Gratitude

Ordinary Moments

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Our lives are made up of millions of moments every day, every hour, every minutes. Some of our moments are spectacular, while most are what we experience we would probably consider as ordinary.  How can we up the number of spectacular, or at least wonderful, moments in our lives?

Think about your day today.  Anything wonderful yet?  Today is special to me, my birthday.  So far, I have had over 200 birthday wishes on Facebook!  I have been hearing from old and new friends, and even from many people I don’t know! And I did a Facebook Fundraiser for the Grief and Happiness Alliance Nonprofit Organization, and over $500 has been donated so far! So many birthdays I have celebrated in the past were lonely, but now each birthday seems so special.

I am visiting in California right now. I came to Ventura to visit a dear friend.  When I arrived, I was overwhelmed by memories of moments.  I lived here with my husband Ron for six beautiful years.  I thought this was my forever home.  I made many special friends, I created lots of art, and I loved the beauty here. As I entered my friend’s home, I realized how many special memories we share. I saw many of my works of art she has collected over the years, and I thought of the many pieces of glass work she has done for me.

I have the sweet memory of the beautiful little wedding Ron and I had here and the lively parties we hosted. I remember the longs walks and the special charming downtown area. And everywhere is close to the beach which isn’t crowded.  I loved the First Friday celebrations we had going to many open artists’ studios.  And the restaurants are so good! When we manifested our house, Ron wanted to live in the country, and I wanted to live in town.  We found a unique house that was built in the 40’s, had 14 mature Hass avocado trees, was walking distance to the hills, was a mile from the beach, and a block from Main Street with restaurants and more! I thought it was our forever home and had some tears when I arrived.

I do love my home in Maui now too.  I have wonderful neighbors, my own studios for my art, a huge garden of vegetables and fruits, a bicoastal view, and so many great friends. I love all the beaches, the upcountry area where I live, and all the great restaurants, concerts, and art galleries.  And I can write and teach and facilitate meetings from my quiet home.

When I look at all these things, I realize that my life is made up of many miraculous, beautiful moments, and I can’t help but smile! How have your moments been today? Can you transform some into little miracles? I hope so!  That feels so good!

 

 

Get your Awaken Your Happiness Journaling Guide at no charge by clicking here: https://www.griefandhappiness.com/pl/2147595767

You can join the Grief and Happiness Alliance which meets weekly on Sundays by clicking here: https://www.griefandhappiness.com/offers/ytK7eLBa

You can order Loving and Living Your Way Through Grief by clicking here at Amazon.

https://www.amazon.com/Loving-Living-Your-Though-Grief/dp/1642504823/ref=tmm_pap_swatch_0?_encoding=UTF8&qid=1658356016&sr=8-1

You can listen to my podcast, Grief and Happiness, here. https://podcasts.apple.com/us/podcast/loving-and-living-your-way-through-grief-with/id1509589686?i=1000535381763

Incredibly Beautiful

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Sometimes I hear a quote that resonates with me, and that happened when I was watching the final episode of This is Us. Someone said “The end is not sad. It’s just the start of the next incredibly beautiful thing.” At the Zoom meeting of the Grief and Happiness Alliance each week we always start by writing about something that has to do with our grief and then we talk about what we write. This quote reminded me of my husbands, so I suggested that we write about it at our last meeting. Thinking of Ron, this is what I wrote:

“Ron transitioned on Friday evening.  His friends who had gathered stayed through the weekend before going back to the mainland. They took me along with them to go dancing where one of them played guitar and sang and a singer who is a good friend was singing too. They played every Sunday evening on a patio outside a golf club restaurant where the view of the ocean and the sunset was so beautiful. I sat there in kind of a fog listening to the music that Ron and I used to enjoy dancing to. They played a slow song that was one of our favorites. I closed my eyes, but the silent tears flowed anyway. When the song finished, there was an unusual silence. I opened my eyes to discover the musicians, all our friends, and even people I barely knew had circled around me showing their love and support. I knew then that I was not alone in my grief and was being held up by their love and strength.”

Then just last week I had this beautiful experience. “Last night I went to a jazz and blues concert in support of the Children’s Arts and Education Group, an organization I support because of all the support they have been to Jacques’ granddaughter, (she calls me grandma), and her husband in creating the Maui Jazz Camp. The they played an amazing version of Someday My Prince Will Come. I closed my eyes, and my husbands, Jacques and Ron, both appeared in my mind.  I danced with them both, one at a time. We swirled, and dipped, and smiled. The dancing was magical. They both were so strong and handsome. I felt the presence of them both and their love and their support. A profound experience and I am grateful.”

Recalling incredibly beautiful moments can bring you warm smiles, and maybe a few tears. And they can remind you of the wonder of loving someone, or two, so deeply.

 

Get your Awaken Your Happiness Journaling Guide at no charge by clicking here: https://www.griefandhappiness.com/pl/2147595767

You can join the Grief and Happiness Alliance which meets weekly on Sundays by clicking here: https://www.griefandhappiness.com/offers/ytK7eLBa

You can order Loving and Living Your Way Through Grief by clicking here at Amazon.

You can listen to my podcast, Grief and Happiness, here. https://podcasts.apple.com/us/podcast/loving-and-living-your-way-through-grief-with/id1509589686?i=1000535381763

Grateful For All Who Served

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I learned recently to not say that someone “committed” suicide as that indicates a judgment when we can’t know what inspired the person to think that suicide was the answer.  Say instead: died by suicide.  Since I started helping people deal with grief, I can’t tell you how many instances of suicide I have some across.

Writer Nicole Spector says that when we say committed suicide it “puts responsibility on the victim, just as the phrase “committed suicide” suggests an almost criminal intent” (reference below). Suicide doesn’t necessarily indicate mental illness. The person may think that they are doing their loved ones a favor because they see themselves as a failure or because they are depressed.  We will never know for sure.

I was thinking about this on Memorial Day as I read an article in Military Times by Dean Lambert who I had the honor of interviewing for my podcast The Importance of End of Life Planning, April 19, 2022. His article, Can We Honor Deaths by Suicide on Memorial Day? (reference below) He asks if we can honor veterans who die of suicide as the result of the experiences they endured in the service to their country. His words are heartbreaking, and I couldn’t help but cry.

This reminded me of when after Ron died, I made an appointment with my cardiologist because my heart medication didn’t seem to be working. Usually, he was hard to get into because we don’t have enough doctors on this remote island, but he told me to come right in. He explained to me that what I was experiencing what not a medication problem but was PTSD.

I was shocked. I thought I was doing the best I could under the circumstances, but he knew the details of what had been happening with Ron, and he knew I had already experienced so much with Jacques.  Fortunately, with his help, I was able to take the best care of me and find the work I am doing now to help others which has been helpful to me at the same time.

I know how bad I felt at that time, I was devastated.  And when I read Dean’s story of his son, I was able to relate. So many veterans come back from serving in unimaginable situations, and they may feel they have to be strong for their loved ones while their lives have been permanently changed.  I want you to read Dean’s article. His message is so important. 

What is tragic now, but is something we can work toward improving, is that veterans who die by suicide are not honored in the same way other veterans are. As Dean says, “By correlating a veteran’s suicide death to combat-related PTSD, granting military death benefits could bring a measure of comfort and a great deal of closure for survivors. Military dependents might be eligible to receive income, financial support for childcare, health insurance, and other VA benefits.”

I lived in a small California town during the Vietnam War. Our town had the highest deaths from that war per capita of any place in the nation.  I saw classmates and friends who did come back who were totally broken. We all see homeless veterans on the streets who have not been able to adapt back into society. We owe it to all veterans to be sure they have the best of care and benefits for their whole lives for what they have done for us.  We tend to take this service for granted and way too many people only offer judgement.

In answer to Dean’s question, Can We Honor Deaths by Suicide on Memorial Day? I say yes, absolutely, without question. We must offer them our deepest gratitude.

 

 

Why mental health advocates use the words ‘died by suicide’

https://www.nbcnews.com/better/health/why-mental-health-advocates-use-words-died-suicide-ncna880546

 

Can We Honor Deaths by Suicide on Memorial Day?

https://www.militarytimes.com/opinion/commentary/2022/05/26/can-we-honor-deaths-by-suicide-on-memorial-day/

 

The Love Always Project

https://www.lovealwaysproject.org

 

The Importance of End of Life Planning

https://shows.acast.com/grief-happiness/episodes/the-importance-of-end-of-life-planning-with-dean-lambert 

 

 

 

You can join the Grief and Happiness Alliance which meets weekly on Sundays by clicking here: https://www.griefandhappiness.com/offers/ytK7eLBa

You can order Loving and Living Your Way Through Grief by clicking here at Amazon.

You can listen to my podcast, Grief and Happiness, here. https://podcasts.apple.com/us/podcast/loving-and-living-your-way-through-grief-with/id1509589686?i=1000535381763

I would be happy to put you on the reminder list for or Writing Together Through Grief occurring on Saturdays each week by sending an email to me to emily@lovingandlivingyourwaythroughgrief.com and giving me your email address.

Join my Facebook group here.

 

 

 

Unconditional Love

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Most of my life I had no idea what unconditional love was. I hadn’t thought much about love in general. I knew my parents loved me, but many times it seemed conditional. The first time I thought I fell in love, I realized that we could only be in love if I was perfect in his eyes in all things, and I wasn’t.  I learned from that the importance of being and doing what someone else expected of me. All that did for me is help me lower my self-esteem.

When my first baby was born, one night nursing him in the middle of the night, I realized what deep, true love really was. He was so little and so fully dependent on me. And I loved caring for him.  I also realized at that moment how my mother must have felt about me, but she was never able to demonstrate it.

I went through life thinking I could find true love if only circumstances were different. If only I was prettier, if only I got better grades, if only I had a magnificent job, if only I married a doctor, if only I was shorter (I grew to six feet tall when I was in seventh grade). All of those if onlys didn’t help me a bit.

When I met Jacques, I learned so much more about love. He loved me just the way I was, and I loved him that way too. I discovered along the way that we developed what I consider now to be a bad habit of judging people, and when you are judging others, you really are judging yourself too, and I fell back into that “if only” place I thought I had left behind.

We were both teaching college, and we’d say if only our students would pay more attention or take their education more seriously.  We both did lots of theatre and we were always complaining about actors not memorizing their lines or missing rehearsals. That judgement of others got in the way of us living our best lives.

I started learning about unconditional love from Ron. If I started to complain, he would say, wouldn’t it be better to do something positive about an issue than to get upset about it? That was hard for me at first, but I eventually realized that it is not my place to judge anyone else. When I learned that, the gateway began to open for me.

I finally started taking responsibility for myself. I stopped finding fault with others. That enabled me to make a huge shift. I started to love people for who they were. I choose to spend time with people I enjoy being with and I don’t judge them. And I don’t judge myself.

Why am I writing about all this right now? I have been observing the state of the world. So much of what is happening that is negative comes from judgement and hate. We could all learn from the song Hal David and Bert Bacharach wrote and Jackie DeShannon sang in the mid-sixties, What the World Needs Now:

What the world needs now is love, sweet love

It’s the only thing there is just too little of . . . .

No not just for some, but for everyone.

Imagine what our world would be now if we all chose to love one another instead of judging them. What if we are all at the beginning of a huge shift in the world? We can be if choose to.

Start right now. Remember the deepest love you have experienced or that you would love to experience. How does that feel? Take that feeling and pay it forward. If you realize you are judging someone or something, forgive yourself, forgive whoever you need to, and then start spreading that beautiful, unconditional love. May it circulate all over the world and beyond.

 

You can join the Grief and Happiness Alliance which meets weekly on Sundays by clicking here: https://www.griefandhappiness.com/offers/ytK7eLBa

You can order Loving and Living Your Way Through Grief by clicking here at Amazon.

You can listen to my podcast, Grief and Happiness, here. https://podcasts.apple.com/us/podcast/loving-and-living-your-way-through-grief-with/id1509589686?i=1000535381763

I would be happy to put you on the reminder list for or Writing Together Through Grief occurring on Saturdays each week by sending an email to me to emily@lovingandlivingyourwaythroughgrief.com and giving me your email address.

Join my Facebook group here.

Don’t Wait!

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My amazing granddaughter, Katie Thiroux, is a fabulous Jazz Singer and upright bass musician and is loved by all-time jazz great Quincy Jones who calls her “Katie-Toes.”. Quincy told her “Be prepared for the opportunities you want. Don’t wait.” Her response to this sage advice is “It’s not about perfection, it’s about being ready IN THE MOMENT.” What a wise woman she is.  She has followed her own advice and has performed all over the world in amazing venues, her podcast, The Hump where she interviews her favorite jazz artists every week, is crazy popular, and she teaches wherever she goes.  I love that she says, “I received amazing opportunities growing up and I am thankful to be in a position to give back, it’s my duty, dig?”

How inspiring is that! I love to follow her example.  This year I am participating in Marci Shimoff’s Your Year of Miracles. One of our activities is to create a theme for the year.  Mine is “Inspired Fulfilled Opportunities.”  I have been paying attention to this intention I set, and I realized I am inspired all the time, but this inspiration is wasted if I don’t pay attention to it. And my inspired intentions easily come to fruition when I commit to acting toward them. And recognizing the opportunities that come my way, I pay attention and act on them and voila! There they are! Isn’t that grand?

Much of my life, I wasn’t paying enough attention to inspiration. I would reflect and say, “If only I had done that when I had the chance.” Do you do that, regret actions you didn’t take? That’s the first step: recognizing what you didn’t do. Now that you can see that, you can change that behavior. If you think something like, “I wish I knew how to draw pictures, or sing, or play the bass,” what happens if you don’t take action? Nothing. That’s right, no action, no benefits. Now that you recognize that, when you say “I would love to be able to (fill in the blank),” you know exactly what to do. Take action on your desire. That’s the only way you will get it.

My friend invited me to help him with a grief retreat that’s coming up.  I’ve been thinking for a couple of years about how much I would love to be in on the planning of a grief retreat to be sure happiness is included, and I got asked to do just that. In the past, I could see myself talking me out of doing this. Not this time! We are going full steam ahead to help create an amazing retreat at Unity Village in October!  I hope you’ll come! Actually, I know you will come if you follow your inspiration to do so.

What are you ready for right now? Have you been putting off taking a class, hosting friends for a game night, dancing to a live band all because of the pandemic? If you are ready, take action! Of course, there are still considerations to stay safe, but you know how to do that. Or have you been thinking you should donate to something to help the people of Ukraine but you haven’t yet because there are so many choices you could make. Don’t let choices paralyze you. Take action on what you believe in.

What advantages have you had in your life that inspire you to give back in honor of that? I learned so much from learning how to play the flute, and I put that into use when I was in my high school band, which was an exceptional group. From doing that, I learned so many values, like integrity, dependability, kindness, and self-confidence. I took what I learned there into raising my children, teaching my classes, writing my books, creating my live theatre and school of arts, and supporting Maui Jazz Camp that Katie and her very talented husband drummer Matt Witek created. All these opportunities enriched my life as well as the lives of all those involved.

How can you give back? What can you say yes to? What kindness that someone did for you can you pay forward by helping someone else?

Would you love to be happy? You can! Just pay attention to your inspiration. Stay open. Stay ready. And say yes!

 

 

Sign up here for the very special gathering of the Grief and Happiness Alliance where we’ll introduce you to what we do. A great place to make friends! https://www.griefandhappiness.com/special-events

 

You can join the Grief and Happiness Alliance which meets weekly on Sundays by clicking here: https://www.griefandhappiness.com/offers/ytK7eLBa

You can order Loving and Living Your Way Through Grief by clicking here at Amazon.

You can listen to my podcast, Grief and Happiness, here. https://podcasts.apple.com/us/podcast/loving-and-living-your-way-through-grief-with/id1509589686?i=1000535381763

I would be happy to put you on the reminder list for or Writing Together Through Grief occurring on Saturdays each week by sending an email to me to emily@lovingandlivingyourwaythroughgrief.com and giving me your email address.

Join my Facebook group here.

Bird Lessons

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A new pet has adopted me.  I probably wouldn’t have chosen him.  He just ended up in my yard and decided it was the place for him to be.  My son even named him Rodney the Rooster.  Roosters are ubiquitous in Hawaii. You’ll see them at airports, in parking lots, and at outdoor restaurants. Unfortunately, Rodney didn’t learn the lesson about crowing at sunrise. He crows all night and during the daytime, too.  Now he brought home a lady friend, and I am OK with that since he’s not quite as noisy, and together they feed on bugs that visit my garden, especially my roses. Watching him strut around my property, I started thinking about all the birds in my life.

When I was a child, a neighbor built an aviary in his back yard. I could hear all the birds and just had to see what they looked like, so I ventured out to peek over his fence.  He noticed me and invited me in.  I was fascinated. He was raising parakeets to sell to the store in town that sold birds, cages, and bird food.  He taught me how to take care of them, feeding them and cleaning up the aviary. He even taught me how to clip their wings. I was so much help to him that he gave me a light blue parakeet and a cage, with my parents’ permission of course. I very carefully clipped my bird’s wings so he wouldn’t be able to fly away from me. Unfortunately, he couldn’t fly away from my sister’s cat either.  The last I saw of him was his tail feathers sticking out of the cat’s mouth. I was devastated with this early lesson on life and death.

A favorite bird we had after I was married was a finch amazon parrot. He was huge, beautiful, and loud. He used to say “Hello pretty boy” all the time, and our whole neighborhood knew when it was dawn. We learned to cover his cage at night which fooled him into thinking that it wasn’t dawn until his cage was uncovered.  We had to leave for a couple of days, so we made sure he had plenty of food and water like we had before whenever we went away.  This time though, somehow, he managed to knock over his water, so we found that beautiful boy laying in the bottom of his cage when we returned home.  I felt responsible. It broke my heart.

I was done with birds, and then we were given 2 little love birds. They we so cute and sweet with each other.  Then one of them got sick, then I got sick, then the other one got sick, and they both died.  We buried them in the backyard. This happened at a time I didn’t have health insurance and I got very ill. I was sure I had pneumonia. I couldn’t eat, couldn’t sleep.  My breathing was difficult, and I had a bad cough. A friend dropped by who happened to be a veterinarian, and he diagnosed me with psittacosis (parrot fever) because the birds had died, and he and told me what the prescription was that I needed.  Fortunately, my aunt was able to get a prescription for me from the doctor she worked for. We had to dig up the birds and give them to the health department who confirmed the psittacosis.

I learned about life and death, and about the responsibility of having birds for pets.  I decided to only enjoy birds in nature from then on. Moving to Maui has allowed me to do just that. There are so many chickens here, and they always seem to be crossing the road. I am surprised we don’t have Chicken Crossing signs, but they’d have to be everywhere!

Ron and I would sit on our lanai, called a deck on the mainland, and listen to the amazing birds singing, especially in the morning.  So many different songs! They would come and play in the water of our fountain close to the lanai. They almost always were in pairs and were beautiful to watch, especially the cardinals. Ron would go outside at dawn every morning to watch the cattle egrets fly in formation up the volcano we live on the side of.  They always flew right over our house. I think Ron attracted them.

I loved to watch the birds gather components for their nest building.  I am amazed what they found to use.  One bird had a thin piece of plastic that flowed all the way down to the ground. We watched as bit by bit that little bird got all of it into the tree.  I imagined him sharing with his fellow birds since there are so many of them!

I am grateful that I learned the importance of the freedom of the birds.  They don’t live by arbitrary rules that we make up when we capture them. Being free, their songs seem joyful. I’ll continue to listen to all these beautiful birds and take the time to enjoy their lovely songs. And I relish their company even at this distance.

 

You can join the Grief and Happiness Alliance which meets weekly on Sundays by clicking here: https://www.griefandhappiness.com/offers/ytK7eLBa

You can order Loving and Living Your Way Through Grief by clicking here at Amazon.

You can listen to my podcast, Grief and Happiness, here. https://podcasts.apple.com/us/podcast/loving-and-living-your-way-through-grief-with/id1509589686?i=1000535381763

I would be happy to put you on the reminder list for or Writing Together Through Grief occurring on Saturdays each week by sending an email to me to emily@lovingandlivingyourwaythroughgrief.com and giving me your email address.

Join my Facebook group here.