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Paradise Lost

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Growing up in central California, I heard of a town named Paradise, and I wanted to live there. I looked it up in the library and saw that it was a beautiful town with majestic trees. I loved the idea of getting out of the heat in the high desert where I lived and moving to an idyllic small town. This was a consistent fantasy of mine as I grew up. Now Paradise is gone.

In a moment, homes, businesses, vehicles, and people melted in the flames. Cherished personal possessions turned to ash. What once was most important lost significance to now when life, when living through the horror, is all that matters.

I moved from Ventura, California, three years ago to Maui, my paradise now. I watched from a distance last year as a huge fire raged through Ventura county. My friends were evacuated. The home where I lived when I was there was evacuated. Houses we had considered when we were looking for a new home there burned to the ground, along with homes of friends. Now another fire is barreling though Ventura and Malibu counties.

In an instant, thousands of people lose all their material possessions. All these fires make me reflect on what I would grab on the way to run from a fire, and I realize all I would grab is whoever is there with me in that moment. The stuff doesn’t matter. I would know that my loved ones know how much I love them. I realize that I am living my best life, and I am grateful for every moment.

What would you take? What is most important to you right now? Are you living your best life? If not, start night now. If you are, that’s the best news I’ve heard today! And I am grateful.

Are You Afraid of Dying?

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If you are afraid of dying, I encourage you to examine your feelings. I had the privilege with being with both of my husbands, my aunt, my mother-in-law, friends, and patients at the moment of their passing. In all of those cases, when it came right down to it, I sensed great peace. Well, except Jacques who looked very surprised and said “oh s###!” I think it came on him by surprise, and he never would have been ready.

I can honestly say I am not afraid.  I know this because I live in Hawaii, and in February I received a message on my phone which said, “BALLISTIC MISSILE THREATT INBOUND TO HAWAII. SEEK IMMEDIATE SHELTER. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.” It came on a beautiful day. I was at home visiting with my friend Shena.  My son was in the back yard reading. The message came on our phones at the same moment. My first reaction was to call Jason in from the yard, and we turned on the television to see if there was any news. For 38 minutes, the three of us sat and considered the situation. There was no place to seek shelter, and we decided that if the islands were blown up, we wouldn’t want to live through it. So in an atmosphere of disbelief, we expressed our love to each other, said goodbye, and had a deep conversation while we waited. When the second message came 38 minutes later saying it was a false alarm, we just went on about our day.

The experience of receiving that alert caused me to examine how I actually felt, and I concluded that I felt fine. When the threat appeared real, my thoughts were that I have had an amazing life, I live in a wonderful place, I am filled with love from special friends and family, and I have no regrets. I don’t have a bucket list because if I want to do something, I do it or plan it instead of waiting to see if I may get around to it in the future. All of my affairs are in order so I am not leaving a mess for my loved ones to deal with, and that feels great.

There is an often quoted thought that the only two emotions in life are love and fear. In the case of fearing death, that can occur from not having your affairs in order. Be sure you have a Durable Power of Attorney for Healthcare where you designate what you want to happen in regard to your medical care. You can get a free form online that you can fill out. Do check what the requirements are in your state. In Hawaii they have a completely different form and it’s the only one they accept. And get your financial affairs in order and make sure someone knows what you want and where everything is. You can even plan your own funeral ahead of time, make the arrangements, and pay for it.  That way no one has to worry about it when the time comes.

The most important thing to do though is to express your love and gratitude to all your family and special friends. Let them have your love be what they remember you by. So the choice for me is easy between love and fear. I always choose love. And that is my wish for you

As Time Goes By

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This morning Michelle asked me if we ever stop grieving. I responded that we don’t, but it does soften into a beautiful part of our lives instead of a constant pain.

When each of my husbands died, I lost track of space and time, and I don’t remember how long that lasted. Gradually, time started creeping back in to perspective. I would have an appointment to go to or pressing business that had to be attended, so slowly I became aware of time. I began to remember what day of the week it was. As odd as that sounds to me now, I realize I was out of sync with the world around me.

At first, I would think to myself, he died four days ago, or last week, or twelve days ago. Then I realized I was counting in weeks. I remembered when my babies were little and their short lives we measured first in days, then weeks, then months, and eventually years. That’s how it goes after the death of a loved one, too. 

On September eighth of this year, I realized that I hadn’t thought about September 4 which would have been thirteen months since Ron left. At first I felt guilty at my failure to remember. After I beat myself up a little, I woke up and knew that I haven’t forgotten him, that I had just started expanding my life to think of something else too, and that was good.

My father died in 1989. Although that was almost thirty years ago, I still grieve him, but gently. Veteran’s Day, November 11, was always his favorite holiday as he fought in World War II and was very active in the Veterans of Foreign Wars. So every time I see someone with a VFW cap on or see a buddy poppy or hear that national anthem, I remember my Dad, how proud he was, and how proud I was of him. This is a softer kind of grief. When you can reflect on your loved one and smile, and instead of pain, you remember love.

The fresher your grief, the more your heart aches. And as time goes by, that ache will transform to a smile. 

0 to 60 in 19 Days!

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I learned about the importance of moving my body after I stopped. For a long time before Ron died, his mobility was limited because of his health. I stayed close to him to help as needed, so my mobility became limited, too. Then when he died, I pretty much stopped moving all together. I had no desire to get out of bed for a while. Then I graduated to the couch. The less I moved, the less able I was to move. I finally got to the point that going shopping for food was almost impossible. Thank goodness for those little motor carts!

So, after about 6 months, I said to myself, “This is ridiculous! I don’t want to live this way! So when my health insurance sent me a free membership to the gym, I took it as a sign and enrolled. I wanted motivation, so I signed up for a personal trainer. Drew is fabulous. He assessed the level of exercise I could do and gradually increased my activity each time I went. I was so weak when I started that this was a long process. I was dismayed by the shape I was in, but I was determined not to give up.

I learned of a trip I could go on to Tuscany with an organization I belonged to. It was about six months away, so I signed up for it as my goal to be physically able to go. I did go to the doctor to make sure that I was OK and got the green light to get in shape. The gym wasn’t easy. Each visit I felt like I was barely doing anything, but it wore me out. Having Drew as a cheer leader really helped me, though.

About three weeks before my trip, I came down with bronchitis and was so sick I couldn’t work out. I was still determined and took good care of myself and when my travel date arrived, I set my mind to just do it!  I had no idea how much walking was actually entailed in the trip, and I chose to just not focus on it.  When we needed to walk, I just walked. No one else was walking very slowly or taking breaks, so neither did I. And in the 19 days of the trip, I went from not walking at all to a total of 60 miles according to my iPhone.  I was terribly tired in the evenings, but I did sleep well.

When I returned home, I felt better than I had in years. The walking was so good for me, and I have a regular walking routine now in addition to going to the gym. And Drew is amazed with my progress at the gym, and I am experiencing beautiful places on Maui I hadn’t seen before. I feel so good, and I am so grateful that I didn’t give in to how I was feeling in my grief, and I didn’t give up.

So my message here is please take care of yourself. Whatever shape you are in emotionally or physically, you can do better and it feels so good when you do!

What Does Eating Have to Do With Grief?

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Picture your absolutely favorite food. What does it smell like? What does it look like? What does it taste like? Imagine sitting at your table beautifully set and that perfect food before you. Place one bite in your mouth. Savor it. Experience what it feels like in your mouth. Gently swallow that bite. And sit for a moment, seeing what is left of your severing before you. Enjoy the taste lingering in your mouth. Take a deep breath. Smile at your pleasure. Then take another small bite and enjoy the experience all over again.

So many times we eat whatever is available, and we eat in a rush.  While that may deal with an immediate problem of hunger or not having the time to eat, it doesn’t usually serve us. Eating is one of the most important things we do for ourselves and much too frequently, we just don’t pay attention. 

In transitioning through the process of grieving, eating challenges often happen. Either we eat mindlessly maybe while sitting in front of the television and eating a whole bag of potato chips or a whole package of cookies. Or maybe we just can’t stand the thought of putting something in our mouths or of entering the kitchen where we used to enjoy preparing meals for our loved one. Whatever our eating challenge may be, now is a good time to pay attention to it.

What is your relationship with food right now? Could it be better? Food is the fuel that serves us to strengthen and heal our bodies, the energy that allows us to survive and take care of ourselves. Eating well is a huge step in recognizing the importance of taking care of our bodies and in turn our souls.

Try an experiment. What food do you keep in your kitchen? Is it healthy food? Is it highly processed? What kinds of foods do you like to eat? Considering all that, make a list of the food you would really like to eat for the next few days. Choose things that are fresh and not processed. If you don’t already have these foods in your kitchen or garden, go shopping. Buy produce that is labeled as local, or better yet, go to a farmer’s market. At this point, only focus on the new few days. Overbuying can be overwhelming both to your budget and your energy.

Plan when you are going to eat the food you have chosen. Waiting till your really hungry causes you to pick up something that is easy and eat to much of it. So plan the times you want to eat that will fit best with your schedule. And  if your challenge has been not eating, be sure to eat something at those times you have planned. In either case, eat a reasonable amount. Take time while you are eating to savor your food. And after you have eaten, clean up right away. Dirty dishes in the sink are unappetizing and lead to making poor eating choices to just eat something easy and processed or not eat at all. Plus cleaning up right away is much easier and keeps your home in order which is helpful in the transition process. 

Eating consciously is a big step in the grief transformation process. Try it and see what happens. Let me know how it works out for you. I am here to help in your grief transformation process.

Holidays and Grief

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Holidays present a special challenge to those grieving. Especially hard are the first ones that come by for the first time after a loved one departs. I realized that I was just ignoring the season when my first Christmas came. I had made the effort to create a Christmas card with a drawing I had done on the front, and I expressed inside the gratitude I had for all those who had supported me this year. Writing the card itself was challenging because I wanted to say just the right thing.

I know lots of people have stopped sending out cards, but for me it was a way to reach out to all those I care about.  I made a long list and sent lots of cards. In the love and work I put into the cards, I was hoping people would notice that I was reaching out for support. But they didn’t.  I got very few cards this year.  I assume that everyone is busy and they feel Christmas cards are a nuisance, but they weren’t to me. I did write a reply to every card I received, and I learned that just because something is important to me doesn’t me that anyone else will call.  I do not believe that anyone was trying to be hurtful.

So, on Christmas Day I was sitting alone, remembering the huge family gatherings that we had when I was growing up.  My mom had three living sisters and a brother and they would take turns as to who would host Christmas. There was not much money between us all, but we still had wonderful celebrations with lots of food, games, and love. I looked at my Facebook and noticed that members of grief groups were posting heavily that day, and most of them had the same feeling, that they were not invited. When I thought about that, I remember the first Christmas after Jacques, who I was with for 23 years, had died. Though his family dropped by for a short visit, I was basically by myself, and in tears, and thinking who would want to be around this crybaby dragging their Christmas down. As I thought that this year, I could hear my Ron, who I was with for 10 years, say to me, “Now how does thinking that serve you.” That woke me up. What could I do to improve the situation?

The first thing I did was to make a list of everyone who I could think of who may be alone that day or may have had a recent loss or tragedy in their family. The I wrote an individual note to each of them to send by email, by messenger, or by regular mail. I expressed my love and support and suggested we get together for the next holiday if possible at least by phone or mail since I live so far away from everyone else in the world!  Then I went farther and wrote a note to each one I noticed in the grief groups online who felt alone that day. I told them they had a virtual friend and that frequently people don’t have any idea what to say to people who are grieving so that if there is someone they needed to hear from, they could try to reach out first.

I didn’t hear back from many people, and that was OK.  At least I reminded them that I am alive, and that I would love to stay involved with my family and friends. The next holiday will be better, and I know I’ll find more people to reach out to then.