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Who Do You Touch?

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I went to listen to music and watch the sunset sitting outside last night not far from the beach. I invited my friend Sharon to go with me and we had a great time people watching. I was talking with people sitting near by when someone mentioned how much she likes my Facebook Group Reclaiming Your Joy After Loss for its positivity and support. I was tickled to hear that someone appreciates what I do when I realized I was sitting with three of my group members. What a treat. 

I spend lots of time writing my blog, posting on social media, and working to get my book published, but I don’t always hear that people are actually seeing what I do and are affected by what I say. I realized last night the power of my positivity. I love to help and support people and see that my reach is further than I had imagined.

When you speak or write, who hears you? Is the message you send out who you really are? Will people find comfort in what you say? Or will their heart break a little because they felt judged or like they are not enough? 

The words you speak or write have power. Choose what you say wisely, and infuse your words with positivity and love. I am grateful you read this. My intention is to support you on your journey with love. 

 

If you would like to join our Facebook group, go to Reclaiming Your Joy After Loss and ask to join. I hope to see you there!

Finding My Smile

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Right when I returned from an inspiring ceramics workshop in Bali, Jacques’s cousins came to visit me for a week to celebrate Natalie’s 89thbirthday. During these weeks, I took lots of pictures, and as I was looking through them this morning, I was kind of surprised at all my smiles in pictures of me which caused me to reflect.

When Ron and I first got together, I remember that he frequently reminded me to smile telling me how beautiful I was when I did. I would smile when he asked, but at that time I felt stressed by all I was doing, and smiles faded as I was absorbed into working and all the other things I felt I had to do. The longer I was with Ron, though, the easier the smiles came, and I discovered how good I felt when I smiled.

After Ron’s transition, I felt like I was in a kind of void. The emotions that did come up related to loss and usually brought tears. As I started writing about how I was feeling, I discovered that what I was writing could help others dealing with loss. I became immersed in writing and helping others use writing to deal with their loss. The more I did this, the happier I became. I host regular Writing Through Grief and Death Café meeting which have brought me many new friends, and without thinking about it, my smiles gradually returned.

Then I went to Bali and enjoyed the visit from my cousins Toni and Natalie when I returned. In Bali, I actually felt the smiles often, and when I spent time with my cousins, I not only smiled, but I found myself laughing. Those frequent laughs and giggles felt so good like my heart was breaking open ready to allow more love and more joy in as I shared more love and joy with others.

After a loss, becoming isolated is more common than not, and smiling is a social reaction. If you aren’t ready to go out and experience joy with others, trying watching funny movies or YouTube videos that make you smile and laugh. The more you practice, the easier it will be to smile. Then try inviting someone to do something with you just for fun. I just went to the Maui Aquarium for the first time when my cousins came. The aquarium has been there all along, but I finally decided to experience it, and it was so much fun especially since I had such good company.

However you feel right now, you can feel better. You can always have more joy and more laughter in your life. The key is to make that a priority. You will be so glad you did!

 

Take a class with me and find your smile!

Do You Need Help?

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I love to help people. I always have ideas I like to share with people when the express something I know I have just what they need. But I am realizing that sometimes they need me to just shut up and listen really paying attention. 

Have you ever been in a situation where there was something heavy on your heart and you just needed to express it? You finally get the perfect opportunity and right when you get to the important part of your story, someone says “Oh, I know how you feel. That happened to me.” Then someone else says, “Me too! This is what you need to do about that.” Then the two of them get into a discussion and there you sit, in limbo. You didn’t get to finish your story, and you feel worse than you did before you started to share.

That happened to me yesterday, only I was the one getting into a discussion with a third person about what the story teller could do about her situation even though we hadn’t heard the whole story. Fortunately, our story teller let us talk a little, and then told us that she didn’t finish and that she wanted to complete expressing herself, and that she wasn’t looking for advice. She just needed to be heard. 

That took my breath away. Here I was trying to help yet did more damage than good. So we became silent and really paid attention while she finished what she needed to say. She took a big breath, and sat in silence. Then she thanked us explaining she just needed to be heard. And we offered no advice. 

I’ve been thinking of this experience. It caused me to ponder what I say and when I say it. I realize that instead of thinking about what I can say in response to what someone is saying, I just need to sit in silence, gently observing the speaker and holding support for her journey. Realizing this has been humbling. I commit to paying more attention now, listening, and allowing someone the opportunity to be heard. 

Of course I am still full of advice, but now I will always think before I speak. 

 

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Creating Community

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Sharon and I shared a similar experience in that we moved with our husbands to Maui only to have them die not long after we arrived. While Maui is beautiful, it is one of the most isolated places in the world to live. So both of us discovered ways to meet people and get involved in our community which has brought us joy and a sense of belonging. We love it here.

When Ron and I first moved into our home, our lawn was carpeted with fallen lilikoi, or passion fruit as some people call it. While I love the taste and fragrance of lilikoi, I had no idea what to do with so much of it. We also had lots of papayas and bananas. While this bounty of fresh tropical fruit was wonderful, we couldn’t begin to eat it all, and I couldn’t stand to see it go to waste. I discovered an app called Nextdoor.com where I could post things that my neighbors could read, so I used it to notify my neighbors that I had fruit to share. Every Friday afternoon from 4 to 5, I invite anyone who wants to come to share what they have from their gardens that is more than they can use. We have a regular following now who come very week as well as new people who come occasionally. We’ve developed our own little Ohana, the Hawaiian word for family. And we all have all the produce and eggs we can eat. I met Sharon there.

When Sharon moved to the island, she had the comfort she found from her church, but she was happy to meet new people. She spends lots of time in her big beautiful yard tending fruits and vegetables. At one point, she had quite an abundance of vegetables, so she decided to invite the people she had met so far to her home for a luncheon of a big batch of ratatouille. The food was luscious, and I made new friends there. She also was involved in the Maui Farmers Union United who is happy to have home gardeners involved, so she invited me to their meetings. I loved this group and joined to go to their monthly potlucks and learn all about food farming on the island. And I also discovered Neil and Elena there, part of our Produce Share family.

Monday Sharon did another pop-up luncheon, this time with both green and red gazpacho due to an abundance of tomatoes and avocados. Yum! And served with new friends!

Recently Shena invited me to an Intention Circle. A new experience for me, a group of eight people gather to listen to each other’s intentions and meditate considering them and supporting each other. It was a powerful gathering, and the best part was I met eight new friends! I have discovered that in order to meet people and have wonderful experiences on Maui, I just need to be creative and to say yes when invited to new experiences. Often in grief we tend to isolate ourselves or cocoon, and that is OK. But when we are ready, saying yes to the experience of life can support us in ways we haven’t dreamed of before. You can create your own event or experience, and you can accept invitations and try new things. Try it. You’ll be so glad you did.

 

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Surrendering

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We hold on so tight to our beliefs and our possessions, yet sometimes holding on actually builds resistance in a way that prevents forward movement. Can you think of a way that holding on is affecting you?

Ron and I had a home in Ventura, California. We were a mile from the beach, we could easily walk to stores and restaurants, we were surrounded by friends, and we had a huge yard to garden in and with lots of avocado trees. I thought this was our forever home. We traveled to Europe, Central America, and South America, but we mostly traveled to Maui. Ron had lived on Maui many years before, and I knew he loved Maui.

On a visit to Maui he suggested that we move here. Immediately I panicked. What about all my friends and family? What about our wonderful home? And at the same moment, I knew Ron wanted to spend his last days on Maui, so I said yes. I had no idea what I was in for. We easily found a place to buy on Maui and quickly sold our Ventura home for an amazing profit that allowed our move to happen with ease and grace.

The process of this move showed me how much stuff we had accumulated. Our Ventura home was about double the size of our new Maui home, and it was full. How was I going to live not only without the home I loved, but also without all our stuff? And to top it off, Ron’s health was getting progressively worse, so basically, he watched while I packed. With each item I packed, I considered if I really wanted to ship whatever it was across the ocean. Did I really need or even want it?

Friends came to help me pack, and I was grateful to give things to them. Somehow knowing that someone I loved would have something I had considered precious eased the pain. And it felt so good to give things away. We also had a garage sale the turned into a joyous party with all our friends complete with the Bloody Mary’s Chappy brought.  We made over $3,000 dollars, so we really got rid of lots of stuff. And of course, I was giving more things away to my friends. When we still had stuff left and it was time to close, Rose made a big FREE sign, and it all disappeared.

After we arrived in Maui, we waited 6 weeks before our belongings arrived since they had to be transported by ship. During that time, we barrowed two chairs, we bought a fold up table and a blow-up mattress, and we essentially camped out in our new home. I was amazed, but it actually felt good not to be weighed down by all the stuff. During that time, we talked about what we needed to be comfortable, and when our container arrived, we ended up getting rid of much more stuff.

The whole experience of downsizing and moving across the ocean enabled me to see what was important. For Ron and me, it was the time we got to spend together. If that was affected by “stuff,” we let that stuff go. We spent our time mostly sitting on our lanai (Hawaiian for patio or porch), listening to the birds, watching the butterflies and clouds, and telling each other stories of love. We realized that all we really needed was those two borrowed chairs and a blow-up mattress.

Since Ron’s transition, I haven’t accumulated much more. I have collected a little Hawaiian art, and I have decorated my home with artwork I have created. And I have added items to my pantry in order to be creative with preparing a healthy diet. I have surrendered all that no longer serves me. Whenever I notice something I know longer need, I ask myself if there is someone I know who could use whatever it is. If not, I pass it on to the women’s shelter or the Salvation Army.

I feel so much lighter, like I have lost the weight of the world, or at least of my earthly possessions. And I am grateful for this lesson. What can you surrender?

 

Take a class with me!

Who cares who is watching?

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When I was growing up, I was always doing things to impress my parents, to see if they were watching. Most times they didn’t. After I left home, I would do things to impress my husband to see if he was watching, but generally he wasn’t impressed. Then I started doing things that I could share to impress people at my class reunions, but they didn’t care much either. When I married Jacques, he did notice what I did and shared with me how much he appreciated me. I knew he was watching, and that was a much more positive inspiration to do good things.

After Jacques died, I began to feel like everybody was watching me, wondering what I would do next, afraid to get too close for fear of dealing with the subject of death. I felt like everyone was judging me, waiting to see if I was being a good widow. I know how absurd that sounds, but in grief, we aren’t always rational. I recall one time when a gentleman friend offered to accompany me to an event I didn’t want to attend alone, not as a date but as a friend. I actually heard people say that it was much too soon for me to be dating. I guess widows are just supposed to stay home and grieve forever.

As I reflected on all this, I realized that what I did or said was no one else’s business, just as what they said or did was not my business. I realized I was judging them, and they were judging me. That hit me hard. As I journaled and meditated about that, I realized that the most important thing for me to do at that time was to release all judgment, my judgment of anyone as well as my judgment of myself. And I did. And it felt like a miracle happened. Every time I felt myself start to slip, I would smile and recognize that I didn’t need to judge, and I didn’t need to pay attention to judgement, so I just focused on what was positive instead. I would forgive myself and move forward. It took a little time, but the more I released, the lighter I felt.

I now live in a judgement free zone. I focus on what is beautiful and good, on what is positive and filled with joy. I only pay attention to what I love about others, about me, and whatever happens. And my life is pretty fabulous. I encourage you to examine your thinking. Do you spend your time on the negative or the positive? I guarantee, the more positive you are, the more wonder and joy will discover.

 

Take a class with me!