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Do You Trust the Universe?

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Do you pay attention to the universe? In my younger years I lived in a bubble of paying attention only to what was directly around me. There was so much I had to focus on: Would I be able to pay the bills? Would I be able to find childcare I trusted and could afford? Would I have time to do everything I knew I needed to? Would I ever be truly happy? With questions like these hanging over my head, I felt constantly stressed and tired.  I found myself wondering if what I was experiencing was going to be the best experience of my life, and that made me sad.

I spent my life doing, never still.  At one point I had two full time jobs and actively participated in all aspects of the theatre at the same time.  Keeping busy allowed me to block my disappointment of what I lacked, making me think if I just completed one more thing, that would bring me happiness. But it didn’t.

When Ron and I got together, my life began to open. I learned that I didn’t have to be in constant motion. I learned how to be still and focus on all the beauty that surrounded me. Not the beauty of material things, but the beauty of taking deep breaths, the beauty of the nature that surrounded me.  The beauty of the song of the birds. The beauty of the love in Ron’s eyes. Up until this time, I had proclaimed that stress was my life. As I slowed down, I discovered that instead, my life is love.

More than romantic love, I felt the love of the universe surrounding me and protecting me. I realized that the universe was, is, and will always be there. Instead of focusing on what littered my path, I focused on seeing the beauty of it all. I saw that the universe is here to support me, and everyone else who inhabits it. The key is to recognize this and embrace it.

I talked to a woman who had gone to a desolate place in Africa on a humanitarian journey. She went there to help people. Her group went to see a group of people who lived in a community they had created in the desert. She had grand plans of educating them to do things she was familiar with to help them like proper nutrition, exercise, acceptable housing (acceptable to her and her group).

What they discovered was a joyous group functioning as one big, loving family. They had discovered how to eat with the food they would find together, and they were healthy. And no one was overweight. They had few material possessions, and they didn’t need them. Their clothing was minimal as they honored the beauty of their bodies, and they certainly didn’t need the warmth of clothing in the desert. And they had much more exercise than most of the people from the “civilized” country of the people who had come to train them. They bathed together, ate together, travelled together, cared for each other, and smiled, and danced, and loved with abandon.

The woman learned much more from them than what was in the lessons she had come to share. She came home a changed woman paying attention to what she focused on. She became a philanthropist focusing on projects that encouraged awareness of how to protect the planet and how to bring even more love and beauty into the world.

My focus changed after I spoke to her. I realized that all my material needs were met. I learned to focus on how I can help people live their best lives from a place of love and service. All I do now is focus on that, and what I wonderful life I am living now.  I have been widowed twice, and instead of feeling sorry for me, I feel grateful for the love and experiences I had with these two wonderful men. And I use the lessons I learned from them both to bring as much happiness in the world as I can as we learn to support our world the very best we can.

And do you know what?  The universe fully supports us in all we do!

 

“When we learn to trust the universe, we shall be happy, prosperous, and well.” Ernest Holmes

 

 

You can join the Grief and Happiness Alliance which meets weekly on Sundays by clicking here: https://www.griefandhappiness.com/offers/ytK7eLBa

You can order Loving and Living Your Way Through Grief by clicking here at Amazon.

You can listen to my podcast, Grief and Happiness, here. https://podcasts.apple.com/us/podcast/loving-and-living-your-way-through-grief-with/id1509589686?i=1000535381763

I would be happy to put you on the reminder list for or Writing Together Through Grief occurring on Saturdays each week by sending an email to me to emily@lovingandlivingyourwaythroughgrief.com and giving me your email address.

Join my Facebook group here.

Be Willing

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I spend time online each day with the social media I do to help people deal with grief, and lately I keep hearing the same theme.  People say that things will never be the same, that they have lost so much, and they feel lost. I’ve had times that I have felt that way too. I get sentimental about not having someone to hold hands with, to talk to intimately, to kiss, to laugh with, to share my bed. When I would start feeling this way, I would write or meditate, or just sit and think about how wonderful those experiences were.

I know I won’t have those exact experience again. No one does. Each moment in our lives is different.  When I remind myself of that, I start thinking about how each day is a new day, an opportunity to start to do different things or do things differently.  As I reflect on my life I am amazed at the experiences, the opportunities I’ve had.  I think about all the miraculous adventures, the breathtaking art, the first smiles of a baby.

When we can start to shift gear, to focus on what makes us happy instead of what makes us sad, or made us sad in the past, then we can start lifting our heads, looking forward, becoming aware.  That awareness allows us to take slow deep breaths again and feel how wonderful that fresh air feels.

I invite you find someplace beautiful and quiet to sit imagining your loved one sitting next to you. Enjoy that feeling knowing that in that moment there is no physical pain, no suffering. All that is gone now, and you can just relish the closeness. Then tell your loved one about something new you are doing that feels good. It could be finding new things to cook for yourself, planting seeds in your garden for spring flowers, walking in a forest or on a beach. It could be reading a great book or enjoying a movie or enjoying a conversation with a friend. As you are sharing all this, start to realize that you are relaxing as you speak. Tension flows away. You can feel all that love which remains.

At this moment you realize that your loved one is smiling, delighted that you can smile, you can appreciate all that is good and beautiful. I can imagine the relief my loved one would feel knowing that I wasn’t trapped in an unrelenting sorrow, that I am taking one step at a time to move forward, never discarding all the love I will always have for each of my loved ones who is no longer physically with me. Just by being willing, being open, we all can allow ourselves to celebrate the wonder and awe that awaits our awareness.

Be willing—

 

 

You can join the Grief and Happiness Alliance which meets weekly on Sundays by clicking here: https://www.griefandhappiness.com/offers/ytK7eLBa

You can order Loving and Living Your Way Through Grief by clicking here at Amazon.

You can listen to my podcast, Grief and Happiness, here. https://podcasts.apple.com/us/podcast/loving-and-living-your-way-through-grief-with/id1509589686?i=1000535381763

I would be happy to put you on the reminder list for or Writing Together Through Grief occurring on Saturdays each week by sending an email to me to emily@lovingandlivingyourwaythroughgrief.com and giving me your email address.

Join my Facebook group here.

Bringing Happiness to the World

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I ran across a quote by Michael Bernard Beckwith: “It’s not the world’s job to make you happy. It’s your job to bring happiness into the world.” I’ve been thinking lots about happiness lately.  When I feel happy, I can relax and enjoy all that’s good in my life.  After Jacques died, I read Marci Shimoff’s book Happy for No Reason.  I am so glad I found that book because it helped me realize that I hadn’t been happy at all, and that I needed to change that.

Sometimes being happy gets a bad rap because people think it’s frivolous, but I see it now as essential. Ron had me look in the mirror once and asked me about what I saw. That caused me to realize that I wasn’t smiling, and also that I didn’t smile very often.  I took that as a challenge to remind me to smile.  I felt like I needed a reason to smile, so I made it a challenge that every time I saw a mirror, I would smile into it. That helped, but it seemed arbitrary. I wanted my smiles to be motivated by happiness.

Now I look for happiness in everything I do.  If I am on a podcast or am facilitating a meeting, I can see myself on my computer screen and make sure that I am happy about what I am saying.  That brings out genuine smiles, and it feels so good.  And when I am talking to someone, I think about what I can say that will make them smile.  And when I am enjoying what I eat, I smile then. And a way for me to not eat as much is to pay attention to if I am not enjoying what I am eating.  And if I’m not, I don’t eat whatever it is.

I even became a Happy for Not Reason certified trainer so that I have lots of ways now I can teach other people about the value of happiness.  There is always so much room for more happiness in the world!  I see that the happier I am, the happier people are who are around me. I love that.  It’s fun to smile! Now I search for ways to make people happy. The more happiness and love I share with the world, the happier we all will be! My hope is that you are finding and sharing happiness too!

 

You can join the Grief and Happiness Alliance which meets weekly on Sundays by clicking here: https://www.griefandhappiness.com/offers/ytK7eLBa

You can order Loving and Living Your Way Through Grief by clicking here at Amazon.

You can listen to my podcast, Grief and Happiness, here. https://podcasts.apple.com/us/podcast/loving-and-living-your-way-through-grief-with/id1509589686?i=1000535381763

 

Comparison of Grief

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I wrote an Instagram post this week that said, “I have heard that the death of a spouse is the number one stressor in life.”  I realize now that I inspired anger and comparison, and that was not my intention for making this statement.  Each experience of grief is unique and any comparison in grief can be damaging. Every experience of grief I have had in my lifetime has been different.  I can’t compare the loss of my husbands, or father, or mother, or grandparents, or aunts and uncles, or good friends, or my unborn baby. My love for each of these people was great and incomparable to any other relationship I have had.

Theodore Roosevelt was credited for saying that “Comparison is the thief of joy.”  That makes sense to me.  Every one of us experiences grief in our own way for each experience of grief we have.  What is important here is to individually focus on that. It really doesn’t matter how many people attend a celebration of life, or how many months anyone was unable to continue their normal activities, or any other comparisons.

What does matter is that we each take good care of ourselves as we experience grief, and that we also provide comfort, support, love, and happiness to those people we care about who are experiencing grief. Do that in any way, and don’t worry about how much or how little anyone else has done.

I love the author, Byron Katie. She says: “I discovered that when I believed my thoughts I suffered, but when I didn’t believe them, I didn’t suffer, and that this is true for every human being. Freedom is as simple as that.” She has developed something she calls The Work that I use when I find I need some support in how to handle things. In The Work, she encourages you to ask yourself four questions to help you discover if what you are thinking is what you need to pay attention to. When you find things that you are focusing on do not support you or help you feel better, all you need to do is ask yourself her questions.  This is a link to her questions and guidance how to use them: https://thework.com/instruction-the-work-byron-katie/

If you find yourself saying something that could be a judgement of how someone else is grieving, use the work and see what happens.  Her first question is “Is it true?” Often, that’s all I need to say to myself. Then I will release what I was thinking. I’ll feel lighter. Smile, and move forward.

 

You can join the Grief and Happiness Alliance which meets weekly on Sundays by clicking here: https://www.griefandhappiness.com/offers/ytK7eLBa

You can order Loving and Living Your Way Through Grief by clicking here at Amazon.

You can listen to my podcast, Grief and Happiness, here. https://podcasts.apple.com/us/podcast/loving-and-living-your-way-through-grief-with/id1509589686?i=1000535381763

I would be happy to put you on the reminder list for or Writing Together Through Grief occurring on Saturdays each week by sending an email to me to emily@lovingandlivingyourwaythroughgrief.com and giving me your email address.

Join my Facebook group here.

Paying it Forward

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I watched a movie in the year 2000 that had a profound effect on the rest of my life. Pay it Forward is the story of a junior high school student who did a project for his social studies class. The premise is that when he did something of value for someone else, instead of that person paying him back, he told the person who was willing to pay for his services to instead to do something of value for someone else, or preferably do something for two or three more people.

This movie was so inspiring to me that I have incorporated the concept into my life, paying forward good deeds often.  A big example of this for me was when I owned and operated a live theatre and school of arts.  I started the school because funding to schools where I lived had severely cut back arts classes which they deemed as unnecessary. In my life, I knew I wouldn’t have made it through school without the drama, band, and visual arts classes I took. That was where I excelled in school, and it was where I learned to read when traditional teaching methods had failed me.

When I first started the school, I discovered that only wealthy families enrolled their children, and the kids weren’t that interested in being there.  So I held a meeting with everyone I could think of who was involved in the arts in my community. I told the attendees that I wanted any student who wanted to take arts classes to be able to come whether their family could afford it or not.  The people who came to the meeting agreed and formed a nonprofit organization that not only did fund raisers to ensure that the classes were full, but they also wrote grants that allowed foster children to always be accepted without charge, and they wrote grants for special projects. One project invited teens to work on teen pregnancy prevention by having a group of interested teens come together to write a production based on experiences of teen parents. They also performed in the production they wrote and took it to schools in the area who also provided counselors to talk with any of the students who attended when they reached out for more information.

I discovered that the more people got involved in the theatre and school, the more people that they brought in got involved also. By being involved with what happened at the school and theatre, all the participants brought more participants.  My husband Jacques also loved to be involved.  When his health declined, he was there less and less, and I was gone more and more dealing with his care. I realized that he needed me with him full time, so I approached the board of the nonprofit and offered them the business I had created because I wanted it to still serve the community and all the people who participated in the school and theatre. They graciously accepted.  Giving this gift to the community is one of the highlights of my life.

What can you do to Pay it Forward?  A friend of mine had the person who had been in front of her in the line at the grocery store pay for her groceries.  She had no idea who it was, but she was so happy because it really helped her at that time.  Other ways to pay it forward would be to hold the door open for someone or donate clothes you no longer wear or items you don’t use to a local thrift store who serves an organization you believe in. Or you could donate towels and blankets to the local animal shelter or pick up litter in your community. Think about what you already do or what you could start doing.

All the people of the world are part of one giant community. We can all thrive by taking care of each other in whatever ways we can. We can become a society of service as opposed to opposing, selfish groups.  The way my first boss oriented me to a service job was by telling me to treat my customers how I wanted to be treated. Just think how much better things could be if we all do that!

What does all this have to do with grief? Simple. As we focus on what we can do for others, we will feel better while helping others to feel better too. What can you do?

 

You can join the Grief and Happiness Alliance which meets weekly on Sundays by clicking here: https://www.griefandhappiness.com/offers/ytK7eLBa

You can order Loving and Living Your Way Through Grief by clicking here at Amazon.

You can listen to my podcast, Grief and Happiness, here. https://podcasts.apple.com/us/podcast/loving-and-living-your-way-through-grief-with/id1509589686?i=1000535381763

I would be happy to put you on the reminder list for or Writing Together Through Grief occurring on Saturdays each week by sending an email to me to emily@lovingandlivingyourwaythroughgrief.com and giving me your email address.

Join my Facebook group here.

Holidays and Grief

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Christmas used to be such a special time. When I was growing up, we celebrated with my mother’s three sisters and their families. All the children slept on the floor like a big slumber party, and we would be very quiet because we were anticipating Santa’s reindeer on the roof. And they always came! We knew because we heard the reindeer’s hooves, sleigh bells, and Santa’s jolly Ho Ho Ho’s! As I reflect on these joyous family memories, I am amazed that the older cousins didn’t spoil the illusion.

When my children were young, we would travel to my mother and father’s house to gather with the family who had remained close enough to still come.  My husband Jacques used to call it Hazel’s Hassle (my mom was Hazel) because so many people crammed into mom and dad’s small home. My cousin still tickled me every chance he got even though we were adults by that time. Mom and her sisters provided a feast. I loved watching the four of them gathered in the small kitchen laughing and smiling.

Jacques and I were engaged our first Christmas together. We both were challenged financially at that time, so I got a small Christmas tree for my children to have at my house, and then we transported the tree, decorations, and all, to Jacques’s house because we planned to have dinner at his house.  What a mess to transport that little tree! We had decided we wanted a new Christmas tradition that we could establish our first Christmas together and do every year. We decided our tradition would be to make homemade ravioli. His mom was from Sicily, so she made the filling, I made the pasta, and Jacques made the sauce. Over the years, whoever was around while we were preparing the ravioli would help us put together the ravioli.

I still made ravioli when Ron and I got married. We also invited lots of people.  One year we even had two of his ex-wives!  It was always a beautiful celebration of love and friendship.  Now that Ron’s gone, I usually invite people who don’t have a place to go to join me for ravioli, but the pandemic has put a damper on that.

What has helped me the most now to deal with the holidays is to sit down and consciously write out my intention for the season. This intention is not a to-do list. Rather I decide what will serve me best through the holidays to create happiness and joy. This year I decided to have a small outside gathering with a few friends to create Christmas ornaments. I hosted that on a sunny day a week ago. The next thing I decided to do was create a Christmas card from a drawing I did and write a heartfelt message to send to those I love. And I set the intention to not stress about Christmas gifts.  The perfect things will come to me to give to the people I want to. In years before, the gift giving took so much time and caused stress, so now I am simplifying, and it feels good.

The gift I will give to me is to spend some quiet time setting one major intention for the new year that will guide my decisions and bring me happiness in what I do. I have found that focusing on one specific intention works so much better than having lots or resolutions to keep track of.

And the most important thing I am doing the holidays is to take good care of myself.  I do this by eating well, going for walks, doing my morning practice of writing and meditating every day. I say yes to invitations, and I say no when that is the appropriate answer. I also am sure to hydrate and smile genuinely often!

What intention can you create? What new traditions can you establish? When will you say yes or no? What will you do to take good care of yourself and to engage with others? Make these holidays filled with love and happiness.  You can do this. I know you can!

 

You can join the Grief and Happiness Alliance which will meet weekly on Sundays by clicking here: https://www.griefandhappiness.com/offers/ytK7eLBa

You can order Loving and Living Your Way Through Grief by clicking here at Amazon.

You can listen to my podcast, Grief and Happiness, here. https://podcasts.apple.com/us/podcast/loving-and-living-your-way-through-grief-with/id1509589686?i=1000535381763

I would be happy to put you on the reminder list for or Writing Together Through Grief occurring on Saturdays each week by sending an email to me to emily@lovingandlivingyourwaythroughgrief.com and giving me your email address.

Join my Facebook group here.