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Say What You Need to Say

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My mom called me when my dad died suddenly. I was shocked and immediately woke my husband ,and we drove the fifty miles in the middle of the night wondering what to do or say when we arrived. Dad had been rushed to the hospital a couple of hours before. The doctor assured my mom that he was doing fine and told her to go home and get some rest. She was alone when she got the call.

At the time, I didn’t think about how mom was feeling. I was immersed in the sorrow of the absence of my dad. Mom was essentially alone after I arrived too. As I reflect on that traumatic time, I think about all I could have done to support her. I helped with arrangements, and sending thank you notes for all the flowers, and doing whatever needed to be done. I realize now that what needed to be done was to just sit with mom and tell her I loved her. I’m not sure I ever did speak those words to her.

I have had lots of family members and friends die, and now I realize how with each death, I wanted comfort and an expression of love, but I hadn’t thought about others wanting that too.

When I found myself alone after my last husband died, I did much soul searching and meditating. This led me to my life’s purpose now of providing comfort, support, love, and happiness to those dealing with loss. A big part of this is saying what I need to say so now I do.

Yesterday as I was ending a phone call with a friend, we both said “I love you.” And when a neighbor left at the end of the visit, she said “I love you” on her way out, and I echoed her expression. Giving and receiving unconditional love supports my happiness like nothing else. My intention now is to always express what I need to say. No holding back. And this feels so good.

 

 

The Grief and Happiness Alliance

Loving and Living Your Way Through Grief

You can listen to my podcast, Grief and Happiness, by clicking here

You can join the Grief and Happiness Alliance Gatherings which meet weekly on Sundays by clicking here

You can order the International Best Selling The Grief and Happiness Handbook by clicking here.

You can order The Grief and Happiness Cards by clicking here.

You can order Loving and Living Your Way Through Grief by clicking here. https://a.co/d/eWNx3j1

 

Who Are You

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When grieving, we often struggle with our sense of self. You may feel that one or more descriptive words you have identified with no longer seems accurate. After my husband died, I still felt like a wife since I had been one for so long. After my miscarriage, I lost the description of expectant mother.  After my parents died, a friend pointed out that I was an orphan. I definitely didn’t want that descriptor. When I retired, I still felt like a teacher. When I moved to Hawaii, I was no longer a Californian. When I finished my last nursing job, I still felt like a nurse, actually, I still do.

While all these descriptors don’t accurately indicate who I am now, they all are a part of what made me who I am today. Now, I could describe myself as a widow two times over, but to me, that description has a negative connotation. I could also define myself as single, but that doesn’t resonate with me either. I am so much more than a previous marital status.  So instead of expressing all the things I am not, I decided to list all the things I am.

I Am Alive. I have seen many people fade or just give up when they reach a certain age, and I have seen that for them, their quality of life, their energy, their will to live dims and often leads to an early death. I choose to fully experience my aliveness by getting up early, journaling, eating well, going for walks, enjoying art and music, and most of all delighting in my relationships.

I Am Creative. My creativity brings me so much happiness. I love to create new things like the Grief and Happiness Alliance, The Grief and Happiness Podcast, the six books I have published, the cards I created, the blankets I crochet, the food I lovingly prepare, the paintings and drawings I do, the online classes I created, the theatre, art gallery, schools of arts, and a café. I created, the nonprofit organizations I started. And I could go on.

I Am Unconditional Love. By giving up putting constraints on my relationships, they were able to blossom into more beautiful interconnections than I had experienced before. I now concentrate on giving and receiving unconditional love. I relish the love I have shared throughout my life in all the relationships I have been in.

I Am Healthy. Much of my life I have been dealing with ailments and injuries. When I stop focusing on those things and instead consider how I feel in each moment, generally, I feel great. Though I may have a cold or a broken toe, those things don’t control the joy in my heart or the strength of my love and happiness.

I Am Beautiful. Looking in the mirror, I focus on my smile and know that is the biggest contributor to my beauty and I am happy to share that.

Writing this description of me feels so good. What a wonderful life I lead.  Take a moment consider who you are and who you are striving to be. Make you own list of your best qualities and you will be amazed. You are unique and special in all the ways you choose to be. Focusing on who you are brightens your life experience. Enjoy!

 

The Grief and Happiness Alliance

Loving and Living Your Way Through Grief

You can listen to my podcast, Grief and Happiness, by clicking here

You can join the Grief and Happiness Alliance which meets weekly on Sundays by clicking here

You can order the International Best Selling The Grief and Happiness Handbook by clicking here.

You can order The Grief and Happiness Cards by clicking here.

You can order Loving and Living Your Way Through Grief by clicking here. https://a.co/d/eWNx3j1

What’s Going On?

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Last night a tornado warning came across our phones and tv telling us to find shelter. I was shocked. I hadn’t heard of tornados on Hawaii before, so I researched it and discovered that Hawaii ranks 48 out of 50 states in possibility of tornados. That’s pretty low odds, so I thought I was probably safe, but it sure made me think.

All over the world we are experiencing unprecedented happenings from the volcano eruption in Iceland, to the tornado swarm in the southeast area of the United States, to the wildfires on Maui, to the huge fires in many areas of the world, to the rising temperatures worldwide, to devastating wars, to protests and picket lines, and to political division.

That’s a lot.

I woke up this morning with Marvin Gay’s song “What’s Going On” running through my head.  Melody Russel wrote in American Songwriter “The song carries a profound meaning, delving into Gaye’s fervent social and environmental apprehensions…. It was a reflection, a mirror held up to a society in turmoil.… The masterwork captures the spirit of the early 1970s, highlighting a period marked by activism, civil unrest, and a passionate call for change.”

Over 50 years later, I still don’t see the answer to Marvin Gay’s question, “What’s going on.” I keep thinking that maybe we just are hearing lots more about what’s happening with the easy access to the internet we have now. While we can’t prevent most of the natural disasters, we can work together to care for each other and our world.

While we most often deal with the grief that comes from personal loss, we all are dealing with some form of a more universal loss. Just as we need to take care of ourselves as we deal with our personal loss, it’s critical that we recognize the collective grief of our friends, our community, our country, and our world. Consider how we can hold each other up and move forward with support and loving kindness.

We have learned that If we don’t learn from history, we are doomed to repeat it. There is so much we can do to that is positive and supporting. I encourage you to think about the loss that is going on around you and choose some ways that you can make a difference, then do something. You could commit to voting, recycling, driving less, using water wisely, eliminating flammable materials from your property, or participating in community organizations. There is so much to choose from that can make a difference. Just chose something and start making a difference.

Our collective grief is softened by caring what happens to people and the planet. When we believe that our loving can change the world, it will. Let’s do this.

 

 

“What’s Going On” listen here.

 

The Grief and Happiness Alliance website

Loving and Living Your Way Through Grief website

You can listen to my podcast, Grief and Happiness, by clicking here

You can join the Grief and Happiness Alliance which meets weekly on Sundays by clicking here

You can order the International Best Selling The Grief and Happiness Handbook by clicking here.

You can order The Grief and Happiness Cards by clicking here.

You can order Loving and Living Your Way Through Grief by clicking here. https://a.co/d/eWNx3j1

 

The Enduring Meaning Behind Marvin Gaye’s Signature Hit “What’s Going On?”

The Enduring Meaning Behind Marvin Gaye’s Signature Hit “What’s Going On?”

You Get to Decide

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At some point, we all live and we all die. What we do in between is up to us.

When I first found a carry-on suitcase that had wheels, I was thrilled at how easy it was to use. Then I just put more, heavier things in it. Those heavy things made it harder to handle and much more difficult to put in the overhead storage for the flight. My new wheeled suitcase brought more problems than I had before when I carried a much smaller, lighter bag.

Do you carry the baggage of your grief that no longer serves you? This is an easy trap to step in to. You can become exhausted by the emotions and memories you keep piling on. You may carry the weight of witnessing the sorrow and suffering your loved one experienced in the final days. Or you may be carrying a list of things you feel you could have, should have, or

would have done for your loved one, but you didn’t.

Negative memories can be heavy, and the longer you carry them, the heavier they get until you’re exhausted and find it difficult to move forward. You may not even realize you are doing this.

Start unpacking your bag one item at a time. Examine each item and ask yourself it serves you now. You’ll find some items that never served you like the guilt you feel over your failure to prevent your loved one from eating so much that their health was affected. Think about that. Were you responsible for the quantity or type of food your loved one ate? No. You weren’t. So why carry that around? Let it go.

As you remove each item from the bag, consider your story about it. For instance, you may have identified some things you know you need to deal with like removing your loved one’s name from your bank account. Your story could be that when you do that, your loved one’s death will feel final. The truth is, you already know your loved one died, so remove the book that tells that story, and your suitcase becomes lighter.

Think of each story as a book that you won’t need to carry around in your suitcase once you have read it.  The more stories you release, the lighter your carry-on becomes.

The more we carry, the more exhaustion builds up. This exhaustion magnifies and can bring you to a place where it’s just too hard to step forward. Are you there? Or maybe you’re on the way.

Take some time for yourself to unpack the heavy suitcase of your grief you’ve been dragging around. Examine each story, do what you need to so you can finish reading about it, and then close and release the book.

When you deal with your stories one at a time, you can eventually release any of them that no longer serve you making space for more peace, more joy, and more love in your life. Then you can start moving forward.

 

You can listen to my podcast, Grief and Happiness, by clicking here

You can join the Grief and Happiness Alliance which meets weekly on Sundays by clicking here

You can order the International Best Selling The Grief and Happiness Handbook by clicking here.

You can order The Grief and Happiness Cards by clicking here.

You can order Loving and Living Your Way Through Grief by clicking here. https://a.co/d/eWNx3j1

2023

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A friend told me that she couldn’t wait for 2023 to be over because so many terrible things happened. I found myself making a list of those things. There were so many, and they seem to be multiplying towards the end of the year. Then an oft heard saying came to mind, “What you resist persists.” So, I made the decision to make a list of the beautiful things I remember instead. This is part of my list which could have gone on for pages:

  • New babies were born in my family.
  • I am loving learning to do watercolor painting and making new friends in the process.
  • The company I am part owner of is thriving still after 63 years.
  • Relationships I have are deepening and becoming more precious.
  • I am healthy and strong after dealing with a few challenges this year.
  • I have accepted invitations which lead to beautiful experiences.
  • My new book was published and became a best seller.
  • I published my beautiful Grief and Happiness Cards.
  • Maui has become green again after a long period of brown.
  • The Grief and Happiness Alliance Gatherings are growing and bring happiness to those who attend.
  • My podcast has more than 12,000 downloads and attendance is growing.
  • I helped co-create a new facilitator training program for the Grief and Happiness Alliance.
  • Dear friends came to visit me in Maui.
  • My vegetable garden is thriving.
  • I am loving teaching journaling classes.
  • I provided shelter to evacuees from the wildfires on Maui.
  • I learned how to cook Chinese food that I love.
  • I have made new friends.
  • I attended a powerful film festival.
  • I have enjoyed many beautiful sunsets and rainbows.
  • I attended a weeklong seminar in caring for the dying which was deep and beautiful.
  • I discovered how wonderful the chocolate from Maui Ku’ia Estate is.
  • I enjoyed going to hear live music.
  • I notice the positivity and smiles in all my experiences.
  • And much more.

While some of the events from this year were tragic, I saw the beauty of people being generous and serving people experiencing unthinkable loss.

I encourage you to make a list of the joy and beauty you experienced in 2023, and focus on that and discover how you can expand it during 2024.

I started writing this inspired by “What you resist persists,” but I have changed my mantra to “What you embrace thrives.” What will you embrace from your experience of 2023?

I wish for you great beauty, comfort, support, love, and happiness in 2024.

 

You can listen to my podcast, Grief and Happiness, by clicking here

You can join the Grief and Happiness Alliance which meets weekly on Sundays by clicking here

You can order the International Best Selling The Grief and Happiness Handbook by clicking here.

You can order The Grief and Happiness Cards by clicking here.

You can order Loving and Living Your Way Through Grief by clicking here. https://a.co/d/eWNx3j1

Longing

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For those grieving, the holidays may feel especially lonely. We hold sweet memories of festivities past and long for the times of joy and the comfort of our loved one’s presence. The constant ruminating on all we no longer have can lead us to longing, yearning to go back in time.  Yet we know that’s not possible. To deal with this, return to the present, right now. When this longing brings tears, let them flow. This will allow you to start again refreshed

At this point in time, consider what you do have as opposed to what is missing. If you are missing holiday music, create a playlist of your favorite so.ngs. If you are missing your favorite holiday cookies, find the recipes and bake some. If you are missing sitting by a cozy fire, visit someone you know burns a fire in their fireplace. If you are missing your loved one, get out your scrapbook or your photos and refresh your memories of good times past.

If all this feels overwhelming, turn to your journal. Your journal won’t judge you and can provide comfort. I suggest you start a new journal just for holidays then when future holidays are coming, you can review what brought you happiness in the past. I love making lists in my journal, and the items on my lists can lead to journal entries so you’ll always have something to write about. This list can provide inspiration for you:

  1. Make a list of your favorite holiday traditions and write about each one.
  2. Make a list of your favorite holiday food, and not only write about them, prepare them, and enjoy!
  3. Make a list of all your loved ones you are missing right now. Write a letter to each one of them. Mail the letters to those who you can, and for your loved ones in another dimension, write a letter back to you from them.
  4. Make a list of new ways you would like to celebrate the holidays now, and start doing the items on your list.
  5. Make a list of special holiday memories and write describing each one with lots of details.
  6. Make a list of more list items you are inspired by from writing these lists, and write about them.

All this writing will keep you occupied in a positive way so you can enjoy the present, pun intended. When you are ready to do all this writing, get a new holiday journal to use, then use it to also journal through other holidays, birthdays, anniversaries, and celebrations.

Now with all these things, I wish for you to do what brings you joy and celebrate all the positive things you have in your life.

Happy Holidays

 

You can listen to my podcast, Grief and Happiness, by clicking here

You can join the Grief and Happiness Alliance which meets weekly on Sundays by clicking here

You can order the International Best Selling The Grief and Happiness Handbook by clicking here.

You can order The Grief and Happiness Cards by clicking here.

You can order Loving and Living Your Way Through Grief by clicking here. https://a.co/d/eWNx3j1