The Grief and Happiness Alliance

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0 to 60 in 19 Days!

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I learned about the importance of moving my body after I stopped. For a long time before Ron died, his mobility was limited because of his health. I stayed close to him to help as needed, so my mobility became limited, too. Then when he died, I pretty much stopped moving all together. I had no desire to get out of bed for a while. Then I graduated to the couch. The less I moved, the less able I was to move. I finally got to the point that going shopping for food was almost impossible. Thank goodness for those little motor carts!

So, after about 6 months, I said to myself, “This is ridiculous! I don’t want to live this way! So when my health insurance sent me a free membership to the gym, I took it as a sign and enrolled. I wanted motivation, so I signed up for a personal trainer. Drew is fabulous. He assessed the level of exercise I could do and gradually increased my activity each time I went. I was so weak when I started that this was a long process. I was dismayed by the shape I was in, but I was determined not to give up.

I learned of a trip I could go on to Tuscany with an organization I belonged to. It was about six months away, so I signed up for it as my goal to be physically able to go. I did go to the doctor to make sure that I was OK and got the green light to get in shape. The gym wasn’t easy. Each visit I felt like I was barely doing anything, but it wore me out. Having Drew as a cheer leader really helped me, though.

About three weeks before my trip, I came down with bronchitis and was so sick I couldn’t work out. I was still determined and took good care of myself and when my travel date arrived, I set my mind to just do it!  I had no idea how much walking was actually entailed in the trip, and I chose to just not focus on it.  When we needed to walk, I just walked. No one else was walking very slowly or taking breaks, so neither did I. And in the 19 days of the trip, I went from not walking at all to a total of 60 miles according to my iPhone.  I was terribly tired in the evenings, but I did sleep well.

When I returned home, I felt better than I had in years. The walking was so good for me, and I have a regular walking routine now in addition to going to the gym. And Drew is amazed with my progress at the gym, and I am experiencing beautiful places on Maui I hadn’t seen before. I feel so good, and I am so grateful that I didn’t give in to how I was feeling in my grief, and I didn’t give up.

So my message here is please take care of yourself. Whatever shape you are in emotionally or physically, you can do better and it feels so good when you do!

What Does Eating Have to Do With Grief?

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Picture your absolutely favorite food. What does it smell like? What does it look like? What does it taste like? Imagine sitting at your table beautifully set and that perfect food before you. Place one bite in your mouth. Savor it. Experience what it feels like in your mouth. Gently swallow that bite. And sit for a moment, seeing what is left of your severing before you. Enjoy the taste lingering in your mouth. Take a deep breath. Smile at your pleasure. Then take another small bite and enjoy the experience all over again.

So many times we eat whatever is available, and we eat in a rush.  While that may deal with an immediate problem of hunger or not having the time to eat, it doesn’t usually serve us. Eating is one of the most important things we do for ourselves and much too frequently, we just don’t pay attention. 

In transitioning through the process of grieving, eating challenges often happen. Either we eat mindlessly maybe while sitting in front of the television and eating a whole bag of potato chips or a whole package of cookies. Or maybe we just can’t stand the thought of putting something in our mouths or of entering the kitchen where we used to enjoy preparing meals for our loved one. Whatever our eating challenge may be, now is a good time to pay attention to it.

What is your relationship with food right now? Could it be better? Food is the fuel that serves us to strengthen and heal our bodies, the energy that allows us to survive and take care of ourselves. Eating well is a huge step in recognizing the importance of taking care of our bodies and in turn our souls.

Try an experiment. What food do you keep in your kitchen? Is it healthy food? Is it highly processed? What kinds of foods do you like to eat? Considering all that, make a list of the food you would really like to eat for the next few days. Choose things that are fresh and not processed. If you don’t already have these foods in your kitchen or garden, go shopping. Buy produce that is labeled as local, or better yet, go to a farmer’s market. At this point, only focus on the new few days. Overbuying can be overwhelming both to your budget and your energy.

Plan when you are going to eat the food you have chosen. Waiting till your really hungry causes you to pick up something that is easy and eat to much of it. So plan the times you want to eat that will fit best with your schedule. And  if your challenge has been not eating, be sure to eat something at those times you have planned. In either case, eat a reasonable amount. Take time while you are eating to savor your food. And after you have eaten, clean up right away. Dirty dishes in the sink are unappetizing and lead to making poor eating choices to just eat something easy and processed or not eat at all. Plus cleaning up right away is much easier and keeps your home in order which is helpful in the transition process. 

Eating consciously is a big step in the grief transformation process. Try it and see what happens. Let me know how it works out for you. I am here to help in your grief transformation process.

Real Scary Stories: The Importance of Friends

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We all have friends, some more than others.  We talk to some of our friends every day. Other close friends can go for years without being in touch, but when they reconnect, it’s just like no time has passed. When we get to the point where we live alone, friends are more important than ever, not just for commandry, but to help keep us alive.

 

I’ve known three people who would not have lived if friends didn’t come to their rescue. Vicky lived alone, and when she went to walk in the park across the street from her home, she fell and broke her hip. Amazingly, she laid in the park for over 8 hours, much of that time unconscious. People must have walked by and ignored her thinking that she was just a sleeping, homeless old lady.  When she was conscious, she cried out for help, but no one stopped. Finally, a friend of hers recognized her and called an ambulance.

 

Mary went to play bridge one night with friends. One friend gave her a ride home and dropped her off in front of her house before she drove away. Mary opened her automatic garage door, and when she was walking in underneath it, the door malfunctioned and came down, trapping her underneath it with a broken hip. Her friend who was on her way home said she had a feeling that something wasn’t right, so she returned to Mary’s house and called for help when she found her.

 

My mother, who lived 50 miles away, came to spend the Thanksgiving holiday with us. We had a great time and went shopping while she was visiting. She bought a new electric blanket because she said at night she got so cold since Daddy had died. Mom had played bridge on Tuesday mornings with the same group of friends for over 50 years. The Tuesday after Thanksgiving, mom didn’t show up for their game, so her friends called the business that mom owned that was close to her house to have someone check on her since she didn’t answer the phone. They found her on the floor of her bedroom where she had been since Sunday night when she fell trying to put that new blanket on her bed. She was still alive and had not broken anything, but she was dehydrated and disoriented and had to be hospitalized. Had her friends not called when they did, she may not have lived.

 

These stories terrify me. I do not tell them to scare you but to remind you of the importance of human contact especially when you live alone. Don’t isolate yourself. Find people to talk to on a regular basis. Find activities to do with friends. And always keep your cell phone with you to call someone if you need help. If yoi don’t live alone, be sure to keep in contact with friends who do.

 

Keep in touch with your friends. Develop your own Ohana, the Hawaiian word for family. Find ways of being together on a regular basis like sharing meals, playing games, or volunteering to do something you all enjoy. Life is so much better when shared.

 

The Grass is Always Greener

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I lived in California before we moved to Maui. At that time, and still really, there was a drought.  Our beautiful, green state had grown brown and dusty. We were encouraged to pull out all the grass in our yards and plant drought tolerant succulents. Now succulents are beautiful, come in an amazing variety, and have a wild array of colorful blossoms, but they aren’t grass.  You can’t walk through them barefoot and wiggle the grass between your toes. I missed the fresh fragrance that came from a newly mowed lawn.

In all the visits we had to Maui before we moved here, the island always seemed lush and green, and I looked forward to living where the green was a constant.  Now living on the island, I discovered it isn’t always green here. Hawaii is the most isolated place on the planet. Everything we use here we either grown or have it shipped in from very far away. The water we use comes from the sky, and though it rains a lot, sometimes it doesn’t. We have no reservoirs or cannel systems where we can flow water in from someplace else.  So, we don’t water our lawns.  And when it doesn’t rain, the grass turns brown.

When I got up this morning I looked out into the yard verdant green. This made my day because last week it had been solid brown, and I wasn’t sure when the green would return.  But we had a couple of days rain, and you would never know that the lawn was brown last week.

This made me think about the cycle of life. That just because some grass dies, more comes right in to take its place and green up our world. Everything is cyclical. With evidence of global warming all round, when asked about if it is real, a geologist friend of mine always answers: “The world heats up. The world cools down.”  When you look at the history of our planet, that is exactly what happens. Just like with the grass: where the grass is green, the grass turns brown, then more green grass comes along.

And with human life, people are born, then people die.  That is a sure thing for all of us. We can’t avoid either end of that spectrum.  They key is not to worry about the past or fear the future, but to live in this movement, today, enjoying walking through this green grass. Make the most of it.  Experience what you want to. Say what you want to say. And always stay in love, with yourself, with others, with this life experience. The grass is greenest right where you are with it between your bare toes.