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Dangling

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I saw a leaf dangling in the breeze, barely connected to the branch where it had grown, and I thought of me and my relationship with grief. Dangling is that tenuous position where I delicately hang, fluttering in the breeze not sure of whether to hang on or let go.

Hanging on seems important. I’ve been grieving for so long for one person after another that there is some security in grief. I know how to be and what to expect there, but it certainly is not a place of peace or comfort. Always feeling that ragged edge of constant yearning and sadness is heavy in my heart. Grief does serve an important purpose, and grief never really goes away, but I see now that I don’t have to live fully immersed in it. Instead of drowning from its weight, I can place it gently into a special place in my heart, offer it my gratitude, and see how much more life has in store for me.

Instead of continuing to dangle precariously, I am choosing to use my inner strength and live to break free, or really rather to break open away from that strenuous and draining clutch on that branch to the freedom of letting go allowing the wind to gently blow me forward to blue skies and sunshine.

I now breath deep with an ever present smile knowing that my world is filled with the giving and receiving of love and constant beauty. I love that I have discovered my purpose along the way of holding your hand and supporting and guiding you along your way to also discover all the joy, love, and beauty that awaits you as you open your heart and eyes and arms to embrace it all. I am grateful to be on this journey with you.

Bring My Flowers Now

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I enjoyed watching the Grammy Awards last night, though the constant reminders of the death of Kobe Bryant and his daughter kept me thinking about his family. In that context, one song really affected me. Tanya Tucker sang “Bring My Flowers Now” for which she earned her first Grammy 47 years after her first Grammy nomination.  Not only that, but it took her 30 years to write the song.

I related to her lyrics as a read them.  The chorus is:

“Bring my flowers now, while I’m liven’ . . .

Don’t spend time, tears, or money on my old breathless body,

If your heart is in them flowers, bring ‘em on.”

This reminded me of my sweet Jacques who believed I should always have fresh flowers. When they were blooming in our garden, he’d cut them to bring inside. When they weren’t blooming at home, he would bring them from the grocery store, and always from the florist for special occasions. I never doubted his love. I didn’t need the flowers to know that, but I did love how he cared for me.

Love doesn’t have to be demonstrated with flowers. But a constant demonstration of love is a beautiful gift. My daughter always signs any messages with “I love you.” This is a special reminder. And there are so many other ways to demonstrate love.  My neighbor and good friend Dawn brings us servings of delicious food she makes.  Robin meditates with me daily and runs to the grocery store or pharmacy for me when I can’t go myself. Henry gives my son rides since he doesn’t drive, and he’s always available with his truck when we need to haul something big. Kind words from people I work with, and vegetables and fruits that my neighbors share are all signs of love.

I make a point to say what I need to say to those I love while I can. As Tanya says:

“The days are long, but the years are lightning

They’re bright and they will never strike again.

I wish I’d been a better friend, daughter . . . .”

I wonder what people are thinking today that they wish they had told Kobe while they could. An uncertainty we will always have is when it will be too late to express our love. Take this inspiration to express your love, to express your gratitude, and to love yourself. Don’t put it off. In the end, love is all that matters.

 

Listen to Tanya’s song here.

Wabi-Sabi and Grief

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Wabi-Sabi is the Japanese aesthetic of finding the beauty of imperfection.  Grief is like this. There is nothing perfect about grief. Grief goes all over the place with highs and lows and unexpected sharp turns and cliffs. Yet grief also has the beauty of precious memories, the coming together of family and friends, and the peace of relief when we catch our breath.

A roller-coaster is akin to the Wabi-Sabi of grief. While if you step back to look at a roller coaster, it may seem chaotic a messy. Creating a roller coaster actually takes years of thought and effort to design. Things like safety and thrills as well as what makes a new roller coaster bigger, better, and faster are all considered to create a carefully crafted, perfectly operating machine. And when the roller coaster ceases to function, a great deal of work is required to take it apart. The relationship you had with your loved one also took a long time to build and perfect, and it was likely filled with twists and turns and will take a long time and effort to shift when transition comes.

As your relationship grew with your loved one, your path was not always straight. Chances are it ranged from blue skies and butterflies, to passion and deep love, to occasional hick-ups bringing disagreements or resentment, but overall, it was pretty wonderful and definitely had thrills at times, just like that roller coaster.  The last time I was on a roller coaster, I experienced an overwhelming need to stand up right in the middle of the ride and just get off. This all could be included in the experience of grief. There are high and lows. Sometimes it goes so fast that you can’t catch your breath, while other times you can escape into the depths of meditation for a brief period of respite. And you always wish to somehow get off, to have the grief to not be happening or have it be over.

Looking at your grief from the perspective of Wabi-Sabi where you know that grief is not a straight line from point A to point B, will allow you to recognize that all of the experiences are part of a whole, big experience. Each part is a simple part, not the whole thing. If you collapse into tears, the tears will not flow forever. If your feel isolated, the aloneness won’t last forever. Look at each experience as just part of a some-what messy or imperfect Wabi-Sabi whole. Experience the sadness that you need to. Cry the tears that you need to. Spend time alone when you need to. And also remember the joys of the times you spent together. The smile of your loved one. The depths of your love. Eventually the high points and beauty of the experience will be much more and last longer than the low points. You have that to look forward to as you do the rest of your life. Instead of focusing on the negativity of this imperfect part of your life, focus on the beauty of the imperfection.

When I taught basket weaving, some students would come to learn how to make a perfect basket. But I taught my students how to allow the process of responding to the materials being used to allow the basket to become a unique, imperfect work of art. The picture I include here is an example of a basket I wove. Allow your grief to become that work of art that is perfect in its imperfection.

 

Reclaiming Your Joy After Loss

Surrender

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Where are you right now? Are you where you want to be? Where you thought you would be? The one thing that can keep us stuck, feeling like we don’t know what to do, where to go, or who to be, is the struggle to be where we used to be or where we always wanted to be.

When dealing with the loss of a loved one, you know that things will never be the same. And that’s hard. You may have had that perfect husband or wife that you always dreamed of. Or you may have had a loving, caring mother or father that has always been a big part of your life. Or maybe your darling son or daughter died, or your best friend. Whoever it was, having that person present in your daily life has ended, and you can’t go back not matter how much you think you want to.

You never really dreamed about what it would be like to be without this special person in your life, and you can’t see your future without him or her. Since you can’t go back, and you can’t go forward, what you have left is right now.  The kindest thing you can do right now for yourself is to surrender to what has happened. Surrendering does not mean forgetting your love and your loss. Surrendering means recognizing that right now, in this moment, you are alive, and your loved one is not and will not be physically by your side anymore.

Dwelling in the past makes it impossible for you to deal with today and tomorrow. Surrendering to the knowledge that you are still here, and you have this moment to live, as well as the rest of your life, is powerful.  Immediately after a death, everything seems kind of surreal. You expect to see your loved one, or you want to talk to them, or you need their opinion on something. Not being able to pick up the phone and call them, or roll over in bed to snuggle, or fix them dinner is heartbreaking each time it happens, until you come to terms with your loss and surrender.

I am not encouraging you to forget them. They all are and will be a very special part of your life, but you will find that when you surrender to the lack of their physical presence, you will be able to take a deep breath. You will be able to focus on this moment, right now, and live only there. Lovingly reminisce about yesterday. Dream about all the wonders of your tomorrows. And right now, in this moment, live in gratitude for the one you loved, for the life you have, and for the possibilities waiting for you. Surrender to all things bright, and beautiful, and lovely, and keep your focus right here on the very special person you are and the wonderful present you create.

 

to join our Reclaim Your Joy Class, click here

My Gift to You

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Holidays can be a challenge when dealing with loss, so I have a little “pick me up” for you! As I was considering what I would do to make the holiday season the best for me, I came up with so many things that I decided to put them into a little class for you.  The class has 12 sessions, one day at a time, to do in December.  The class is totally free, and you can share it if you like. It also provides a way for us to stay in touch as you are participating. It doesn’t take much time and is designed to bring you smiles.

To sign up, just go to Find Your Holiday Joy!   https://www.reclaimingyourjoywithemily.com/offers/M72VdL8y

You can start anytime you like, and a new class will open each day for 12 days.

Be sure to take time to take care of yourself during this season. Know that certain memories are likely to trigger tears, and if they do, remember to smile and remember the love you shared.

 

I am also thrilled to announce that I am a featured presenter in @AfterChloe & Friends: Living After Loss #OnlineSummit. I would personally love to invite you. Click here for free access to this powerful Summit. Link to Summit

https://after-chloe.teachable.com/a/aff_68dbk736/external?affcode=129902_u_o28_cl

 

And I am being interviewed on The Beautiful Network of Women radio blog show on December 12 at 12:30 CST. The show will be recorded and available on the website after that date if you don’t catch it live. We’ll be talking about how to find your joy during the holidays.

https://www.blogtalkradio.com/b-now

 

And, to network with friends, please join out private Facebook group, Reclaiming Your Joy After Loss. This is a great place to share feelings and get support from others on this journey.

https://www.facebook.com/groups/ReclaimingYourJoyAfterLoss/

 

And, if you live on Maui or are visiting, email me to get the dates for our upcoming Writing Through Grief and Death Café meetings. emily@emilythirouxthreatt.com

 

I look forward to hearing from you and helping you to have happier holidays!

 

Love,

Emily

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Moments of Grief

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I have a wonderful studio that Ron had built for me when we moved to Maui. He knew I would miss the studio I had on the mainland, so he arranged for a bigger studio to be built here. As wonderful as my studio is, by the time it was completed, I needed to be with Ron most of the time, and even though the studio is on our property, it’s  far enough away from the house so that when time was of the essence when he had medical emergencies, I couldn’t get back up to the house fast enough. So, I didn’t spend much time there.

After Ron’s transition, I just couldn’t bring myself to go to the studio. Now, two years later, I am feeling creative again and have been appreciating what a wonderful gift studio is to me.  I was there a couple of days ago and was suddenly overcome by tears. I realized that it was a profound moment of missing him. When the tears slowed, I was able to complete what I was doing before I came back up to the house, though still a little shaken.

Ron used to spend much time on our lanai, Hawaiian for patio, where he would enjoy the beauty, the birds, the rainbows, and the butterflies that would actually come up and land on him. He told me that there would come a time that when I saw a butterfly or heard the birds or saw a rainbow, that I would know he was right there with me. Also, we got married on 1/1/11, so whenever I see 1111, I feel his presence also.

Since my episode at the studio, I have been a little fragile. I have moments of grief when I see something about someone dying on TV or someone mentions a loved one they are grieving for. But each time something comes up, the birds, the rainbows, or the butterflies or show up. And so does 1111. Yesterday I was talking on the phone with someone from a company who is helping with a big fundraising project I am working on. I am very excited about this project to raise funds for the Jazz Camp Maui my granddaughter has created. When I hung up, I looked at my phone and it was 11:11. Ron loved the idea of this camp, so I knew he is right here supporting my efforts. Think of what special things remind you of your loved one and notice when you see or experience them.

As the holidays are coming, we all are more prone to moments of grief which is perfectly natural as we go through this experience. The key is to stay in the moment and not get lost in the sorrow.  Think of how our loved one would want us to feel. Remember the joy of our love for them. Find little ways to celebrate that joy from writing or calling someone who is alone for the holidays, to volunteering someplace that could really use your help. Discover how wonderful life still is, and how much better it is because of the love you got to share.

 

Sign up for my free class to help you through the holidays.