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Being Alive

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I vividly remember the moments when Ron, Jacques, my mother, my mother-in-law, and my aunt took their last breaths. Ron, mom, Fran, and Aunt Ila all slipped peacefully from this physical presence. Jacques had a look of panic. I felt like he wasn’t ready, like he didn’t really believe his time had come.

I am recalling this today after seeing a picture of someone and noticing his drastic change of expression after experiencing a traumatic and possibly fatal occurrence. Usually he looks angry or smug, but his look today was different, almost serene. I have never seen that look from him before. I wonder what people think when they look at me?

In reflecting on all these experiences, I thought about my general expression and what I would like it to project. I frequently say that I am happier than I ever have been, so from now on, I choose to smile so all who look at me can feel the warmth of that expression and reflect that happiness. Unlike the people I mentioned earlier, I now know my plan is to peacefully pass with that smile on my face when my time comes, and I plan to live every moment I have left to the fullest in the meantime.

Next week is my 75th birthday. I didn’t think I would live that long. Dad didn’t. Ron didn’t. I feel like I am on bonus time now, so I plan to make the very most of it. And I don’t feel old at all. I’m not even sure what being old feels like.

Although I have made it my objective to live in the moment, I have been somewhat lax in implementing that.  My new intention is to pay attention, to experience each moment, to revel in the time I have been gifted.  For instance, I love to paint and have a project in mind I have been looking forward to for weeks, but each day I have found myself doing something else. Today is the day I am painting!  I am also completing my new book proposal. And I am taking time to read and relax intentionally.

Being alive, to me, is living in the moment, following inspiration, taking excellent care of myself, providing comfort and compassion to others, taking deep breaths, enjoying all the beauty in the world, and focusing on what is good and right.

In the moments I have left, my intention is to pay attention to being alive! How about you? What does being alive feel like for you?

 

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Unanswered Questions

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Sometimes my husband would tell me stories of his past that were quite fascinating. I always wanted to know more when he reminisced, but he would stop himself from getting immersed in his past. I wish I would have written all the stories he told. His life and accomplishments amazed me.

My husband was estranged from his son from the time he was in college. He didn’t want to talk much about that. They got back together a few years after his dad and I got together. By that time, his son had a great career and was happily married. His dad was thrilled that we got to see them occasionally. His son came to visit us on Maui with his wife and young son. Ron said they had so much to talk about.

After Ron died, his son asked me about what I knew about his dad so he could share this information with his son when he grew up. For most of those questions, I had no idea what the answer was. I chose to write all I could remember about all those wonderful stories he told me so I could share that with them. I was disappointed when I could only remember a few pages.

All the lost stories are permanently gone. As I thought about all the stories I would love to hear about my parents, I realized they are lost too. My sister knew some of them because she was 9 years older and remembered everything, but those stories also disappeared with her passing.

I have started a new journal to write the memories I know I’d like to share. I’ll be sure to let my children know where it is so they can read it if they want to.  I will also ask them if there are things they would like to know from me so that I can tell them now. I have so many relatives and friends who had stories I would have loved to hear, but those stories died when they did.

Now is the time to ask the questions you are curious about. Ask those questions now.

I have started a new journal to write the memories I know I’d like to share. I’ll be sure to let my children know where it is so they can read it if they want to.  I will also ask them if there are things they would like to know from me so that I can tell them now. I have so many relatives and friends who had stories I would have loved to hear, but those stories died when they did.

Now is the time to ask the questions you are curious about. Ask those questions now.

 

 

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The Grief and Happiness Alliance

Loving and Living Your Way Through Grief

You can listen to my podcast, Grief and Happiness, by clicking here

You can join the Grief and Happiness Alliance which meets weekly on Sundays by clicking here

You can order the International Best Selling The Grief and Happiness Handbook by clicking here.

You can order The Grief and Happiness Cards by clicking here.

You can order Loving and Living Your Way Through Grief by clicking here.

Say What You Need to Say

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I awoke this morning with the song “Say” by John Mayer running through my head.  The song played through the movie The Bucket List which was released in 2007 and led to a phenomenon of people making a list of what they want to do before they die, then doing whatever they needed to do to complete that list.

I googled the song so I could listen to all the words which inspired me to think about my own Bucket List. Most of the things I thought of I have already accomplished, like finding the man of my dreams and marrying him. I did that. Twice. I traveled to five of the seven continents. I guess I could put Australia on the list, and I don’t plan to go to Antarctica.

I live in a tropical paradise. I earned the education I desired and continue learning all the time. I have written 6 books. I host a popular podcast. I have wonderful family and close friends, including my Hawaiian Ohana.

So, what’s left?

I find joy every day in the service of people dealing with grief and loss.  I do that in lots of ways from writing, to talking, to teaching, and whatever way seems appropriate in the moment. All this has led me to think about writing a lifetime gratitude list where I consider all the wonder of my life.

This also leads me to think of what I didn’t say. With both my husbands, we said things to each other all the time so that when they transitioned, I didn’t feel like I missed something. On the other hand, I know I didn’t say what I would have liked to say to my parents, my sister, or to people who were very special to me, but their deaths were not anticipated at the time. Having these experiences has led me to communicate so much more effectively.  Especially, I say “I love you” lots!

What do you need to say or do? Instead of a bucket list, how about a Love and Gratitude list. Tell everyone you love that you love them! And let them know why you do–

 

The Grief and Happiness Alliance

Loving and Living Your Way Through Grief

You can listen to my podcast, Grief and Happiness, by clicking here

You can join the Grief and Happiness Alliance which meets weekly on Sundays by clicking here

You can order the International Best Selling The Grief and Happiness Handbook by clicking here.

You can order The Grief and Happiness Cards by clicking here.

You can order Loving and Living Your Way Through Grief by clicking here.

Ruminating

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This week I needed to keep my foot up. There were so many things I wanted to do that weren’t possible without being able to get around. So instead of all the things on my to do list, I spent time reflecting on things I have done and memories I have.  I have lots of things to remember!  As I reflected, I realized something about me. Most of my life, I kept having the same thought. I always knew I could do better, yet now as I look back, I know I was doing the best I could for where I was in my life at any time.

I am choosing now to be aware that I still am doing the best that I can in all I do, and that feels really good. Now instead of saying things like “I wish I had spent more time on that project,” or “I know I should be eating better,” I know now that when I commit to do something that I have an agreement with myself to do what needs to be done. And now I am consciously choosing every item I choose to eat, and that is making a difference just by being aware of what I choose. Instead of putting things off and worrying about something I think I should be doing, when I choose to do something, I just do it, and that feels so much better!

I encourage you to ruminate a bit. What can you do to live in full integrity with yourself? Writing in my journal to explore this thought helped me to discover my answers to that question. How about you? How can you make a difference for yourself and find more happiness in the process?

I’d love to hear what you come up with!

 

Emily Thiroux Threatt emily@griefandhappiiness.com

The Grief and Happiness Alliance

Loving and Living Your Way Through Grief

You can listen to my podcast, Grief and Happiness, by clicking here

You can join the Grief and Happiness Alliance which meets weekly on Sundays by clicking here

You can order the International Best Selling The Grief and Happiness Handbook by clicking here.

You can order The Grief and Happiness Cards by clicking here.

You can order Loving and Living Your Way Through Grief by clicking here. https://a.co/d/eWNx3j1

You can sign up for our newsletter here

Let’s Connect

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Sitting alone in the evening was such a tough time for me in early grief. I longed for someone to talk to about my day or what my dreams were. I turned to my journal at times like this where I could pour my heart out and figure out what I wanted, where I was going. Does this sound like experiences you have had?

When dealing with loss, I found that people who I considered friends tended to stay away from spending time with me. I was surprised at that.This was the time I longed for their presence, but they weren’t there.  I justified the absence by telling myself that they must be busy. When I had an opportunity to talk to a friend, I told her I missed her and would love to spend time with her. I was surprised when she told me that she was sorry. She wanted to spend time with me, but she didn’t know what to say. She didn’t want to make me feel worse by saying the wrong thing. Wow. What a shock.

I was looking at my loneliness was something that someone else had to fix, but while sitting by myself I knew that I had to take the first step. I remembered that some of my friends ha asked me in the past had asked me how to cook vegan food that tasted good  since they knew I was a certified vegan chef.  With this inspiration, I asked some friends to come to my house to learn how to fix a tasty vegan meal. My friends were happy to join me knowing they had something positive to do together.

Reaching out to who I wanted to be with worked for me. I invited people to go to concerts, to classes, to a film festival, and to my house to make Christmas ornaments together.  Relieving them of their perceived obligation to deal with my grief opened the way for us to be comfortable spending time together. As they saw how I could speak comfortably about my husband who had transitioned allowed them the comfort to join in the conversation when they wanted to.

I found much comfort in writing about what I was dealing this a decided to reach out to people who were seeking ways to deal with their grief. At that time, I didn’t know that many people on Maui who were driving, so I put a message on MeetUp and invited people to come to my house to write about grief together and then talk about it. Suddenly I had a new group of friends who met regularly who were grateful to have found a caring group of friends to share experiences with.

Now I offer you the opportunity to write about things dealing with grief, then share what you wrote about with a whole new groups of friends who get you, like I do. We gather on Zoom once a week and our Grief and Happiness Alliance Nonprofit Organization covers the expenses so you don’t have to pay a thing. People who come to the gatherings have told meow much they appreciate what we do together and the new friends they make.  I have made many new friends from around the world by participating in in this group.

I invite you to connect with me and with your new friends who all are dealing with grief and loss. Much comfort comes from this practice of self-care. And I get to meet you and know you, and share with you, and I love that opportunity. Pease join us! You can make a reservation each week by clicked on this link.

I look forward to connecting with you!

 

 

The Grief and Happiness Alliance

 

Loving and Living Your Way Through Grief

You can listen to my podcast, Grief and Happiness, by clicking here

You can join the Grief and Happiness Alliance which meets weekly on Sundays by clicking here

You can order the International Best Selling The Grief and Happiness Handbook by clicking here.

You can order The Grief and Happiness Cards by clicking here.

You can order Loving and Living Your Way Through Grief by clicking here. https://a.co/d/eWNx3j1

You can sign up for our newsletter here

The Grief and Happiness Alliance

Loving and Living Your Way Through Grief

You can listen to my podcast, Grief and Happiness, by clicking here

You can join the Grief and Happiness Alliance which meets weekly on Sundays by clicking here

You can order the International Best Selling The Grief and Happiness Handbook by clicking here.

You can order The Grief and Happiness Cards by clicking here.

You can order Loving and Living Your Way Through Grief by clicking here.

Sunrise, Sunset

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Even if you haven’t seen the play or movie of Fidler on The Roof, you probably have heard the main song, Sunrise, Sunset. Read these lyrics and see if a memory of this song comes to you:

Sunrise, sunset

Sunrise, sunset

Swiftly flow the days

Seedlings turn overnight to sunflowers

Blossoming even as we gaze

Sunrise, sunset

Sunrise, sunset

Swiftly fly the years

One season following another

Laden with happiness and tears

Lyrics by

Sheldon Harick

As I was gazing at yet another gorgeous sunset here on Maui, those lyrics floated by in my mind. I see the sunrises out of my bedroom each morning and see the sunsets from my lanai. I love to take pictures of these beautiful times of days, and no two pictures are ever alike.

This day was different from any other day I have experienced, and tomorrow will be different too. I can choose to let each day float by or choose to identify the love and beauty of the day, or to wallow in the sadness of a day.

Four of the most significant days in my life came at the sunsets of my loved ones.

When my father died, he had just given a big speech to his whole community honoring the veterans there, then the next day, he was just gone from a heart attack. I was in shock, but I was able to witness the community celebrating him all week because it was the week of Veterans Day. Though I was sad, I chose to be grateful for such a wonderful father loved by so many.

When my mother died, she had been deteriorating for a long time. Her physical self was unrecognizable. The last time I entered her room, I sat next to her bed and held her arm where I could feel her pulse as I told her all I wished I could have earlier in her life, especially that I loved her. Then I told her she didn’t have to wait, that Daddy and her mother were waiting for her, and it was OK for her to go.  I felt her pulse slow and stop. When I went into the other room to tell her sister, I felt the love I had never expressed to her overwhelm me, and I was grateful to have served her and taken care of her for the last years of her life.

When my husband Jacques died, he had been suffering from a myriad of health challenges for so long, but he always thought he would get better. I saw when he realized that wasn’t going to happen. He was getting into the car to go to yet another dialysis treatment. He looked in my eyes and said “Oh. S**t.” Then he collapsed into the car and slid down between the seat and the dashboard. I was unable to move him. I was in shock.

When Ron died, he was surrounded by his family and friends, all celebrating him through the week of his death.  He was so loved and supported during this time. He just appeared to fall asleep, then he was gone. Initially with his departure, I cried painfully, but after that, I was grateful that he wouldn’t have to experience all the pain he had been through anymore and I found peace in that.

While these are all sunsets, I have lots of sunrises too like when my children and grandchildren and now great grandchildren were born. With each graduation, each wedding, each wonderful experience they are all having, it brings me joy too.

I love and am grateful for it all. And the more experiences I have with all of my loved ones, the more grateful I am for this amazingly beautiful life I get to live. I think about the beauty and joy of each sunrise and sunset, and I encourage you to take the time to look up  at these gorgeous reminders of our precious lives and reflect on your sunrises and sunsets too.

 

The Grief and Happiness Alliance

Loving and Living Your Way Through Grief

My email is emily@griefandhappiness.com

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You can order the International Best Selling The Grief and Happiness Handbook by clicking here.

You can order The Grief and Happiness Cards by clicking here.

You can order Loving and Living Your Way Through Grief by clicking here.