The Grief and Happiness Alliance

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Just For You!

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Think about those days you have had where everything just feels off.  Maybe you didn’t sleep well the night before. Maybe it is a day when you are missing your loved one deeply. Maybe you don’t feel good with a headache and sluggishness. Maybe you have no energy. All these feelings are common while grieving.

Sometimes many things like this collide all at once and you feel like you have been hit by an avalanche. When that happens, pay attention. This is probably caused by not having paid attention to each symptom as they hit you. What do you do when this happens? First, slow down and take a few deep breaths. Then try one or some of these suggestions.

  1. Take a nap if you can. If you haven’t been sleeping well, getting some good sleep can act as a reset and give you a fresh start.
  2. Write in your journal. Explore how you got to this point. Was there something specific that triggered some of these feelings, like a birthday or holiday? Did you avoid an activity you loved to do together? Did you hear a special song on the radio? When things like this happen, write about them to discover what triggers you.
  3. Make a plan. Maybe you used to go out for Thai food often, and now when you even think of Thai food you get nauseated. If this happens, try finding a new place to eat, maybe a place that serves local farm to table food. If you hesitate to go alone, invite a friend or bring a book to read.
  4. Choose something active to do like tending your garden or going for a walk someplace you haven’t taken walks before. Schedule a regular time to go to your gym or to take a yoga class or a Chi Gong class.
  5. Be creative. Try new recipes for a healthy diet.
  6. Seek out new  friends to gather with. You could join a book club. You could take a dance class. Or you could participate in an online group studying your favorite subject.
  7. Get involved. Help with a voter registration drive. Work with a group that is raising money for your favorite cause. Join a group to pick up litter on the beach or at the side of the highway.
  8. Pamper yourself. Get a massage or a facial or a pedicure. Or go shopping for a new outfit.

You may be reaching a crossroad. If you take the downhill road, you may feel progressively worse. If you take the other direction, you can gradually move forward stepping into new life experiences. The most important thing you can do when you reach this point is to do something. You get to choose. Inaction keeps you stuck. Choosing action in whichever way you would like is your impetus to for your new best life.

 

One step at a time.

The Grief and Happiness Alliance

Loving and Living Your Way Through Grief

My email is emily@griefandhappiness.com

Let me know if you’d like to receive my newsletters which have lots of good things!

You can listen to my podcast here.

You can join the Grief and Happiness Alliance Gatherings which meet weekly on Sundays by clicking here

You can order the International Best Selling The Grief and Happiness Handbook by clicking here.

You can order The Grief and Happiness Cards by clicking here.

You can order Loving and Living Your Way Through Grief by clicking here.

Deal With It!

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I used to feel like I had things hanging over my head.  I knew I would feel better when the tasks were complete, and the longer I put them off, the heavier they would get.

Recently I was working on organizing my storage room. I was motivated to get it done so that I would easily be able to know all that was there as well as what wasn’t there that I thought I was storing.  As I thought about how wonderful it would feel for those tasks to be complete, something was always holding me back.

Finally, I defined one task at a time to tackle and got started. I cleaned out and organized a drawer. In that drawer, I found a stack of old pictures I thought I had lost.  In it there were several pictures of when my children were young. My daughter had asked me a few years ago about a picture I took of her when she was a baby.  She was laying on her tummy on a foot stool and it looked like she was happily trying to fly.

I was thrilled to find that picture that I was sure had disappeared forever. Other cherished photos were also in that pile.  I took a picture of that photo and texted it to my daughter. She was thrilled to see it! I ended up texting one picture at a time so we could talk about them, and we were able to share the whole stack while having a wonderful conversation.

Organizing that one drawer made it easier to clean out the next one.  I am still working on the whole room, but I am not overwhelmed now and am happily making new discoveries along the way.

Especially while grieving, we can talk ourselves out of starting tasks that will ultimately allow us to move forward in the process of our grief.  What task have you been putting off? You may have piles or paperwork, thank you notes that need to be written, or other chores that have been weighing on you.  My suggestion is that you make a date for yourself with whatever task you have been putting off.  Then show up at the designated time and start right in, working through the job at a pace that feels right for you.   I know you’ll be so glad you did!

 

 

The Grief and Happiness Alliance

Loving and Living Your Way Through Grief

My email is emily@griefandhappiness.com

Let me know if you’d like to receive my newsletters which have lots of good things!

You can listen to my podcast here.

You can join the Grief and Happiness Alliance Gatherings which meet weekly on Sundays by clicking here

You can order the International Best Selling The Grief and Happiness Handbook by clicking here.

You can order The Grief and Happiness Cards by clicking here.

You can order Loving and Living Your Way Through Grief by clicking here.

Cultivation

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Where I live in upcountry Maui now, I have the biggest garden I have ever had, and it takes lots of attention. Even with two people who help me, the tasks seem never ending. I am not complaining, however, because the rewards are worth all the time it takes.

I grow tropical flowers, fruit trees, lots of bananas, herbs and vegetables, and flowers. When we first moved here, one large section of our yard was covered with what looked like yellow golf balls. I discovered that those balls turned out to be one of my new favorite fruits, lilikoi, otherwise known as passion fruit. I found lots of ways to use lilikoi, but there were so many of them! I also had huge racks of bananas and many papayas.

Not wanting the food to go to waste, I put an invitation on the Nextdoor computer app for people to come to my house to take what they could use, and people came! With the new friends we made, we decided to meet and share the abundance of our gardens every Friday. That was 9 years ago. We still meet every Friday.

Through those years we have become special friends. We have celebrated weddings and birthdays and holidays. We have supported each other through medical challenges and funerals. We consider each other Ohana, the Hawaiian word for family. I cherish these experiences and friendships.

This wonderful Ohana has thrived through our mutual support. Just as we cultivate our gardens by replenishing the soil, planting seeds and plants starts, pulling weeds, pruning, watering, and harvesting, we cultivate our friendships by staying in touch, sharing what we grow, sharing advice and skills, and we tend to both our gardens and friendships with love.

I share about the Ohana we created because loneliness can be one of the biggest challenges we face while grieving. When you find yourself lonely, be creative and think of how you can create your own Ohana. If you’d like to know your neighbors better, try inviting them to your home for a cookie exchange or dessert potluck. If you have friends you’d like to see more, invite them over for a game night. Or invite someone to go on a walk with you.

 

The key to developing relationships is to tend to them. Friendships thrive with cultivation. Think of something you would love to do with your friends, then do whatever you dream up. And keep doing it. That’s cultivation. There is no need for loneliness in your life.

 

The Grief and Happiness Alliance

Loving and Living Your Way Through Grief

My email is emily@griefandhappiness.com

You can listen to my podcast here.

You can join the Grief and Happiness Alliance Gatherings which meet weekly on Sundays by clicking here

You can order the International Best Selling The Grief and Happiness Handbook by clicking here.

You can order The Grief and Happiness Cards by clicking here.

You can order Loving and Living Your Way Through Grief by clicking here.

Moving Forward

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Often, I hear that people think we must get over grief. I disagree. I see grief as something that starts with the realization of the major changes that come with the transitions you experience. Though there is a time that you realize you are grieving, chances are there won’t be a time that you say, “I’m done now. My grieving is done.”

I grieve for so many people and things like my high school classmates who died in accidents. I grieve the passing of my friends from a myriad of ailments. I grieve the loss of innocence I experienced. I grieve the loss of pregnancies. I grieve the loss of patients I cared for. I grieve the loss of most of my relatives. And most of all, I grieve the loss of my husbands.

I could go on and on about all the loss I have experienced, but I chose instead to focus on all the love, respect, lessons, and good memories I experienced as a result of each of these losses. My heart expands while carrying these people and experiences, and though my physical heart may be about the size of my fist, my loving, spiritual heart is as large as my imagination and continues to expand. I carry the imprint of all these losses on my ever-growing heart.

How wonderful it is that my heart always has room for anyone I care about. I focus on the love in my life, and this brings constant, beautiful positivity to me. As I continue to move forward in my grief, my happiness expands beyond measure. Yours can to when you focus on your love.

 

The Grief and Happiness Alliance

Loving and Living Your Way Through Grief

My email is emily@griefandhappiness.com

Let me know if you’d like to receive my newsletters which have lots of good things!

You can listen to my podcast here.

You can join the Grief and Happiness Alliance Gatherings which meet weekly on Sundays by clicking here

You can order the International Best Selling The Grief and Happiness Handbook by clicking here.

You can order The Grief and Happiness Cards by clicking here.

You can order Loving and Living Your Way Through Grief by clicking here.

Are You Happy?

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When I talk to people who are grieving, I often see they aren’t smiling.  Actually, most people who I talk to are not smiling at first. Thinking about this led me to wonder how much better we all could feel if we just remember to smile.

Think about all the things you could smile about right now. They can be simple things like the purr of your cat, the laughter of a baby, a hug from a friend, a piece of homemade apple pie, or the flowers in your garden or that you see on your walks.

Think about how your body feels when you smile. You are likely to relax. You might take a deep breath and stretch; you might feel lighter; or a sad thought may turn into a loving memory and you may feel the corners of your mouth turn up at that.

On those days when you feel like you just don’t have anything to be happy about, pay attention to that. It’s a good time to practice some self-care.  Do things for yourself that are relaxing and have put a smile on your face before. You can do something like put a funny show on TV, or play some of your favorite music, or call a friend you love to be talking with. Sometimes simply taking a nap is a way of resetting and finding that smile.

I remember trying to make my mom smile. She usually wasn’t smiling after dad died. When I noticed that, I’d smile a big smile for her, and if she didn’t respond, I’d just smile so much more, and pretty soon we both would be giggling.

Being happy isn’t hard. The key is to notice when you aren’t feeling happy and do something about that. Smile!

 

The Grief and Happiness Alliance

Loving and Living Your Way Through Grief

My email is emily@griefandhappiness.com

Let me know if you’d like to receive my newsletters which have lots of good things!

You can listen to my podcast here.

You can join the Grief and Happiness Alliance Gatherings which meet weekly on Sundays by clicking here

You can order the International Best Selling The Grief and Happiness Handbook by clicking here.

You can order The Grief and Happiness Cards by clicking here.

You can order Loving and Living Your Way Through Grief by clicking here.

Fear

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Are you afraid? Most of us have some kind of fear. When you identify what’s causing you to fear something, you can choose to do something about it or let it go.

Does this sound familiar? “I’d love to spend more time with ___, but she’s so busy. I don’t want to bother her.” The way this demonstrates fear is your concern that she might say no and you fear being rejected.  You may not realize this is what is happening. If you want to spend more time with her, send her a text, or call her on the phone.

Making up stories that may not be true is easy to do, and you probably don’t recognize that you do that out of fear. While grieving, we may hold on to thoughts or old patterns of behavior out of fear.  Maybe you always went to breakfast on Saturdays with your loved one, and you miss that.  Try finding a new place to go for breakfast and invite a friend to go along. In the new place, people will be less likely to ask you about your loss.

Sometimes the fear is that you will fall apart when you are experiencing the powerful emotions that can come with grief. Know that you won’t fall apart, whatever that may mean.  And if you do find yourself crying, go ahead and cry to release whatever that was that caused you pain. A good cry clears the air like rain does. Release all those feelings that come up while you are crying.

Sometimes we fear something we can’t even define. If you start feeling something you are unfamiliar with that frightens you, try writing about it asking yourself, “Why is this issue bothering me?” Hopefully you’ll discover that what you were feeling frightened of isn’t even real. Or maybe you’ll discover there is something you can do about the issue. When you know why that fear has come up for you, you can let it go so that it will no longer have any power over you.

When you find yourself noticing when fear slips into your life, be prepared and diffuse its power. In the words of Carol Staudacher, “With grief, the way back is the way through.”

While grieving, each day is better than the day before. As you move through your grieving process, notice each time you find yourself smiling or taking a deep breath and know these actions are supporting you in moving forward,

I know you can do this.

 

The Grief and Happiness Alliance

Loving and Living Your Way Through Grief

My email is emily@griefandhappiness.com

Let me know if you’d like to receive my newsletters which have lots of good things!

You can listen to my podcast here.

You can join the Grief and Happiness Alliance Gatherings which meet weekly on Sundays by clicking here

You can order the International Best Selling The Grief and Happiness Handbook by clicking here.

You can order The Grief and Happiness Cards by clicking here.

You can order Loving and Living Your Way Through Grief by clicking here.