What new responsibilities do have because of this death?
  6. Is your income affected?
  7. Are you relieved?
  8. Are you devastated?
  9. Are you alone?
  10. Are you angry?

I could go on and on with this list.  What is most important, though, is how you feel right now and what you are willing or able to do. I have heard that following Elisabeth Kubler Ross’s Five Stages of Grief is the best way to deal with grief, so let me put that idea to rest.  To start off with, she wrote those stages about dying, not grieving.  While you may be able to apply some, or maybe all the stages of denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and acceptance to your grief, chances are most of them won’t apply to you, and if they do, there are lots of other stages people have suggested like shock, disbelief, pain, and hope to name a few.

Does having a list to check off really help? I don’t think so. The best way to deal with your grief is to pay attention to what you are experiencing and act on that. For instance, the main feeling some people experience is loneliness. If you were accustomed to spending most of your time with your loved one who died, chances are, you may be having a hard time figuring out what to do now. If this is your case, what could you do to help with your loneliness?  I found that getting together with others who were also dealing with loss to write about what we were experiencing helped me a lot, as it did the other members of the group. Or you may prefer to spend time with people who aren’t dealing with loss so you can focus on something different.

If binge watching Netflix allows you some escape for a while helps, do that, and don’t judge yourself for doing it. Just be sure to come up for air sometimes and do something different. Discover what brings you some joy. Is it calling or Zooming with grandchildren? Or maybe you want to hear from an old friend.  Instead of waiting for that person to contact you, reach out. I just had a wonderful conversation on the phone with a friend who I hadn’t talked to in ten years. When we hung up, we both were smiling and have stayed in touch since.

The key here is not to judge yourself in relation to how others are dealing with their grief. Rather, find the ways to deal with your grief that suit you the best. Think about what you want to do, about what could help you feel better. Then do it, whatever it is. One thing that helps me is to walk on the beach.  I also love to garden and write. Discover something that you feel good doing and that you look forward to doing again, then do it. Just take good care of yourself, please. You are worth it!

 

I would be happy to put you on the reminder list for or Writing Together Through Grief occurring on Saturdays each week by sending an email to me to emily@lovingandlivingyourwaythroughgrief.com and giving me your email address.

You can order Loving and Living Your Way Through Grief  by clicking here at Amazon.

Filed Under: Grief, Loss, Someone to talk to, Support Tagged With: grief, grieving, healthy coping mechanisms, how to deal with grief, losing a loved one, self-care

Doodling Your Grief

April 1, 2021 by Emily Thiroux

I can just hear you say, what does doodling have to do with grief? Think about it, what have you doodled in your life? I remember in junior high school the days seemed interminable. In my class notes, you could find a countdown for the number of minutes left in class, or you’d find my first named followed by the last name of whichever boy I had a crush on in the moment.  I would try out all the different styles of writing of what I dreamed my name would be.  So, again, what does that have to do with grief.

When I did my countdowns or my possible names, that was all I was focusing on.  I escaped into my doodles and away from the drone of the teacher I couldn’t bear to continue listing to.  Doodling when grieving can have the same effect. You can clear your thoughts and focus on the colors and shapes you choose as well as focusing on the movement of your hand.  Even if you think you can’t draw, everyone can doodle. I took a ceramics class from the wonderful ceramic artist Patricia Griffin, and she showed us how we could doodle on clay.  The picture at the top of this page is a ceramic bowl I made and doodled on.  And here is a picture of a cheese board I created in Patricia’s Iclass. You can look up on Google and see the beautiful work she does.

I like to start by drawing shapes on a piece of paper and then dividing up the shapes. Then I fill them in with more shapes and then colors.  The first picture here shows how I first sketch what I am going to doodle around with a pencil. Then I cover the pencil marks with a very fine rolling ball black pen; then I erase the pencil marks. I fill in what I outlined with colored pencils.  Of course, with doodling, you can do it any way you want to! You can also Google Zentangle and see all the images there. There are so many!

The key here is not how you do it. Rather, the key is to do it.  Get lost in your colors and lines. Relax, have fun, and totally forget about anything else as you do it.  Make it a form of meditation for you. Doodling has also been used for helping people deal with cancer and helping children deal with health issues.

I would love for you to find as many different ways as you can to deal with the different aspects of grieving. If you have found other creative ways to deal with grief, please share them with us in the comments below. We are all in this together, and we can all help each other out!

I would be happy to put you on the reminder list for or Writing Together Through Grief occurring on Saturdays each week by sending an email to me to emily@lovingandlivingyourwaythroughgrief.com and giving me your email address.

You can order Loving and Living Your Way Through Grief  by clicking here at Amazon.

 

Filed Under: Creativity, Happiness, Meditation, Support, Uncategorized Tagged With: bereavement gifts, grief, grieving cycle, healthy coping mechanisms, how to deal with grief, Joy, reclaiming your joy

Will it Ever End?

March 24, 2021 by Emily Thiroux

I saw on the news last night about another mass shooting. They showed a picture of each of the ten victims and shared who they were. I found myself teary, which led to actually crying. I didn’t know any of these people and I’ve only been to Colorado once, so I asked myself why this affected me this way?   And I realized that I was dealing with compounding grief.

This shooting brought back memories of way too many more mass shootings. I even knew a victim of once of these incidents.  Fortunately, she didn’t die, but her being hurt reminded me that this could happen to anyone anytime.  They not only happen in in clubs, in theatres, and at concerts, but also at school and even church.  A mass school shooting happened in the 70’s in San Diego at a school close to where we lived.  My children were walking to school with a helicopter flying low over them, and when they got in their classrooms, the doors were locked. Another shooting happened when they were in junior high school and a shooter was shooting into classrooms from a park across the street. Fortunately, in that instance, no one was hurt.

As I considered my reaction last night, I recognized that I don’t fear mass shootings.  There is no way we can know when something like this will happen, and fear wouldn’t change or help anything. What does happen with me is memories of my loved ones who have died.  I am reminded of all I will never experience again with all these people.  No more conversations, no more hugs, no more celebrations. My heart aches for those who loved these current victims thinking about all they will miss now. This I am sure is what brought the tears.

Tragedies like these happen as a part of life. If guns weren’t available, people who want to create this mayhem will find another way. Dwelling on these heart wrenching events does not serve us. Instead, we can use devastating events like this as an inspiration to live our best lives now when we can. Focus on each moment, sharing love and giving support to people we love every chance we get. Recognize all the love and beauty you have in your life right now and do whatever you can to multiply that. Don’t leave things unsaid that can lead to regret later. And include yourself in all that love. You are precious and special and deserve great experiences. Make them happen.

And instead of focusing on the sorrow you hold about the people you have lost, focus on the love you shared. Remember all the good things and know they will always be in your heart. When things happen that appear to be negative, always search for the bright side and actively do something that will make you and the loved ones you are surrounded by now feel all that love you are sending out. And remember to graciously receive that love they are reflecting to you.

 

 

I would be happy to put you on the reminder list for or Writing Together Through Grief occurring on Saturdays each week by sending an email to me to emily@lovingandlivingyourwaythroughgrief.com and giving me your email address.

You can order Loving and Living Your Way Through Grief  by clicking here at Amazon.

Filed Under: Community, Love, Support, Uncategorized Tagged With: community, friends, grief, healthy coping mechanisms, how to deal with grief, love, memories, self-care, support

Busy-ness

March 17, 2021 by Emily Thiroux

Last week I hit a wall. I have been working all day long every day on doing things to market my book, and one day I just couldn’t think of one more thing to do.  I knew that wasn’t true, but I still felt that way.  My intention is for my book to become a best seller so that it can bring comfort, support, love, and joy to all who read it. And we all have been dealing with grief and loss on some level, so I want to get the message of my book out to everyone who can use it.

My publisher has an excellent marketing team, and I know they are doing a lot.  I appreciate that, and I also know I can do more.  Every podcast I am on, each opportunity I have to speak, each time I am interviewed on the radio, I reach more people.  All the social media I do also reaches many people. And all of this keeps me very busy.

As I was thinking about all this, I realized that what is missing is time for me. In focusing all my energy in one direction, wasn’t taking care of myself.  When this hit me, I decided that I would not continue this behavior, and I started thinking about what I do. I made some new commitments just for me.

I will now longer work on weekends. Last weekend was wonderful! I taught my Writing Through Grief online class, which isn’t work for me.  I consider it part of my creative time. The rain stopped for a while, so I sat outside and enjoyed the fresh air. I took a bubble bath. I read a book. I drew a picture of some spring daffodils. I meditated longer. And I fixed dinner. And on Monday morning, I felt great and had lots of positive energy to start my week.

Giving up my busy-ness has already made a big difference for me. Are you always busy? What ways can you find more time to take care of you? Focus on how special and beautiful you are. Give yourself some love. Make yourself your number one priority! You will be so glad you did.

 

You can order Loving and Living Your Way Through Grief  by clicking here at Amazon.

I would be happy to put you on the reminder list for or Writing Together Through Grief occurring on Saturdays each week by sending an email to me to emily@lovingandlivingyourwaythroughgrief.com and giving me your email address.

Filed Under: Happiness, pressure, Support, Uncategorized Tagged With: bereavement gifts, grief, grieving cycle, healthy coping mechanisms, how to deal with grief, losing a loved one, practicing gratitude

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