Gratitude

Holidays Checklist

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I interviewed Lisa Hepner, author of The Christmas Checklist, for my podcast and was so inspired. The book is about a dying mother who was concerned about how her daughter would handle the Christmas season without her. Her daughter, Emily, discovered the list after her mother transitioned and allowed it to help her through the holidays.

When I think of lists for Christmas, I think of writing who I need to find gifts for, who I will send cards to, and all the things I need to get done. Emily’s mother’s list is so different from that. Each item of this list was carefully chosen as a different way of handling the season. The twelve items on the list included things like:

  • Volunteer for a cause.
  • Do something you are afraid of.
  • Forgive a grudge. Life is too short to hold grudges.

As I followed Emily’s journey of completing every item on the list, I could see how through following her mother’s loving guidance, Emily discovered her holiday joy. This inspired me to write my own Holiday Checklist, and to complete every item on it. When I told Lisa about my list, she smiled and said that was exactly what she wanted people to do when they read her book.

Here’s my list:

  1. Make a new friend.
  2. Spend some time with an old friend I haven’t seen lately.
  3. Bake cookies and share them with my neighbors.
  4. Go to a concert.
  5. Create my own Christmas cards and mail them.
  6. Learn something new.
  7. Spend some time outside every day.
  8. Write something in my journal every day that brings me joy.
  9. Surprise someone with an anonymous gift.
  10. Do something special just for me.

Just reading my list makes me smile with anticipation of the holiday joy completing it will bring me. What will you include on your Holiday Checklist? I hope you will share your list with me! I know this project will bring you holiday joy!

 

To get a free copy of Lisa’s list, click here:

https://thechristmaschecklist.com/

The Christmas Checklist has been made into a movie on Amazon Prime and can be seen on CBS.

Just to let you know the movie, The Christmas Checklist, is streaming on Amazon Prime, Roku, Tubi and Peacock. It’s about an hour and 45 minutes.
The limited series (4 episodes, 45 minutes each) is on You Tube. (Part 3 and 4 will be uploaded on Friday). In case you want to watch.Lots of viewing options.

 

You can join the Grief and Happiness Alliance which meets weekly on Sundays by clicking here

You can order the International Best Selling The Grief and Happiness Handbook by clicking here.

You can order Loving and Living Your Way Through Grief by clicking here at Amazon:

You can listen to my podcast, Grief and Happiness, by clicking here

Grateful for Love

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Holidays bring memories of our precious loved ones who aren’t at the table. Try finding ways to feel their presence.  I start every day with my journal, so on holidays I always write to my loved ones. Many of us have the tradition of saying what we are thankful for at the table before we eat. I do that, and I also write in my journal something I am grateful for about my loved ones. And I record special memories. Starting my day that way allows me to feel their comfort all day.

I remember home cured olives mom’s friends would bring. I remember putting my handprint on a steamy kitchen window while relishing the fragrance of sage and thyme. I remember laughter and storytelling at the table. Most Thanksgivings I’ve invited people who don’t have someplace else to go. We’ve had traveling nurses, actors, friends we rarely saw, and even ex-wives—. We share memories of our loved ones and often raise a toast in honor of them.

I usually don’t wear jewelry any more with my casual island lifestyle. But during the holidays I make an exception. I’ll wear the ruby ring my Daddy gave me for my 16th birthday to remember him by. I wear the ring Jacques had made for me with my children’s birthstones. I wear my wedding ring and Ron’s that I had fused together. And I wear lots of other beautiful things that remind me of the great lives I have experienced, and still experience now in a different way.

For dinner we have special foods that say Thanksgiving to me. I love to make the herby dressing my mom did and the cornbread stuffing my mother-in-law Fran always made. And I always make what mom called Waldorf salad that isn’t like any recipe I’ve seen. Most people don’t care for it, but for my son and I, it wouldn’t be Thanksgiving without  its yumminess.

And the day wouldn’t be complete without music, so in the background there will always be some J. S. Bach and some smooth jazz. Make your holiday special, even if you aren’t preparing a feast. Fill it with loving memories and smiles. Text your loved ones who aren’t there with you, and savor the love you have had throughout your life.

I’m sending you lots of comfort for a day filled with love.

 

You can listen to my podcast, Grief and Happiness, by clicking here

You can join the Grief and Happiness Alliance which meets weekly on Sundays by clicking here

You can order the International Best Selling The Grief and Happiness Handbook by clicking here.

You can order The Grief and Happiness Cards by clicking here.

You can order Loving and Living Your Way Through Grief by clicking here. https://a.co/d/eWNx3j1

 

Three and a Half Rainbows

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Christmas Eve, 2015, my husband was discharged from the hospital. Our ride home that day was one I thought we wouldn’t have been taking. He was critically ill with congestive heart failure and had spent many days in the hospital this time. In the past his stays had been shorter, so I was fighting with the thought of him not coming home. I knew dwelling in this thought was not serving us, yet it was pulling me away from the joy of the moment that he really was coming home.

We live on Maui, and rainbows are a big deal here. They are even on our car license plates. The first rainbow I saw that day was from his hospital window. I had developed the practice of taking a deep breath every time I saw a rainbow, and that breath was essential in that moment.

As we started our half hour drive home, I saw another rainbow, a really big one, ahead of us. I commented on its beauty as I enjoyed another deep breath. As we continued our journey, rainbows continued to appear. They we all different shapes and sizes and appearing in totally different locations, so I knew I was seeing the same one just from different angles.

As we got close to home, we saw a giant rainbow and we could see it touching the ground in a vacant field. And I noticed the absence of a pot of gold. Right then I realized I was sitting in that pot of gold in my car with my husband beside me knowing that we were experiencing Christmas together. I counted nine rainbows that day.

Since then, I smile every time I see a rainbow, take that deep breath, and know that in that moment all is well.

We have been dealing with higher temperatures on Maui and a lack of rain. Rainbows also are absent in the sky and our verdant island is now brown.  With the tragedy of all the wildfires, including the devastating Lahaina fire, we are on edge, wondering when the next fire will come.

Saturday, I went to an art class in a beautiful old mansion perched on a hill when the top of a giant, vivid rainbow appeared. Though I couldn’t see it all, I realized I was standing above it, over the rainbow so to speak. I took in my deep breath and smiled, and though it was barely sprinkling, It finally felt like rain may come.

The next day from the window in my friend’s car, we saw a giant vivid rainbow seemingly miles wide. Still no rain.

The next day in the middle of several days with high, dry winds reaching up to fifty miles an hour, the emergency alarms went off on our phones indicating yet another fire and the main highway on the island was closed both directions because of that wildfire.

I was hesitant to drive to a doctor’s appointment, but I ventured out anyway. As I came out of the office, there was another big rainbow seeming to go ahead of my car on my journey home.  As I got close to home, a short, wide rainbow appeared on a dark cloud next to the big one. I knew it was the only part of the double rainbow that I couldn’t see the rest of, but it looked like half a rainbow to me.

After the three days of rainbows, the blessed rain finally came, the fire was put out, and there is hope for recovery of our beautiful Maui.

When we pay attention, we can experience signs around us meant to give comfort and assurance that all is well. I am grateful for my three and a half rainbows. I take a deep breath and smile.

 

You can listen to my podcast, Grief and Happiness, by clicking here

You can join the Grief and Happiness Alliance which meets weekly on Sundays by clicking here

You can order the International Best Selling The Grief and Happiness Handbook by clicking here.

You can order The Grief and Happiness Cards by clicking here.

You can order Loving and Living Your Way Through Grief by clicking here at Amazon:

Like a Child

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I was a latchkey child. Back in the olden days when I was young, starting in Kindergarten I walked to and from school by myself and entertained myself after school. My favorite childhood memories came from those times. I was so creative! I loved being outside, and walking was fun for me. I loved looking at all the houses and imagining what went on inside.  I especially liked the luscious fragrances wafting from the kitchens or the sweet smell of freshly mowed grass.

I knew all the families on our block, so if I ever needed anything, I visited them. There were no fences. I especially liked the people across the street who had an aviary for parakeets. They’d let me help with the birds and even gave me a pretty blue one to keep as a thank you. I wasn’t lonely because Julie was my imaginary friend. We loved to play together, and she was an amazing listener who always liked my ideas. She shared my bedroom and loved the same toys I did. She was a perfect friend!

The freedom I experienced at such a young age taught me to be independent, wise, brave, creative, and self-assured.  I heard someone giving advice recently who said, “Let your little girl lead the way.” With that, I remembered my little girl and how cool she was!  When I thought of myself as a little girl, I was impressed. I also saw that the words I used to describe her then are words I can use to describe me now. Of course, in all the years between then and now, I could use lots of other words to describe me, not always so positive. Now I have come full circle and am happy and grateful for the simplicity of my life.

What was your little girl (or little boy) like? Does your life now reflect who you were when you were young? I don’t remember things like wants or needs. I do remember peace and happiness. When you start to get stressed and have lots of “if only” thoughts beating you down, remember the good feelings you had as a child and let that child guide you to smile, be brave, and be strong. Make a list of the good attributes you had when you were young, and consider how that child in your past can bring you joy today.

 

You can join the Grief and Happiness Alliance which meets weekly on Sundays by clicking here

You can order the International Best Selling The Grief and Happiness Handbook by clicking here.

You can order Loving and Living Your Way Through Grief by clicking here at Amazon:

You can listen to my podcast, Grief and Happiness, by clicking here

Me

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A popular assignment in writing classes at the university where I taught was to ask the students to write their own obituaries. I encouraged the students to write from the perspective of their futures as if they were 60 to 80 years old, reflecting on what they had accomplished in their lives.

The students had a hard time writing this.  They didn’t know what their futures would hold, and they had a hard time imagining what they might experience. They were focused on finishing their educations and getting jobs. I chose to write my own obituary to give them an idea of what theirs could be like. My life has changed so much since then, it’s time for me to write a new one,

Now I would focus on what has been most important in my life. Before I reflected on things like degrees, accomplishments, and awards. Now I write about love, relationships, and the beauty in my life.

Now what I want people to remember about me is that my purpose in life has been and is to serve others, not only my family and loved ones, but anyone who desires comfort, support, love, and happiness. And I would express how I would be honored if anyone would choose to emulate the purpose I have held.

I would also express my gratitude to everyone who has loved and supported me on my way. Of course, I also love to express that gratitude now while I can do it in person.

What would you write in your obituary?

 

You can join the Grief and Happiness Alliance which meets weekly on Sundays by clicking here

You can order the International Best Selling The Grief and Happiness Handbook by clicking here.

You can order Loving and Living Your Way Through Grief by clicking here at Amazon:

You can listen to my podcast, Grief and Happiness, by clicking here

A Good Death

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I put myself through college by working as a Licensed Vocational Nurse. People in the medical field are sometimes approached by others for medical advice. I didn’t give medical advice, but I did help people when I could. One day, a friend of a friend called me and said that her mother was staying at her home while she was on Hospice. She said that her regular visiting nurse couldn’t come in that day and that her mother needed to be bathed and to give her medications, and she asked me if I could help. So, I did.

When I arrived, the mother’s family was gathered around her, though she was no longer speaking. I suggested that for her privacy that they could wait in the other room while she got her bath. I gave her a bed bath, which was a beautiful experience as she was so peaceful. During the bath, I sensed she was transitioning. I took her pulse, which was very slow and irregular, and her breathing had slowed way down.

By the end of her bath, her heart had stopped. I put on the powder that she loved and dressed her in a fresh nightgown. She looked comfortable. I told her family that her breathing and heart had stopped and that she was no longer in pain. They gathered around her, and I quietly slipped away.  On my drive home, I realized she had a good death.

What would you consider a good death? For your loved ones? For you? Although my mother dealt with the effects of a brain tumor for a couple of years, she died in her bed with me by her side, giving her permission to go. My dad died a good death in that he had a heart attack and didn’t have to struggle with pain or a long hospitalization. My husband Ron died a good death as the last week of his life he was on hospice, and he got to say goodbye to his friends and family who had traveled to Maui to be with him. And he face-timed with those who couldn’t make the trip to Maui. My mother-in-law died a good death in the hospital where she wanted to be. I was by her side giving her permission to go, and she got to avoid having surgery she didn’t want for a bowel obstruction.

The experience that I had with my mother and mother-in-law of giving them permission to let go is often done.  When people realize that death is near, they may fear death, or they may not want to cause pain to their loved ones by having them present to witness the death.  I have given the same message to others, and they all seemed to relax as they died. For these people, their death was good.

The key to having a good death is to speak openly about the inevitability of death with your loved ones. Think about what is important to you and to your loved ones not only for your death but also theirs.  Here are some ideas for what to talk about:

  • You may want all lifesaving procedures to be done if your heart stops. Or you may not want this.
  • You may want to die with dignity. Define what that means to you.
  • You may want to have a feeding tube to bring you nutrition if you can no longer swallow. Or you may not want a feeding tube ever.
  • You may have religious or spiritual considerations you want followed.
  • You may want your quality of life considered when decisions are being made regarding life savings measures.
  • You may not choose to obey a doctor’s orders, and you have a right to make that decision.

Now is the time for you to have these conversations and to examine how you feel about all of this.

My definition of a good death is one where my wishes for me are followed and where I am pain free.  What is your definition of a good death?

 

 

You can join the Grief and Happiness Alliance, which meets weekly on Sundays by clicking here

You can order the International Best Selling The Grief and Happiness Handbook by clicking here.

You can order Loving and Living Your Way Through Grief by clicking here at Amazon:

You can listen to my podcast, Grief and Happiness, by clicking here