The Grief and Happiness Alliance

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The Spirit of Aloha is the Law!

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Before moving to Maui, we visited often, and I always felt wonderful while I was here. I couldn’t define why at the time, but I did see that everyone was friendly. We were always greeted with Aloha and thanked with Mahalo. When we moved here, I had the same feeling. I have always wanted to live where I knew my neighbors well, and for the first time in my life, I have that here. Almost every day we will barrow something from a neighbor, a neighbor will stop by just to say hello, or a neighbor will bake fresh bread and share it. We even exchange the produce from our gardens every week. In Hawaii, the word for family is Ohana, and my neighbors and other island friends definitely make up my Maui Ohana.

This weekend we had a big storm and many trees were blown down. My next-door neighbors were trapped in their car with fallen trees in front of and behind them. A man who had hiked up to his house because he couldn’t drive through the obstructions noticed my friends and invited them into his home, fed them, and gave them a room to stay the night with fresh sheets! What could have turned into a catastrophe turned into an adventure by this stranger sharing his Spirit of Aloha.

During Ron’s last week, although we were vegetarian, he decided he wanted bar-b-que ribs. No sooner had he mentioned that then the Ohana came together and created a fabulous feast. While this loving support is amazing, and I am eternally grateful for it, I discovered, it is the law!

Aunty Pilahi Paki (Aunty is the honorary title of endearment and respect for an older woman) wrote the Aloha Spirit Law when she foresaw that the world would experience great strife and would turn to Hawaii for healing. It was actually passed into law in Hawaii in 1986.

This is the Aloha Spirit law, according to Hawaii.gov:

[§5-7.5]  “Aloha Spirit”.  (a)  “Aloha Spirit” is the coordination of mind and heart within each person.  It brings each person to the self.  Each person must think and emote good feelings to others.  

    These are traits of character that express the charm, warmth and sincerity of Hawaii’s people.  It was the working philosophy of native Hawaiians and was presented as a gift to the people of Hawaii.  “Aloha” is more than a word of greeting or farewell or a salutation.  “Aloha” means mutual regard and affection and extends warmth in caring with no obligation in return.  “Aloha” is the essence of relationships in which each person is important to every other person for collective existence.  “Aloha” means to hear what is not said, to see what cannot be seen and to know the unknowable.

    (b)  In exercising their power on behalf of the people and in fulfillment of their responsibilities, obligations and service to the people, the legislature, governor, lieutenant governor, executive officers of each department, the chief justice, associate justices, and judges of the appellate, circuit, and district courts may contemplate and reside with the life force and give consideration to the “Aloha Spirit”. [L 1986, c 202, §1]

So it turns out that the wonderful feelings I experience here are the law! Wouldn’t it be wonderful if people everywhere voluntarily practiced this philosophy? I have made it a part of my life which has changed everything for me. I hope your will embrace the spirit of Aloha too!

 

https://www.capitol.hawaii.gov/hrscurrent/Vol01_Ch0001-0042F/HRS0005/HRS_0005-0007_0005.htm

Strength from Support

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After loss, when you get to the point where you want to talk to someone, where do you go? I discovered that I had pretty much isolated myself and knew that it was time to climb out of my cocoon. When we moved to Maui, Ron was having significant health challenges, so I chose to spend my time with him. Two years later, he was gone and I only knew a few people. They already knew my story, and I didn’t want them to think I was broken. I wanted to find some strength to step forward.

I thought about going to a counselor, but in researching online about counselors who were close enough to go to, I do live in the middle of the Pacific Ocean, I found that while some had training in grief, they didn’t necessarily have experience with their own grief, and I wasn’t sure I could relate to them.  Hospice invited me to attend their group, but when I thought of that, I just envisioned people in pain, sobbing through their stories and not hearing anyone else. I realize that I am probably totally off base by that assumption. I probably made that up as an excuse not to go. The Hospice people I worked with to help Ron all were wonderful. Sometimes I am amazed by the road blocks I put up in my own way.

Then someone invited me to a Death Café. I thought that was a weird name, but I looked it up online, and it seemed like a positive place to be, and that was what I was looking for. I went to my first meeting, and loved that we were at a Mexican restaurant eating chips and salsa and sharing  stories and talking about anything relating to death.  I was relaxed and comfortable and especially grateful that I didn’t feel like the odd person out. Often when dealing with loss, you may find yourself in circumstances where everyone seems like their lives are ideal with no loss. When I’d be in a place like that, I wasn’t comfortable speaking about my situation, so I would just smile (so I wouldn’t make them uncomfortable with a widow in the room) and pretend that all was well.

So that first meeting has led me to become the facilitator for Death Café Maui. We met last night, and I was so grateful to be there. The people who came had all lost someone, or several people, and were dealing with their grief, and everyone supported each other. Talking about ways to deal with what we all had experienced or were experiencing felt so freeing and positive. And telling your story is so important. I have discovered that the more often I share about Ron and Jacques, the easier it is and the shorter the story is. I feel like I have found my people, I’m home. And I also feel like I am more comfortable talking to anyone else. I don’t have to be identified by my grief. Instead, I now am identified with my life.

If you haven’t found that place yet where you feel heard and supported, start looking now. If there is a Death Café in your area, check it out. If you are in Maui, contact me and I’ll give you all the details. If there is not a Death Café near you or the concept doesn’t resonate with you, find someplace else. For you it may be a Hospice group, or you might just invite some friends you know who are dealing with loss over for some cake and conversation. I’ve also heard of a group gaining popularity around the country called The Dinner Party: Life After Loss that has been create especially for 20 to 30 year-olds.

The important thing here is, choose to move forward from isolation. Choose to find your people. They are out there and are probably just waiting to hear from you.

Breathing the Breath of Ram Dass

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Ram Dass is now a spiritual leader who started out as a prominent Harvard psychologist.  In 1967 he traveled to India and met his guru. This is when his life changed. His guru gave him the name Ram Dass which means Servant of God. He has been guiding people along their spiritual journeys ever since for over 50 years with his basic philosophy: “Be here now.”

Even though Ram Dass suffered a near fatal stroke, he continues to teach and inspire people from all over the world. I knew he lives in Maui, and I set my intention to see him not having any idea of how that could happen.

When I started writing my upcoming book, Fifty-Two Weeks: A Self-Care Guide through the First Year of Grief, I knew I had to have a social media platform and that I needed to become known in order to get a book contract. Since I have been teaching writing at the university level and had written books myself, I saw the logical way for me to become known would be through teaching classes about writing through grief. After I created the courses online, I went to The Death Store in Maui and offered to teach these classes in person. The Death Store is part of the Doorway Into Light non-profit foundation whose mission is to support the end of life and education among other things death related. This led to me becoming the facilitator for the Death Café in Maui, a group that meets once a month to talk about anything related to death. In working with them, I discovered Ram Dass is on their board of directors.

I volunteered to help with one of their events. Ram Dass turned out to be speaking there and my manifestation came true. I was able to be in the room as he spoke. Before he spoke, the large gathering was very noisy and active. When he entered the room, it became totally silent. Though partially paralyzed and in a wheel chair, he never stopped smiling as he spoke and he enjoyed a good laugh. As I stood before him, I was overwhelmed with the thought that we were breathing the same air. This had a profound effect on me.

What I contemplated was that we are all connected in some way. I also breathed the breath of John K. Kennedy, Richard Nixon, and Hilary Clinton at different times in my life, as well as countless people from patients I took care of, to students I have taught, to people in South Africa, Italy, Chile, and many other places I have visited. I breathed the air of those I love and well as strangers. We all breathe in air as we are born, and breathe out air as we leave this earthly existence.  We all share the opportunity to breathe, to smile, and to love.

I chose to experience this breath I share with gratitude for all the life experiences it has brought me. And for knowing that I am still breathing the air where Ron and I lived here in Maui, and that there has to be some of the air his precious breath that I can breathe in and feel his love.

So take a deep breath and feel how connected we all are.

Never Forget

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Never Forget My Daddy.

Celebrating Veteran’s Day this week, I remember my Daddy who served on a ship in the Philippines during World War II. Mom and Dad were married and had a baby, my sister Linda, when he was called to serve. Our family lived in Porterville, a small central California town, where he returned after the war, and I was born nine years after my sister. Dad became very involved in Veterans affairs. He joined the Veterans’ of Foreign Wars, and Mom joined the VFW Auxiliary. I even became a member of the VFW Junior Auxiliary and am a life member of the VFW Auxiliary in my parents honor.

When I was a teenager, a veteran and his family showed up at our front door wanting to see my father. They had fallen on hard times and had nothing to eat. My parents were at a VFW meeting out of town, so I invited the family in, made them a meal, gave them a bag of groceries from our pantry, and asked them to return to see Dad the next day. My dad was so upset with me when I told him what I had done inviting strangers into the house when he wasn’t home, but he softened when I told him that I just did what I know he would have done.

Dad ultimately became the Department Commander of the VFW for the state of California, the highest state office. In that role he was active nationally even testifying before a Senate sub-committee in Washington DC during the Cold War. Traveling with him at times I had experiences I’ll never forget, including shaking hands with Vice President Nixon, hearing John F. Kennedy speak and getting to touch him afterward, and having dinner with Governor Pat Brown of California. I also met some Hollywood stars along the way.

In Porterville, the biggest holiday of the year is Veteran’s Day. Mom was always the secretary for the parade and the whole family worked on it all year. This year they are celebrating their 100thannual parade. The festivities started with a big prayer meeting honoring all Veterans on Sunday evening at the start of Veteran’s Day week. My dad was the speaker at that event in 1989, and the next day he died of a heart attack. Being the most famous Veteran in town, the rest of the week was a community celebration of my father including a special car driven in the parade with no passenger and a funeral wreath in his honor. His funeral was the biggest I’ve ever seen.

Being a Veteran in that small town still is a big deal, and the Veterans are honored. Porterville has the largest loss of life per capita for the Vietnam War, so we all knew the pride and honor of knowing those serving our country, and the loss and grief of our friends and family members. Seeing a homeless Veteran breaks my heart. We can do better. When given the opportunity, I hope we all, including our government, will do what we can to take care of our Veterans in honor for their service, and in honor of all of us still grieving the loss of so many.

Never Forget.

 

As Time Goes By

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This morning Michelle asked me if we ever stop grieving. I responded that we don’t, but it does soften into a beautiful part of our lives instead of a constant pain.

When each of my husbands died, I lost track of space and time, and I don’t remember how long that lasted. Gradually, time started creeping back in to perspective. I would have an appointment to go to or pressing business that had to be attended, so slowly I became aware of time. I began to remember what day of the week it was. As odd as that sounds to me now, I realize I was out of sync with the world around me.

At first, I would think to myself, he died four days ago, or last week, or twelve days ago. Then I realized I was counting in weeks. I remembered when my babies were little and their short lives we measured first in days, then weeks, then months, and eventually years. That’s how it goes after the death of a loved one, too. 

On September eighth of this year, I realized that I hadn’t thought about September 4 which would have been thirteen months since Ron left. At first I felt guilty at my failure to remember. After I beat myself up a little, I woke up and knew that I haven’t forgotten him, that I had just started expanding my life to think of something else too, and that was good.

My father died in 1989. Although that was almost thirty years ago, I still grieve him, but gently. Veteran’s Day, November 11, was always his favorite holiday as he fought in World War II and was very active in the Veterans of Foreign Wars. So every time I see someone with a VFW cap on or see a buddy poppy or hear that national anthem, I remember my Dad, how proud he was, and how proud I was of him. This is a softer kind of grief. When you can reflect on your loved one and smile, and instead of pain, you remember love.

The fresher your grief, the more your heart aches. And as time goes by, that ache will transform to a smile. 

0 to 60 in 19 Days!

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I learned about the importance of moving my body after I stopped. For a long time before Ron died, his mobility was limited because of his health. I stayed close to him to help as needed, so my mobility became limited, too. Then when he died, I pretty much stopped moving all together. I had no desire to get out of bed for a while. Then I graduated to the couch. The less I moved, the less able I was to move. I finally got to the point that going shopping for food was almost impossible. Thank goodness for those little motor carts!

So, after about 6 months, I said to myself, “This is ridiculous! I don’t want to live this way! So when my health insurance sent me a free membership to the gym, I took it as a sign and enrolled. I wanted motivation, so I signed up for a personal trainer. Drew is fabulous. He assessed the level of exercise I could do and gradually increased my activity each time I went. I was so weak when I started that this was a long process. I was dismayed by the shape I was in, but I was determined not to give up.

I learned of a trip I could go on to Tuscany with an organization I belonged to. It was about six months away, so I signed up for it as my goal to be physically able to go. I did go to the doctor to make sure that I was OK and got the green light to get in shape. The gym wasn’t easy. Each visit I felt like I was barely doing anything, but it wore me out. Having Drew as a cheer leader really helped me, though.

About three weeks before my trip, I came down with bronchitis and was so sick I couldn’t work out. I was still determined and took good care of myself and when my travel date arrived, I set my mind to just do it!  I had no idea how much walking was actually entailed in the trip, and I chose to just not focus on it.  When we needed to walk, I just walked. No one else was walking very slowly or taking breaks, so neither did I. And in the 19 days of the trip, I went from not walking at all to a total of 60 miles according to my iPhone.  I was terribly tired in the evenings, but I did sleep well.

When I returned home, I felt better than I had in years. The walking was so good for me, and I have a regular walking routine now in addition to going to the gym. And Drew is amazed with my progress at the gym, and I am experiencing beautiful places on Maui I hadn’t seen before. I feel so good, and I am so grateful that I didn’t give in to how I was feeling in my grief, and I didn’t give up.

So my message here is please take care of yourself. Whatever shape you are in emotionally or physically, you can do better and it feels so good when you do!