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The words that can provide comfort and support to others

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Every Saturday people come together to write through grief with me on Zoom. This week, I was so moved by what Rev. Rachel Hollander wrote that I asked if she would share it with us for my blog post this week, and she graciously said yes. Rev. Rachel is the President of the new Grief and Happiness Alliance Nonprofit Organization. She is amazing and is a gift to the organization. Her beautiful picture accompanies this blog.

If you would like to join us on Saturdays, please send me your email and I will put you on the Zoom invitation list.

 

Here we go….

Whatever you are feeling is completely acceptable.

If you want to cry, scream, laugh, rage, hide, smile, remember or forget.

It’s all acceptable.

There is no “wrong way” to grieve (unless, of course, you are harming yourself or another. In that case, call me).

If remembering feels good, brings up sweetness and sadness, go for it.

If remembering stings too much, let that go for now. There’s time.

BE GENTLE WITH YOURSELF!

Show yourself the same level of Compassion that you would show for a beloved friend.

HYDRATE! Crying and grieving can cause dehydration. Don’t make things worse for yourself. Hydrate.

Reach out – or don’t reach out – as much as you feel comfortable. You are in charge of your process.

If there are people you can trust, lean on them. If you’re unsure, call me.

Let go of judgment, time-lines, and all of the “shoulds.”

Everyone does this differently. And we each grieve different people differently.

There are no rules for this. Well, except to hydrate. That is really essential.

Understand that this is not a linear process. You won’t go from “bad” to “good.”

You’ll have easier days – or moments – and then challenging ones. It’s all ok. It’s all part of the experience.

When/if you’re able, be with patient with the well-meaning folks who say truly stupid or un-helpful things. They usually know not what they do.

Accept soup, rides, flowers, support.

And, if it all becomes too much, decline offers gently.

It might seem odd to have to care-take those who are not grieving. And, yet sometimes we need to try. Aim for tact.

AND – do not be afraid to get what you need: “Thank you for the offer. I really need some quiet time right now. It’s been a rough day.”

There is no time frame or limit on grief. If someone asks why you are “still” grieving, remind them of how lucky they are that they don’t understand.

When you’re able, create an altar or small space to remember your beloved. A photo, a token, a stone, whatever. Give them a place in your world.

And, lovingly, remember.

 

 

 

You can join the Grief and Happiness Alliance which will meet weekly on Sundays by clicking here: https://www.griefandhappiness.com/offers/ytK7eLBa

You can order Loving and Living Your Way Through Grief by clicking here at Amazon.

I would be happy to put you on the reminder list for or Writing Together Through Grief occurring on Saturdays each week by sending an email to me to emily@lovingandlivingyourwaythroughgrief.com and giving me your email address.

Join my Facebook group here.

The Memory of Things

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Stuff seems to accumulate. I have bookshelves full of books I won’t read again, and this is after I have donated enough books in my lifetime to have opened my own bookstore. And I have enough kitchen equipment to run a catering company, and I am sure that is because I did have a catering company in the past. And I have taught cooking classes and had to have supplies for that. And I have done tons of sewing and weaving through my life and that takes a lot of stuff.

There was a time when I used every bit of stuff I have now, but I don’t use almost all of it anymore. Why is it so hard to let go? I see now that it is because of the memories attached to the stuff. I have a beautiful fish poacher. When I bought it years ago, it was pricey. I got it to be able to poach a large piece of salmon to serve as part of an appetizer spread that I put together for the guests at a celebration we had for the publication of Jacques’ new book. I remember Jacques being so impressed with how elegant the appetizers were for his party. The salmon with homemade dill sauce was a huge hit, so I did that a few more times. For years now that great big poacher has been sitting on a top shelf. I see now I haven’t gotten rid of it because it made Jacques happy when I used it.  Jacques died in 2006.  Maybe it is time to let it go.

And that’s just one thing.  I have a story for every specialized baking pan and serving dish I own, and for lots of other things that fill my cupboards.  When we moved from the mainland to Hawaii, we had an enormous garage sale where I released so much stuff, even stuff with good stories. I just didn’t want to load up the container we were shipping across the ocean with things I would never use again, yet we still ended up with lots of stuff here. So why is there still stuff in my life?

I see now that I am equating the things with the memories. I see 2 carving right now that bring such amazing memories about the people who gave them to Ron and me. Do I need these 2 works of art? No. But I do enjoy those memories when I see each piece. And I justify these pieces because they are art, but most of the stuff isn’t.  One time Ron and I came across a delightful little store named “Kiss My Bundt.”  They sold store-made mini and medium sized individual bunt cakes with amazing cream cheese frosting. Ron decided that when we moved to Hawaii, I needed to make and sell these dreamy delicacies. I knew how much work that would be, so I bought some pans and made a few batches of different flavored treats.  After he saw me do this, he realized I was right about how much work it would be, and how the cost for the quality ingredients that made them special made it unlikely we would make any money on this adventure. So ever since that experience, the mini bunt pans have shared the shelf with the fish poacher.

I do love to write, and as I have been struggling to release all this stuff, I realized that instead of holding on to them forever, I could give them away, but only after I wrote the story of the beloved object. The item is not the memory. The story is. So now I am in the process of a purge accompanied by some beautiful, recorded memories.  I can carry these memories with me always whether anyone else even knows they are there. I can see how much more space I will have as I release stuff, and I see how much richer my life will be as I remember the stories of my past with my loved ones, while I live now happily in the moment.

 

You can join the Grief and Happiness Alliance which will meet weekly on Sundays by clicking here: https://www.griefandhappiness.com/offers/ytK7eLBa

You can order Loving and Living Your Way Through Grief by clicking here at Amazon.

I would be happy to put you on the reminder list for or Writing Together Through Grief occurring on Saturdays each week by sending an email to me to emily@lovingandlivingyourwaythroughgrief.com and giving me your email address.

Join my Facebook group here.

Comfort, Support, Happiness, and Friends

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I am thrilled to announce the formation of The Grief and Happiness Alliance  which is a membership program where you can find comfort, support, happiness, and friends.

Everyone deals with grief and loss in their lifetimes. When you are in that situation, having friends to relate to who are also dealing with loss can make all the difference in how you feel.

While we grieve for the loss of a loved one, we also grieve many other losses in our lives like losing a job, getting divorced, suffering and injury, having a life-threatening diagnosis, or having a friend move away.  People deal with these losses in different ways. Some people isolate themselves so others won’t see their pain, others are openly sad and hurting, while others attempt to ignore the pain.  I have found that the best way to deal with loss is to pay attention to it and use healthy, constructive methods to help yourself.

Let me show you three ways you can start right now to help you feel better.

  1. Take good care of yourself. Often while dealing with grief or loss we forget to eat, or we eat too much. We may not pay attention to our personal appearance. We may not take care of where we live. We may not stay in contact with people. We may feel that no one could understand how you are feeling. Instead of dealing with what you are experiencing in these ways that do not serve you, try being gentle with yourself. Plan what you will be eating and make healthy choices. Get out in nature even if it is only a walk in the neighborhood. Call a friend just to talk, or write that friend a letter, a card, or an email to keep in touch. Take a nice hot shower or soak in a refreshing bath. Go shopping, even if it is only online, and buy yourself something new to wear that you know you will feel good wearing. Mostly, love your precious self up. You are so worth it.
  2. Set a goal for each day first thing when you get up. You can start small. Make sure that the goal you set is something you can do in one day. For instance, set a goal to get outside and walk to the corner and back, instead of setting a goal to spend an hour at the gym working out hard when you haven’t stepped into the gym for months. The more goals you accomplish, the better you will feel. Make a list of things you’d really like to do, then get started with one item on the list at a time.
  3. Laugh! If you need something to inspire your laughter, search on You Tube for funny animals. Or watch a funny movie. My aunt and uncle were in a car accident where she was severely injured, and he died. During her recovery, she watched the movie Patch Adams every day. I asked her if she was getting tired of watching it, and she said no.  She pointed out she couldn’t help but laugh at the funny parts and she loved the love and kindness that was demonstrated in the movie.  Find a movie or a book or a television show or a comedian that always makes you laugh then laugh all you can.

These three ways are just the start of all you can do to help yourself. They are all simple and mostly free. And the more you do each of them, the better you will feel. When you can start to focus on today, this moment, and do whatever you need to so that you can feel your best, each moment is easier than the last. When you focus on what you have lost, those moments will continue to get worse.

Would you like some help with all of this?  I have just what you need.

The Grief and Happiness Alliance is designed to support you in starting to move forward with your grief. Most people when dealing with grief and loss find themselves being mostly alone and not knowing what to do to feel any better. They also may be unfamiliar with the affect grieving can have on their lives, or maybe they do, but the grief they are dealing with now is bigger and more challenging. If this is you, participating in The Grief and Happiness Alliance can be a perfect experience. In the alliance, you will be meeting with others who are also dealing with loss. You are not alone. And you will experience ways to dealing with your grief by writing, by talking to each other, and by learning happiness practices that comfort and support you. Being listened to and listening to others often doesn’t happen when you are grieving, but the alliance is a place where you can do both., You will discover new friends, new ways to express yourself, and new happiness. And you will look forward to meeting online with The Grief and Happiness Alliance online that meets for an hour every week.

In The Grief and Happiness Alliance you can form comfortable relationships with new friends. You will have the opportunity to express emotions where you know you will be supported. Belonging to a group of people who share challenges like the ones you are experiencing, you will find opportunities to support each other. Each week we will do different writing and happiness practices that enable you to have tools to use to take care of yourself as you start moving forward. We will have occasional guests and enjoyable activities so there is always something new to experience.

As a member of the Alliance, you can create a notebook, either a hard copy or online, where you keep your writing and the PDF materials for class. This will be a special keepsake you can turn to for comfort as well as record your progress and your meaningful experiences along the way. You can stay in the Alliance for as long as you want to.

The Grief and Happiness Alliance is a membership program which is offered at no cost due to the generosity of the Grief and Happiness Alliance Nonprofit Organization.

Benefits of being a member of The Grief And Happiness Alliance:

  • Weekly group meetings which include happiness practices, writing sessions, and peer support.
  • Special activities and guests
  • Invitations to retreats
  • And more surprises along the way

When you sign up for The Grief And Happiness Alliance program today, you will immediately gain access to my online Grief, Love, Happiness, and Writing Haiku Poetry course for free.

Be sure join The Grief And Happiness Alliance now by clicking on this link: Grief and Happiness.

Our first meeting is Sunday November 14 at 10 AM Hawaii Standard Time, Noon PST, and 3 PM EST.

Be sure to share this information with anyone you know who could benefit from this program.

 

You can join the Grief and Happiness Alliance which will meet weekly starting November 14 by clicking here: https://www.griefandhappiness.com/offers/ytK7eLBa

 

You can order Loving and Living Your Way Through Grief by clicking here at Amazon.

I would be happy to put you on the reminder list for or Writing Together Through Grief occurring on Saturdays each week by sending an email to me to emily@lovingandlivingyourwaythroughgrief.com and giving me your email address.

Join my Facebook group here.

 

 

 

Complaining

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Are you a complainer? I certainly was at one time in my life.  I didn’t see it at the time, but I was constantly criticizing. Nothing was ever quite right or good enough. I rarely was satisfied. As I reflect on that time, I can see how unhappy all that complaining was making me. My food wasn’t hot enough or cold enough. The movie I saw wasn’t that great. My friend stood me up. My coworker didn’t get her job done so I had to pick up the slack. There was no way I could get my assignment done on time. I was always tired. I remembered a phrase I used to say in my childhood: “Nobody likes me. Everybody hates met. I am going to eat worms and die.” Yuk! That was no way to live!

Then someone pointed out to me that I was always playing the victim, and that no one wanted to be friends with someone so negative.  What got me the most is that I had never realized I was doing that.  The people around me all seemed to be playing the same game, and I saw that I didn’t really want to be around them either!  Something had to change.

How does this situation apply to grieving? Because most people grieving slip into victimhood at some point, and the deeper you slide down the slope, the harder it is to pull yourself back up. Do you see when you played the victim roll? Or maybe you are doing that now? The good news is that you don’t have to stay there.

Early in your grief is the time that this is most likely to happen, and if you don’t realize that you are playing the victim, it’s only going to get worse. How can you tell if this is what you are doing?  Answer these questions to help you decide:

  1. Do you find yourself saying “Nobody understands what I am going through”?
  2. Do you spend lots of time alone because you feel like no one wants to be around you?
  3. Did you have friends before your loss that you don’t have anymore?
  4. Do you eat too much or not enough because it doesn’t matter what you look like?
  5. Do you complain a lot, even if it is just to yourself?
  6. Are you negative much of the time?

There are lots more questions I could ask, but if you find yourself answering yes to any of these questions, chances are you are playing the victim.  The more of these questions you answer yes to, the further into victimhood you have drifted.

Often you might see these traits in people you know who are dealing with grief and loss. When this happens, be sure to check yourself out and see if you are a reacting to them as a victim yourself. And try reaching out to them in positive ways, gently showing them evidence of some of the good and beauty and love in their lives.

What about you, though? What can you do for you?  The first step is recognizing the situation you are in. That’s half the battle.  If you can see it, you can deal with it.  For instance, if you find yourself saying “Nobody knows how I feel,” try looking around you.  Everybody deals with grief and loss at some points in their lives. You are likely to discover that people you care about think that nobody knows how they are feeling either.  When you identify a friend who you know has had a loved one die recently, try reaching out. Try saying something positive to them.  The more you put yourself in the positive space by showing your care, the more likely people are to show you they care about you, too.

If you are spending lots of time alone, do something about that. Call a friend on the phone. Hearing the voice of someone you care about can help. Get together with people if you can, and if that doesn’t work for you right now because of social distancing, do it online.  You could join the Grief and Happiness Alliance online (it’s free) and discover new friends there who are also dealing with loss.  Of find an activity you can do. I learned how to draw and paint by watching YouTube videos and finding free online classes.  Doing something new and different, especially if it is something you always wanted to do, can really raise your spirits.

If you recognize a tendency toward victimhood, and you know you don’t want to be there, you can fix this situation!  The key is your desire to make a change. Recognize when you start saying or feeling negative and adjust what you are saying or feeling right when you recognize it. Be patient with yourself and start focusing on positivity and you can move forward. You can do this!  Brighten up your life right now! You will be so glad you did!

 

You can join the Grief and Happiness Alliance which will meet weekly starting November 14 by clicking here:

You can order Loving and Living Your Way Through Grief by clicking here at Amazon.

I would be happy to put you on the reminder list for or Writing Together Through Grief occurring on Saturdays each week by sending an email to me to emily@lovingandlivingyourwaythroughgrief.com and giving me your email address.

Join my Facebook group here.

Letting Go

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Letting go can be the hardest thing we do in life. Holding on can be the most detrimental.

My single-minded purpose in life for many years has been to love and be loved. I put that into action fully during the years Ron and I were together. By focusing on love, I learned to let love guide me. The more I loved, the more love I had to give. I discovered that as I approached something that seemed to be a problem with love, the problem faded away.

After Ron died, I had a major problem. I didn’t know what to do. My life had been structured around Ron’s needs for so long, I hadn’t been paying attention to taking care of me.  I started writing about my problem in my journal, and the more I focused on having a problem, the bigger the problem became.  This is the opposite of what I was searching for.  I realized that to deal with the problem, I needed to release it.

At the top of my journal page, I wrote “How am I supposed to live without you.” As soon as I wrote that down, the lyrics of Michael Bolton’s song flooded my mind:

How am I supposed to live without you?

And how am I supposed to carry on?

When all that I’ve been living for is gone

That last line hit me hard. I had structured my life around all that needed to be done for Ron to live the best life he could. I don’t regret that at all, and I am grateful I was able to do it. Yet now I realized I had left me out of the equation. And with that realization, I recognized that everything was different, and it was time for me to adjust. Now was the time for me to take good care of myself.

My journal and I became good friends during this time as I wrote about the changes I was experiencing. As I wrote, I saw that I did love myself, but I had not been doing anything to demonstrate that. Just loving wasn’t enough. Action was required. In my writing, I would discover things I could do to nurture that self-love. I addressed what came up one thing at a time, and I gently took care of myself.

I realized that my home was filled with things Ron and I shared.  I started by committing to clean out one drawer or shelf every day.  By doing just one cleaning task at a time, I prevented overwhelm.  If I operated like I had throughout my life, I would have started cleaning, reorganizing, and releasing and continued till exhaustion, probably not completing what I started. By so this one step at a time, I had a chance to remember the significance of things and see the things that were not of significance for me.

Ron had so many books.  Many of the books were on topics I would never read, so I started releasing them.  I filled one grocery bag full at a time. I wrote on each bag where the book would be going. Many of the books went to one friend who was studying what many of the books were about. A great deal of the books went to the Friends of the Library bookstore. By doing one bag at a time, I didn’t become overwhelmed with the task.  This process took months, and that was OK because there was no reason to rush.

Ron loved to collect art, some valuable, most not. I went to visit a friend one day who is an artist. Her walls were covered with her beautiful paintings and photographs. I realized that this art would make me smile, so I purchased several of her works.  I removed some of the works Ron had for many years before me and gave them to a friend wo had the perfect place to display them. Now I have the freshness and beauty of my friend’s art to enjoy every day.

I also was able to clear out his office in our house and freshen it with new paint and counter tops.  This created a pleasant small apartment in my home with its own entrance. Creating this space brought in a lovely new neighbor for me and helped to pay my mortgage now that Ron’s income was gone.

Look around you. What can you change, give away, recycle, or discard that would make room for new memories? What could give you a fresh start? I loved how my home looked before I started this process, and I love it equally now. In the journey of this transformation, I also release feelings and habits that no longer serve me. Moving forward only occurs as your release the anchor that has you clinging to the past. I know that the only thing that is constant is change. I changed what I wanted to when I was ready to, and I am still changing. I always will be.

 

You can order Loving and Living Your Way Through Grief  by clicking here at Amazon.

I would be happy to put you on the reminder list for or Writing Together Through Grief occurring on Saturdays each week by sending an email to me to emily@lovingandlivingyourwaythroughgrief.com and giving me your email address.

Join my Facebook group here.

Lifelong Learning

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Often when people are dealing with loss, they isolate themselves and focus on their loss and sadness, and the more they do this, the harder it is to focus on anything else. When a feeling like this comes up, it’s time to make a choice to help yourself. Taking good care of you is your most important job.

When I realized that I hadn’t been doing anything, I started writing. I wrote about how I was feeling, and about what I wanted to do with the rest of my life. Then I started writing letters to my loved ones who had already transitioned. The more I wrote, the better I felt.  I continued to write every day and still do. The first thing I started on my own at that time was teaching others how to write to deal with their grief too.  I had taught writing for 30 years, so that seemed like a natural next step for me.  I enjoyed meeting new people and being able to help them.

I also realized that besides my writing group, I wasn’t talking to anyone or meeting anyone new. This was pre-pandemic. I started writing a list of things I would like to learn. As that list kept growing, I found myself excited about possibilities. I love to create things, so I looked for classes where I could learn something new.  I started with a drawing class at the local arts center, and I fell in love with colored pencils. I enjoyed that so much that I took more classes there: printmaking, jewelry making, advance ceramics skills, wreath making, watercolors and more!

Two places I always wanted to go were Tuscany and Bali. I found that the international ceramics group I belonged to was taking trips to both places, so I signed up for both.  I felt comfortable traveling with this group because the people in the group all shared my love for ceramics, and I loved the opportunity to meet artists in both countries and get to make ceramics to take home in their beautiful studios. I learned much about the countries and their arts before I left and learned much more in the countries.

When the shutdown came with the pandemic, I planted a giant vegetable garden so I would be able to share food with my friends since most of the food in Hawaii is shipped in and we were all were running low on food.  I learned about permaculture gardening and preparing new vegetables I hadn’t tried before, and I felt great about helping others.

I also discovered resources on my computer, like classes to take, classes I could teach, and sources I could learn from like TED Talks, which cover and endless number of fascinating topics. And I read books I never seemed to have time for before and watched movies that I had missed. There is so much information and entertainment in the world, so I found myself learning something new every day.

As I mentioned at the start of this blog, taking care of you is your most important job when dealing with grief. Take some time to consider all the things you would love to do.  Make a list and start checking it off.  This can bring you lots of happiness. I would love to hear how you have discovered how to spend your time doing new things you have never done before!

 

You can order Loving and Living Your Way Through Grief by clicking here at Amazon.

I would be happy to put you on the reminder list for or Writing Together Through Grief occurring on Saturdays each week by sending an email to me to emily@lovingandlivingyourwaythroughgrief.com and giving me your email address.

Join my Facebook group here.