The Grief and Happiness Alliance

grief

Comfort, Support, Happiness, and Friends

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I am thrilled to announce the formation of The Grief and Happiness Alliance  which is a membership program where you can find comfort, support, happiness, and friends.

Everyone deals with grief and loss in their lifetimes. When you are in that situation, having friends to relate to who are also dealing with loss can make all the difference in how you feel.

While we grieve for the loss of a loved one, we also grieve many other losses in our lives like losing a job, getting divorced, suffering and injury, having a life-threatening diagnosis, or having a friend move away.  People deal with these losses in different ways. Some people isolate themselves so others won’t see their pain, others are openly sad and hurting, while others attempt to ignore the pain.  I have found that the best way to deal with loss is to pay attention to it and use healthy, constructive methods to help yourself.

Let me show you three ways you can start right now to help you feel better.

  1. Take good care of yourself. Often while dealing with grief or loss we forget to eat, or we eat too much. We may not pay attention to our personal appearance. We may not take care of where we live. We may not stay in contact with people. We may feel that no one could understand how you are feeling. Instead of dealing with what you are experiencing in these ways that do not serve you, try being gentle with yourself. Plan what you will be eating and make healthy choices. Get out in nature even if it is only a walk in the neighborhood. Call a friend just to talk, or write that friend a letter, a card, or an email to keep in touch. Take a nice hot shower or soak in a refreshing bath. Go shopping, even if it is only online, and buy yourself something new to wear that you know you will feel good wearing. Mostly, love your precious self up. You are so worth it.
  2. Set a goal for each day first thing when you get up. You can start small. Make sure that the goal you set is something you can do in one day. For instance, set a goal to get outside and walk to the corner and back, instead of setting a goal to spend an hour at the gym working out hard when you haven’t stepped into the gym for months. The more goals you accomplish, the better you will feel. Make a list of things you’d really like to do, then get started with one item on the list at a time.
  3. Laugh! If you need something to inspire your laughter, search on You Tube for funny animals. Or watch a funny movie. My aunt and uncle were in a car accident where she was severely injured, and he died. During her recovery, she watched the movie Patch Adams every day. I asked her if she was getting tired of watching it, and she said no.  She pointed out she couldn’t help but laugh at the funny parts and she loved the love and kindness that was demonstrated in the movie.  Find a movie or a book or a television show or a comedian that always makes you laugh then laugh all you can.

These three ways are just the start of all you can do to help yourself. They are all simple and mostly free. And the more you do each of them, the better you will feel. When you can start to focus on today, this moment, and do whatever you need to so that you can feel your best, each moment is easier than the last. When you focus on what you have lost, those moments will continue to get worse.

Would you like some help with all of this?  I have just what you need.

The Grief and Happiness Alliance is designed to support you in starting to move forward with your grief. Most people when dealing with grief and loss find themselves being mostly alone and not knowing what to do to feel any better. They also may be unfamiliar with the affect grieving can have on their lives, or maybe they do, but the grief they are dealing with now is bigger and more challenging. If this is you, participating in The Grief and Happiness Alliance can be a perfect experience. In the alliance, you will be meeting with others who are also dealing with loss. You are not alone. And you will experience ways to dealing with your grief by writing, by talking to each other, and by learning happiness practices that comfort and support you. Being listened to and listening to others often doesn’t happen when you are grieving, but the alliance is a place where you can do both., You will discover new friends, new ways to express yourself, and new happiness. And you will look forward to meeting online with The Grief and Happiness Alliance online that meets for an hour every week.

In The Grief and Happiness Alliance you can form comfortable relationships with new friends. You will have the opportunity to express emotions where you know you will be supported. Belonging to a group of people who share challenges like the ones you are experiencing, you will find opportunities to support each other. Each week we will do different writing and happiness practices that enable you to have tools to use to take care of yourself as you start moving forward. We will have occasional guests and enjoyable activities so there is always something new to experience.

As a member of the Alliance, you can create a notebook, either a hard copy or online, where you keep your writing and the PDF materials for class. This will be a special keepsake you can turn to for comfort as well as record your progress and your meaningful experiences along the way. You can stay in the Alliance for as long as you want to.

The Grief and Happiness Alliance is a membership program which is offered at no cost due to the generosity of the Grief and Happiness Alliance Nonprofit Organization.

Benefits of being a member of The Grief And Happiness Alliance:

  • Weekly group meetings which include happiness practices, writing sessions, and peer support.
  • Special activities and guests
  • Invitations to retreats
  • And more surprises along the way

When you sign up for The Grief And Happiness Alliance program today, you will immediately gain access to my online Grief, Love, Happiness, and Writing Haiku Poetry course for free.

Be sure join The Grief And Happiness Alliance now by clicking on this link: Grief and Happiness.

Our first meeting is Sunday November 14 at 10 AM Hawaii Standard Time, Noon PST, and 3 PM EST.

Be sure to share this information with anyone you know who could benefit from this program.

 

You can join the Grief and Happiness Alliance which will meet weekly starting November 14 by clicking here: https://www.griefandhappiness.com/offers/ytK7eLBa

 

You can order Loving and Living Your Way Through Grief by clicking here at Amazon.

I would be happy to put you on the reminder list for or Writing Together Through Grief occurring on Saturdays each week by sending an email to me to emily@lovingandlivingyourwaythroughgrief.com and giving me your email address.

Join my Facebook group here.

 

 

 

Sacred Conversations

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We almost never know when we have a conversation with someone that it will be for the last time.  In the case of someone dying from a terminal illness, you may know it is your last conversation, yet so often people die without warning, and we don’t get to have that last talk with each other. This can be devastating. You can, however, make sure this won’t happen to you, or maybe happen to you again.  The key is to always speak with your heart.

My last conversation with my husband Jacques was about an hour before he died when he asked me if he was going to get better. He was a brilliant man who had health issued for years with his final two years being the most challenging. He even taught the course nursing students were required to take at the college: The Ethics of Living and Dying. Shortly before he died, he asked me if he was going to get better.  I was shocked.  At this moment, I realized that he had been submitting to painful treatments and eating a diet he hated because somehow, he had decided that doing these things would heal him and he could go back to his wonderful life before the dressing changes, the constant lab work, the dialysis, the insulin shots, and the frequent hospitalizations.

I felt like a major failure. I was so sure that he realized that all he was going through was to keep him as comfortable as he could be in his decline. I was feeling that I had failed him by not helping him see what the reality of his situation was. As I reflect on that time now, this was probably for the best because he lived with hope. He never saw himself as dying.

Everything was different with my husband Ron. He knew exactly what was happening, and we talked about everything openly.  He focused his last week on having a final conversation with everyone he loved. So much love was exchanged that week and so much positivity. We left nothing unsaid.

Now I focus on love in every aspect of my life.  With this focus, I always tell the truth and don’t dwell in sorrow.  By being able to treat each conversation as if it is my last one with whomever I am talking to, I focus on smiling, being kind, and being truthful.  I recently had a friend die, and as I reflected on the last time we spoke, I remember the love and the smiles. I can live easily with that.

 

 

You can join the Grief and Happiness Alliance which will meet weekly starting November 14 by clicking here: https://www.griefandhappiness.com/offers/ytK7eLBa

You can order Loving and Living Your Way Through Grief by clicking here at Amazon.

I would be happy to put you on the reminder list for or Writing Together Through Grief occurring on Saturdays each week by sending an email to me to emily@lovingandlivingyourwaythroughgrief.com and giving me your email address.

Join my Facebook group here.

Complaining

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Are you a complainer? I certainly was at one time in my life.  I didn’t see it at the time, but I was constantly criticizing. Nothing was ever quite right or good enough. I rarely was satisfied. As I reflect on that time, I can see how unhappy all that complaining was making me. My food wasn’t hot enough or cold enough. The movie I saw wasn’t that great. My friend stood me up. My coworker didn’t get her job done so I had to pick up the slack. There was no way I could get my assignment done on time. I was always tired. I remembered a phrase I used to say in my childhood: “Nobody likes me. Everybody hates met. I am going to eat worms and die.” Yuk! That was no way to live!

Then someone pointed out to me that I was always playing the victim, and that no one wanted to be friends with someone so negative.  What got me the most is that I had never realized I was doing that.  The people around me all seemed to be playing the same game, and I saw that I didn’t really want to be around them either!  Something had to change.

How does this situation apply to grieving? Because most people grieving slip into victimhood at some point, and the deeper you slide down the slope, the harder it is to pull yourself back up. Do you see when you played the victim roll? Or maybe you are doing that now? The good news is that you don’t have to stay there.

Early in your grief is the time that this is most likely to happen, and if you don’t realize that you are playing the victim, it’s only going to get worse. How can you tell if this is what you are doing?  Answer these questions to help you decide:

  1. Do you find yourself saying “Nobody understands what I am going through”?
  2. Do you spend lots of time alone because you feel like no one wants to be around you?
  3. Did you have friends before your loss that you don’t have anymore?
  4. Do you eat too much or not enough because it doesn’t matter what you look like?
  5. Do you complain a lot, even if it is just to yourself?
  6. Are you negative much of the time?

There are lots more questions I could ask, but if you find yourself answering yes to any of these questions, chances are you are playing the victim.  The more of these questions you answer yes to, the further into victimhood you have drifted.

Often you might see these traits in people you know who are dealing with grief and loss. When this happens, be sure to check yourself out and see if you are a reacting to them as a victim yourself. And try reaching out to them in positive ways, gently showing them evidence of some of the good and beauty and love in their lives.

What about you, though? What can you do for you?  The first step is recognizing the situation you are in. That’s half the battle.  If you can see it, you can deal with it.  For instance, if you find yourself saying “Nobody knows how I feel,” try looking around you.  Everybody deals with grief and loss at some points in their lives. You are likely to discover that people you care about think that nobody knows how they are feeling either.  When you identify a friend who you know has had a loved one die recently, try reaching out. Try saying something positive to them.  The more you put yourself in the positive space by showing your care, the more likely people are to show you they care about you, too.

If you are spending lots of time alone, do something about that. Call a friend on the phone. Hearing the voice of someone you care about can help. Get together with people if you can, and if that doesn’t work for you right now because of social distancing, do it online.  You could join the Grief and Happiness Alliance online (it’s free) and discover new friends there who are also dealing with loss.  Of find an activity you can do. I learned how to draw and paint by watching YouTube videos and finding free online classes.  Doing something new and different, especially if it is something you always wanted to do, can really raise your spirits.

If you recognize a tendency toward victimhood, and you know you don’t want to be there, you can fix this situation!  The key is your desire to make a change. Recognize when you start saying or feeling negative and adjust what you are saying or feeling right when you recognize it. Be patient with yourself and start focusing on positivity and you can move forward. You can do this!  Brighten up your life right now! You will be so glad you did!

 

You can join the Grief and Happiness Alliance which will meet weekly starting November 14 by clicking here:

You can order Loving and Living Your Way Through Grief by clicking here at Amazon.

I would be happy to put you on the reminder list for or Writing Together Through Grief occurring on Saturdays each week by sending an email to me to emily@lovingandlivingyourwaythroughgrief.com and giving me your email address.

Join my Facebook group here.

Letting Go

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Letting go can be the hardest thing we do in life. Holding on can be the most detrimental.

My single-minded purpose in life for many years has been to love and be loved. I put that into action fully during the years Ron and I were together. By focusing on love, I learned to let love guide me. The more I loved, the more love I had to give. I discovered that as I approached something that seemed to be a problem with love, the problem faded away.

After Ron died, I had a major problem. I didn’t know what to do. My life had been structured around Ron’s needs for so long, I hadn’t been paying attention to taking care of me.  I started writing about my problem in my journal, and the more I focused on having a problem, the bigger the problem became.  This is the opposite of what I was searching for.  I realized that to deal with the problem, I needed to release it.

At the top of my journal page, I wrote “How am I supposed to live without you.” As soon as I wrote that down, the lyrics of Michael Bolton’s song flooded my mind:

How am I supposed to live without you?

And how am I supposed to carry on?

When all that I’ve been living for is gone

That last line hit me hard. I had structured my life around all that needed to be done for Ron to live the best life he could. I don’t regret that at all, and I am grateful I was able to do it. Yet now I realized I had left me out of the equation. And with that realization, I recognized that everything was different, and it was time for me to adjust. Now was the time for me to take good care of myself.

My journal and I became good friends during this time as I wrote about the changes I was experiencing. As I wrote, I saw that I did love myself, but I had not been doing anything to demonstrate that. Just loving wasn’t enough. Action was required. In my writing, I would discover things I could do to nurture that self-love. I addressed what came up one thing at a time, and I gently took care of myself.

I realized that my home was filled with things Ron and I shared.  I started by committing to clean out one drawer or shelf every day.  By doing just one cleaning task at a time, I prevented overwhelm.  If I operated like I had throughout my life, I would have started cleaning, reorganizing, and releasing and continued till exhaustion, probably not completing what I started. By so this one step at a time, I had a chance to remember the significance of things and see the things that were not of significance for me.

Ron had so many books.  Many of the books were on topics I would never read, so I started releasing them.  I filled one grocery bag full at a time. I wrote on each bag where the book would be going. Many of the books went to one friend who was studying what many of the books were about. A great deal of the books went to the Friends of the Library bookstore. By doing one bag at a time, I didn’t become overwhelmed with the task.  This process took months, and that was OK because there was no reason to rush.

Ron loved to collect art, some valuable, most not. I went to visit a friend one day who is an artist. Her walls were covered with her beautiful paintings and photographs. I realized that this art would make me smile, so I purchased several of her works.  I removed some of the works Ron had for many years before me and gave them to a friend wo had the perfect place to display them. Now I have the freshness and beauty of my friend’s art to enjoy every day.

I also was able to clear out his office in our house and freshen it with new paint and counter tops.  This created a pleasant small apartment in my home with its own entrance. Creating this space brought in a lovely new neighbor for me and helped to pay my mortgage now that Ron’s income was gone.

Look around you. What can you change, give away, recycle, or discard that would make room for new memories? What could give you a fresh start? I loved how my home looked before I started this process, and I love it equally now. In the journey of this transformation, I also release feelings and habits that no longer serve me. Moving forward only occurs as your release the anchor that has you clinging to the past. I know that the only thing that is constant is change. I changed what I wanted to when I was ready to, and I am still changing. I always will be.

 

You can order Loving and Living Your Way Through Grief  by clicking here at Amazon.

I would be happy to put you on the reminder list for or Writing Together Through Grief occurring on Saturdays each week by sending an email to me to emily@lovingandlivingyourwaythroughgrief.com and giving me your email address.

Join my Facebook group here.

The Rhythm Reminders

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Our lives are full of rhythm. I have vivid memories of the sounds from my husband’s hospital bedside. The Darth Vader sounds from the Bi-Pap machine got me in touch with the constant rhythm of the breathing it forced. There were always call light alarms from other patients in the hallway seeking the attention of the scurrying nurses. The cardiac monitor’s rhythmic beeps were comforting with their assurance of his life. And each time the alarms on the monitor went off, a new wave of terror would ensue. What this it? Is this the time his heart would stop?

The constant sounds would alternate between keeping us awake and lulling us to sleep. Each of us responded in our own ways to the constant noise. Hearing his heartbeats beep, beep, beep from the monitor provided the assurance that he was still alive and not in immediate danger, but the screech of the alarms never stopped the panic that happened each time they went off.

Eventually, each time we visited the hospital, the rhythms became regular long enough for us to go home again. Home was so silent that we played music to distract us from the lack of sound. In bed, l loved to rest my head on his chest to listen to the reassurance of his breaths and heartbeats.

I was with both of my husbands at the moments of their transition. I witnessed their last breaths know that their hearts had stopped beating when their lungs stopped. The silence was deafening.

At home by myself, there was no more rhythm to check for. I so missed to life we shared. I started playing music most of the time I was awake, unknowingly seeking that rhythm of life. JS Bach’s concertos, fugues, and airs brought me peace. Air on a G String was especially grounding for me. I still listen to it when I am seeking peace.

I remembered hearing about EFT which stands for Emotional Freedom Technique tapping.  I researched it on the Internet and tried it out. EFT is an alternative treatment for physical and emotional pain, so tried it, and it helped.  Focusing of the rhythm of the taps of my fingers and moving those taps to different parts of my body spread the comfort.

Djembe drumming also assuaged the pain of the loss that crept into my daily life. I can easily sit and drum in my back yard, or when I want the solace of companionship, I can always take my djembe to a drum circle. Nobody taught me how to drum. I learned as I followed along with others who were drumming.

Rhythm is a constant reminder of our humanity. When the rhythm of our bodies finally becomes still, the rhythm of the living keeps on. Get in sync with your rhythm and move forward.

 

This links to JS Bach’s Air in G    https://youtu.be/5AaTCs7ulgg

This links to comforting drumming  https://youtu.be/LznxZDX7fo4

This links to more information about EFT.   https://www.healthline.com/health/eft-tapping#research

 

 

You can order Loving and Living Your Way Through Grief  by clicking here at Amazon.

I would be happy to put you on the reminder list for or Writing Together Through Grief occurring on Saturdays each week by sending an email to me to emily@lovingandlivingyourwaythroughgrief.com and giving me your email address.

Join my Facebook group here.

My Friend’s Departure

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I just received an email telling me that a friend I dearly love has “graduated from earth school.”  She had been dealing with health issues for a while. I knew they were serious, and I had been praying for her. I still feel shocked.

I met Rev. Dr. Joanna Thompson Gabriel when she found my online presence and joined my Writing Through Grief with Emily Facebook group.  I post a writing prompt in that group every Sunday, and she took this seriously.  She wrote beautiful long responses that she shared with the group. Her writing was always deep and inspiring. I even created a file on my computer where I could treasure her words and read them again when I am inspired to.

In September of 2020, we both were asked to present in a virtual women’s conference hosted by Unity Church in Lynnwood, Washington. We were surprised to see each other, and once we connected there, our relationship grew deeper. I was inspired to contact her many times, and each time she told me how important my support was to her and that I had reached her at a time she was most appreciative.

When I started my Writing Together Through Grief on Zoom group, she was one of the first to join us. In that group, every Saturday we write on a prompt that I share with the group, then we talk about what we wrote. She brought life to that group and inspired us all even surprising us sometimes

When I was inspired to create The Grief and Happiness Alliance, I set up a pilot group to try the program out and offer suggestions to make it a powerful program where people dealing with grief and loss could come together virtually every week to write about what they were going through, talk with peers in the group to support each other, and to learn a new happiness practice to help them discover how they could be happy and grieve at the same time. She was the first to agree to participate in the pilot.

Last Sunday was the last meeting of the pilot. The participants shared their support of what we created and were so enthused saying how they knew the program would provide so much comfort with those who would join us. Then spontaneously at the end of the meeting, Rev. Joanna spoke a most beautiful, powerful prayer proclaiming that the Alliance was already successful bringing tears to me.

Now as I have just learned of her transition, I have tears again thinking about how close we had become and how grateful I am for her love and support. And I am grateful for the opportunity to know her and be there for her as she was for me. She will always be a guardian angel for me.

My lesson here is to always reach out when you are inspired to. Don’t wait. Love and share all you can every opportunity you get.

I miss you already Rev. Joanna—

 

 

You can order Loving and Living Your Way Through Grief  by clicking here at Amazon.

I would be happy to put you on the reminder list for or Writing Together Through Grief occurring on Saturdays each week by sending an email to me to emily@lovingandlivingyourwaythroughgrief.com and giving me your email address.

Join my Facebook group here.