grief

Sit With It

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Sometimes we all get to a point that stops us. Maybe it’s hard to concentrate or remember what you wanted to. Maybe you have a feeling of emptiness or grief. Maybe you don’t have any idea why you are feeling what you are feeling. You just know that life in general is not working for you in this moment.

That feeling will vary in expression from weariness, to tears, to blankness, to just not know what to do about anything. Does this sound familiar? Know that you are not alone.  As much as you may feel that everything seems to be just fine, still this way of feeling hits you without warning. What do you do when it hits?

First, cancel your plans and find a comfortable place to be alone. This may be outside in your yard, on a park bench, or just sitting in your parked car. Find a place where you won’t be disturbed, the phone can’t ring, the computer is closed, and the doorbell can’t ring.  This is a special time just for you, to take care of you.

You may want to bring with you a nice glass of ice water. You may want to play some soft music without words or you may want to just listen to the birds or some running water nearby. You will want to be dressed comfortably. You may want to take your shoes off.

Now just be with yourself. There’s no need for a prescribed activity. Just sit or recline. A hammock is a wonderful place for this. Try focusing on your breathing. Take a slow breath in and a slower breath out. Choose just one word to focus on like comfort or support, or whatever you would love to experience right now. Choose just that one word and say it as you breath in and as you breath out.

Feel the warmth of the sun or the gentle breeze, or the cool air from the fan. Know this is your time with no obligations, no worries, just gentle, quiet time just for you. When a worry or sorrow tries to enter your space, gently acknowledge it and tell it you are not open to hear it right now. Go back to your breathing, and that one word you chose.

You may find yourself drifting into a nap. That’s OK. Don’t fight it. Relax your mind and relax each part of your body. Let all tension melt away. Stay in this space as long as you want to. When you are ready, take a few deep breaths and some long, lazy stretches. Become fully awake. You may want to write in your journal or take a walk. The key is to follow your intuition and do what it guides you to.

Most of us think taking time like this is a luxury we don’t have time for. Know that instead this a necessity to make time for. You are the number one person to take care of you. Do this whenever you realize that it is time to just sit with yourself to recover and recoup.

You are worth taking good care of yourself. Please do—

 

Get your Awaken Your Happiness Journaling Guide at no charge by clicking here: https://www.griefandhappiness.com/pl/2147595767

You can join the Grief and Happiness Alliance which meets weekly on Sundays by clicking here: https://www.griefandhappiness.com/offers/ytK7eLBa

You can order Loving and Living Your Way Through Grief by clicking here at Amazon.

https://www.amazon.com/Loving-Living-Your-Though-Grief/dp/1642504823/ref=tmm_pap_swatch_0?_encoding=UTF8&qid=1658356016&sr=8-1

You can listen to my podcast, Grief and Happiness, here. https://podcasts.apple.com/us/podcast/loving-and-living-your-way-through-grief-with/id1509589686?i=1000535381763

Happy Days

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I facilitate the Grief and Happiness Alliance every week on Zoom.  Each week we do some writing related to our situations and we end with learning different happiness practices. Every gathering ends with the participants smiling. Being around people who are also grieving or dealing with loss is a great place to share and get support.

This week, instead of our usual format, we wrote about happiness.  We started with a short meditation where I encouraged the participants to remember times in their lives when they were especially happy. Then I asked them to make a list of things they have been happy about. They didn’t need to write about each experience, just identify it.  For instance, I was happy at my wedding to Ron and my wedding to Jacques.  I could have written a big, long story about each of these and all the other things I thought of. But I stuck with making a list, and by the end of the meeting, I had over 70 items on my list!

We all wrote long lists and enjoyed sharing our favorite happy moments. All the participants found joy in our moments together.  I am sharing this with you to encourage you to make a list like this too!  Aim for at least 100 things.  I know that sounds like a lot, but the more your write, the more you will think of, and the more you will smile.

And it doesn’t have to end there.  If you get to a point where you are feeling a little down, get out your journal and your list.  Pick one thing on the list and write about it in detail including everything that made you happy during that experience.  The more often you do this, the more often you will feel yourself smiling and the longer that happiness will last.

Every morning when I write in my journal, I write about what brought me the most joy the day before. This is a great way to start my days.  It also keeps me thinking throughout the day about what is bringing me happiness. What you focus on is what you experience. You can be so much happier just by focusing on happiness!  Try it and let me know how good it feels.

 

Get your Awaken Your Happiness Journaling Guide at no charge by clicking here: https://www.griefandhappiness.com/pl/2147595767

You can join the Grief and Happiness Alliance which meets weekly on Sundays by clicking here: https://www.griefandhappiness.com/offers/ytK7eLBa

You can order Loving and Living Your Way Through Grief by clicking here at Amazon.

https://www.amazon.com/Loving-Living-Your-Though-Grief/dp/1642504823/ref=tmm_pap_swatch_0?_encoding=UTF8&qid=1658356016&sr=8-1

You can listen to my podcast, Grief and Happiness, here. https://podcasts.apple.com/us/podcast/loving-and-living-your-way-through-grief-with/id1509589686?i=1000535381763

Your Beautiful Mind

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Everyone has a mind which acts like our closest friend.  Our mind talks to us more than anyone else we know, and it doesn’t always seem to be on our side. Offering advice is one of its favorite things to do. I know sometimes I will say something I don’t mean, and I can just see my mind in the background laughing and saying “See, I made you say that!”  When this happens, I realize that I have to be mindful of each word I speak.

In that early time alone after my husband died, my mind was especially active. Reflecting my feeling of being lost and not knowing what to do, my mind seemed especially agitated saying things like “You’re always going to be alone,” “You’re too sad to do anything,” “Or you don’t need to eat now. It’s too much trouble.”  Trying to consciously think about anything seemed too hard, so my mind would jump in to fill up all the emptiness.

Now when I hear people who are dealing with loss saying things like my mind was saying to me, I realize that those negative words aren’t coming from their hearts, and I see how their mind would love to take over and make them even more confused about what they are dealing with.

What can you do about this?  First, recognize what is happening.  When you are mindful, you can take control of your life.  To be mindful means to be conscious and aware. You focus on the present moment and communicate from there from your heart.  Do you remember times your mind took over and wasn’t acting in your best interests, and maybe you didn’t have the energy to disagree with it?  I remember my mind telling me I didn’t need to get out of bed, I didn’t need to talk to anyone, and I didn’t need to eat healthily.  Giving in to what it was telling me was easier than using my energy to talk back.

When you realize that your mind is keeping you confused, it’s time to take action. The first step is to realize that you are in control. You can make decisions about what is best for you. And your mind isn’t your enemy. It’s just doing what it knows how to do. The very best way to deal with this is to make friends with your mind.  I know this may sound silly, but most of what your mind is doing is trying to get your attention. Your attention is a precious gift. What you pay attention to guides all you do in life.

Let’s start with meditation. I hear people say they can’t just sit still and have their mind clear. Most people say this, and do you know who is telling them that?  You’re right, it’s their minds. Try sitting up straight in a chair with your feet on the floor. I like to meditate barefooted. Close your eyes and take a slow, deep breath. Is your mind talking to you? Reminding you that you don’t have time to sit around, or reminding you about that yummy chocolate cake calling to you from the kitchen?  When this happens, thank your mind. Tell your mind how much you appreciate how hard it is trying to help you. Tell your mind that it’s time for it to relax and take a break. Wish it well, then go back to your meditation.

This isn’t easy to do when you first get started, but the more you do it, the easier it becomes, and your mind can get some rest so that it is not so frenetic trying to guide your every move.

Try this.  Commit to living in each moment. The more you do this, the more your mind calms down.  You will gain a sense of peace and happiness. This is vital when you are dealing with loss.  When your mind starts to wander and tell you sad stories, say “Thanks for your input, but I’ve got this.” The more you do this, the more it becomes part of your life, and it’s so worth it!

People ask me how I can grieve and be happy at the same time, and I just smile and tell them that right now, right in this moment, my life is good, and I am grateful.  You can find this happiness, too.

Take a deep breath and smile.  You are on your way to that happiness that you can always tap in to, and it feels so good!

 

 

 

Get your Awaken Your Happiness Journaling Guide at no charge by clicking here: https://www.griefandhappiness.com/pl/2147595767

You can join the Grief and Happiness Alliance which meets weekly on Sundays by clicking here: https://www.griefandhappiness.com/offers/ytK7eLBa

You can order Loving and Living Your Way Through Grief by clicking here at Amazon.

https://www.amazon.com/Loving-Living-Your-Though-Grief/dp/1642504823/ref=tmm_pap_swatch_0?_encoding=UTF8&qid=1658356016&sr=8-1

You can listen to my podcast, Grief and Happiness, here. https://podcasts.apple.com/us/podcast/loving-and-living-your-way-through-grief-with/id1509589686?i=1000535381763

How Long Does it Take?

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August fourth five years ago Ron took his last breath. We had been together for ten years. In some ways that seems so long ago, while in others, it seems like yesterday. I don’t love him any less than I ever did, and I am sure that won’t change.

Last week I flew to California to attend Soul Sisters retreat. I went a few days early to visit some friends in Ventura who I hadn’t seen since the pandemic started. When I arrived, I was surprised to be so emotional. I was going to be staying with my friend Rose. She wasn’t home yet when I got there, so I sat outside to watch the sunset and the tears flowed. Ron and I lived there in what I thought was my forever home before we moved to Ventura.

I remembered how much I loved our home there, how beautiful we had made it, how close it was to the beach, and how we could walk to anyplace we wanted to. I also remembered how grateful I was that we lived so close to the hospital, and all the emergency trips we had to the ER to stabilize his heart enough to have more time.

While I was in Ventura last week, I went with Rose to an outdoor concert in the grassy park near the mission downtown where we heard powerful women play drums and sing in different languages while the audience danced a picnicked while I stood and stared at the nearby restaurant where Ron and I got married on 1/1/11. And of course, the tears flowed again.

I had planned to see lots of friends while I was there, and I just couldn’t in the fragile state I was experiencing. I do miss getting to see them, yet I realized this was a time I needed to take care of me. Leaving Rose’s warm support and love to go to the retreat was hard, but I did long to see my Soul Sisters.

When I drove down the beautiful coastal highway, the memories continued. When I arrived at Temescal Park, it was like going home. I had gone to the retreat for ten out of the last 12 years.  We had virtual retreats during the pandemic, but I missed two times to be with Ron as his health declined. Being there was the balm that I needed. Happiness, kindness, and love abounded. Everyone was so happy to be there, and Rickie Byars powerful music filled the air and our hearts. Deep, positive experiences continued throughout the weekend as we honored women of all ages, ethnicities, and backgrounds.

I have been surprised at how much the anniversary of Ron’s transition is affecting me, and I am deeply grateful for the love and support of my very special friends and chosen family.

Be sure to hold your grieving friends close as they experience various emotions as time goes on.  Their loved ones may have transitioned, but their love remains, and your support can make a huge difference.

 

 

Get your Awaken Your Happiness Journaling Guide at no charge by clicking here: https://www.griefandhappiness.com/pl/2147595767

You can join the Grief and Happiness Alliance which meets weekly on Sundays by clicking here: https://www.griefandhappiness.com/offers/ytK7eLBa

You can order Loving and Living Your Way Through Grief by clicking here at Amazon.

https://www.amazon.com/Loving-Living-Your-Though-Grief/dp/1642504823/ref=tmm_pap_swatch_0?_encoding=UTF8&qid=1658356016&sr=8-1

You can listen to my podcast, Grief and Happiness, here. https://podcasts.apple.com/us/podcast/loving-and-living-your-way-through-grief-with/id1509589686?i=1000535381763

 

Tender Tears

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We, individually, as a country, as our world, have so much to grieve right now. Every new tragedy seems to the compound the last one.  We all have a tendency to pay the most attention to what happens closest to us, but the reasons to grieve right now are piling up and are widespread throughout the world. And it’s not just grief. We are also angry, disappointed, frustrated, and even broken.

What can we do? Here are a few things to consider:

  • First, take care of yourself. I live a happy life in a beautiful place surrounded my wonderful people. I focus on the joy that comes from living this way. This helps, yet I still find that I shed tears when I hear about the horrific things going on. Tears are good and necessary to help in processing our feelings.
  • Many people are experiencing challenges. When your friends are affected, the first thing to do is love them and demonstrate that love by the actions that you do. What is one thing you can do right now to make a difference for a friend facing challenges? Start by doing whatever that one thing is.
  • Recognize what won’t work, then don’t spend your time worried about that. If you realize that you can’t change gun laws on your own, instead of bemoaning that, try taking active steps like contacting the people who represent you in the government encouraging them to take action by making new laws.
  • Talk to people you know. Chances are that people you care about are being affected by similar things like their children being afraid to go to school, or maybe there is a family in your neighborhood with political views opposite to most of the neighbors. Whatever the situation is, honest communication with no blaming is a great place to start.

While I continue to be affected by the unconscionable occurrences that are happening, I am also committed to living the best life I can and loving and supporting my friends, the people in my community, my country, and the world.

 

 

You can join the Grief and Happiness Alliance which meets weekly on Sundays by clicking here: https://www.griefandhappiness.com/offers/ytK7eLBa

Download your copy of Awakening Your Happiness journaling guide here.

You can order Loving and Living Your Way Through Grief by clicking here at Amazon.

You can listen to my podcast, Grief and Happiness, here. https://podcasts.apple.com/us/podcast/loving-and-living-your-way-through-grief-with/id1509589686?i=1000535381763

Everything is a Miracle

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Do you recognize when miracles occur in your life? I hadn’t considered this before, but once I started noticing miracles, I started noticing how I have experienced so many miracles though-out my life.

Miracles can be huge, and they also can be very small. You may not have thought about this before, but chances are you are experiencing miracles too, and you have been all along but may not have been aware when they happened. As I look back, I remember the miracle of getting accepted at the last minute to San Diego State University. I see this as a miracle because I had a major health challenge in high school and was barely able to graduate with a grade point average that normally wouldn’t have qualified.

My husband and I bought our first house together in 2009 at a great price because of the financial crisis in our country. A year later, my elderly mother-in-law needed to move in with us, and our home was comfortable for just two people. We decided to sell it and buy another. Our real estate agent warned us we would be losing money because of the financial crisis.  We sold the house that we had only owned for a year at a significant profit a week after we listed it, and we bought another, much bigger home in a wonderful location for $200,000 lest than it was listed for. I know we were blessed with this miracle because we welcomed my mother-in-law to live with us.

Recently when I was driving on a divided highway, a truck crossed the center divider headed directly headed at the driver’s door at high speed. When I saw him coming toward me, I closed my eyes thinking there was no way I could survive this. I heard and felt the thump as he hit my car. I was shocked when I opened my eyes and saw that my car was not destroyed, only three thousand dollars’ worth of damage that his insurance covered. And he didn’t hit anyone else as he continued speeding head on into traffic until he could pull off to the side of the road. The witnesses were shocked that the driver, my son, and I weren’t killed. I know this was a miracle.

Just last week in the middle of the night we were experiencing a big windstorm. We have power lines that go across our property and into the tree of my friend’s house across the road. The wind snapped the power lines which set the trees on fire as the wires dropped to the ground. This could have been a catastrophe. Instead, our homes didn’t catch on fire, no one was injured, and the power company came out the next day and did a nice trimming on what was left of the trees. Everyone affected by this are so grateful for this miracle.

Beyond the many big miracles I experience, I experience little miracles every day. I almost always get right to the front of any line I am in, and I always find parking places easily.  I also get where I am going at the time that I plan to.  Every day I now notice the miracles I experience, and I am grateful.

The title of this blog is a quote by Albert Einstein: “Everything is a Miracle.”

Notice and enjoy all your miracles!

Everything is a Miracle

 

 

You can join the Grief and Happiness Alliance which meets weekly on Sundays by clicking here: https://www.griefandhappiness.com/offers/ytK7eLBa

You can order Loving and Living Your Way Through Grief by clicking here at Amazon.

You can listen to my podcast, Grief and Happiness, here. https://podcasts.apple.com/us/podcast/loving-and-living-your-way-through-grief-with/id1509589686?i=1000535381763

I would be happy to put you on the reminder list for or Writing Together Through Grief occurring on Saturdays each week by sending an email to me to emily@lovingandlivingyourwaythroughgrief.com and giving me your email address.

Join my Facebook group here.