The Grief and Happiness Alliance

bereavement gifts

Holidays and Grief

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Christmas used to be such a special time. When I was growing up, we celebrated with my mother’s three sisters and their families. All the children slept on the floor like a big slumber party, and we would be very quiet because we were anticipating Santa’s reindeer on the roof. And they always came! We knew because we heard the reindeer’s hooves, sleigh bells, and Santa’s jolly Ho Ho Ho’s! As I reflect on these joyous family memories, I am amazed that the older cousins didn’t spoil the illusion.

When my children were young, we would travel to my mother and father’s house to gather with the family who had remained close enough to still come.  My husband Jacques used to call it Hazel’s Hassle (my mom was Hazel) because so many people crammed into mom and dad’s small home. My cousin still tickled me every chance he got even though we were adults by that time. Mom and her sisters provided a feast. I loved watching the four of them gathered in the small kitchen laughing and smiling.

Jacques and I were engaged our first Christmas together. We both were challenged financially at that time, so I got a small Christmas tree for my children to have at my house, and then we transported the tree, decorations, and all, to Jacques’s house because we planned to have dinner at his house.  What a mess to transport that little tree! We had decided we wanted a new Christmas tradition that we could establish our first Christmas together and do every year. We decided our tradition would be to make homemade ravioli. His mom was from Sicily, so she made the filling, I made the pasta, and Jacques made the sauce. Over the years, whoever was around while we were preparing the ravioli would help us put together the ravioli.

I still made ravioli when Ron and I got married. We also invited lots of people.  One year we even had two of his ex-wives!  It was always a beautiful celebration of love and friendship.  Now that Ron’s gone, I usually invite people who don’t have a place to go to join me for ravioli, but the pandemic has put a damper on that.

What has helped me the most now to deal with the holidays is to sit down and consciously write out my intention for the season. This intention is not a to-do list. Rather I decide what will serve me best through the holidays to create happiness and joy. This year I decided to have a small outside gathering with a few friends to create Christmas ornaments. I hosted that on a sunny day a week ago. The next thing I decided to do was create a Christmas card from a drawing I did and write a heartfelt message to send to those I love. And I set the intention to not stress about Christmas gifts.  The perfect things will come to me to give to the people I want to. In years before, the gift giving took so much time and caused stress, so now I am simplifying, and it feels good.

The gift I will give to me is to spend some quiet time setting one major intention for the new year that will guide my decisions and bring me happiness in what I do. I have found that focusing on one specific intention works so much better than having lots or resolutions to keep track of.

And the most important thing I am doing the holidays is to take good care of myself.  I do this by eating well, going for walks, doing my morning practice of writing and meditating every day. I say yes to invitations, and I say no when that is the appropriate answer. I also am sure to hydrate and smile genuinely often!

What intention can you create? What new traditions can you establish? When will you say yes or no? What will you do to take good care of yourself and to engage with others? Make these holidays filled with love and happiness.  You can do this. I know you can!

 

You can join the Grief and Happiness Alliance which will meet weekly on Sundays by clicking here: https://www.griefandhappiness.com/offers/ytK7eLBa

You can order Loving and Living Your Way Through Grief by clicking here at Amazon.

You can listen to my podcast, Grief and Happiness, here. https://podcasts.apple.com/us/podcast/loving-and-living-your-way-through-grief-with/id1509589686?i=1000535381763

I would be happy to put you on the reminder list for or Writing Together Through Grief occurring on Saturdays each week by sending an email to me to emily@lovingandlivingyourwaythroughgrief.com and giving me your email address.

Join my Facebook group here.

The words that can provide comfort and support to others

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Every Saturday people come together to write through grief with me on Zoom. This week, I was so moved by what Rev. Rachel Hollander wrote that I asked if she would share it with us for my blog post this week, and she graciously said yes. Rev. Rachel is the President of the new Grief and Happiness Alliance Nonprofit Organization. She is amazing and is a gift to the organization. Her beautiful picture accompanies this blog.

If you would like to join us on Saturdays, please send me your email and I will put you on the Zoom invitation list.

 

Here we go….

Whatever you are feeling is completely acceptable.

If you want to cry, scream, laugh, rage, hide, smile, remember or forget.

It’s all acceptable.

There is no “wrong way” to grieve (unless, of course, you are harming yourself or another. In that case, call me).

If remembering feels good, brings up sweetness and sadness, go for it.

If remembering stings too much, let that go for now. There’s time.

BE GENTLE WITH YOURSELF!

Show yourself the same level of Compassion that you would show for a beloved friend.

HYDRATE! Crying and grieving can cause dehydration. Don’t make things worse for yourself. Hydrate.

Reach out – or don’t reach out – as much as you feel comfortable. You are in charge of your process.

If there are people you can trust, lean on them. If you’re unsure, call me.

Let go of judgment, time-lines, and all of the “shoulds.”

Everyone does this differently. And we each grieve different people differently.

There are no rules for this. Well, except to hydrate. That is really essential.

Understand that this is not a linear process. You won’t go from “bad” to “good.”

You’ll have easier days – or moments – and then challenging ones. It’s all ok. It’s all part of the experience.

When/if you’re able, be with patient with the well-meaning folks who say truly stupid or un-helpful things. They usually know not what they do.

Accept soup, rides, flowers, support.

And, if it all becomes too much, decline offers gently.

It might seem odd to have to care-take those who are not grieving. And, yet sometimes we need to try. Aim for tact.

AND – do not be afraid to get what you need: “Thank you for the offer. I really need some quiet time right now. It’s been a rough day.”

There is no time frame or limit on grief. If someone asks why you are “still” grieving, remind them of how lucky they are that they don’t understand.

When you’re able, create an altar or small space to remember your beloved. A photo, a token, a stone, whatever. Give them a place in your world.

And, lovingly, remember.

 

 

 

You can join the Grief and Happiness Alliance which will meet weekly on Sundays by clicking here: https://www.griefandhappiness.com/offers/ytK7eLBa

You can order Loving and Living Your Way Through Grief by clicking here at Amazon.

I would be happy to put you on the reminder list for or Writing Together Through Grief occurring on Saturdays each week by sending an email to me to emily@lovingandlivingyourwaythroughgrief.com and giving me your email address.

Join my Facebook group here.

Comfort, Support, Happiness, and Friends

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I am thrilled to announce the formation of The Grief and Happiness Alliance  which is a membership program where you can find comfort, support, happiness, and friends.

Everyone deals with grief and loss in their lifetimes. When you are in that situation, having friends to relate to who are also dealing with loss can make all the difference in how you feel.

While we grieve for the loss of a loved one, we also grieve many other losses in our lives like losing a job, getting divorced, suffering and injury, having a life-threatening diagnosis, or having a friend move away.  People deal with these losses in different ways. Some people isolate themselves so others won’t see their pain, others are openly sad and hurting, while others attempt to ignore the pain.  I have found that the best way to deal with loss is to pay attention to it and use healthy, constructive methods to help yourself.

Let me show you three ways you can start right now to help you feel better.

  1. Take good care of yourself. Often while dealing with grief or loss we forget to eat, or we eat too much. We may not pay attention to our personal appearance. We may not take care of where we live. We may not stay in contact with people. We may feel that no one could understand how you are feeling. Instead of dealing with what you are experiencing in these ways that do not serve you, try being gentle with yourself. Plan what you will be eating and make healthy choices. Get out in nature even if it is only a walk in the neighborhood. Call a friend just to talk, or write that friend a letter, a card, or an email to keep in touch. Take a nice hot shower or soak in a refreshing bath. Go shopping, even if it is only online, and buy yourself something new to wear that you know you will feel good wearing. Mostly, love your precious self up. You are so worth it.
  2. Set a goal for each day first thing when you get up. You can start small. Make sure that the goal you set is something you can do in one day. For instance, set a goal to get outside and walk to the corner and back, instead of setting a goal to spend an hour at the gym working out hard when you haven’t stepped into the gym for months. The more goals you accomplish, the better you will feel. Make a list of things you’d really like to do, then get started with one item on the list at a time.
  3. Laugh! If you need something to inspire your laughter, search on You Tube for funny animals. Or watch a funny movie. My aunt and uncle were in a car accident where she was severely injured, and he died. During her recovery, she watched the movie Patch Adams every day. I asked her if she was getting tired of watching it, and she said no.  She pointed out she couldn’t help but laugh at the funny parts and she loved the love and kindness that was demonstrated in the movie.  Find a movie or a book or a television show or a comedian that always makes you laugh then laugh all you can.

These three ways are just the start of all you can do to help yourself. They are all simple and mostly free. And the more you do each of them, the better you will feel. When you can start to focus on today, this moment, and do whatever you need to so that you can feel your best, each moment is easier than the last. When you focus on what you have lost, those moments will continue to get worse.

Would you like some help with all of this?  I have just what you need.

The Grief and Happiness Alliance is designed to support you in starting to move forward with your grief. Most people when dealing with grief and loss find themselves being mostly alone and not knowing what to do to feel any better. They also may be unfamiliar with the affect grieving can have on their lives, or maybe they do, but the grief they are dealing with now is bigger and more challenging. If this is you, participating in The Grief and Happiness Alliance can be a perfect experience. In the alliance, you will be meeting with others who are also dealing with loss. You are not alone. And you will experience ways to dealing with your grief by writing, by talking to each other, and by learning happiness practices that comfort and support you. Being listened to and listening to others often doesn’t happen when you are grieving, but the alliance is a place where you can do both., You will discover new friends, new ways to express yourself, and new happiness. And you will look forward to meeting online with The Grief and Happiness Alliance online that meets for an hour every week.

In The Grief and Happiness Alliance you can form comfortable relationships with new friends. You will have the opportunity to express emotions where you know you will be supported. Belonging to a group of people who share challenges like the ones you are experiencing, you will find opportunities to support each other. Each week we will do different writing and happiness practices that enable you to have tools to use to take care of yourself as you start moving forward. We will have occasional guests and enjoyable activities so there is always something new to experience.

As a member of the Alliance, you can create a notebook, either a hard copy or online, where you keep your writing and the PDF materials for class. This will be a special keepsake you can turn to for comfort as well as record your progress and your meaningful experiences along the way. You can stay in the Alliance for as long as you want to.

The Grief and Happiness Alliance is a membership program which is offered at no cost due to the generosity of the Grief and Happiness Alliance Nonprofit Organization.

Benefits of being a member of The Grief And Happiness Alliance:

  • Weekly group meetings which include happiness practices, writing sessions, and peer support.
  • Special activities and guests
  • Invitations to retreats
  • And more surprises along the way

When you sign up for The Grief And Happiness Alliance program today, you will immediately gain access to my online Grief, Love, Happiness, and Writing Haiku Poetry course for free.

Be sure join The Grief And Happiness Alliance now by clicking on this link: Grief and Happiness.

Our first meeting is Sunday November 14 at 10 AM Hawaii Standard Time, Noon PST, and 3 PM EST.

Be sure to share this information with anyone you know who could benefit from this program.

 

You can join the Grief and Happiness Alliance which will meet weekly starting November 14 by clicking here: https://www.griefandhappiness.com/offers/ytK7eLBa

 

You can order Loving and Living Your Way Through Grief by clicking here at Amazon.

I would be happy to put you on the reminder list for or Writing Together Through Grief occurring on Saturdays each week by sending an email to me to emily@lovingandlivingyourwaythroughgrief.com and giving me your email address.

Join my Facebook group here.

 

 

 

The Rhythm Reminders

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Our lives are full of rhythm. I have vivid memories of the sounds from my husband’s hospital bedside. The Darth Vader sounds from the Bi-Pap machine got me in touch with the constant rhythm of the breathing it forced. There were always call light alarms from other patients in the hallway seeking the attention of the scurrying nurses. The cardiac monitor’s rhythmic beeps were comforting with their assurance of his life. And each time the alarms on the monitor went off, a new wave of terror would ensue. What this it? Is this the time his heart would stop?

The constant sounds would alternate between keeping us awake and lulling us to sleep. Each of us responded in our own ways to the constant noise. Hearing his heartbeats beep, beep, beep from the monitor provided the assurance that he was still alive and not in immediate danger, but the screech of the alarms never stopped the panic that happened each time they went off.

Eventually, each time we visited the hospital, the rhythms became regular long enough for us to go home again. Home was so silent that we played music to distract us from the lack of sound. In bed, l loved to rest my head on his chest to listen to the reassurance of his breaths and heartbeats.

I was with both of my husbands at the moments of their transition. I witnessed their last breaths know that their hearts had stopped beating when their lungs stopped. The silence was deafening.

At home by myself, there was no more rhythm to check for. I so missed to life we shared. I started playing music most of the time I was awake, unknowingly seeking that rhythm of life. JS Bach’s concertos, fugues, and airs brought me peace. Air on a G String was especially grounding for me. I still listen to it when I am seeking peace.

I remembered hearing about EFT which stands for Emotional Freedom Technique tapping.  I researched it on the Internet and tried it out. EFT is an alternative treatment for physical and emotional pain, so tried it, and it helped.  Focusing of the rhythm of the taps of my fingers and moving those taps to different parts of my body spread the comfort.

Djembe drumming also assuaged the pain of the loss that crept into my daily life. I can easily sit and drum in my back yard, or when I want the solace of companionship, I can always take my djembe to a drum circle. Nobody taught me how to drum. I learned as I followed along with others who were drumming.

Rhythm is a constant reminder of our humanity. When the rhythm of our bodies finally becomes still, the rhythm of the living keeps on. Get in sync with your rhythm and move forward.

 

This links to JS Bach’s Air in G    https://youtu.be/5AaTCs7ulgg

This links to comforting drumming  https://youtu.be/LznxZDX7fo4

This links to more information about EFT.   https://www.healthline.com/health/eft-tapping#research

 

 

You can order Loving and Living Your Way Through Grief  by clicking here at Amazon.

I would be happy to put you on the reminder list for or Writing Together Through Grief occurring on Saturdays each week by sending an email to me to emily@lovingandlivingyourwaythroughgrief.com and giving me your email address.

Join my Facebook group here.

My Friend’s Departure

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I just received an email telling me that a friend I dearly love has “graduated from earth school.”  She had been dealing with health issues for a while. I knew they were serious, and I had been praying for her. I still feel shocked.

I met Rev. Dr. Joanna Thompson Gabriel when she found my online presence and joined my Writing Through Grief with Emily Facebook group.  I post a writing prompt in that group every Sunday, and she took this seriously.  She wrote beautiful long responses that she shared with the group. Her writing was always deep and inspiring. I even created a file on my computer where I could treasure her words and read them again when I am inspired to.

In September of 2020, we both were asked to present in a virtual women’s conference hosted by Unity Church in Lynnwood, Washington. We were surprised to see each other, and once we connected there, our relationship grew deeper. I was inspired to contact her many times, and each time she told me how important my support was to her and that I had reached her at a time she was most appreciative.

When I started my Writing Together Through Grief on Zoom group, she was one of the first to join us. In that group, every Saturday we write on a prompt that I share with the group, then we talk about what we wrote. She brought life to that group and inspired us all even surprising us sometimes

When I was inspired to create The Grief and Happiness Alliance, I set up a pilot group to try the program out and offer suggestions to make it a powerful program where people dealing with grief and loss could come together virtually every week to write about what they were going through, talk with peers in the group to support each other, and to learn a new happiness practice to help them discover how they could be happy and grieve at the same time. She was the first to agree to participate in the pilot.

Last Sunday was the last meeting of the pilot. The participants shared their support of what we created and were so enthused saying how they knew the program would provide so much comfort with those who would join us. Then spontaneously at the end of the meeting, Rev. Joanna spoke a most beautiful, powerful prayer proclaiming that the Alliance was already successful bringing tears to me.

Now as I have just learned of her transition, I have tears again thinking about how close we had become and how grateful I am for her love and support. And I am grateful for the opportunity to know her and be there for her as she was for me. She will always be a guardian angel for me.

My lesson here is to always reach out when you are inspired to. Don’t wait. Love and share all you can every opportunity you get.

I miss you already Rev. Joanna—

 

 

You can order Loving and Living Your Way Through Grief  by clicking here at Amazon.

I would be happy to put you on the reminder list for or Writing Together Through Grief occurring on Saturdays each week by sending an email to me to emily@lovingandlivingyourwaythroughgrief.com and giving me your email address.

Join my Facebook group here.

Lifelong Learning

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Often when people are dealing with loss, they isolate themselves and focus on their loss and sadness, and the more they do this, the harder it is to focus on anything else. When a feeling like this comes up, it’s time to make a choice to help yourself. Taking good care of you is your most important job.

When I realized that I hadn’t been doing anything, I started writing. I wrote about how I was feeling, and about what I wanted to do with the rest of my life. Then I started writing letters to my loved ones who had already transitioned. The more I wrote, the better I felt.  I continued to write every day and still do. The first thing I started on my own at that time was teaching others how to write to deal with their grief too.  I had taught writing for 30 years, so that seemed like a natural next step for me.  I enjoyed meeting new people and being able to help them.

I also realized that besides my writing group, I wasn’t talking to anyone or meeting anyone new. This was pre-pandemic. I started writing a list of things I would like to learn. As that list kept growing, I found myself excited about possibilities. I love to create things, so I looked for classes where I could learn something new.  I started with a drawing class at the local arts center, and I fell in love with colored pencils. I enjoyed that so much that I took more classes there: printmaking, jewelry making, advance ceramics skills, wreath making, watercolors and more!

Two places I always wanted to go were Tuscany and Bali. I found that the international ceramics group I belonged to was taking trips to both places, so I signed up for both.  I felt comfortable traveling with this group because the people in the group all shared my love for ceramics, and I loved the opportunity to meet artists in both countries and get to make ceramics to take home in their beautiful studios. I learned much about the countries and their arts before I left and learned much more in the countries.

When the shutdown came with the pandemic, I planted a giant vegetable garden so I would be able to share food with my friends since most of the food in Hawaii is shipped in and we were all were running low on food.  I learned about permaculture gardening and preparing new vegetables I hadn’t tried before, and I felt great about helping others.

I also discovered resources on my computer, like classes to take, classes I could teach, and sources I could learn from like TED Talks, which cover and endless number of fascinating topics. And I read books I never seemed to have time for before and watched movies that I had missed. There is so much information and entertainment in the world, so I found myself learning something new every day.

As I mentioned at the start of this blog, taking care of you is your most important job when dealing with grief. Take some time to consider all the things you would love to do.  Make a list and start checking it off.  This can bring you lots of happiness. I would love to hear how you have discovered how to spend your time doing new things you have never done before!

 

You can order Loving and Living Your Way Through Grief by clicking here at Amazon.

I would be happy to put you on the reminder list for or Writing Together Through Grief occurring on Saturdays each week by sending an email to me to emily@lovingandlivingyourwaythroughgrief.com and giving me your email address.

Join my Facebook group here.