The Grief and Happiness Alliance

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A Round Rainbow

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I see beautiful rainbows on Maui most days. Some rise from the ocean on one side of the island and dive down into the ocean on the other side of the island. Some are short swaths painted against a cloud, and others a giant double rainbow with a big bright rainbow in front and what seems to be a pale shadow in the back.

I live on the side of Haleakala volcano, so sometimes I see the top of a rainbow at the bottom of my property reminding me that I live over the rainbow. Some days I see multiple rainbows at the same time. On Christmas Eve one year, I got to bring my husband home from the hospital for one more Christmas we hadn’t been sure we would get to share.  On that trip home, we saw seven different rainbows.

The first time I saw Makawao Union Church, a glorious old stone church with a tall steeple, I saw I giant rainbow coming out of that steeple. And I have seen the end of a rainbow touch the ground many times. We even have a rainbow on our car license plates!

Recently I flew to Oahu on a day trip. The air was so clear, and the sparkling ocean was many shades of blue and green. As I was looking out the window, a puffy white cloud was floating by and I saw a reflection of the jet I was in surrounded by a rainbow in a perfect circle. My first instinct was that it was an optical illusion. It floated by quickly, so I couldn’t take a picture or share what I saw with the person sitting next to me. He was a film maker who makes outdoor movies, and he told me what I saw is real, and it is called a Glory.

He said that all rainbows are actually round, but almost all of the time we can just see what is above the surface. I googled it, and he was correct. And in most of the images I found online, there was a jet right in the middle of the circle.

As I gazed at the image of the Glory, I envisioned a Mexican folk art candle holder that we have which is called a circle of friends. The candle holder is a sculpture of several friends standing in a circle, arms interlocked, indicating the close bond of friendship. When a votive candle is burned in the center of the circle as the symbol of a bonfire, shadows can be cast so the friends seem to be dancing. When a friend gives this candle holder to another friend, it solidifies their bond of friendship for life.

As I considered this experience, the Glory and the circle of friends melded to create seven concentric circles of friends, each representing a different culture and color of the rainbow, surrounding the earth with love and friendship. I could hear them singing John Lennon’s song Imagine,

“Imagine all the people . . . .

Livin’ for today . . . .

Livin’ life in peace . . . .

No need for greed or hunger . . . .

Sharing all the world . . . .

You may say I’m a dreamer,

But I’m not the only one

I hope someday you’ll join us

And the world will live as one.”

 

While there is much beauty in the world we can see, we often see only what we expect to, but if we are open and receptive, we can experience so much more. I don’t know about you, but I’ll never look at a rainbow the same way again.

 

 

You can join the Grief and Happiness Alliance which meets weekly on Sundays by clicking here.

You can order Loving and Living Your Way Through Grief by clicking here at Amazon:

You can listen to my podcast, Grief and Happiness, by clicking here

You can order the International Best Selling book in 9 countries in that I wrote a chapter, Ignite Forgiveness, by clicking here

Outside In

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Mourning and grief are different. Mourning is the outside expression of grief while grieving is what you feel on the inside.

Think of a time when a loved one died in the past or a time when you were with someone dealing with the death of a loved one. What outside indications of mourning have you observed?

The Gaelic tradition of keening is when women wail together loudly, expressing and releasing the sorrow they feel with the loss of a loved one.

An old tradition in Spain was when the male head of the family died, the women wore black for the rest of their lives, and they no longer went outside their houses.

Jewish people sit shiva when a parent, spouse, child, or sibling dies. The Shiva lasts for 7 days and has lots of traditional rules to follow.

Many cultures and religions have their own traditions where people outwardly demonstrate their mourning. While I didn’t have a tradition of how to mourn, I found myself sobbing until I could catch my breath, then I became silent and didn’t feel like talking.

How do you mourn? How have you observed others who mourn?

Grief is different from mourning. Mourning is mostly done in the presence of others. Grieving, however, is a personal, inside experience.

Grieving can happen before death as in anticipatory grief, it may seem brief, it may diminish over time, or it can last a lifetime.

As people transition from mourning into grief, feelings tend to become less apparent to observers.

Allowing ourselves to deal with our feelings helps them to dissipate. Failing to experience grief may cause physical and emotional symptoms, so paying attention to how you feel is essential.

Some tips for ways to take good care of yourself while grieving are:

  • Read good books about dealing with grief.
  • Write in a journal every day.
  • Express your gratitude often.
  • Forgive yourself for anything you need to.
  • Find or create a group of people also grieving to support each other.

Most importantly, do something. Grief does not go away when you ignore it, so take good care of yourself. Release the inside experience of grief allowing yourself more room for happiness.

 

You can join the Grief and Happiness Alliance which meets weekly on Sundays by clicking here.

You can order Loving and Living Your Way Through Grief by clicking here at Amazon:

You can listen to my podcast, Grief and Happiness, by clicking here

You can order the International Best Selling book in 9 countries that I wrote a chapter in, Ignite Forgiveness, by clicking here

Tenacity

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My mom loved to do crossword puzzles, the really big 1,000 piece puzzles.  She would spread them out on the dining room table, and we’d be eating off TV trays in the living room. Sometimes I’d sit with her and try to help, but I’ve got to admit, they were somewhat overwhelming.  Mom was tenacious though. She always finished each puzzle.

Eventually, when the puzzle was complete, it would be swept back into the box. I always wondered what it would be like if the whole puzzle fell to the floor, breaking into 1,000 pieces. Picking up each little piece would be tedious, and some pieces were sure to go missing.

Grief can feel like that puzzle broken on the floor. The person grieving would search for every piece, but it would take a while, and some pieces may never be found. One would think there has got to be an easier way, and there is. By making a conscious choice to do what you need to so you can move forward in your life, you will start to feel better.

The two main things you can do at this point in your grieving process are to pay attention and to get out of your own way. Pay attention to experiences you have, to thoughts that come to you, and to feelings that linger. Journaling helped me more than anything else especially early on.  During this tender time, we are likely to feel blank and empty or easily overwhelmed, so writing about these feelings when they happen can be helpful.

What occurs for you may vary.  You could have the experience of friends fading away as they go on with their lives, or the lack of motivation to get out of your bed, or eating too much or too little. You may be overwhelmed by thoughts about what to do next or how you will ever be able to move forward. Feelings of loneliness, sorrow, or hopelessness can dominate every waking moment. The good news is, there is a way to deal with all of this.

First recognize that you are in control, though it may not feel that way. We tell ourselves things like “I can’t do this,” I don’t know what to do,” or “I am too tired to do anything.” These are all examples of getting in your own way.  The first step is to eliminate all this negative self-talk. Make a decision to notice when your monkey mind starts whispering in your ear saying things like “I can’t,” or “I don’t.” Change those thoughts as soon as they come to you. Flip the direction to “I can,” “I do,” or “I am.”  Then follow through with your new intention.

Everything you experience is either positive or negative. Feeling both at the same time is impossible. Joy and pain do not exist in the same moment. Keep this in the front of your mind and focus on what you will experience.

Now pay attention to what is happening and get out of your way. Be a tenacious person who never gives up or stops trying.  You can do this. Start now.

 

 

You can join the Grief and Happiness Alliance which meets weekly on Sundays by clicking here.

You can order Loving and Living Your Way Through Grief by clicking here at Amazon:

You can listen to my podcast, Grief and Happiness, by clicking here

You can order the International Best Selling book in 9 countries that I wrote a chapter in, Ignite Forgiveness, by clicking here

Balance

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Life is a delicate balance. We breathe in. We breathe out. Our hearts beat. Our hearts relax after each beat. We are awake. We sleep. For every action, there is a counteraction. This balance allows our bodies and hearts to live, to thrive.

When a loved one dies, our balance is thrown off. As we mourn, our balance is askew. Think of old-fashioned balance scales where 2 pans hang down from a bar. What you want to weigh goes on one pan and weights are added to the other pan until both pans are at the same level.

When death occurs, people mourn. The people who are closest to the person who died usually mourn the deepest. Picture yourself on one side of the scale and your loved one on the other side. When your loved one dies, they leave the scale causing your side of the scale to fall to the lowest point, completely out of balance.

The process of grieving allows you to place what helps you on the other side of the scale gradually bringing the scale back into balance. In early grief, you are at the lowest of the low, and when you are ready, you start discovering what you need to bring you back into balance. You start with the basics.

Your body takes care of itself by drawing air into your lungs. Paying attention to your breathing allows you comfort. You can control your breathing to a certain extent, and closing your eyes and taking deep breaths helps you reset. Your heart beats to keep your body functioning. The stress of grief can cause the heart to beat faster and the blood pressure to rise. Focusing on deep breathing and relaxing can help to normalize both of these.

Your metaphorical heart may feel broken, and love can help mend that break.   Healing comes from receiving the love that your friends and family bring to you as you deal with your loss. Just as important is the love that you reflect on these people. Taking time to recognize that giving and receiving love brings you strength and gives you comfort.

Pay attention to what brings the balance that you crave back to you. Everything you do, even if it feels ordinary, contributes to your balance. Remembering to eat, to walk, to sleep, to bathe all contributes to leveling those scales. The more you enjoy these ordinary things, the sooner the scales will level.

Focus on what serves you, what heals you, and your balance will return.

 

Get your Awaken Your Happiness Journaling Guide at no charge by clicking here: https://www.griefandhappiness.com/pl/2147595767

You can join the Grief and Happiness Alliance which meets weekly on Sundays by clicking here: https://www.griefandhappiness.com/offers/ytK7eLBa

You can order Loving and Living Your Way Through Grief by clicking here at Amazon:

https://www.amazon.com/Loving-Living-Your-Though-Grief/dp/1642504823/ref=tmm_pap_swatch_0?_encoding=UTF8&qid=1658356016&sr=8-1

You can listen to my podcast, Grief and Happiness, here: https://podcasts.apple.com/us/podcast/loving-and-living-your-way-through-grief-with/id1509589686?i=1000535381763

You can order the International Best Selling book in 9 countries that I wrote a chapter in, Ignite Forgiveness, here:

https://smile.amazon.com/Ignite-Forgiveness-Journey-Peace-Harmony-ebook/dp/B0BLFCYYD6/ref=sr_1_1?crid=9C6VAFE42H5C&keywords=ignite+forgiveness+book&qid=1669836040&sprefix=Ignite+forg%2Caps%2C284&sr=8-1

Kindness

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My good friend Reverend Richard Carlini once said, “Become highly responsive to a kindness done.” I hadn’t really thought about kindness from that perspective before. I focus on being kind, but now I’ve realized the importance of receiving as well as giving.

Think about the last time someone did something kind for you.  Maybe a friend asked you to go on a walk with her.  Or maybe a friend shared something with you she baked or some vegetables she picked from her garden. Or someone called just to see how you are doing. How did you respond?

For some people, giving just comes naturally with no thought of receiving recognition or thanks in return. While others do something they believe is kind just because they want or need acknowledgment. I have got to admit, that sometimes I don’t even recognize the significance of a beautiful, kind action. I am making a commitment right now to start paying attention.

I knew a man who created a big campaign to encourage people to practice random acts of kindness. He was a college professor and started the project by making it an assignment for his classes.  This became a movement and people were happily competing to see who could be most kind.  They especially loved doing things surreptitiously so they could just experience the joy of giving with no expectation.

A movie came out in 2000 called Pay It Forward. I’ve remembered it after all these years because it was such a great idea. A teacher created a Social Studies assignment to create something to change the world. And one student came up with the idea that when someone receives a kindness, instead of doing something to pay back that kindness, the receiver would do new good deeds for three other people, thus multiplying the initial kindness. I loved that idea and started putting it in action in my life.

I encourage you to consider the kindness in your life that you give and that you receive. How can you appreciate acts of kindness? How can you become “highly responsive to a kindness”? Know that paying attention and being benevolent is a sure way to bring you more smiles and spread happiness!

 

You can join the Grief and Happiness Alliance which meets weekly on Sundays by clicking here.

You can order Loving and Living Your Way Through Grief by clicking here at Amazon:

You can listen to my podcast, Grief and Happiness, by clicking here

You can order the International Best Selling book in 9 countries that I wrote a chapter in, Ignite Forgiveness, by clicking here

Positively!

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When you always speak only positive words, you will be happy! I realize that is a bold statement, yet it is true, and it was a hard lesson for me to learn. You may say “I am always positive,” but are you really?

Here is an example.  Compare “I don’t like to eat liver” to “I love to eat fresh Hawaiian bananas.” Those two sentences feel different when you read them because of that little contraction where not is hidden. Not is so frequently used, and it is definitely negative.

How often do you use words like: not, apathetic, dishonest, anxious, betrayed, disappointed, lied, jealous, bad, malicious?  Doesn’t it  just feel icky, another negative word, just to read these words? Just like that phrase “Be careful what you wish for,” when you speak or think or write negative words, that’s what you get.

When grieving, you may say something like “I’ll never fall in love again,” or “I’ll always be alone,” or “my heart is broken.” When you say these statements, guess what you get? Accidental manifestation is something that happens unconsciously when we dwell in negativity. When you say, “Finding new friends is hard,” new friends are unlikely to be in your future.

Think about it. When do you use negative words? I learned to catch myself when I am writing so I can change the meaning of my statement by eliminating what is negative, changing my statement to what I really mean.

Try this experiment today.  Notice when you say something negative. Keep a list of negative words you catch when you are communicating.  When you notice a negative word, change your statement into something positive.  For instance, if you say, “I’m not going to drive on that road because there are so many accidents,” try saying instead, “I am going to drive on the new road with the lower speed limit.”

People grieving often find themselves dwelling in negativity and long to be happy again. Changing how you are feeling will come from focusing on being positive. Instead of saying “My friend never calls me,” pick up the phone and call your friend. Say something like, “I am thinking of you and wanted to hear your voice and see how you are doing.”

You can raise your happiness level by speaking positive words and believing what you say.  You can do this! You will be so happy you did!

 

You can join the Grief and Happiness Alliance which meets weekly on Sundays by clicking here.

You can order Loving and Living Your Way Through Grief by clicking here at Amazon:

You can listen to my podcast, Grief and Happiness, by clicking here

You can order the International Best Selling book in 9 countries that I wrote a chapter in, Ignite Forgiveness, by clicking here