The Grief and Happiness Alliance

friends

Let’s Connect

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Sitting alone in the evening was such a tough time for me in early grief. I longed for someone to talk to about my day or what my dreams were. I turned to my journal at times like this where I could pour my heart out and figure out what I wanted, where I was going. Does this sound like experiences you have had?

When dealing with loss, I found that people who I considered friends tended to stay away from spending time with me. I was surprised at that.This was the time I longed for their presence, but they weren’t there.  I justified the absence by telling myself that they must be busy. When I had an opportunity to talk to a friend, I told her I missed her and would love to spend time with her. I was surprised when she told me that she was sorry. She wanted to spend time with me, but she didn’t know what to say. She didn’t want to make me feel worse by saying the wrong thing. Wow. What a shock.

I was looking at my loneliness was something that someone else had to fix, but while sitting by myself I knew that I had to take the first step. I remembered that some of my friends ha asked me in the past had asked me how to cook vegan food that tasted good  since they knew I was a certified vegan chef.  With this inspiration, I asked some friends to come to my house to learn how to fix a tasty vegan meal. My friends were happy to join me knowing they had something positive to do together.

Reaching out to who I wanted to be with worked for me. I invited people to go to concerts, to classes, to a film festival, and to my house to make Christmas ornaments together.  Relieving them of their perceived obligation to deal with my grief opened the way for us to be comfortable spending time together. As they saw how I could speak comfortably about my husband who had transitioned allowed them the comfort to join in the conversation when they wanted to.

I found much comfort in writing about what I was dealing this a decided to reach out to people who were seeking ways to deal with their grief. At that time, I didn’t know that many people on Maui who were driving, so I put a message on MeetUp and invited people to come to my house to write about grief together and then talk about it. Suddenly I had a new group of friends who met regularly who were grateful to have found a caring group of friends to share experiences with.

Now I offer you the opportunity to write about things dealing with grief, then share what you wrote about with a whole new groups of friends who get you, like I do. We gather on Zoom once a week and our Grief and Happiness Alliance Nonprofit Organization covers the expenses so you don’t have to pay a thing. People who come to the gatherings have told meow much they appreciate what we do together and the new friends they make.  I have made many new friends from around the world by participating in in this group.

I invite you to connect with me and with your new friends who all are dealing with grief and loss. Much comfort comes from this practice of self-care. And I get to meet you and know you, and share with you, and I love that opportunity. Pease join us! You can make a reservation each week by clicked on this link.

I look forward to connecting with you!

 

 

The Grief and Happiness Alliance

 

Loving and Living Your Way Through Grief

You can listen to my podcast, Grief and Happiness, by clicking here

You can join the Grief and Happiness Alliance which meets weekly on Sundays by clicking here

You can order the International Best Selling The Grief and Happiness Handbook by clicking here.

You can order The Grief and Happiness Cards by clicking here.

You can order Loving and Living Your Way Through Grief by clicking here. https://a.co/d/eWNx3j1

You can sign up for our newsletter here

The Grief and Happiness Alliance

Loving and Living Your Way Through Grief

You can listen to my podcast, Grief and Happiness, by clicking here

You can join the Grief and Happiness Alliance which meets weekly on Sundays by clicking here

You can order the International Best Selling The Grief and Happiness Handbook by clicking here.

You can order The Grief and Happiness Cards by clicking here.

You can order Loving and Living Your Way Through Grief by clicking here.

You’ve Got a Friend

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I recently went to a James Taylor concert which started me thinking about the influence of music in my life.  When we like a song, we tend to listen to it often and the words stick with us. When I thought of the title for this blog, I went on to YouTube to listen to James sing his songs again, and the first song that popped up was You’ve Got a Friend, confirmation that I needed to write about this today.

I’ve always loved music and I’d listen for hours learning all the words to my favorite songs by Elvis, The Beach Boys, The Mamas and the Papas, Joan Baez, The Beatles, and so many more artists. There was only one radio station in town which played news and things my parents wanted to hear. I realized if I wanted to enjoy music, I needed to create it myself. I wanted to get a guitar and learn to play it. We weren’t a family of means and that was out of the question. I was exploring an antique store, I thought. It was actually a junk shop, when I spotted my guitar. It was well worn and had metal strings. I asked the proprietor if there was a way I could pay for it, and he said sure. He would hold it for me till I could pay it off.

The price was $10, which seemed like a million to me. I agreed to pay him at least a quarter, 25 cents, each week until I paid it off. That was 40 weeks, which seemed like forever. He reminded me that he knew my father and he would be sure to tell him if I was late with a payment.  I didn’t want to tell Daddy about it, so I did whatever I could to get all that money, including picking up pennies on the sidewalk. Through my diligence, I brought it home only 16 weeks later. I was so pleased with myself that I told my parents about my magnificent instrument, and they told we that while they were impressed with my ingenuity, to never do anything like that again without telling them.

I found some instructions on how to play and I practiced endlessly. I already knew how to read music since I played the flute. The sharp wire caused bleeding fingers which led to calluses. It was impossible to keep it in tune since the neck was bent, so my parents finally bought me a new guitar and even some lessons. This led me to singing at talent shows and creating an all-girl trio which performed around town. I even took my guitar to college with me in a big city. I auditioned at coffee houses who weren’t so kind about my singing. Then I gave all that up, but still listened to music, memorizing all the lyrics.

That was about when James Taylor’s career started. His songs were always so special, and I loved his connection to the Beatles. Seeing him in person at this point in my life was a real thrill. He’s two years older than I am, and he played the whole show without an opening act. So much energy! His musicians and back-up singers were stellar.  He even punctuated a couple of his energetic songs with a couple of strait up jumps! I‘ve been listening to his music ever since the concert.

Music brings me comfort, smiles, memories, and sometimes even tears.One of my favorite songs of James Taylor is Fire and Rain about losing a friend. He sang “I’ve seen fire and I’ve seen rain. Seen sunny days that I thought would never end . . . but I always thought I’d see you one more time again.” My tears from this song came from my pain thinking of his friend’s suicide and his own heroin addiction, as well as the loss of my friend’s hope.

His sweet, positive music is what I love to listen to brightening my day. My main lesson from his music that I have carried throughout my life is to “Shower the people you love with love. Show them the way that you feel. Things are going to be just fine if you only will.” We can all do this. We can hold the hands of friends who are grieving or dealing with loss.  “You’ll feel better right away” when you are there for someone. How Sweet It Is to treat people with love, and to welcome the love they shower right back to you.

Shower yourself with some love by listening to some of your favorite music today and enjoy.

 

The Grief and Happiness Alliance

Loving and Living Your Way Through Grief

Listen to the Grief and Happiness Podcast here.

My email is emily@griefandhappiness.com

Let me know if you’d like to receive my newsletters which have lots of good things!

You can join the Grief and Happiness Alliance Gatherings which meet weekly on Sundays by clicking here

You can order the International Best Selling The Grief and Happiness Handbook by clicking here.

You can order The Grief and Happiness Cards by clicking here.

You can order Loving and Living Your Way Through Grief by clicking here. https://a.co/d/eWNx3j1

Friendship

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I love Springtime! So many birds are singing and building nests. Gorgeous orchids adorn my avocado tree. Delicate orange and black butterflies flit in front of the background of vivid blue sky with the bright white puffy clouds creating pictures. Yummy vegetables and colorful flowers thrive in my garden. And it’s the perfect time to grow relationships with all your friends and to cultivate new ones.

Friendship is one of the great experiences we get to have in our lifetimes. And friendship is like the flowers that grow and bloom in the garden that rely on loving tending with refreshing quenching with water, rich nutrients from the soil, protection from weeds and snails, and loving care from the gardener.

We nurture friendship just as gardeners nourish what they plant. Consider all your beautiful friends.  Which ones can you refresh with a cup of coffee and a conversation? How can we enjoy their blooming by noticing their growth and accomplishments? Who can we tend to by providing a willing shoulder to diminish their sorrow?

How can you relish the beautiful friendships you already have, and plant the bulbs of new friendships to come? Try writing in your journal a list of all the friends you already have. What can you do to blossom with them right now? Invite someone to go on a walk someplace beautiful to enjoy together. Invite someone else to share lunch and heart to heart conversation. Send a handwritten letter to someone else. Read that list of friends you wrote and plan special things to do with them.

As you take time to do something with or for each person on that list, savor the love and kindness you share and embrace what blossoms from your gardening.

Your garden of friends is already beautiful. Recognize all it provides you with, and always remember to water!

 

 

The Grief and Happiness Alliance

 

Loving and Living Your Way Through Grief

You can listen to my podcast, Grief and Happiness, by clicking here

You can join the Grief and Happiness Alliance which meets weekly on Sundays by clicking here

You can order the International Best Selling The Grief and Happiness Handbook by clicking here.

You can order The Grief and Happiness Cards by clicking here.

You can order Loving and Living Your Way Through Grief by clicking here. https://a.co/d/eWNx3j1

You can sign up for our newsletter here

Last Letters

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Chances are we won’t know when our last breath occurs. Hopefully it will be at a time of peace when we just go to sleep and not wake up. If this is the case for me, I’ve been wondering if I would have said everything I would want to say before I took that last breath.. Who knows when that’s going to come. It could be any moment, or it could be years down the road. I have relatives that lived long lives, and I’ve had relatives that lived short ones without being able to have any idea when their last moments would be. Because of this, I plan to say what I need to say now.

My husband Ron was only on hospice for a week, and he made good use of that time. He made sure to say whatever he wanted to say to anyone he wanted to say it to. We made a list to be sure he would contact everyone he wanted to. We invited anybody that could get to Maui to come be with him during that last week. He was surrounded by good friends; many had been friends for his lifetime. He also had people who were significant in his life that he hadn’t talked to in years and others he had only known a short time. We made a big effort to get them all called, and by the time he finally went to sleep, we had crossed off all the names on this list, and I could see how grateful he was.

He had the opportunity to tell special friends or family members exactly what he wanted to say. I was in awe listening to him have these last conversations with people that he could express things so deeply, and I thought what a wonderful life he had lived in unconditional love with so many different people. So many of us don’t get that opportunity to say goodbye because we don’t know when that last moment will be. My grandmother went to sleep one night and didn’t wake up. I was just 13 years old, and I tried to remember if I had told her that I loved her. I know we exchanged big hugs. She was the one person in my life at that point that hugged me, and that meant the world to me, so I knew she knew I loved her but I’m not sure if I ever expressed it in words. 

My father died suddenly. I am proud to be his daughter and am amazed at the things he was able to accomplish. He was such a good man. My mom dealt with a brain tumor for a long time. I know I got to tell mom what I wanted to tell her, but it was awfully late in her life. I wish we would have been able to have those conversations as we went along. I’ve had friends die suddenly and I didn’t get to tell them goodbye. This made me think about people that I’m close to now. I want to be sure to not leave things unsaid. 

I have new friends who are special to me, and I want them to know how much I care for them, how much I noticed what they’ve done for me, how much I am honored to have been able to do things for them, and how wonderful it is to have deep friendships. Right now, I commit to making a list of all the people I want to express my gratitude to so that they can know while I’m still around. This can lead to beautiful conversations, or at least they will know how I feel about them and the wonderful times that we’ve spent together. I will make sure that everyone I have something to say to is on that list, and I will write to each of them while I still can. I plan to enjoy all the time that I can with the people that I love.

I’d love for you to make a list or at least talk to the special people that you really want to talk to while you can, or like me, use the list and write letters so your words will always be there. The people I love will have something left from me, and I’m grateful for that.

 

 

I have special gift for you since you read this blog. I have created so beautiful stationery for you to use to write your letters. I would love to gift it to you at no charge. Just send me a message to emily@griefandhappiness.com including your name, and if you would like, your address to include on the stationery. Be sure to include the email address you would like me to send the printable PDF file to you.

 

The Grief and Happiness Alliance

Loving and Living Your Way Through Grief

You can listen to my podcast, Grief and Happiness, by clicking here

You can join the Grief and Happiness Alliance which meets weekly on Sundays by clicking here

You can order the International Best Selling The Grief and Happiness Handbook by clicking here.

You can order The Grief and Happiness Cards by clicking here.

You can order Loving and Living Your Way Through Grief by clicking here.

You can sign up for our newsletter here

Dream Your Dreams

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Do you ever get a song stuck in your head and you find yourself singing bits of it all day?

That happens to me all the time, and the song for me today is I Dreamed a Dream from the hit musical Les Mis. Here are some of the words:

I dreamed a dream in time gone by

When hope was high and life worth living

I dreamed that love would never die . . .

And still I dream he’ll come to me

That we would live the years together

But there are dreams that cannot be. . .*

Jacques and I were 21 years apart so I knew that chances were he would go before me, but after 22 years of marriage, I was lost without him. We were fortunate to be together that long, but I always had the dream of a 50th wedding anniversary. And I was alone. In my life I had never lived alone, and all my dreams had to change. I had no intention of marrying again since I still felt married.

Have your dreams had to change? It’s hard, isn’t it.  We are so conditioned to be husband and wife, or a couple, or mother and child, or the role you played before any loss.  So how have your dreams changed since your loss? What have you done about your loneliness?

I did end up marrying again, and when Ron died, I was overwhelmed. Throughout our lives we experience more and more loss. We can become hardened or depressed, but it is much better for you to decide the best ways for you to start moving forward. Discover the dreams you’d like to experience. A good way to do this is to write about it. Here are some ideas of things to write about to help you find new dreams to dream.

I love to make lists. They help me find what I want to further explore. Get out a new journal, I use composition books you can pick up in drug stores or office supply stores. Here are some ideas of things to write about to help you find new dreams to dream:

List one: What are some places you have always wanted to go to and either couldn’t for some reason, or just didn’t get around to. Have you always wanted to travel, like to Tuscany or Bali? Or maybe you wanted to go to National Parks, or to the beach, or to Broadway.

List two: What have you always wanted to do in your community? Think about opportunities like volunteering at a hospital or homeless center. How about volunteering to make meals with a group that arranges something like that. Or volunteer to clean the beach or a forest or a roadside.

List three: What would you like to do to take care of yourself? Play pickle ball. Swim laps at the community pool. Take a dance class or a yoga class. Take a ceramics class or a watercolor class. Join a support group. Join a gym.

List four: Learn a new skill to get a different job. Make a list of occupations you are interested in.  Search online for training programs of jobs you like. Check at the local community college or university.

As you think about all these things, think about the people you would like to meet. Where would they be? Think about what you will do to feel comfortable in a new place.  You may not have needed to plan things like this in the past, but everything is different now. Going someplace different that where you have been comfortable in the past may not be easy.

The key here is to get out of your home and change your perspective. In the process, start thinking about the new dreams you want to dream.  As you do that, think about what you can actively do to make those dreams come true. Then, set your intention for what sounds like you would like to experience the most.

Dreams can come true.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

*Song writers: Alain Albert Boublil / Claude Michel Schonberg / Herbert Kretzmer / Jean Marc Natel.  I Dreamed a Dream lyrics ©

Slow Down

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My husband Ron often suggested that I moved too fast. That would just irritate me and I’d move faster. Why didn’t everyone know I had much to do and so little time? I worked every day and had activities every night. On top of that, I belonged to organizations, sat on boards, worked on Art projects, catered when I could fit it in, and savored the few moments in between to pay attention to my loved ones. Just writing all this down now, I can feel myself tensing up.

When Ron admonished me again, I decided to pay attention. What was I doing that no longer served me and I could let go of? That was big. I’m a list maker, so I wrote a list with all I did, I was committed to, what I felt obligated for, and what I loved. This process was a bit overwhelming. I knew I couldn’t handle everything at once, which I had been trying to do. My new commitment was to pare this list down.

This process took a long time, just as the process of doing all those things. I started by easily releasing things I didn’t enjoy or was no longer interested in. I was amazed how many things fit in those categories. Clearing these things out took a while, yet I was rewarded with more space in my days, room to take a breath.

This experience taught me to be mindful when I decide to say yes or no. Being diligent with this process gradually made my life more pleasant in many ways. This was especially helpful as Ron’s health declined. We spent more and more time together and savored every moment. We established a practice of spending our early mornings outside with a fire in our chiminea. There we would read to each other, meditate, and plan our days. Often friends joined us. I felt grounded and accomplished anything I wanted to with plenty of time left over to enjoy.

After Ron transitioned, I kept up this practice, often joined by friends. Now I enjoy my life while doing what makes me happy while serving others. And I have plenty of time and I have released all the stress I thought was an integral part of my life.

Last week my computer started having issues. In the past I would have been so stressed that I didn’t get much done. This time, I took a big breath and started Googling for help. I felt great about correcting some of the issues, but there were some that were beyond me. Then a new friend dropped by, and I mentioned the issue. She said she knew the perfect person to help. I now have an appointment with him.

What I learned through all of this is that staying calm and setting an intention for what would serve me best works. And it feels so good.

What can you do now to help you slow down and savor your life the most?

 

 

 

The Grief and Happiness Alliance

 

Loving and Living Your Way Through Grief

You can listen to my podcast, Grief and Happiness, by clicking here

You can join the Grief and Happiness Alliance which meets weekly on Sundays by clicking here

You can order the International Best Selling The Grief and Happiness Handbook by clicking here.

You can order The Grief and Happiness Cards by clicking here.

You can order Loving and Living Your Way Through Grief by clicking here.

You can sign up for our newsletter here