The Grief and Happiness Alliance

Uncategorized

Bereaved Mother’s Day

by

I wrote an open letter to Moms who have had pregnancy losses, stillborn babies, and infants and young children who died.  I am sharing this letter with you today in case you are in this special sisterhood of moms, or if you know someone who is. Please share this message for any mom you know will be dealing with this loss on this and every Mother’s Day.

When we first start to think about having a baby, we picture the perfect little bundle we love to hold and rock. We prepare by learning everything we can about taking care of ourselves while pregnant and taking care of our precious baby when it arrives. We are not likely to be thinking that our experience will be less than perfect, but so often everything does not turn out the way we expected.

Something we don’t often think about is that the process of becoming a mother requires being brave. From the moment you become pregnant, and even before that if you are trying to get pregnant, you start showing signs of bravery like showing the strength you have to go through the physical process of being pregnant and having a baby, and to deal with all the emotions that come along with that. You have the courage to deal with changes in your body, in your relationships, and your finances. You have the strength to evolve into the mother you always wanted to be.  And you are devastated when things don’t turn out the way you planned. The good news is that when this happens, ultimately you will gain strength from dealing with your loss. I discovered writing about my baby was a great comfort to me when I needed it the most.

So it is the fall of 1969. After two years as an infertility patient, I am finally pregnant. I am so excited to tell my parents who had two granddaughters and were hoping that I would have a son. Mom and I had never talked much, but we do talk about this baby. She teaches me how to crochet, and the first thing I make is a baby blanket. My husband was pleased that we had finally succeeded, and the baby is on the way.

Then, I started bleeding. My doctor put me on bedrest and I strictly obeyed his instructions knowing I would do anything for this precious baby.  I was in bed for a month, except for going to his office once a week to get a shot of something that was supposed to help my situation.  Then one night, I knew that my time with this pregnancy was up and we went to the hospital. I didn’t really understand what was happening when it did, and when I asked, they just said I wasn’t pregnant anymore. I asked to see the baby, and they wouldn’t let me. I asked if it was a boy or a girl, and they told me not to worry about that. I asked them what would happen to the baby now, and they wouldn’t tell me that either. I had lost so much blood that kept me in the hospital for a couple of days to build my strength. All the while, I was having nightmares about where my baby had been taken and why they wouldn’t let me see him. I just knew he was a boy. This was so long ago, and at that time, they thought keeping information from the mother was best for her.  Of course, we know now that it is not.

When I returned home, my husband stayed away, not talking to me about what had happened. I was sure he was disappointed in me because I had lost the baby. I had never heard of anyone having a miscarriage before, so I thought there must be something very wrong with me. I had no one to talk to, so I started writing to Matthew, my name for my baby.  The more I wrote to him, the better I felt. I realized that I hadn’t done anything wrong, and I hadn’t failed. My Matthew became my guardian angel.  I found comfort in my silent conversations with him, and I found my strength again. And eventually, I became pregnant again.  I knew this time that I would have a boy and that somehow Matthew knew him.  Later I had another baby, a girl this time. In the many moves I have had since then, that journal I wrote in disappeared, but I have continued throughout my life having my silent conversations with Matthew.

When we experience something as traumatic as the loss of a pregnancy, a baby, or a child, we often feel helpless with such a variety of feelings to deal with. If we choose to ignore those feelings and try to go on like nothing happened, we are likely to keep feeling worse, yet we may be afraid to deal with what has happened. To move forward in our lives, finding comfort after our loss is essential. Instead of hiding your feelings, try writing about them. You will discover that the more you write, the easier it is to deal with those feelings.

So now let me help you get started writing. No matter how recent your loss, now is the time to get a special journal just for writing about it. Write from the perspective as the mother you are. I am going to give you a list of things to write about to get you started. I have these questions on a handout for you, so for now, just listen to the ideas. Then we will take about 10 minutes to write about that one item.

 

  1. Write about how you felt when you discovered you were going to be a mom. Include all the details, positive and negative. What were your plans, your hopes, and dreams?  What were you doing to get ready? What kind of life were your planning for your child?
  2. Write about the experience of your loss. Include all the details. What happened? How did you handle it? Who was there for you?I know that recalling all this is hard, and it is painful.  Write about it anyway.  What happens is that when you keep all this experience in your mind, you can almost torture yourself with it, like I did when I didn’t know what happened with my baby. When you write out your experience, the process starts for you to be able to deal better with your loss.  You may need to write the experience several times in different ways focusing on different aspects of your loss. The more you write, the less you will have to write. Compare this to washing clothes.  They can start out very dirty, but the more you wash them, the cleaner and brighter they become.
  3. Write about things you would have loved to experience with your baby and follow through with this as time goes by exploring everything about your child.
  4. Write what you will tell other children you have about this baby they didn’t get to meet. Talk to them about the beauty of unconditional love that you share with all your children.
  5. Write on holidays and special days like when school would start. Talk to them about how they would like to dress up for Halloween or what they would love to get in their stockings for Christmas.
  6. Write about what activities they would enjoy growing up from sports to clubs, to art they would like to create.
  7. What would their experience as a teenager be? What college would they like to go to. What career would they like to have?
  8. Write them every birthday and every Mother’s Day. Those days are especially likely to bring up thoughts and feelings.

Matthew was due on Labor Day and would have turned 50 last Fall. I am grateful I have had him with me through our silent conversations throughout my life.

Let me finish by recalling one of my journal entries to him. You can see from this that over time, the thoughts your write of how life would have been with that child can bring your smiles instead of pain.

Dear Matthew,

It’s Labor Day and today would have been your eighth birthday. We are having our friends over to have a bar-b-q.  How you would have loved hamburgers and potato salad. I made a big, luscious chocolate cake with homemade vanilla ice cream, which I know would have been your favorite. I would love to have given you an easel and a whole set of paint since I know you love to create things. Your brother and sister would have loved to celebrate with you. You hold such a special place in my heart. I will always carry you there.

Love,

Momma

 

Now start your own journey with your child. Write all about everything you can think of related to your loss. And keep writing until you know that you don’t need to anymore.

 

I would be happy to put you on the reminder list for or Writing Together Through Grief occurring on Saturdays each week by sending an email to me to emily@lovingandlivingyourwaythroughgrief.com and giving me your email address.

You can order Loving and Living Your Way Through Grief  by clicking here at Amazon.

Taking Care of Yourself

by

I had a good friend who was there for me years ago when I was struggling with my grief.  My parents had died, and I had such a big hole in my life. My Dad died first, suddenly, and I had so much to do with helping mom deal with all that needed to be done, and I had a family to take care of, and two jobs. What that all led to for me was blocking my dealing with my own grief. My mom lived a few more years.  I had so much to do for her. I ended up bringing her to live with me which was challenging because of the effects of the brain tumor she had. For the last few months of her life, she finally consented to have someone stay with her around the clock at her home. She lived an hour away from me, so there were many hours of driving. And after she died, she left so much for me to take care of.

I simply didn’t have time to grieve, so I tucked my grief away where it seemed to grow and fester.  At that time, I had a close friend. He knew my mom, and he had dealt with the death of his mother years before. He was safe. I didn’t have to put on my public front that I had been using for work and my other activities. I didn’t have to be strong like I felt I needed to be for my children and my husband who were all close to mom and relied on me to support them through their grief. He was just there with no demands or expectations of me.

I could tell him anything about what I was experiencing, and I knew he wouldn’t judge me. He just listened to me as I felt sorry for myself or got frustrated with the situation. And he didn’t tell me what I needed to do. I really didn’t want advice. I just wanted to talk.

There were also times when I didn’t want to talk, and he was OK with that. He didn’t make me feel guilty about what I was or wasn’t doing. I know that he couldn’t “make me” feel anything, but having others have expectations of me was a challenge.  I only took one day off from my teaching job when mom died, and one day off for her funeral. Even though I worked full time, I was not entitled to bereavement leave. I was expected to continue working at the same level without anyone even noticing how hard that was, how fragile I felt.

When he noticed that I wasn’t eating, he’d bring me food.  He didn’t ask me if I wanted something to eat, he just brought me familiar foods and he would eat with me knowing that I probably wouldn’t eat if he wasn’t there.  He also noticed when something needed fixing and just fixed it without me asking him to. His kindness allowed me to breathe when I felt under great pressure.

I have been asked about self-care, what that actually means for grieving. In answering that question, I reflected on my friend.  Caring for myself, I followed his example which would be a good start for you doing your own self-care. First, I didn’t put pressure on myself. I didn’t have to live up to anyone else’s expectations.  When I didn’t want to be around people, I chose to stay at home and read, watch a movie, or take a bubble bath. When I did want to go someplace, I would ask a friend to go with me which provided a buffer or escape if something came up that I didn’t want to face at the moment.

If I wanted to talk to someone, I would make a phone call. And if I didn’t want to talk to someone but needed to vent or deal with feelings, I got our my journal and write until I didn’t need to write anymore.

I would remember that I needed to eat, and I would make wise choices about which food would serve me best. I did, however, stop by the bakery that was close to campus for a maple bar and milk when I went in at early hours.  Treating myself occasionally to something special felt good, and I would smile. And I would notice when something needed to be done and take care of it. This felt good, too, knowing that I was capable of taking good care of myself.

I also started working on my smile. I realized that I didn’t have to have someone there to smile at.  I could smile just for me, and when I did smile, I felt better. I would practice smiling in the mirror, or I would find something funny to read or watch on television. Smiling seemed to release something inside of me that allowed me to feel good.

I encourage you to think about someone special who has taken care of you. Or think of a friend who was there right when you needed. Think also about any kindnesses people have done for you. Write these things in your journal, then when you are ready for some self-care, do these things for you. Pamper yourself. Wrap yourself up in your own love. Remember how special you are. And live your best life. This is the greatest self-care.

 

I would be happy to put you on the reminder list for or Writing Together Through Grief occurring on Saturdays each week by sending an email to me to emily@lovingandlivingyourwaythroughgrief.com and giving me your email address.

You can order Loving and Living Your Way Through Grief  by clicking here at Amazon.

Doodling Your Grief

by

I can just hear you say, what does doodling have to do with grief? Think about it, what have you doodled in your life? I remember in junior high school the days seemed interminable. In my class notes, you could find a countdown for the number of minutes left in class, or you’d find my first named followed by the last name of whichever boy I had a crush on in the moment.  I would try out all the different styles of writing of what I dreamed my name would be.  So, again, what does that have to do with grief.

When I did my countdowns or my possible names, that was all I was focusing on.  I escaped into my doodles and away from the drone of the teacher I couldn’t bear to continue listing to.  Doodling when grieving can have the same effect. You can clear your thoughts and focus on the colors and shapes you choose as well as focusing on the movement of your hand.  Even if you think you can’t draw, everyone can doodle. I took a ceramics class from the wonderful ceramic artist Patricia Griffin, and she showed us how we could doodle on clay.  The picture at the top of this page is a ceramic bowl I made and doodled on.  And here is a picture of a cheese board I created in Patricia’s Iclass. You can look up on Google and see the beautiful work she does.

I like to start by drawing shapes on a piece of paper and then dividing up the shapes. Then I fill them in with more shapes and then colors.  The first picture here shows how I first sketch what I am going to doodle around with a pencil. Then I cover the pencil marks with a very fine rolling ball black pen; then I erase the pencil marks. I fill in what I outlined with colored pencils.  Of course, with doodling, you can do it any way you want to! You can also Google Zentangle and see all the images there. There are so many!

The key here is not how you do it. Rather, the key is to do it.  Get lost in your colors and lines. Relax, have fun, and totally forget about anything else as you do it.  Make it a form of meditation for you. Doodling has also been used for helping people deal with cancer and helping children deal with health issues.

I would love for you to find as many different ways as you can to deal with the different aspects of grieving. If you have found other creative ways to deal with grief, please share them with us in the comments below. We are all in this together, and we can all help each other out!

I would be happy to put you on the reminder list for or Writing Together Through Grief occurring on Saturdays each week by sending an email to me to emily@lovingandlivingyourwaythroughgrief.com and giving me your email address.

You can order Loving and Living Your Way Through Grief  by clicking here at Amazon.

 

Will it Ever End?

by

I saw on the news last night about another mass shooting. They showed a picture of each of the ten victims and shared who they were. I found myself teary, which led to actually crying. I didn’t know any of these people and I’ve only been to Colorado once, so I asked myself why this affected me this way?   And I realized that I was dealing with compounding grief.

This shooting brought back memories of way too many more mass shootings. I even knew a victim of once of these incidents.  Fortunately, she didn’t die, but her being hurt reminded me that this could happen to anyone anytime.  They not only happen in in clubs, in theatres, and at concerts, but also at school and even church.  A mass school shooting happened in the 70’s in San Diego at a school close to where we lived.  My children were walking to school with a helicopter flying low over them, and when they got in their classrooms, the doors were locked. Another shooting happened when they were in junior high school and a shooter was shooting into classrooms from a park across the street. Fortunately, in that instance, no one was hurt.

As I considered my reaction last night, I recognized that I don’t fear mass shootings.  There is no way we can know when something like this will happen, and fear wouldn’t change or help anything. What does happen with me is memories of my loved ones who have died.  I am reminded of all I will never experience again with all these people.  No more conversations, no more hugs, no more celebrations. My heart aches for those who loved these current victims thinking about all they will miss now. This I am sure is what brought the tears.

Tragedies like these happen as a part of life. If guns weren’t available, people who want to create this mayhem will find another way. Dwelling on these heart wrenching events does not serve us. Instead, we can use devastating events like this as an inspiration to live our best lives now when we can. Focus on each moment, sharing love and giving support to people we love every chance we get. Recognize all the love and beauty you have in your life right now and do whatever you can to multiply that. Don’t leave things unsaid that can lead to regret later. And include yourself in all that love. You are precious and special and deserve great experiences. Make them happen.

And instead of focusing on the sorrow you hold about the people you have lost, focus on the love you shared. Remember all the good things and know they will always be in your heart. When things happen that appear to be negative, always search for the bright side and actively do something that will make you and the loved ones you are surrounded by now feel all that love you are sending out. And remember to graciously receive that love they are reflecting to you.

 

 

I would be happy to put you on the reminder list for or Writing Together Through Grief occurring on Saturdays each week by sending an email to me to emily@lovingandlivingyourwaythroughgrief.com and giving me your email address.

You can order Loving and Living Your Way Through Grief  by clicking here at Amazon.

Busy-ness

by

Last week I hit a wall. I have been working all day long every day on doing things to market my book, and one day I just couldn’t think of one more thing to do.  I knew that wasn’t true, but I still felt that way.  My intention is for my book to become a best seller so that it can bring comfort, support, love, and joy to all who read it. And we all have been dealing with grief and loss on some level, so I want to get the message of my book out to everyone who can use it.

My publisher has an excellent marketing team, and I know they are doing a lot.  I appreciate that, and I also know I can do more.  Every podcast I am on, each opportunity I have to speak, each time I am interviewed on the radio, I reach more people.  All the social media I do also reaches many people. And all of this keeps me very busy.

As I was thinking about all this, I realized that what is missing is time for me. In focusing all my energy in one direction, wasn’t taking care of myself.  When this hit me, I decided that I would not continue this behavior, and I started thinking about what I do. I made some new commitments just for me.

I will now longer work on weekends. Last weekend was wonderful! I taught my Writing Through Grief online class, which isn’t work for me.  I consider it part of my creative time. The rain stopped for a while, so I sat outside and enjoyed the fresh air. I took a bubble bath. I read a book. I drew a picture of some spring daffodils. I meditated longer. And I fixed dinner. And on Monday morning, I felt great and had lots of positive energy to start my week.

Giving up my busy-ness has already made a big difference for me. Are you always busy? What ways can you find more time to take care of you? Focus on how special and beautiful you are. Give yourself some love. Make yourself your number one priority! You will be so glad you did.

 

You can order Loving and Living Your Way Through Grief  by clicking here at Amazon.

I would be happy to put you on the reminder list for or Writing Together Through Grief occurring on Saturdays each week by sending an email to me to emily@lovingandlivingyourwaythroughgrief.com and giving me your email address.

The Truth About Greif

by

Mark Nepo says: “Only while telling the truth does the truth lighten us.” Early in my grieving I would say to myself things like: “I will never feel better “I will never love again.” Or “Nobody understands how bad I feel.”  Did you find yourself saying things like that? You may have only said them to yourself, and you may have felt that way at the moment, but were you actually telling the truth?

How would you describe how you were feeling early in your loss?  Did you feel empty, lonely, devastated, inconsolable? Think back to those days.  I barely remember much of what happened because things didn’t seem real.  It didn’t seem possible that my husband would never hold me again, sleep with me, or have a wonderful conversation with me.  All those things were my normal before he died, then he was gone along with all the wonders we had shared.  When I felt the unfamiliar experiences, I believed them to be true. But as time went on, I realized those were temporary feelings, and I didn’t need to stay mired in them. I could start moving forward a little at a time.

I didn’t think I would love again. Jacques and I had been married for 22 years. After he died, I didn’t feel suddenly unmarried. I still said “my husband” when I referred to him. And even after I fell in love with Ron, it took me four years to say yes to his proposal because I didn’t feel unmarried to Jacques.  Fortunately, I finally realized I wasn’t being fair to Ron and to our relationship and I was able to say yes.

When Jacques died, I had a hard time imagining that anyone could understand me. I just knew that anyone who hadn’t had someone very close to them die just wouldn’t get how I felt. I only had one friend who was also a recent widow. She set a good example for me. Through watching her be able to smile again, I realized that people didn’t have to know how I felt, since that isn’t possible, but they could care about me, and I could accept the comfort they offered me.

When dealing with these issues, I realized I wasn’t telling myself the truth. Integrity is important to me, and here I was, telling myself things that weren’t true.  When I finally realized that I was living in a fantasy that I had created, I started to examine the truth of what I was saying. I could see that I was starting to feel better, though it took a while. Discovering that allowed me to see that the truth was, and is, that things change every moment.  I can choose not to live in the depths of despair but chose instead to see what is good and beautiful about my life.

Focusing on what I am grateful for, on what I can enjoy, I began to see the truth and focus on that.  When I would start to tell myself that I couldn’t be happy, I would stop and say, “Is that true?”  Focusing on what I knew in my heart to be true allowed me to start on my path of staying in the moment and discovering the truth in my life.

If something starts to bring you down, ask yourself if whatever it is can really be true. Chances are you will discover that there is a more positive way to look at things, and a much more positive way to move forward for you.

 

You can order Loving and Living Your Way Through Grief  by clicking here at Amazon.

I would be happy to put you on the reminder list for or Writing Together Through Grief occurring on Saturdays each week by sending an email to me to emily@lovingandlivingyourwaythroughgrief.com and giving me your email address.