The Grief and Happiness Alliance

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Paying it Forward

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I watched a movie in the year 2000 that had a profound effect on the rest of my life. Pay it Forward is the story of a junior high school student who did a project for his social studies class. The premise is that when he did something of value for someone else, instead of that person paying him back, he told the person who was willing to pay for his services to instead to do something of value for someone else, or preferably do something for two or three more people.

This movie was so inspiring to me that I have incorporated the concept into my life, paying forward good deeds often.  A big example of this for me was when I owned and operated a live theatre and school of arts.  I started the school because funding to schools where I lived had severely cut back arts classes which they deemed as unnecessary. In my life, I knew I wouldn’t have made it through school without the drama, band, and visual arts classes I took. That was where I excelled in school, and it was where I learned to read when traditional teaching methods had failed me.

When I first started the school, I discovered that only wealthy families enrolled their children, and the kids weren’t that interested in being there.  So I held a meeting with everyone I could think of who was involved in the arts in my community. I told the attendees that I wanted any student who wanted to take arts classes to be able to come whether their family could afford it or not.  The people who came to the meeting agreed and formed a nonprofit organization that not only did fund raisers to ensure that the classes were full, but they also wrote grants that allowed foster children to always be accepted without charge, and they wrote grants for special projects. One project invited teens to work on teen pregnancy prevention by having a group of interested teens come together to write a production based on experiences of teen parents. They also performed in the production they wrote and took it to schools in the area who also provided counselors to talk with any of the students who attended when they reached out for more information.

I discovered that the more people got involved in the theatre and school, the more people that they brought in got involved also. By being involved with what happened at the school and theatre, all the participants brought more participants.  My husband Jacques also loved to be involved.  When his health declined, he was there less and less, and I was gone more and more dealing with his care. I realized that he needed me with him full time, so I approached the board of the nonprofit and offered them the business I had created because I wanted it to still serve the community and all the people who participated in the school and theatre. They graciously accepted.  Giving this gift to the community is one of the highlights of my life.

What can you do to Pay it Forward?  A friend of mine had the person who had been in front of her in the line at the grocery store pay for her groceries.  She had no idea who it was, but she was so happy because it really helped her at that time.  Other ways to pay it forward would be to hold the door open for someone or donate clothes you no longer wear or items you don’t use to a local thrift store who serves an organization you believe in. Or you could donate towels and blankets to the local animal shelter or pick up litter in your community. Think about what you already do or what you could start doing.

All the people of the world are part of one giant community. We can all thrive by taking care of each other in whatever ways we can. We can become a society of service as opposed to opposing, selfish groups.  The way my first boss oriented me to a service job was by telling me to treat my customers how I wanted to be treated. Just think how much better things could be if we all do that!

What does all this have to do with grief? Simple. As we focus on what we can do for others, we will feel better while helping others to feel better too. What can you do?

 

You can join the Grief and Happiness Alliance which meets weekly on Sundays by clicking here: https://www.griefandhappiness.com/offers/ytK7eLBa

You can order Loving and Living Your Way Through Grief by clicking here at Amazon.

You can listen to my podcast, Grief and Happiness, here. https://podcasts.apple.com/us/podcast/loving-and-living-your-way-through-grief-with/id1509589686?i=1000535381763

I would be happy to put you on the reminder list for or Writing Together Through Grief occurring on Saturdays each week by sending an email to me to emily@lovingandlivingyourwaythroughgrief.com and giving me your email address.

Join my Facebook group here.

Holidays and Grief

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Christmas used to be such a special time. When I was growing up, we celebrated with my mother’s three sisters and their families. All the children slept on the floor like a big slumber party, and we would be very quiet because we were anticipating Santa’s reindeer on the roof. And they always came! We knew because we heard the reindeer’s hooves, sleigh bells, and Santa’s jolly Ho Ho Ho’s! As I reflect on these joyous family memories, I am amazed that the older cousins didn’t spoil the illusion.

When my children were young, we would travel to my mother and father’s house to gather with the family who had remained close enough to still come.  My husband Jacques used to call it Hazel’s Hassle (my mom was Hazel) because so many people crammed into mom and dad’s small home. My cousin still tickled me every chance he got even though we were adults by that time. Mom and her sisters provided a feast. I loved watching the four of them gathered in the small kitchen laughing and smiling.

Jacques and I were engaged our first Christmas together. We both were challenged financially at that time, so I got a small Christmas tree for my children to have at my house, and then we transported the tree, decorations, and all, to Jacques’s house because we planned to have dinner at his house.  What a mess to transport that little tree! We had decided we wanted a new Christmas tradition that we could establish our first Christmas together and do every year. We decided our tradition would be to make homemade ravioli. His mom was from Sicily, so she made the filling, I made the pasta, and Jacques made the sauce. Over the years, whoever was around while we were preparing the ravioli would help us put together the ravioli.

I still made ravioli when Ron and I got married. We also invited lots of people.  One year we even had two of his ex-wives!  It was always a beautiful celebration of love and friendship.  Now that Ron’s gone, I usually invite people who don’t have a place to go to join me for ravioli, but the pandemic has put a damper on that.

What has helped me the most now to deal with the holidays is to sit down and consciously write out my intention for the season. This intention is not a to-do list. Rather I decide what will serve me best through the holidays to create happiness and joy. This year I decided to have a small outside gathering with a few friends to create Christmas ornaments. I hosted that on a sunny day a week ago. The next thing I decided to do was create a Christmas card from a drawing I did and write a heartfelt message to send to those I love. And I set the intention to not stress about Christmas gifts.  The perfect things will come to me to give to the people I want to. In years before, the gift giving took so much time and caused stress, so now I am simplifying, and it feels good.

The gift I will give to me is to spend some quiet time setting one major intention for the new year that will guide my decisions and bring me happiness in what I do. I have found that focusing on one specific intention works so much better than having lots or resolutions to keep track of.

And the most important thing I am doing the holidays is to take good care of myself.  I do this by eating well, going for walks, doing my morning practice of writing and meditating every day. I say yes to invitations, and I say no when that is the appropriate answer. I also am sure to hydrate and smile genuinely often!

What intention can you create? What new traditions can you establish? When will you say yes or no? What will you do to take good care of yourself and to engage with others? Make these holidays filled with love and happiness.  You can do this. I know you can!

 

You can join the Grief and Happiness Alliance which will meet weekly on Sundays by clicking here: https://www.griefandhappiness.com/offers/ytK7eLBa

You can order Loving and Living Your Way Through Grief by clicking here at Amazon.

You can listen to my podcast, Grief and Happiness, here. https://podcasts.apple.com/us/podcast/loving-and-living-your-way-through-grief-with/id1509589686?i=1000535381763

I would be happy to put you on the reminder list for or Writing Together Through Grief occurring on Saturdays each week by sending an email to me to emily@lovingandlivingyourwaythroughgrief.com and giving me your email address.

Join my Facebook group here.

The words that can provide comfort and support to others

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Every Saturday people come together to write through grief with me on Zoom. This week, I was so moved by what Rev. Rachel Hollander wrote that I asked if she would share it with us for my blog post this week, and she graciously said yes. Rev. Rachel is the President of the new Grief and Happiness Alliance Nonprofit Organization. She is amazing and is a gift to the organization. Her beautiful picture accompanies this blog.

If you would like to join us on Saturdays, please send me your email and I will put you on the Zoom invitation list.

 

Here we go….

Whatever you are feeling is completely acceptable.

If you want to cry, scream, laugh, rage, hide, smile, remember or forget.

It’s all acceptable.

There is no “wrong way” to grieve (unless, of course, you are harming yourself or another. In that case, call me).

If remembering feels good, brings up sweetness and sadness, go for it.

If remembering stings too much, let that go for now. There’s time.

BE GENTLE WITH YOURSELF!

Show yourself the same level of Compassion that you would show for a beloved friend.

HYDRATE! Crying and grieving can cause dehydration. Don’t make things worse for yourself. Hydrate.

Reach out – or don’t reach out – as much as you feel comfortable. You are in charge of your process.

If there are people you can trust, lean on them. If you’re unsure, call me.

Let go of judgment, time-lines, and all of the “shoulds.”

Everyone does this differently. And we each grieve different people differently.

There are no rules for this. Well, except to hydrate. That is really essential.

Understand that this is not a linear process. You won’t go from “bad” to “good.”

You’ll have easier days – or moments – and then challenging ones. It’s all ok. It’s all part of the experience.

When/if you’re able, be with patient with the well-meaning folks who say truly stupid or un-helpful things. They usually know not what they do.

Accept soup, rides, flowers, support.

And, if it all becomes too much, decline offers gently.

It might seem odd to have to care-take those who are not grieving. And, yet sometimes we need to try. Aim for tact.

AND – do not be afraid to get what you need: “Thank you for the offer. I really need some quiet time right now. It’s been a rough day.”

There is no time frame or limit on grief. If someone asks why you are “still” grieving, remind them of how lucky they are that they don’t understand.

When you’re able, create an altar or small space to remember your beloved. A photo, a token, a stone, whatever. Give them a place in your world.

And, lovingly, remember.

 

 

 

You can join the Grief and Happiness Alliance which will meet weekly on Sundays by clicking here: https://www.griefandhappiness.com/offers/ytK7eLBa

You can order Loving and Living Your Way Through Grief by clicking here at Amazon.

I would be happy to put you on the reminder list for or Writing Together Through Grief occurring on Saturdays each week by sending an email to me to emily@lovingandlivingyourwaythroughgrief.com and giving me your email address.

Join my Facebook group here.

The Memory of Things

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Stuff seems to accumulate. I have bookshelves full of books I won’t read again, and this is after I have donated enough books in my lifetime to have opened my own bookstore. And I have enough kitchen equipment to run a catering company, and I am sure that is because I did have a catering company in the past. And I have taught cooking classes and had to have supplies for that. And I have done tons of sewing and weaving through my life and that takes a lot of stuff.

There was a time when I used every bit of stuff I have now, but I don’t use almost all of it anymore. Why is it so hard to let go? I see now that it is because of the memories attached to the stuff. I have a beautiful fish poacher. When I bought it years ago, it was pricey. I got it to be able to poach a large piece of salmon to serve as part of an appetizer spread that I put together for the guests at a celebration we had for the publication of Jacques’ new book. I remember Jacques being so impressed with how elegant the appetizers were for his party. The salmon with homemade dill sauce was a huge hit, so I did that a few more times. For years now that great big poacher has been sitting on a top shelf. I see now I haven’t gotten rid of it because it made Jacques happy when I used it.  Jacques died in 2006.  Maybe it is time to let it go.

And that’s just one thing.  I have a story for every specialized baking pan and serving dish I own, and for lots of other things that fill my cupboards.  When we moved from the mainland to Hawaii, we had an enormous garage sale where I released so much stuff, even stuff with good stories. I just didn’t want to load up the container we were shipping across the ocean with things I would never use again, yet we still ended up with lots of stuff here. So why is there still stuff in my life?

I see now that I am equating the things with the memories. I see 2 carving right now that bring such amazing memories about the people who gave them to Ron and me. Do I need these 2 works of art? No. But I do enjoy those memories when I see each piece. And I justify these pieces because they are art, but most of the stuff isn’t.  One time Ron and I came across a delightful little store named “Kiss My Bundt.”  They sold store-made mini and medium sized individual bunt cakes with amazing cream cheese frosting. Ron decided that when we moved to Hawaii, I needed to make and sell these dreamy delicacies. I knew how much work that would be, so I bought some pans and made a few batches of different flavored treats.  After he saw me do this, he realized I was right about how much work it would be, and how the cost for the quality ingredients that made them special made it unlikely we would make any money on this adventure. So ever since that experience, the mini bunt pans have shared the shelf with the fish poacher.

I do love to write, and as I have been struggling to release all this stuff, I realized that instead of holding on to them forever, I could give them away, but only after I wrote the story of the beloved object. The item is not the memory. The story is. So now I am in the process of a purge accompanied by some beautiful, recorded memories.  I can carry these memories with me always whether anyone else even knows they are there. I can see how much more space I will have as I release stuff, and I see how much richer my life will be as I remember the stories of my past with my loved ones, while I live now happily in the moment.

 

You can join the Grief and Happiness Alliance which will meet weekly on Sundays by clicking here: https://www.griefandhappiness.com/offers/ytK7eLBa

You can order Loving and Living Your Way Through Grief by clicking here at Amazon.

I would be happy to put you on the reminder list for or Writing Together Through Grief occurring on Saturdays each week by sending an email to me to emily@lovingandlivingyourwaythroughgrief.com and giving me your email address.

Join my Facebook group here.

Comfort, Support, Happiness, and Friends

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I am thrilled to announce the formation of The Grief and Happiness Alliance  which is a membership program where you can find comfort, support, happiness, and friends.

Everyone deals with grief and loss in their lifetimes. When you are in that situation, having friends to relate to who are also dealing with loss can make all the difference in how you feel.

While we grieve for the loss of a loved one, we also grieve many other losses in our lives like losing a job, getting divorced, suffering and injury, having a life-threatening diagnosis, or having a friend move away.  People deal with these losses in different ways. Some people isolate themselves so others won’t see their pain, others are openly sad and hurting, while others attempt to ignore the pain.  I have found that the best way to deal with loss is to pay attention to it and use healthy, constructive methods to help yourself.

Let me show you three ways you can start right now to help you feel better.

  1. Take good care of yourself. Often while dealing with grief or loss we forget to eat, or we eat too much. We may not pay attention to our personal appearance. We may not take care of where we live. We may not stay in contact with people. We may feel that no one could understand how you are feeling. Instead of dealing with what you are experiencing in these ways that do not serve you, try being gentle with yourself. Plan what you will be eating and make healthy choices. Get out in nature even if it is only a walk in the neighborhood. Call a friend just to talk, or write that friend a letter, a card, or an email to keep in touch. Take a nice hot shower or soak in a refreshing bath. Go shopping, even if it is only online, and buy yourself something new to wear that you know you will feel good wearing. Mostly, love your precious self up. You are so worth it.
  2. Set a goal for each day first thing when you get up. You can start small. Make sure that the goal you set is something you can do in one day. For instance, set a goal to get outside and walk to the corner and back, instead of setting a goal to spend an hour at the gym working out hard when you haven’t stepped into the gym for months. The more goals you accomplish, the better you will feel. Make a list of things you’d really like to do, then get started with one item on the list at a time.
  3. Laugh! If you need something to inspire your laughter, search on You Tube for funny animals. Or watch a funny movie. My aunt and uncle were in a car accident where she was severely injured, and he died. During her recovery, she watched the movie Patch Adams every day. I asked her if she was getting tired of watching it, and she said no.  She pointed out she couldn’t help but laugh at the funny parts and she loved the love and kindness that was demonstrated in the movie.  Find a movie or a book or a television show or a comedian that always makes you laugh then laugh all you can.

These three ways are just the start of all you can do to help yourself. They are all simple and mostly free. And the more you do each of them, the better you will feel. When you can start to focus on today, this moment, and do whatever you need to so that you can feel your best, each moment is easier than the last. When you focus on what you have lost, those moments will continue to get worse.

Would you like some help with all of this?  I have just what you need.

The Grief and Happiness Alliance is designed to support you in starting to move forward with your grief. Most people when dealing with grief and loss find themselves being mostly alone and not knowing what to do to feel any better. They also may be unfamiliar with the affect grieving can have on their lives, or maybe they do, but the grief they are dealing with now is bigger and more challenging. If this is you, participating in The Grief and Happiness Alliance can be a perfect experience. In the alliance, you will be meeting with others who are also dealing with loss. You are not alone. And you will experience ways to dealing with your grief by writing, by talking to each other, and by learning happiness practices that comfort and support you. Being listened to and listening to others often doesn’t happen when you are grieving, but the alliance is a place where you can do both., You will discover new friends, new ways to express yourself, and new happiness. And you will look forward to meeting online with The Grief and Happiness Alliance online that meets for an hour every week.

In The Grief and Happiness Alliance you can form comfortable relationships with new friends. You will have the opportunity to express emotions where you know you will be supported. Belonging to a group of people who share challenges like the ones you are experiencing, you will find opportunities to support each other. Each week we will do different writing and happiness practices that enable you to have tools to use to take care of yourself as you start moving forward. We will have occasional guests and enjoyable activities so there is always something new to experience.

As a member of the Alliance, you can create a notebook, either a hard copy or online, where you keep your writing and the PDF materials for class. This will be a special keepsake you can turn to for comfort as well as record your progress and your meaningful experiences along the way. You can stay in the Alliance for as long as you want to.

The Grief and Happiness Alliance is a membership program which is offered at no cost due to the generosity of the Grief and Happiness Alliance Nonprofit Organization.

Benefits of being a member of The Grief And Happiness Alliance:

  • Weekly group meetings which include happiness practices, writing sessions, and peer support.
  • Special activities and guests
  • Invitations to retreats
  • And more surprises along the way

When you sign up for The Grief And Happiness Alliance program today, you will immediately gain access to my online Grief, Love, Happiness, and Writing Haiku Poetry course for free.

Be sure join The Grief And Happiness Alliance now by clicking on this link: Grief and Happiness.

Our first meeting is Sunday November 14 at 10 AM Hawaii Standard Time, Noon PST, and 3 PM EST.

Be sure to share this information with anyone you know who could benefit from this program.

 

You can join the Grief and Happiness Alliance which will meet weekly starting November 14 by clicking here: https://www.griefandhappiness.com/offers/ytK7eLBa

 

You can order Loving and Living Your Way Through Grief by clicking here at Amazon.

I would be happy to put you on the reminder list for or Writing Together Through Grief occurring on Saturdays each week by sending an email to me to emily@lovingandlivingyourwaythroughgrief.com and giving me your email address.

Join my Facebook group here.

 

 

 

Complaining

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Are you a complainer? I certainly was at one time in my life.  I didn’t see it at the time, but I was constantly criticizing. Nothing was ever quite right or good enough. I rarely was satisfied. As I reflect on that time, I can see how unhappy all that complaining was making me. My food wasn’t hot enough or cold enough. The movie I saw wasn’t that great. My friend stood me up. My coworker didn’t get her job done so I had to pick up the slack. There was no way I could get my assignment done on time. I was always tired. I remembered a phrase I used to say in my childhood: “Nobody likes me. Everybody hates met. I am going to eat worms and die.” Yuk! That was no way to live!

Then someone pointed out to me that I was always playing the victim, and that no one wanted to be friends with someone so negative.  What got me the most is that I had never realized I was doing that.  The people around me all seemed to be playing the same game, and I saw that I didn’t really want to be around them either!  Something had to change.

How does this situation apply to grieving? Because most people grieving slip into victimhood at some point, and the deeper you slide down the slope, the harder it is to pull yourself back up. Do you see when you played the victim roll? Or maybe you are doing that now? The good news is that you don’t have to stay there.

Early in your grief is the time that this is most likely to happen, and if you don’t realize that you are playing the victim, it’s only going to get worse. How can you tell if this is what you are doing?  Answer these questions to help you decide:

  1. Do you find yourself saying “Nobody understands what I am going through”?
  2. Do you spend lots of time alone because you feel like no one wants to be around you?
  3. Did you have friends before your loss that you don’t have anymore?
  4. Do you eat too much or not enough because it doesn’t matter what you look like?
  5. Do you complain a lot, even if it is just to yourself?
  6. Are you negative much of the time?

There are lots more questions I could ask, but if you find yourself answering yes to any of these questions, chances are you are playing the victim.  The more of these questions you answer yes to, the further into victimhood you have drifted.

Often you might see these traits in people you know who are dealing with grief and loss. When this happens, be sure to check yourself out and see if you are a reacting to them as a victim yourself. And try reaching out to them in positive ways, gently showing them evidence of some of the good and beauty and love in their lives.

What about you, though? What can you do for you?  The first step is recognizing the situation you are in. That’s half the battle.  If you can see it, you can deal with it.  For instance, if you find yourself saying “Nobody knows how I feel,” try looking around you.  Everybody deals with grief and loss at some points in their lives. You are likely to discover that people you care about think that nobody knows how they are feeling either.  When you identify a friend who you know has had a loved one die recently, try reaching out. Try saying something positive to them.  The more you put yourself in the positive space by showing your care, the more likely people are to show you they care about you, too.

If you are spending lots of time alone, do something about that. Call a friend on the phone. Hearing the voice of someone you care about can help. Get together with people if you can, and if that doesn’t work for you right now because of social distancing, do it online.  You could join the Grief and Happiness Alliance online (it’s free) and discover new friends there who are also dealing with loss.  Of find an activity you can do. I learned how to draw and paint by watching YouTube videos and finding free online classes.  Doing something new and different, especially if it is something you always wanted to do, can really raise your spirits.

If you recognize a tendency toward victimhood, and you know you don’t want to be there, you can fix this situation!  The key is your desire to make a change. Recognize when you start saying or feeling negative and adjust what you are saying or feeling right when you recognize it. Be patient with yourself and start focusing on positivity and you can move forward. You can do this!  Brighten up your life right now! You will be so glad you did!

 

You can join the Grief and Happiness Alliance which will meet weekly starting November 14 by clicking here:

You can order Loving and Living Your Way Through Grief by clicking here at Amazon.

I would be happy to put you on the reminder list for or Writing Together Through Grief occurring on Saturdays each week by sending an email to me to emily@lovingandlivingyourwaythroughgrief.com and giving me your email address.

Join my Facebook group here.