The Grief and Happiness Alliance

bereavement gifts

Fear

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So many of us experience different levels of fear throughout our grieving. Initially, the fear of being alone or just missing our loved one is almost universal. As time goes on, many more fears can arise like fear of being able to pay the bills or fear of losing contact with our friends. Right now, in United states, many of us are having great fear of the changes our country is experiencing. So, what can we do about all this fear?

I heard a definition of fear that makes sense to me: “False Evidence Appearing Real.” In the case of the fear of being alone, what can you do about that? We may find ourselves cocooning by staying by ourselves, not answering the phone, the door, or the mail. When this happens, your friends may tire of trying to contact you, and they may stop trying. The solution to this is to start responding to their efforts. And if they have stopped, then it is time for you to respond to them. Invite them to go on a walk with you, or to have coffee, or just stop by for a visit. They are most likely with be happy to hear from you.

If you are concerned about your bills, please don’t ignore them. I didn’t realize that my mother had stopped paying her bills because her brain tumor had affected her capacity to realize she had bills to pay. This turned into a big mess. Fortunately, I did discover what was happening and was able to work things out. While your loved ones are able, check to see that they are taking care of their finances or if they need some help. And for you, be sure that someone you would like to help you knows where all your records are so they can help you. I was so glad that my Aunt let me know where all of her records were when she chose me to be her durable power of attorney for when the time came that was needed. Who would you like to do that for you? Be sure that person knows.

There are many things that can cause you to fear. The political situation in our country right now is a big concern. What you can do right now is pay attention to what is happening. If we ignore the changes that are happening, this could be dangerous. Instead of worrying or thinking there is nothing we can do, instead choose to be kind. Choose to be positive. Choose to not get sucked into the fear that is rising. Focus on your vision of the country and the world you would like to see. Then move forward in living your best life and helping where you can.

Making our living situation the best it can be is up to us. Release any fear you are feeling and focus on what is best for us all.

 

The Grief and Happiness Alliance

Loving and Living Your Way Through Grief

My email is emily@griefandhappiness.com

Let me know if you’d like to receive my newsletters which have lots of good things!

You can listen to my podcast here.

You can join the Grief and Happiness Alliance Gatherings which meet weekly on Sundays by clicking here

You can order the International Best Selling The Grief and Happiness Handbook by clicking here.

You can order The Grief and Happiness Cards by clicking here.

You can order Loving and Living Your Way Through Grief by clicking here.

Be the Reason Someone Smiles

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I drove through the line at Starbucks yesterday, a guilty pleasure I seldom treat myself to. I was looking forward to my order when I noticed a Barista smiling pleasantly at me from the big screen where I gave my order. I don’t know if she always smiles or if she was reflecting my smile to me. I do know that when I noticed her smile, my smile grew even bigger. I was still smiling when I saw a different Barista as I pulled up to the window to pick up my order. She had a big, beautiful smile too!  As I sat in the parking lot to drink my order, I don’t like to drink and drive, my latté seemed to taste better than usual.

I became conscious of my smile when I added the concept of happiness to all I do related to grief. I figured it would be hard to teach about happiness while not smiling. And I was right. On the occasion where I would be concentrating on what I wanted to say about happiness, I forgot to smile, and people didn’t smile at me and didn’t seem interested in what I had to say. I fixed this dilemma by reminding myself to smile each time I used the words “happy” or “happiness.” Smiling at these times enabled me to actually be happy. What a gift!

When I smiled generously to my audience as I taught, I found I was still smiling when my presentation was over.  I loved the feeling my smiles brought to me. So I have been smiling more now than I ever have, and it just keeps getting better. To feel better when you are grieving, start being mindful of your smiles. Increase the number and size of your smile, then notice how much better you feel!

 

The Grief and Happiness Alliance

Loving and Living Your Way Through Grief

My email is emily@griefandhappiness.com

Let me know if you’d like to receive my newsletters which have lots of good things!

You can listen to my podcast here.

You can join the Grief and Happiness Alliance Gatherings which meet weekly on Sundays by clicking here

You can order the International Best Selling The Grief and Happiness Handbook by clicking here.

You can order The Grief and Happiness Cards by clicking here.

You can order Loving and Living Your Way Through Grief by clicking here.

Loving Kindness During the Holidays

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In the holiday season, we tend to rely even more than usual on the service of others. I think most of us have had a variety of service jobs through our lives. I know I have, starting from baby sitting and teaching swimming lessons. I also worked at what we used to call being a waitress. And I was an ambulance attendant and a vocational nurse. I cut grapes in the fields, packed plums, canned tuna, and gleaned corn and peaches.

My first restaurant job came when I came home from high school one day and my father told me that his friend who owned a restaurant had people call in sick for that night and that he really needed help, so my father volunteered me. I had never done that before and felt intimidated when I arrived at 11 PM. I asked Dad’s friend what he wanted me to do. He told me that my parents had taken me out to eat, so I knew how I wanted to be treated by wait staff, so when I served people, I should treat them as I would want to be treated. That was my entire orientation. It was a small 24 hour a day coffee shop, so I had to figure out how to do everything else on my own.

I learned an invaluable lesson that night. I had a good time. I smiled at everyone and treated them like friends. At the end of my shift, I told the owner I would be happy to come back whenever he needed me, so he called me often. I took that smile with me to all those other jobs I had, and I took pride in my work treating each job like it was the most important thing to me at the moment I was working.

What does all this have to do with grief and happiness during the holidays? We come into contact with  many people during the holidays. We shop, we dine out, we go to parties, we go to appointments, we go to work, we go to meetings, we go to classes, and everywhere we go, we interact with people. Chances are you don’t know most of the people you run into, so you don’t know if someone they love is dying or just died. We don’t know if she just had a miscarriage. We don’t know if they lost their home or their job. Even with people we know, we may not know these things about them.

When you think of all these people, remember how my boss oriented me. Treat each person, no matter how well you know or don’t know them, like they are your friend. Smile at them. Notice when they smile back at you or if they may seem to be holding back tears.  Approach them with an open heart. Listen to what they have to say. Be there for them.

During these holidays, see how much loving kindness you can share with a smile.

 

The Grief and Happiness Alliance

Loving and Living Your Way Through Grief

My email is emily@griefandhappiness.com

Let me know if you’d like to receive my newsletters which have lots of good things!

You can listen to my podcast here.

You can join the Grief and Happiness Alliance Gatherings which meet weekly on Sundays by clicking here

You can order the International Best Selling The Grief and Happiness Handbook by clicking here.

You can order The Grief and Happiness Cards by clicking here.

You can order Loving and Living Your Way Through Grief by clicking here.

Sunrise, Sunset

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Even if you haven’t seen the play or movie of Fidler on The Roof, you probably have heard the main song, Sunrise, Sunset. Read these lyrics and see if a memory of this song comes to you:

Sunrise, sunset

Sunrise, sunset

Swiftly flow the days

Seedlings turn overnight to sunflowers

Blossoming even as we gaze

Sunrise, sunset

Sunrise, sunset

Swiftly fly the years

One season following another

Laden with happiness and tears

Lyrics by

Sheldon Harick

As I was gazing at yet another gorgeous sunset here on Maui, those lyrics floated by in my mind. I see the sunrises out of my bedroom each morning and see the sunsets from my lanai. I love to take pictures of these beautiful times of days, and no two pictures are ever alike.

This day was different from any other day I have experienced, and tomorrow will be different too. I can choose to let each day float by or choose to identify the love and beauty of the day, or to wallow in the sadness of a day.

Four of the most significant days in my life came at the sunsets of my loved ones.

When my father died, he had just given a big speech to his whole community honoring the veterans there, then the next day, he was just gone from a heart attack. I was in shock, but I was able to witness the community celebrating him all week because it was the week of Veterans Day. Though I was sad, I chose to be grateful for such a wonderful father loved by so many.

When my mother died, she had been deteriorating for a long time. Her physical self was unrecognizable. The last time I entered her room, I sat next to her bed and held her arm where I could feel her pulse as I told her all I wished I could have earlier in her life, especially that I loved her. Then I told her she didn’t have to wait, that Daddy and her mother were waiting for her, and it was OK for her to go.  I felt her pulse slow and stop. When I went into the other room to tell her sister, I felt the love I had never expressed to her overwhelm me, and I was grateful to have served her and taken care of her for the last years of her life.

When my husband Jacques died, he had been suffering from a myriad of health challenges for so long, but he always thought he would get better. I saw when he realized that wasn’t going to happen. He was getting into the car to go to yet another dialysis treatment. He looked in my eyes and said “Oh. S**t.” Then he collapsed into the car and slid down between the seat and the dashboard. I was unable to move him. I was in shock.

When Ron died, he was surrounded by his family and friends, all celebrating him through the week of his death.  He was so loved and supported during this time. He just appeared to fall asleep, then he was gone. Initially with his departure, I cried painfully, but after that, I was grateful that he wouldn’t have to experience all the pain he had been through anymore and I found peace in that.

While these are all sunsets, I have lots of sunrises too like when my children and grandchildren and now great grandchildren were born. With each graduation, each wedding, each wonderful experience they are all having, it brings me joy too.

I love and am grateful for it all. And the more experiences I have with all of my loved ones, the more grateful I am for this amazingly beautiful life I get to live. I think about the beauty and joy of each sunrise and sunset, and I encourage you to take the time to look up  at these gorgeous reminders of our precious lives and reflect on your sunrises and sunsets too.

 

The Grief and Happiness Alliance

Loving and Living Your Way Through Grief

My email is emily@griefandhappiness.com

Let me know if you’d like to receive my newsletters which have lots of good things!

You can listen to my podcast here.

You can join the Grief and Happiness Alliance Gatherings which meet weekly on Sundays by clicking here

You can order the International Best Selling The Grief and Happiness Handbook by clicking here.

You can order The Grief and Happiness Cards by clicking here.

You can order Loving and Living Your Way Through Grief by clicking here.

Giving

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I am always on the lookout for information about happiness, and today I found an article written by psychologist Adam Grant written in Inc. Newsletter. He posits that overall happiness is supported by giving. That concept resonates with me and led to me to think about how I frequently say I am happier now than I ever have been. The biggest difference in my life now is that I focus on generosity, giving in many different ways. For me, it’s not only the generosity, but it’s my new mindset that comes along with it, that results in joy.

Much of my life I’ve been trying to prove things about me, and I know that started when I was growing up.  In elementary school, the encouragement I heard most often from my parents, especially at report card time, was that I could do so much better if I only tried harder.  They didn’t realize, I was trying to do what was expected of me, I just wasn’t getting the results that others expected. I know now that feeling of constant failure was not created by a lack trying. Instead, my biggest challenge was my inability to see well.  I convinced myself that I couldn’t read at grade level, that I couldn’t control my handwriting to make it legible, and that I wasn’t capable of paying attention to what I was supposed to be learning because I had so much trouble doing what seemed to come easily to my classmates.

I was a shy child, observing rather that participating in things I wished I was able to enjoy.  When I finally had a required vision screening at school in fifth grade, I was diagnosed with significant problems with my vision.  While I was grateful to have an excuse for my failure, I was so far behind my classmates that catching up seemed impossible. In seventh grade my teacher used me as the example of the bad student in class because I couldn’t spell or keep up. She would even read out loud to the class my spelling errors, like the day when she pointed out what to her was the funniest error I had made so far by spelling people: peepole. She decided that I had to flunk that year, and I was mortified. Finally, after much begging, I was allowed to go to summer school to catch up on all that I was severely behind in.

That summer turned my life around. Mrs. Wilson was an amazing teacher who could see my desire to do my best. She spent extra time with me and was so supporting and positive. I went from being the worst student in class, or maybe in the whole school, to being the student who tried the hardest. I improved my grades to the point I was able to go into eighth grade in the fall. This new joy of learning changed my life. I became compulsive about proving I was doing my best.

From then on, I knocked myself out by setting goals and doing all I could to succeed. This led to lots of honors and opportunities. As an adult, I constantly tried to prove to myself that I was the best at whatever I did. While this led to great experiences, it also led to stress and exhaustion. However, being married to Jacques and later to Ron, I learned what it felt like to be appreciated and loved unconditionally. I was most thrilled that each of them called me a renaissance woman because of all I did and achieved.

When I got to the point where I had the financial security to choose how I wanted to spend my time and money, that’s when the genuine joy entered my life. I started my teaching career at the university by taking on the classes of the students who were struggling the most. From my learned compassion, I saw amazing progress and success with my students who had felt doomed to fail at higher education. I served my community by volunteering for things that brought me joy by helping others, like serving on the Self Esteem Commission, to be on the board for an after-school arts program, and so much more. The more I volunteered for and donated to, the happier I became.

This shift profoundly affected my choices and my contributions. And after both my wonderful husbands died, instead of sinking into my sorrow, I found many ways to help people deal with their grief, and I am richly rewarded. The difference is that now instead of rewards coming from honors, awards, and financial gain, my happiness comes from helping others to learn how they can grieve and be happy at the same time. Every time that all who attend a Grief and Happiness Alliance gathering find themselves smiling at the end of our time together, or when someone tells me how much my books, cards, and podcast brings them comfort and support, I am reminded of how happy I am to contribute to how they are feeling.

I now give my services, my time, and my abundance to others, and I am happy and more fulfilled than I ever have been.

What and how to you give? What else can you do to give even more? I promise that your happiness will grow as your giving does.

 

 

The Grief and Happiness Alliance

Loving and Living Your Way Through Grief

You can listen to my podcast, Grief and Happiness, by clicking here

You can join the Grief and Happiness Alliance which meets weekly on Sundays by clicking here

You can order the International Best Selling The Grief and Happiness Handbook by clicking here.

You can order The Grief and Happiness Cards by clicking here.

You can order Loving and Living Your Way Through Grief by clicking here.

You can sign up for our newsletter here

Last Letters

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Chances are we won’t know when our last breath occurs. Hopefully it will be at a time of peace when we just go to sleep and not wake up. If this is the case for me, I’ve been wondering if I would have said everything I would want to say before I took that last breath.. Who knows when that’s going to come. It could be any moment, or it could be years down the road. I have relatives that lived long lives, and I’ve had relatives that lived short ones without being able to have any idea when their last moments would be. Because of this, I plan to say what I need to say now.

My husband Ron was only on hospice for a week, and he made good use of that time. He made sure to say whatever he wanted to say to anyone he wanted to say it to. We made a list to be sure he would contact everyone he wanted to. We invited anybody that could get to Maui to come be with him during that last week. He was surrounded by good friends; many had been friends for his lifetime. He also had people who were significant in his life that he hadn’t talked to in years and others he had only known a short time. We made a big effort to get them all called, and by the time he finally went to sleep, we had crossed off all the names on this list, and I could see how grateful he was.

He had the opportunity to tell special friends or family members exactly what he wanted to say. I was in awe listening to him have these last conversations with people that he could express things so deeply, and I thought what a wonderful life he had lived in unconditional love with so many different people. So many of us don’t get that opportunity to say goodbye because we don’t know when that last moment will be. My grandmother went to sleep one night and didn’t wake up. I was just 13 years old, and I tried to remember if I had told her that I loved her. I know we exchanged big hugs. She was the one person in my life at that point that hugged me, and that meant the world to me, so I knew she knew I loved her but I’m not sure if I ever expressed it in words. 

My father died suddenly. I am proud to be his daughter and am amazed at the things he was able to accomplish. He was such a good man. My mom dealt with a brain tumor for a long time. I know I got to tell mom what I wanted to tell her, but it was awfully late in her life. I wish we would have been able to have those conversations as we went along. I’ve had friends die suddenly and I didn’t get to tell them goodbye. This made me think about people that I’m close to now. I want to be sure to not leave things unsaid. 

I have new friends who are special to me, and I want them to know how much I care for them, how much I noticed what they’ve done for me, how much I am honored to have been able to do things for them, and how wonderful it is to have deep friendships. Right now, I commit to making a list of all the people I want to express my gratitude to so that they can know while I’m still around. This can lead to beautiful conversations, or at least they will know how I feel about them and the wonderful times that we’ve spent together. I will make sure that everyone I have something to say to is on that list, and I will write to each of them while I still can. I plan to enjoy all the time that I can with the people that I love.

I’d love for you to make a list or at least talk to the special people that you really want to talk to while you can, or like me, use the list and write letters so your words will always be there. The people I love will have something left from me, and I’m grateful for that.

 

 

I have special gift for you since you read this blog. I have created so beautiful stationery for you to use to write your letters. I would love to gift it to you at no charge. Just send me a message to emily@griefandhappiness.com including your name, and if you would like, your address to include on the stationery. Be sure to include the email address you would like me to send the printable PDF file to you.

 

The Grief and Happiness Alliance

Loving and Living Your Way Through Grief

You can listen to my podcast, Grief and Happiness, by clicking here

You can join the Grief and Happiness Alliance which meets weekly on Sundays by clicking here

You can order the International Best Selling The Grief and Happiness Handbook by clicking here.

You can order The Grief and Happiness Cards by clicking here.

You can order Loving and Living Your Way Through Grief by clicking here.

You can sign up for our newsletter here