The Grief and Happiness Alliance

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Unwritten

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I watched the series And Just Like That this weekend.  It’s the continuation of Sex in the City, and I watched it because it dealt with Grief.  At the very end of the series, Carry said “And the rest is still unwritten.”  That took me right back to my early grief with Jacques when Natasha Bedingfield’s song, Unwritten, was popular. At that time, I adopted that song as my anthem.   The first words of the song are:

I am unwrittenCan’t read my mindI’m undefinedI’m just beginningThe pen’s in my handEnding unplanned

That was me.  Up until that point in my life, Jacques and I had planned things together. Of course, we knew his health was fading, but we met each day like the one before. I don’t remember ever considering that he wouldn’t always be there.  And Just Like That, he was gone.

I spent countless hours considering what I should do. I had resigned from my teaching career at the university so that I could create my huge theatre project, and I had donated all of that project into a nonprofit organization to able to stay home with Jacques. So what now?

I spent a lot of time crocheting. And daydreaming. And wondering what I could possibly do? I had lots to deal with. I lost my health insurance because I was covered under Jacques’s plan.  I was living in our four-bedroom house with a pool which I felt overwhelmed dealing with by myself. I had a drunken wife abusing next door neighbor who frightened me, and I seemed to be making up all kinds of things to be worried about. But mostly I just sat.

Then I noticed the words to Unwritten:

Reaching for something in the distanceSo close you can almost taste itRelease your inhibitionsFeel the rain on your skinNo one else can feel it for youOnly you can let it inNo one else, no one elseCan speak the words on your lipsDrench yourself in words unspokenLive your life with arms wide openToday is where your book beginsThe rest is still unwritten

With that song in my head, I started paying attention to what was real instead of what I’d been making up. I opened up to thinking about my future, realizing that I didn’t have to know exactly what I wanted it to be right then.  I could dream, I could imagine, I could desire. Everything was up to me. Seeing that the fresh grief was probably the lowest point I could go, I knew it was time to start looking up.

And I did. I let my good friend Yvonne help me shop for houses till I found the perfect place for just me. I said yes when the university invited me back to teach which also solved my insurance issue.  I learned to say yes to other invitations all for new experiences I wouldn’t have thought of on my own.

Then I knew, that was where my book began, and I planned to enjoy where my life took me. I started writing my own story right then.

Are you writing your book?

 

Unwritten Video

Unwritten Lyrics

 

You can join the Grief and Happiness Alliance which meets weekly on Sundays by clicking here.

You can order Loving and Living Your Way Through Grief by clicking here at Amazon:

You can listen to my podcast, Grief and Happiness, by clicking here

You can order the International Best Selling book in 9 countries that I wrote a chapter in, Ignite Forgiveness, by clicking here

The Key to Happiness

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I recently heard that the key to happiness has only five words: Do the things you love. How simple, yet profound.  I decided to make a list of things I do, or have done, that make me happy. Once I got started with my list. I couldn’t stop! I’ll share some of my list here to give you some ideas.

I love being outdoors, sitting on my lanai listening to the birds, walking on the beach where I live in Maui, watching the sunrises and sunsets from my home.

I love traveling to places like Tuscany, Bali, and Maui which led me to moving here.

I love writing so I have taught writing for many years and have written six books. Nurturing my students as their love for writing grows makes me happy.

I love cooking which led me to become a certified vegan chef, to teach cooking classes, and to entertain my friends and family. And I co-owned a café and catering company.

I love to grow food and flowers that I can share, so I created Produce Share where neighbors meet every week at my home to share the abundance of our gardens. And I joined Hawaii Farmer’s Union United so I can learn so much more about gardening in Hawaii

I have loved everything about live theatre since I first stepped on stage as Tiny Tim’s big brother in A Christmas Carol at the Barn Theater when I was in fourth grade.  I have since acted, directed, designed, produced, and have done just about everything that can be done in theatre including having my own theatre and school of arts.

I love community service and have served on many nonprofit boards and founded the Grief and Happiness Nonprofit Organization.

I love to be creative and enjoy ceramic sculpting, weaving, drawing, painting, sewing, cake decorating, jewelry making, and taking classes in all these areas.

This list is just a start.  I keep thinking of more and more things that I do that I love. Even thinking about all the things I love just gets me thinking about more things I love, and I can’t help but smile and focus on all the wonder and beauty in my life.

While life is not always rosy, when I start to feel a little down or negative, I can always add more items to my Things I Love list, and that brings me right back up.

My challenge for you today is to start your own Things I Love list.  And while it’s great to think about this, writing it down is even better, then you can always refer to and add to this list bring even more happiness into your life.

Enjoy!

 

Watch this little video My Favorite Things

 

You can join the Grief and Happiness Alliance which meets weekly on Sundays by clicking here.

You can order Loving and Living Your Way Through Grief by clicking here at Amazon:

You can listen to my podcast, Grief and Happiness, by clicking here

You can order the International Best Selling book in 9 countries that I wrote a chapter in, Ignite Forgiveness, by clicking here

Playing

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I was on a Zoom call this week with someone who I have been working with on a big project. I said something that indicated my age, and she was shocked. She was just amazed that I am as old as I am. I was tickled, but it led me to think about how I appear to people. I started thinking about people I know who are years younger than I am, but to me they seem older.  I also have friends who are older that I am who look younger. I wondered why this happens.

My mother seemed older than her years, and I attribute that to beliefs she had of how things should be. She wore her hair short and had it done at a beauty salon every week where it was sprayed so heavily that it looked the same by the next week when she returned to have it done again. When I reached a certain age, she encouraged me to do the same. She was so disappointed that I let my hair grown long.  She also dressed a certain way that she deemed appropriate for her age.

My mother’s example to me was inspiration to do the opposite. I love to wear bright colors in any style I choose.  I wear basically shorts and sundresses since I live in Hawaii. I love game night with friends. I love to be outside and go for walks to enjoy the wonders of Maui. And I still teach writing online at California State University in Bakersfield, so I am frequently interacting with young people and having great conversations.

How would you define “acting your age”? Sometimes I feel old when I don’t have the energy I’d like, and other times I feel ageless when laughing with friends.  I love the creative challenge of keeping up with my social media for my book and the Grief and Happiness Alliance. I also love taking classes in anything that interests me like speed reading and drawing. And I love to get lost in a good book or movie. I smile much when I am doing any of these things.

All I enjoy doing feels like playing to me. I do what I love to do, not what I have to do. I heard someone say, “It’s not that you stop playing because you are getting older, it’s that you get older because you stop playing.” That rings true for me. Playing brings much happiness to my life, so I play lots and feel so much younger than my birth date says.

I hope you play too!

 

You can join the Grief and Happiness Alliance which meets weekly on Sundays by clicking here.

You can order Loving and Living Your Way Through Grief by clicking here at Amazon:

You can listen to my podcast, Grief and Happiness, by clicking here

You can order the International Best Selling book in 9 countries that I wrote a chapter in, Ignite Forgiveness, by clicking here

 

 

Writing Through Trauma

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This Sunday was a beautiful winter day in Hawaii with the temperature in the 70’s and the sky blue with white, puffy clouds. I facilitated a meeting of the Grief and Happiness Alliance that went so well.  The meeting felt good. I felt that each participant had been touched in a way that brought them comfort. That was my goal.

After the meeting I heard a gut-wrenching sound from outside. My dear friend from across the street was yelling at her dog to stop, and the next sound I heard was of her agony. I rushed to her side in the street where she knelt with her precious dog.  Neighbors ran out to help, and I snapped into emergency mode like I had done so many times as an EMT on ambulance calls to accidents. We worked together to dispatch the dog and the family to the emergency veterinarian, when just like that, all the people were gone, and I was alone in the street. As the adrenalin wore off, I saw that I had a job to do.  I couldn’t have my friends come home to the scene on the road, so I got out my hose and broom.

All too soon they were back home without the one who had been their constant, loving companion. We sat together sharing that tremendous immediate grief, with tears, hugs, and Kleenex. Feeling like my breath had been taken away, I eventually went home. I was shaking and struggling to not fall apart. When this grief hit, my past grief and trauma came flooding back to me. I couldn’t sleep that night with the inflammation that comes with stress causing everything to hurt.  Finally, at 4 AM, I gave up trying to sleep, but my thoughts wouldn’t stop.  I always start my morning practice with meditation, but this morning I couldn’t get started with that.

I knew I had to do something, so I got out my journal and my words flowed on to the page.  I wrote, and wrote, and wrote. As I finished with one thought, another started that needed to be revealed. I don’t know how long I wrote, but the writing gradually slowed till I knew it was time to stop. As the writing slowed, so did my breath and my tension. I felt the physical release of my muscles being able to relax. I did some slow, conscious breathing and felt a lightness and peace enter my being and was so relieved.

When I help others with grief, I suggest different forms of writing because I know how much it helps.  With the writing I did with this experience, I discovered profound comfort that I don’t know I could have found any other way. This reinforced for me not only the importance of writing to deal with grief, but also the necessity of it. And writing can be used at any time with grief from anticipatory grief to the grief that pops us years after the initial cause.

What I wrote in my journal was not for anyone else to see, and I doubt that I will go back and read it. The cleansing that came from that writing was so powerful that I was able to allow myself to shift away from the disabling thoughts my monkey mind was screaming, to the quiet of the peace that comes with acceptance.  I will always miss that precious dog. He visited me often and was part of my Ohana, the Hawaiian word for family.

The good news here is that we can all move through initial trauma by practicing the best self-care. And writing out your feelings is a great way to get started.

 

 

Get your Awaken Your Happiness Journaling Guide at no charge by clicking here: https://www.griefandhappiness.com/pl/2147595767

You can join the Grief and Happiness Alliance which meets weekly on Sundays by clicking here: https://www.griefandhappiness.com/offers/ytK7eLBa

You can order Loving and Living Your Way Through Grief by clicking here at Amazon:

https://www.amazon.com/Loving-Living-Your-Though-Grief/dp/1642504823/ref=tmm_pap_swatch_0?_encoding=UTF8&qid=1658356016&sr=8-1

You can listen to my podcast, Grief and Happiness, here: https://podcasts.apple.com/us/podcast/loving-and-living-your-way-through-grief-with/id1509589686?i=1000535381763

You can order the International Best Selling book in 9 countries that I wrote a chapter in, Ignite Forgiveness, here:

https://smile.amazon.com/Ignite-Forgiveness-Journey-Peace-Harmony-ebook/dp/B0BLFCYYD6/ref=sr_1_1?crid=9C6VAFE42H5C&keywords=ignite+forgiveness+book&qid=1669836040&sprefix=Ignite+forg%2Caps%2C284&sr=8-1

New Year, New You

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While time may seem to stand still while in early grief, it will start picking up speed. Now, each year now seems to fly by faster than the last. The good news is there are ways you can more effectively deal with time to make it your friend.

I know I say this often, but I learned by experience to stay focused on the moment. By being present in each moment, a moment at a time is manageable. In this moment, I am writing to you to help you feel better as I listen to Yo-Yo Mah play Bach on his cello, with the birds in my yard singing cheery songs to each other while feeling a light cool breeze on a sunny day with blue skies. What a lovely way to spend these moments with you.

When you fill your life with all that is good and beautiful, there’s not so much room left to slide into the blues.  Look around you right now and identify 10 good and/or beautiful things you enjoy. While you did this little exercise, I doubt you had room left in your moment for any sadness to sneak in. How easy was that!

I love to make lists because I learn so much from them. You could make a list of 5 things you love to eat that you haven’t had in a while. Then plan how to work those 5 things into your food planning for this week.  Things on my list would be things like marmalade; fresh baked bread; spinach salad with strawberries, goat cheese, and poppyseed dressing; homemade pizza, and Ben and Jerry’s Chunky Monkey ice cream of course.

Try writing a list of friends you’d like to talk to, then call them or invite them out for coffee. Or you could make a list of movies you’d like to see or books you’d like to read. Or make a list of creative things you’d like to try.  I taught myself how to paint watercolor flowers by watching YouTube videos, and I taught myself how to draw by taking a class at a local art center. The gist here is to do something. Anything. Get creative and see what you come up with, then do it!

After my husband died, I realized that the new year was approaching, and I decided I had to make a change. I had been spending way too much of my time alone, not doing anything in particular. In the past I had made New Year’s Resolutions, but like most of us, I forgot what most of them were by the end of January.  I decided that I would set one intention for the year and stick to it.  I just had to figure out what that intention would be. What came to me was to accept invitations. I hadn’t been receiving any invitations, but my feeling was so strong to make this my intention that I decided to give it a try.

Some of the invitations were for little things and others were huge, and I had an amazing time with all I did. I realized that I actually had some invitations before this, but then I automatically turned them down because I was grieving and didn’t want to be a wet blanket. Giving up that sad story allowed me to do things I wouldn’t have dreamed of before from watching a movie my friend suggested, to going to a Patti LaBelle concert, to being on the Ethics Committee for the local medical center, to driving the follow car for a 24-hour bicycle race, to creating a film festival, to going to South Africa! Whew! That’s a lot, but I did even more.

My intention became to say yes first, then allow myself to figure things out. This year of Yes changed my life.  I found that I enjoyed my job teaching at the university much more, I made new friends, I found a new place for me to live, and I smiled. I smiled a lot. My aches and pains and physical complaints melted away. I felt so much better.  And I felt so good, that I found it easy to stay positive and live my life full out in a way that supported me and made me happy, so I have kept it up.

This year my intention was to publish another book and become a best-selling author. I became an international best-selling author when I wrote a chapter for Ignite Forgiveness and that intention came true the first weekend that was published.  And I am finishing up my next book that is being published in March. If you asked me after either of my husband’s died if I would ever do all the things I listed here, I wouldn’t have believed you. But I did all this and much more by learning to say yes and believe that I could fulfill the intentions I make.

As you look at this upcoming year, decide what intention you are going to write. Try choosing just one knowing that it will happen. And when it does, choose another. Your beautiful, surprising life is just waiting for you to say YES!

 

Get your Awaken Your Happiness Journaling Guide at no charge by clicking here: https://www.griefandhappiness.com/pl/2147595767

You can join the Grief and Happiness Alliance which meets weekly on Sundays by clicking here: https://www.griefandhappiness.com/offers/ytK7eLBa

You can order Loving and Living Your Way Through Grief by clicking here at Amazon:

https://www.amazon.com/Loving-Living-Your-Though-Grief/dp/1642504823/ref=tmm_pap_swatch_0?_encoding=UTF8&qid=1658356016&sr=8-1

You can listen to my podcast, Grief and Happiness, here: https://podcasts.apple.com/us/podcast/loving-and-living-your-way-through-grief-with/id1509589686?i=1000535381763

You can order the International Best Selling book in 9 countries that I wrote a chapter in, Ignite Forgiveness, here:

https://smile.amazon.com/Ignite-Forgiveness-Journey-Peace-Harmony-ebook/dp/B0BLFCYYD6/ref=sr_1_1?crid=9C6VAFE42H5C&keywords=ignite+forgiveness+book&qid=1669836040&sprefix=Ignite+forg%2Caps%2C284&sr=8-1

Finding Happiness During The Holidays

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If you are anticipating that your holidays will not be the same as they were before, you are correct. They won’t be the same, yet when you look at all your holidays past, none of them were the same. Now is the time to take really good care of yourself and create the holidays you would like to have this year.

Consider what is most important to you during the season. Prioritize what you would love to experience.  Here are some ideas.

  • What holiday event have you always wanted to go to but for some reason, it didn’t fit into your plans in the past.
    • Have you been to a live performance of the Nutcracker Ballet?
    • How about a performance of Handle’s Messiah?
    • Maybe there is a local play or choir concert.
  • What could you do to serve those less fortunate where you live?
    • Maybe you could plan a pampering day for women in a local shelter.
    • If you’d like a big holiday dinner, who can you invite who would have been alone at dinner time?
    • Is there a local food drive you could make a part of your new holiday tradition?
  • Maybe you could do something special for the children in your family or neighborhood.
    • Gathering children to do a craft project to create a paper chain where they write their wishes on the links could be fun.
    • You could gather some children and read positive stories to them.
    • You could accompany children to go caroling around the neighborhood or to a senior center
    • Schedule selfcare just to pamper you.
    • Schedule a manicure or a facial.
    • Invite a friend you’d love to spend some time with to coffee or to lunch.
    • Go someplace you have never been before for the holidays

On every holiday, I write a letter to who I am grieving. In my case, there are several people, so there are several letters.  I take my time with each letter writing out whatever I want to tell them.  Sometimes I have tears when I write the letters, and just as often, I smile.  I open my heart and reflect on how my life is going, and most times, despite some sorrow, I feel better each time I write the letters.

My favorite part of my letter writing is that after I write each letter, I write a second letter from the person I wrote to back to me. I don’t think about what I write or judge what I am saying.  I just let my thoughts flow, and when I finish the letter, I take a deep breath, and then I read that letter.  This is a time of discovery for me. I reflect on the depth of love, respect, caring, and kindness of the loved ones I am corresponding with. And I know each of them is always in my heart forever.

Instead of anticipating sorrow for the season, focus on planning joy. Focus on your precious self. When you take good care of yourself first, you can relish in the discover of the joy and positivity that will flow your way.

 

 

Get your Awaken Your Happiness Journaling Guide at no charge by clicking here: https://www.griefandhappiness.com/pl/2147595767

You can join the Grief and Happiness Alliance which meets weekly on Sundays by clicking here: https://www.griefandhappiness.com/offers/ytK7eLBa

You can order Loving and Living Your Way Through Grief by clicking here at Amazon:

https://www.amazon.com/Loving-Living-Your-Though-Grief/dp/1642504823/ref=tmm_pap_swatch_0?_encoding=UTF8&qid=1658356016&sr=8-1

You can listen to my podcast, Grief and Happiness, here: https://podcasts.apple.com/us/podcast/loving-and-living-your-way-through-grief-with/id1509589686?i=1000535381763

You can order the International Best Selling book in 9 countries that I wrote a chapter in, Ignite Forgiveness, here:

https://smile.amazon.com/Ignite-Forgiveness-Journey-Peace-Harmony-ebook/dp/B0BLFCYYD6/ref=sr_1_1?crid=9C6VAFE42H5C&keywords=ignite+forgiveness+book&qid=1669836040&sprefix=Ignite+forg%2Caps%2C284&sr=8-1