The Grief and Happiness Alliance

Support

Creating Community

by

Sharon and I shared a similar experience in that we moved with our husbands to Maui only to have them die not long after we arrived. While Maui is beautiful, it is one of the most isolated places in the world to live. So both of us discovered ways to meet people and get involved in our community which has brought us joy and a sense of belonging. We love it here.

When Ron and I first moved into our home, our lawn was carpeted with fallen lilikoi, or passion fruit as some people call it. While I love the taste and fragrance of lilikoi, I had no idea what to do with so much of it. We also had lots of papayas and bananas. While this bounty of fresh tropical fruit was wonderful, we couldn’t begin to eat it all, and I couldn’t stand to see it go to waste. I discovered an app called Nextdoor.com where I could post things that my neighbors could read, so I used it to notify my neighbors that I had fruit to share. Every Friday afternoon from 4 to 5, I invite anyone who wants to come to share what they have from their gardens that is more than they can use. We have a regular following now who come very week as well as new people who come occasionally. We’ve developed our own little Ohana, the Hawaiian word for family. And we all have all the produce and eggs we can eat. I met Sharon there.

When Sharon moved to the island, she had the comfort she found from her church, but she was happy to meet new people. She spends lots of time in her big beautiful yard tending fruits and vegetables. At one point, she had quite an abundance of vegetables, so she decided to invite the people she had met so far to her home for a luncheon of a big batch of ratatouille. The food was luscious, and I made new friends there. She also was involved in the Maui Farmers Union United who is happy to have home gardeners involved, so she invited me to their meetings. I loved this group and joined to go to their monthly potlucks and learn all about food farming on the island. And I also discovered Neil and Elena there, part of our Produce Share family.

Monday Sharon did another pop-up luncheon, this time with both green and red gazpacho due to an abundance of tomatoes and avocados. Yum! And served with new friends!

Recently Shena invited me to an Intention Circle. A new experience for me, a group of eight people gather to listen to each other’s intentions and meditate considering them and supporting each other. It was a powerful gathering, and the best part was I met eight new friends! I have discovered that in order to meet people and have wonderful experiences on Maui, I just need to be creative and to say yes when invited to new experiences. Often in grief we tend to isolate ourselves or cocoon, and that is OK. But when we are ready, saying yes to the experience of life can support us in ways we haven’t dreamed of before. You can create your own event or experience, and you can accept invitations and try new things. Try it. You’ll be so glad you did.

 

Home

Surrendering

by

We hold on so tight to our beliefs and our possessions, yet sometimes holding on actually builds resistance in a way that prevents forward movement. Can you think of a way that holding on is affecting you?

Ron and I had a home in Ventura, California. We were a mile from the beach, we could easily walk to stores and restaurants, we were surrounded by friends, and we had a huge yard to garden in and with lots of avocado trees. I thought this was our forever home. We traveled to Europe, Central America, and South America, but we mostly traveled to Maui. Ron had lived on Maui many years before, and I knew he loved Maui.

On a visit to Maui he suggested that we move here. Immediately I panicked. What about all my friends and family? What about our wonderful home? And at the same moment, I knew Ron wanted to spend his last days on Maui, so I said yes. I had no idea what I was in for. We easily found a place to buy on Maui and quickly sold our Ventura home for an amazing profit that allowed our move to happen with ease and grace.

The process of this move showed me how much stuff we had accumulated. Our Ventura home was about double the size of our new Maui home, and it was full. How was I going to live not only without the home I loved, but also without all our stuff? And to top it off, Ron’s health was getting progressively worse, so basically, he watched while I packed. With each item I packed, I considered if I really wanted to ship whatever it was across the ocean. Did I really need or even want it?

Friends came to help me pack, and I was grateful to give things to them. Somehow knowing that someone I loved would have something I had considered precious eased the pain. And it felt so good to give things away. We also had a garage sale the turned into a joyous party with all our friends complete with the Bloody Mary’s Chappy brought.  We made over $3,000 dollars, so we really got rid of lots of stuff. And of course, I was giving more things away to my friends. When we still had stuff left and it was time to close, Rose made a big FREE sign, and it all disappeared.

After we arrived in Maui, we waited 6 weeks before our belongings arrived since they had to be transported by ship. During that time, we barrowed two chairs, we bought a fold up table and a blow-up mattress, and we essentially camped out in our new home. I was amazed, but it actually felt good not to be weighed down by all the stuff. During that time, we talked about what we needed to be comfortable, and when our container arrived, we ended up getting rid of much more stuff.

The whole experience of downsizing and moving across the ocean enabled me to see what was important. For Ron and me, it was the time we got to spend together. If that was affected by “stuff,” we let that stuff go. We spent our time mostly sitting on our lanai (Hawaiian for patio or porch), listening to the birds, watching the butterflies and clouds, and telling each other stories of love. We realized that all we really needed was those two borrowed chairs and a blow-up mattress.

Since Ron’s transition, I haven’t accumulated much more. I have collected a little Hawaiian art, and I have decorated my home with artwork I have created. And I have added items to my pantry in order to be creative with preparing a healthy diet. I have surrendered all that no longer serves me. Whenever I notice something I know longer need, I ask myself if there is someone I know who could use whatever it is. If not, I pass it on to the women’s shelter or the Salvation Army.

I feel so much lighter, like I have lost the weight of the world, or at least of my earthly possessions. And I am grateful for this lesson. What can you surrender?

 

Take a class with me!

Who cares who is watching?

by

When I was growing up, I was always doing things to impress my parents, to see if they were watching. Most times they didn’t. After I left home, I would do things to impress my husband to see if he was watching, but generally he wasn’t impressed. Then I started doing things that I could share to impress people at my class reunions, but they didn’t care much either. When I married Jacques, he did notice what I did and shared with me how much he appreciated me. I knew he was watching, and that was a much more positive inspiration to do good things.

After Jacques died, I began to feel like everybody was watching me, wondering what I would do next, afraid to get too close for fear of dealing with the subject of death. I felt like everyone was judging me, waiting to see if I was being a good widow. I know how absurd that sounds, but in grief, we aren’t always rational. I recall one time when a gentleman friend offered to accompany me to an event I didn’t want to attend alone, not as a date but as a friend. I actually heard people say that it was much too soon for me to be dating. I guess widows are just supposed to stay home and grieve forever.

As I reflected on all this, I realized that what I did or said was no one else’s business, just as what they said or did was not my business. I realized I was judging them, and they were judging me. That hit me hard. As I journaled and meditated about that, I realized that the most important thing for me to do at that time was to release all judgment, my judgment of anyone as well as my judgment of myself. And I did. And it felt like a miracle happened. Every time I felt myself start to slip, I would smile and recognize that I didn’t need to judge, and I didn’t need to pay attention to judgement, so I just focused on what was positive instead. I would forgive myself and move forward. It took a little time, but the more I released, the lighter I felt.

I now live in a judgement free zone. I focus on what is beautiful and good, on what is positive and filled with joy. I only pay attention to what I love about others, about me, and whatever happens. And my life is pretty fabulous. I encourage you to examine your thinking. Do you spend your time on the negative or the positive? I guarantee, the more positive you are, the more wonder and joy will discover.

 

Take a class with me!

Change Your World!

by

I read a short book today named A Pocket Guide to Gratitude by one of our Reclaiming Your Joy After Loss group members, Karen Schaal.  It reminded me of my journey with gratitude that I thought I will share with you. Reflecting now, I can see clearly the division in my life from before I really started practicing gratitude to when I adopted a practice of focusing on gratitude every day.

My life was good. I was married to Jacques, a kind, brilliant, loving man, was involved in my community, and I loved what I was doing with my life. Then I had the opportunity to support him through the last two years of his life. Then I was alone. My attitude was negative. I was lonely. I didn’t know what to do with myself, so I mostly felt sorry for me. None of that was helping me at all, but I didn’t see it at the time. I was inspired to write a list of things I was grateful for after watching the move The Secret. I was hesitant at first with my negative attitude trying to convince me I didn’t have anything to be grateful for. Surprisingly, I discovered I had lots to be grateful for. The more items I wrote on my list, the more grateful I became, and the more things I thought of to be grateful for.

Soon I realized that I was thanking people all the time. I was smiling more than I had in years, and my attitude had mostly switched to positive. I did learn to pay attention when I would automatically react with a knee-jerk negative thought, but as I paid attention to this, it happened less and less. I have continued my gratitude practice for 12 years now and it grows stronger all the time. Reading that book today, it really hit me that I am such a different person than I was before. I focus on the good, on reaching out, and on being grateful for every moment making every moment something to be grateful for.

Recognizing what you are grateful for can’t help but make you smile. And all those smiles bring so much positivity into your life. I encourage you to focus on what you are grateful in your life. One way you can do this is by “Flipping the script.” What I mean by this is to notice when you start drifting into negativity. For instance, you might say “I have nothing to be grateful for since my loved one died, and I am alone.” Yes, that is sad, but you can find something positive by saying, “I am grateful for all the years, the moments I had with my loved one.” Or “I am grateful for the wonderful conversations we had.” Thinking those thoughts with a positive attitude can bring you a smile. And you will discover things to actively do to bring more smiles based on those thoughts. You could invite a friend for a cup of tea or glass of wine and have a lovely conversation. Or you could spend some time with a friend or family member doing something that brings you both joy.

You can feel so much better when you focus on all the good in your life instead of on the negative. I encourage you to write down 5 things you are grateful for right now in this moment. Then see how good it feels. Then keep up the practice. You’ll be so glad you do!

 

Join our closed Facebook group.

What do you see in your mirror?

by

I have a strong memory from years ago when I bumped into a colleague at the University. She had recently returned to teaching after her husband died suddenly in the classroom while lecturing. She had a far-away slight smile and few words. I understood her reluctance for casual conversation, but I noticed spots of moisturizer that hadn’t been rubbed into her face. She was grateful that I pointed them out and left for the rest room to attend to them. I thought at that time that she was having trouble looking at herself in the mirror.

In dealing with loss, we have a tendency to lose ourselves. Our self-identity fades away as personal things lose their importance. This is a slippery slope that can lead to depression and blockages to moving forward. After I met Ron, I still had times when I would drift into contemplation, considering who I was and what I should be doing, feeling kind of blank. Ron would notice when this would happen and encourage me to spend time in front of the mirror. I resisted because I couldn’t imagine how this would help. I did start noticing, though, when I would pass a mirror or see myself in a picture, that who I saw when I felt like that was not who I wanted to be. Sometimes I would look sad or haggard or old, and I thought I wouldn’t want to hang around with someone who looked that that. I realized then that my look reflected how I was feeling inside that I wasn’t expressing out loud.

It wasn’t easy, but I started paying attention when I noticed these looks instead of just looking away, and I made it a practice to smile and make me look like the person I wanted to feel like. I took a while and I had to be diligent, but it worked. The age and pain on my face faded away and I started feeling better. The more I genuinely smiled, the better I felt. I found positive things to focus on and to do. When I caught a glimpse of that sad lady, I would smile and remember that I wasn’t her anymore. I practiced by smiling at babies because they love to smile back!

I sometimes catch a look that doesn’t reflect the real me when I go to take a selfy or record a video for my class. When I do, I just delete the look and the feeling and do it again with a smile!

What does your mirror tell you? Do you really look at yourself or just check to see that your hair is combed the way you want it and your make-up is where you want it to be? Take time each day to look into your mirror, smile big, and say “I love you.” Then notice how your beauty shines through!

 

https://www.reclaimingyourjoywithemily.com

What Are We Doing?

by

When I was talking to Saundy the other day, she was expressing her distress about the children being held at the border. She wants to do something, but she feels helpless. I thought about her comments when I heard about the shootings this weekend. What can we do? Are we actually helpless?

In situations like these, many of us grieve, piling experiences up until we either become overwhelmed by them or become numb by them. Either of these reactions don’t serve us, so what does?

The answer can come from us focusing together on love. The people who are committing these atrocities are generally working in isolation. When we read about them, we usually discover that they are loners seeking attention. They get inspired by people who espouse hate and gain much recognition from negativity. In an attempt to become idolized and recognized, they step on to a lonely stage not realizing that there are no positive outcomes once they cross that negative line of abomination.

So how can love change this? I have written before about how there are only two emotions: love and fear. Everything stems from these two. In order to make positive changes, releasing fear and focusing on love is essential. Studies have been done that show that when many people focus on love when dealing with a situation at the same time world wide, positive change happens not only in relation to acts of violence, but also in things like accidents and health emergencies. While this might seem unrealistic to you, try putting it I to action in your life.

Upon reflection, I can see how negatively and fear of death severely affected Jacques’ last couple of years. People stopped coming around, and loneliness and pain was heart breaking. Everything was different when Ron transitioned. We spent our time focusing on the joy in each moment. We were surrounded by love with laughter, friends, and music.

When we all decide to focus our lives on love, we will witness change. Instead of focusing the negativity of what’s happening in our government and society, try focusing on sending love and forgiveness to those who we see as the enemy or the problem. Instead of focusing on complaining about what politicians are doing, focus on finding something they do that is positive. For instance, instead of writing a letter complaining of the treatment of families and children at the border, write about how wonderful it will be for families to be reunited when the problems are solved that created the situation.

While this may sound naive, actually, this is the behavior that can create the change we are desiring. I encourage you to remember the words to John Lennon’s song Imagine.

“… Imagine all the people …. living for today…nothing to kill or die for … living life in peace….
I hope someday you’ll join us and the world will be as one.”

Let’s commit right now to focusing on peace and love. We can do this. Together we can change the world!

 

Take a class from Emily!