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Stepping Stones

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I recently read this quote from author Robert Brumet: “We open the door to healing when we see our suffering as a steppingstone rather than a stumbling block.” This made me think of the grieving process. Often in early grief we don’t worry about rocks because we find ourselves just sitting or even in bed. Then comes the time that we must come back to life.

The first step is to convince ourselves where we want to go or what we want to do. If we have a job, that timing may be decided for us. Our stumbling block here may be other people who are concerned about how to talk to us, and they may say hurtful or thoughtless things unintentionally. Or they may not talk to us at all not knowing what to say.  When this happened to me, I tended to work in my office with the door closed which didn’t help me or them.

When one of my husbands died, I was teaching an online summer writing class for the university.  Most of my students were from Saudi Arabia. I was only able to take a couple of days off and I felt I needed to let my students know that I might need a little patience from them, so I wrote them an email explaining what happened.  Each of my students wrote a kind email to me with the most beautiful writing they had done all summer.

I’ve heard sad stories of supervisors and bosses who have no tolerance for people dealing with grief. This can be so hard, and it can end with you quitting that job and moving forward to another job. That may be just the steppingstone you need at that time.

If you aren’t working, consider what you would really want to do.  What could get you up in the morning with a smile? You get to choose what to do. Start by making a list of anything you would like to do or try. Make a big list with anything you want to include. Then choose your favorite thing on the list and do that first! Just relax and have fun!

You don’t need stumbling blocks to move forward. Know that no matter what you choose to do, as long as you make the choice to do whatever it is, you can find yourself skipping down the steppingstones with joy.

If Only

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Have you experienced times when the things you desired felt beyond your reach? You may have said something like “if only I had enough money to pay all my bills”, or “if only I could get the job I wanted,” or “if only he (or she) hadn’t died.” Do these thoughts help you? Probably not.

When grieving, we are dealing with the death of a loved one, or any kind of deep loss, we can feel out of balance, like nothing is quite right. That happens because you are in unfamiliar territory, so you are searching for someone or something to fill in the gaps. However, someone or something else will never take the place of what is now missing.

The good news is you do not have to fill that gap. Things won’t automatically change to become the way they were before, so the best you can do now is to stop trying to make that happen. When you release the idea of the possibility that you can go back in time and make things different, that will allow you to start living in the moment now.

Try setting an intention to live the life you truly desire now. For instance, your intention could be “I spend my time doing what I love to do.” This intention leaves you open to new possibilities. For instance, maybe you love horses, but you feel you don’t have time to enjoy being with a horse and tending to it. In setting the intention to do what you love to do, you discover a course in equine therapy. Taking that course allows you to change your career, pay for your horse related expenses as well as have more money to live on than you do now, and spend lots of time with your horse while helping people in such a positive way.

Where do your interests lie? What would you love to do every day? Where would you love to do that? I created my own podcast where I can work from home, and I get to talk to people from all over the world. Maybe you could take classes you have always wanted to. Or maybe you could travel, or maybe you could volunteer for a local nonprofit.

Now is the time to immerse yourself in something you would love to do. Focus on that and soon you can notice yourself moving forward in your grief.

I’d love to hear about what you pursue.

 

The Grief and Happiness Alliance

Loving and Living Your Way Through Grief

My email is emily@griefandhappiness.com

Let me know if you’d like to receive my newsletters which have lots of good things!

You can listen to my podcast here.

You can join the Grief and Happiness Alliance Gatherings which meet weekly on Sundays by clicking here

You can order the International Best Selling The Grief and Happiness Handbook by clicking here.

You can order The Grief and Happiness Cards by clicking here.

You can order Loving and Living Your Way Through Grief by clicking here.

 

 

Our Loving Will Change the World

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Our Loving Will Change the World 

 I live in Hawaii and love the culture and traditions here. I learned the ancient Hawaiian tradition of Ho’oponopono when I participated in Marci Shimoff’s Happy for No Reason Certified Trainer program. This tradition had been used widely to resolve issues and practice forgiveness in places from families to government.

One powerful example was when Hawaii had a prison for the criminally insane. The prisoners were violent, and the prison was constantly in turmoil. A doctor was brought in to help with the problem. Instead of working directly with the patients, he read their files and practiced Ho’oponopono as he read each one. As he kept doing this, the prisoners started to calm down. Gradually, they became cooperative and one by one they were released from this special prison and this prison was able to close.

The forgiveness entrenched in the practice worked this miracle. The good news is anyone can do this practice which isn’t confined strictly to Kahunas, the spiritual leaders in Hawaii. To practice Ho’oponopono, concentrate on the person you wish to forgive and say:

I am sorry

Please forgive me

Thank you

I love you

That’s all you need to do. Starting by doing Ho’oponopono for yourself first is ideal. You can say it or write it. You can do it on your own or do it directly to the person you wish to forgive.

When searching for a way to help with the turmoil our country is currently experiencing, I remembered this practice and started writing it in my journal every day. I began by writing it directed to specific people, then I realized that everyone needs it, so now this is what I write:

To all the people of the world:

I am sorry

Please forgive me

Thank you

I love you

I see now that the more people who practice this, the more powerful it will be. You can quietly repeat it in your mind several times a day or write it in your journal.

In research done my Lynne McTaggart for the book The Power of 8, she discovered that when 8 people come together to focus on one intention, it can be realized. I have seen this happen. Just think about what we all can do by focusing on this intention together with love.

Together, our loving can change the world.

 

 

The Grief and Happiness Alliance

Loving and Living Your Way Through Grief

My email is emily@griefandhappiness.com

Let me know if you’d like to receive my newsletters which have lots of good things!

You can listen to my podcast here.

You can join the Grief and Happiness Alliance Gatherings which meet weekly on Sundays by clicking here

You can order the International Best Selling The Grief and Happiness Handbook by clicking here.

You can order The Grief and Happiness Cards by clicking here.

You can order Loving and Living Your Way Through Grief by clicking here.

Generosity

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Recently I read about how the Choctaw nation was forced to leave their ancestral homeland in the southeastern United States and walk to what is now Oklahoma on a journey known as The Trail of Tears.  During this time in 1847, Ireland was experiencing the great potato famine. I can’t imagine how these two groups of people learned about the suffering each was enduring, but they did. The Choctaw wanted to help the Irish even while their own people were suffering and starving to death. They managed to collect $170 which today would be the equivalent of so much more, and they gave that fortune to the Irish.

Till this day, the Choctaw and Irish maintain a special relationship and honor each other. 

This type of long standing support for others in a time of need is sometimes hard to find.  When people tell me their grief experiences, they often tell me about having friends distance themselves. Seeing someone in grief can foster memories of loss. I remember calling myself a Black Widow when I wasn’t included in gatherings with friends or family. Experiencing things like this inspired me to reach out to others who are grieving. I include them whenever I can, and I listen to their stories. 

Have you felt ostracized or lonely while grieving? Have you witnessed that happening to others? What can you do to be generous? Reach out to people dealing with loss. Expand your circle of friends. Open your heart. Include and invite people you may not have thought of before. Your loving can change their world.

 

The Grief and Happiness Alliance

Loving and Living Your Way Through Grief

My email is emily@griefandhappiness.com

Let me know if you’d like to receive my newsletters which have lots of good things!

You can listen to my podcast here.

You can join the Grief and Happiness Alliance Gatherings which meet weekly on Sundays by clicking here

You can order the International Best Selling The Grief and Happiness Handbook by clicking here.

You can order The Grief and Happiness Cards by clicking here.

You can order Loving and Living Your Way Through Grief by clicking here.

Trauma

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I recently attended a women’s retreat, and when one of the speakers asked how many of us had experienced sexual trauma during our lives, almost every person there raised their hand. I was shocked. I had my hand up too, and realized that I have gone through my life not talking to anyone about what occurred to me as a 16-year-old. Though I hadn’t shared this information, it affected me deeply and changed the course of my life.

I wonder why so many of us don’t talk about traumatic experiences. My experience caused years of fear, worry, doubt, and lack of self-esteem. I escaped my feelings by throwing myself into busy-ness, trying to somehow prove that I was a good person though I am not sure I believed it myself. When I finally got into a great relationship, things started to turn around as I experienced true love and respect for the first time. I am sure this came because I had finally learned to love and respect myself.

How are you? Would you raise your hand if you were asked if you experienced trauma? If you would and you haven’t dealt with it, deal with it now. Start by writing yourself a letter listing all the good things about you. Are you kind? Are you happy? Are you reliable? Are you funny? Are you compassionate? Keep writing until you have a good long list. Thank yourself for all that is good and even great about you. Write your favorite examples of things you do that make you and others smile. Keep writing until you have a good, long letter describing the beautiful, wonderful person you are.

Keeping a journal is another way you can keep in touch with the special person you are. Make note of the kindness you extend to others. Keep track of the special things you do. Plan ahead for the wonderful things you are accomplishing. Notice your beautiful smile as you catch your reflection in a mirror.

Also, be sure to remove yourself from situations that can lead you in a negative direction.  If this proves hard for you, you may want to seek professional counselling. You are worth it.

When I was younger, I felt stuck in the life I thought I had to live. Now I’ve learned to live my best life, making healthy choices, and helping others along the way. You can do this too. Enjoy the process!

 

 

The Grief and Happiness Alliance

Loving and Living Your Way Through Grief

My email is emily@griefandhappiness.com

Let me know if you’d like to receive my newsletters which have lots of good things!

You can listen to my podcast here.

You can join the Grief and Happiness Alliance Gatherings which meet weekly on Sundays by clicking here

You can order the International Best Selling The Grief and Happiness Handbook by clicking here.

You can order The Grief and Happiness Cards by clicking here.

You can order Loving and Living Your Way Through Grief by clicking here.

 

Unnecessary Grief

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Much of my life is focused on other people’s grief. My intention is to encourage people to actively find ways to experience happiness even while they are grieving, but that’s getting harder and harder to do.

Traditionally people think of grief as related to the death of a loved one. Now in the United States and the world, we are experiencing grief on a much broader scale.  We grieve the loss of jobs, the loss of safety, the loss of respect, the loss of compassion, the loss of decency, the loss of homes, the loss of businesses, and that’s just the beginning of a very long list being added to continually.

The recent dramatic plumet in the Stock Market was similar to the crash in 1929. In those days people tumbled into poverty with no safety nets where today people are sliding down the slippery slopes of loss regretting not fastening their safety belts and watching Social Security slip away.

People are crying out “How could this happen in our country.” We have forgotten how young students in their classrooms oft recited the words to the Pledge of Allegiance which closed by saying “with liberty and justice for all.”

Most of the country is in shock and grieving, so now is the time to put on the brakes. Instead of suffering the grief from all this loss, let’s take Bob Marley’s lyrics to heart”

“… you can’t fool all the people all the time

‘Cause now we see the light

We gonna stand up for our right

 

Get up, stand up

Stand up for your right

Get up, stand up

Don’t give up the fight.

 

We all have enough unavoidable loss in our lives to grieve. Let’s come together find ways to stop the unnecessary grief brought by the foolish destruction.