The Grief and Happiness Alliance

grieving

Everything is a Miracle

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Do you recognize when miracles occur in your life? I hadn’t considered this before, but once I started noticing miracles, I started noticing how I have experienced so many miracles though-out my life.

Miracles can be huge, and they also can be very small. You may not have thought about this before, but chances are you are experiencing miracles too, and you have been all along but may not have been aware when they happened. As I look back, I remember the miracle of getting accepted at the last minute to San Diego State University. I see this as a miracle because I had a major health challenge in high school and was barely able to graduate with a grade point average that normally wouldn’t have qualified.

My husband and I bought our first house together in 2009 at a great price because of the financial crisis in our country. A year later, my elderly mother-in-law needed to move in with us, and our home was comfortable for just two people. We decided to sell it and buy another. Our real estate agent warned us we would be losing money because of the financial crisis.  We sold the house that we had only owned for a year at a significant profit a week after we listed it, and we bought another, much bigger home in a wonderful location for $200,000 lest than it was listed for. I know we were blessed with this miracle because we welcomed my mother-in-law to live with us.

Recently when I was driving on a divided highway, a truck crossed the center divider headed directly headed at the driver’s door at high speed. When I saw him coming toward me, I closed my eyes thinking there was no way I could survive this. I heard and felt the thump as he hit my car. I was shocked when I opened my eyes and saw that my car was not destroyed, only three thousand dollars’ worth of damage that his insurance covered. And he didn’t hit anyone else as he continued speeding head on into traffic until he could pull off to the side of the road. The witnesses were shocked that the driver, my son, and I weren’t killed. I know this was a miracle.

Just last week in the middle of the night we were experiencing a big windstorm. We have power lines that go across our property and into the tree of my friend’s house across the road. The wind snapped the power lines which set the trees on fire as the wires dropped to the ground. This could have been a catastrophe. Instead, our homes didn’t catch on fire, no one was injured, and the power company came out the next day and did a nice trimming on what was left of the trees. Everyone affected by this are so grateful for this miracle.

Beyond the many big miracles I experience, I experience little miracles every day. I almost always get right to the front of any line I am in, and I always find parking places easily.  I also get where I am going at the time that I plan to.  Every day I now notice the miracles I experience, and I am grateful.

The title of this blog is a quote by Albert Einstein: “Everything is a Miracle.”

Notice and enjoy all your miracles!

Everything is a Miracle

 

 

You can join the Grief and Happiness Alliance which meets weekly on Sundays by clicking here: https://www.griefandhappiness.com/offers/ytK7eLBa

You can order Loving and Living Your Way Through Grief by clicking here at Amazon.

You can listen to my podcast, Grief and Happiness, here. https://podcasts.apple.com/us/podcast/loving-and-living-your-way-through-grief-with/id1509589686?i=1000535381763

I would be happy to put you on the reminder list for or Writing Together Through Grief occurring on Saturdays each week by sending an email to me to emily@lovingandlivingyourwaythroughgrief.com and giving me your email address.

Join my Facebook group here.

Suppressing Grief

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How are you feeling right now in this very moment about the grief you are experiencing?

Think about it.  Are you overwhelmed? Sad? Lonely? Confused? Angry? Everyone experiencing grief experiences all these feelings along the way. Some of us ignore them. Some of us get swallowed up in them. Some of us have a hard time getting past them.

The good news is a dealing with a multitude of feelings is part of the process. Know that allowing any of these feelings to take over your life does not serve you. I can just hear you thinking, “That’s easy for you to say.” The truth is, I have felt all these feelings and many more in dealing with grief, and I discovered how to deal with them.

First, you can best deal with one feeling at a time.  If you find that you are balancing several feelings and that seems like spinning plates, that leads to more stress.  If this is where you are, get out your journal and make a list of all the feelings you are dealing with. Try not completing that list all at once. Rather take a couple of days and add things as they come to mind.

The author Byron Katie helped me with this by sharing her system called The Work. Once you have your list, go through the list and ask about each feeling one at a time:

  1. Is this true?
  2. Can you absolutely know it is true?
  3. How do you react – what happens- when you believe that this feeling is true?
  4. Who would you be without that thought?

After you answer those questions, Byron Katie suggests that you “Turn the Thought Around.”

She says, “The turnaround gives you an opportunity to experience the opposite of what you believe.”

Let’s try The Work with a feeling. Are you feeling lonely?

Your answers could be something like this:

  1. Is this true? I realize that I am alone most of the time, and I realize that people are sending loving support to me even when I am not with them. And I realize that I can invite people to spend time with me in person or I can participate in activities where other people are, so I don’t have to be alone.
  2. Can you absolutely know this is true? I realize that I don’t have to be lonely. That I can. Make the difference by reaching out.
  3. How do I react? When I believe the feeling of loneliness is true, I am lonely.
  4. Who would I be without this thought? When I release the feeling of my loneliness being true, I am able to connect with people in my life so that I am not lonely

My turnaround:

I choose to be present with people I want to be with when I would like to have friendship and company.

 

I feel better already just by doing this exercise! And I realize that by giving in to all those feelings that don’t serve me, I am suppressing my grief.  When we suppress grief, it doesn’t go away.  Rather it can lurk in our sadness, growing and needing to be released.  By paying attention to my feelings and letting go of anything that doesn’t serve me, I make room for comfort, love, happiness, help, friends, and so much more.

I release and let go of anything that doesn’t serve me.  And you can too!

You will feel so much better!

 

 

You can join the Grief and Happiness Alliance which meets weekly on Sundays by clicking here: https://www.griefandhappiness.com/offers/ytK7eLBa

You can order Loving and Living Your Way Through Grief by clicking here at Amazon.

You can listen to my podcast, Grief and Happiness, here. https://podcasts.apple.com/us/podcast/loving-and-living-your-way-through-grief-with/id1509589686?i=1000535381763

I would be happy to put you on the reminder list for or Writing Together Through Grief occurring on Saturdays each week by sending an email to me to emily@lovingandlivingyourwaythroughgrief.com and giving me your email address.

Join my Facebook group here.

Do You Trust the Universe?

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Do you pay attention to the universe? In my younger years I lived in a bubble of paying attention only to what was directly around me. There was so much I had to focus on: Would I be able to pay the bills? Would I be able to find childcare I trusted and could afford? Would I have time to do everything I knew I needed to? Would I ever be truly happy? With questions like these hanging over my head, I felt constantly stressed and tired.  I found myself wondering if what I was experiencing was going to be the best experience of my life, and that made me sad.

I spent my life doing, never still.  At one point I had two full time jobs and actively participated in all aspects of the theatre at the same time.  Keeping busy allowed me to block my disappointment of what I lacked, making me think if I just completed one more thing, that would bring me happiness. But it didn’t.

When Ron and I got together, my life began to open. I learned that I didn’t have to be in constant motion. I learned how to be still and focus on all the beauty that surrounded me. Not the beauty of material things, but the beauty of taking deep breaths, the beauty of the nature that surrounded me.  The beauty of the song of the birds. The beauty of the love in Ron’s eyes. Up until this time, I had proclaimed that stress was my life. As I slowed down, I discovered that instead, my life is love.

More than romantic love, I felt the love of the universe surrounding me and protecting me. I realized that the universe was, is, and will always be there. Instead of focusing on what littered my path, I focused on seeing the beauty of it all. I saw that the universe is here to support me, and everyone else who inhabits it. The key is to recognize this and embrace it.

I talked to a woman who had gone to a desolate place in Africa on a humanitarian journey. She went there to help people. Her group went to see a group of people who lived in a community they had created in the desert. She had grand plans of educating them to do things she was familiar with to help them like proper nutrition, exercise, acceptable housing (acceptable to her and her group).

What they discovered was a joyous group functioning as one big, loving family. They had discovered how to eat with the food they would find together, and they were healthy. And no one was overweight. They had few material possessions, and they didn’t need them. Their clothing was minimal as they honored the beauty of their bodies, and they certainly didn’t need the warmth of clothing in the desert. And they had much more exercise than most of the people from the “civilized” country of the people who had come to train them. They bathed together, ate together, travelled together, cared for each other, and smiled, and danced, and loved with abandon.

The woman learned much more from them than what was in the lessons she had come to share. She came home a changed woman paying attention to what she focused on. She became a philanthropist focusing on projects that encouraged awareness of how to protect the planet and how to bring even more love and beauty into the world.

My focus changed after I spoke to her. I realized that all my material needs were met. I learned to focus on how I can help people live their best lives from a place of love and service. All I do now is focus on that, and what I wonderful life I am living now.  I have been widowed twice, and instead of feeling sorry for me, I feel grateful for the love and experiences I had with these two wonderful men. And I use the lessons I learned from them both to bring as much happiness in the world as I can as we learn to support our world the very best we can.

And do you know what?  The universe fully supports us in all we do!

 

“When we learn to trust the universe, we shall be happy, prosperous, and well.” Ernest Holmes

 

 

You can join the Grief and Happiness Alliance which meets weekly on Sundays by clicking here: https://www.griefandhappiness.com/offers/ytK7eLBa

You can order Loving and Living Your Way Through Grief by clicking here at Amazon.

You can listen to my podcast, Grief and Happiness, here. https://podcasts.apple.com/us/podcast/loving-and-living-your-way-through-grief-with/id1509589686?i=1000535381763

I would be happy to put you on the reminder list for or Writing Together Through Grief occurring on Saturdays each week by sending an email to me to emily@lovingandlivingyourwaythroughgrief.com and giving me your email address.

Join my Facebook group here.

Be Willing

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I spend time online each day with the social media I do to help people deal with grief, and lately I keep hearing the same theme.  People say that things will never be the same, that they have lost so much, and they feel lost. I’ve had times that I have felt that way too. I get sentimental about not having someone to hold hands with, to talk to intimately, to kiss, to laugh with, to share my bed. When I would start feeling this way, I would write or meditate, or just sit and think about how wonderful those experiences were.

I know I won’t have those exact experience again. No one does. Each moment in our lives is different.  When I remind myself of that, I start thinking about how each day is a new day, an opportunity to start to do different things or do things differently.  As I reflect on my life I am amazed at the experiences, the opportunities I’ve had.  I think about all the miraculous adventures, the breathtaking art, the first smiles of a baby.

When we can start to shift gear, to focus on what makes us happy instead of what makes us sad, or made us sad in the past, then we can start lifting our heads, looking forward, becoming aware.  That awareness allows us to take slow deep breaths again and feel how wonderful that fresh air feels.

I invite you find someplace beautiful and quiet to sit imagining your loved one sitting next to you. Enjoy that feeling knowing that in that moment there is no physical pain, no suffering. All that is gone now, and you can just relish the closeness. Then tell your loved one about something new you are doing that feels good. It could be finding new things to cook for yourself, planting seeds in your garden for spring flowers, walking in a forest or on a beach. It could be reading a great book or enjoying a movie or enjoying a conversation with a friend. As you are sharing all this, start to realize that you are relaxing as you speak. Tension flows away. You can feel all that love which remains.

At this moment you realize that your loved one is smiling, delighted that you can smile, you can appreciate all that is good and beautiful. I can imagine the relief my loved one would feel knowing that I wasn’t trapped in an unrelenting sorrow, that I am taking one step at a time to move forward, never discarding all the love I will always have for each of my loved ones who is no longer physically with me. Just by being willing, being open, we all can allow ourselves to celebrate the wonder and awe that awaits our awareness.

Be willing—

 

 

You can join the Grief and Happiness Alliance which meets weekly on Sundays by clicking here: https://www.griefandhappiness.com/offers/ytK7eLBa

You can order Loving and Living Your Way Through Grief by clicking here at Amazon.

You can listen to my podcast, Grief and Happiness, here. https://podcasts.apple.com/us/podcast/loving-and-living-your-way-through-grief-with/id1509589686?i=1000535381763

I would be happy to put you on the reminder list for or Writing Together Through Grief occurring on Saturdays each week by sending an email to me to emily@lovingandlivingyourwaythroughgrief.com and giving me your email address.

Join my Facebook group here.

Stumbling Through Grief

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How would you describe the path for your grief?  Does it seem like there should be a map or a guidebook or a plan that says “First you do this. Then that. Then you go through something else. And after a while it’s done.” When you look at it like that, it sounds silly.  And the one thing grief is not for sure is silly.

There are no classes we can take or books that we can read or lectures we can listen to that will have us completely prepared for the grief we face. And grieving for one loved one is not going to be the same as grieving for the next loved one to die. Trust me. I know.  I have grieved and am grieving for way too many people. But we do need to accept that grieving is a part of life, something we can’t get out of.  We may try to ignore it, but that doesn’t work so well.

Take a moment to think about how you were affected by grief for the first person you really loved died. For me it was my grandmother. When I was growing up, I spent much time staying with my grandmother as my parents frequently traveled for commitments to an organization, they were both devoted to. I’ve got to admit that I was a bit jealous of that organization because I wanted them to pay that attention to me, but they didn’t seem to have time. And I realize I reflected that I resented my grandmother, not for anything she did, but simply because she wasn’t them.

My grandmother lived alone.  We had just moved into a house where my mother didn’t want to live, and we were struggling.  I had a nightmare one night about my grandmother, and I tried to convince my mom to call grandma to be sure she was OK.  For two days I asked her. Then mom finally went to check on her two days later.  We were told that she had probably died a couple of days before, alone. I was so distraught. That haunted me for years.  I kept thinking I should have done something. I made up scenarios of what could have happened so that she wouldn’t have to die.

I was an adult before I realized that I couldn’t have done something at my age, but I carried that experience for many years, worrying about anyone I thought might die.  Early experiences can color our view of death and dying and mourning. Then AIDS happened, and since I was so involved in the arts, I actually lost count of how many people I loved or admired that disappeared from my life. And working as an ambulance attendant and a nurse, people just kept dying.

I realize now that I handled each death in my life experience differently, and I think we all do. And I carried forward what I learned from these experiences. Sometimes I was heartbroken, and other times I was frustrated or empty. At times I felt sad or felt I did something wrong or not as kind as it should have been, but I learned from those instances, and I did better the next time. I’ve stumbled through the process of letting people go, not willingly losing them. And I recognize now that I did the best I could with what I knew at the time, and I have forgiven myself for any errors I perceived in the process.

I now am comfortable with the knowledge that we all experience so much loss in our lives, and that loss can make us more aware of how precious each moment is. I now focus on and practice and experience all that I do through the lens of kindness, comfort, support, and especially love and happiness. My wish for you is that you focus on what you do have now and all the love and wonder you have experienced to make each moment of your life the best it can be. Release the stumbling, be easy on yourself, and move forward. The deeper we fall, the higher we can soar.

 

You can join the Grief and Happiness Alliance which meets weekly on Sundays by clicking here: https://www.griefandhappiness.com/offers/ytK7eLBa

You can order Loving and Living Your Way Through Grief by clicking here at Amazon.

You can listen to my podcast, Grief and Happiness, here. https://podcasts.apple.com/us/podcast/loving-and-living-your-way-through-grief-with/id1509589686?i=1000535381763

I would be happy to put you on the reminder list for or Writing Together Through Grief occurring on Saturdays each week by sending an email to me to emily@lovingandlivingyourwaythroughgrief.com and giving me your email address.

Join my Facebook group here.

Comparison of Grief

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I wrote an Instagram post this week that said, “I have heard that the death of a spouse is the number one stressor in life.”  I realize now that I inspired anger and comparison, and that was not my intention for making this statement.  Each experience of grief is unique and any comparison in grief can be damaging. Every experience of grief I have had in my lifetime has been different.  I can’t compare the loss of my husbands, or father, or mother, or grandparents, or aunts and uncles, or good friends, or my unborn baby. My love for each of these people was great and incomparable to any other relationship I have had.

Theodore Roosevelt was credited for saying that “Comparison is the thief of joy.”  That makes sense to me.  Every one of us experiences grief in our own way for each experience of grief we have.  What is important here is to individually focus on that. It really doesn’t matter how many people attend a celebration of life, or how many months anyone was unable to continue their normal activities, or any other comparisons.

What does matter is that we each take good care of ourselves as we experience grief, and that we also provide comfort, support, love, and happiness to those people we care about who are experiencing grief. Do that in any way, and don’t worry about how much or how little anyone else has done.

I love the author, Byron Katie. She says: “I discovered that when I believed my thoughts I suffered, but when I didn’t believe them, I didn’t suffer, and that this is true for every human being. Freedom is as simple as that.” She has developed something she calls The Work that I use when I find I need some support in how to handle things. In The Work, she encourages you to ask yourself four questions to help you discover if what you are thinking is what you need to pay attention to. When you find things that you are focusing on do not support you or help you feel better, all you need to do is ask yourself her questions.  This is a link to her questions and guidance how to use them: https://thework.com/instruction-the-work-byron-katie/

If you find yourself saying something that could be a judgement of how someone else is grieving, use the work and see what happens.  Her first question is “Is it true?” Often, that’s all I need to say to myself. Then I will release what I was thinking. I’ll feel lighter. Smile, and move forward.

 

You can join the Grief and Happiness Alliance which meets weekly on Sundays by clicking here: https://www.griefandhappiness.com/offers/ytK7eLBa

You can order Loving and Living Your Way Through Grief by clicking here at Amazon.

You can listen to my podcast, Grief and Happiness, here. https://podcasts.apple.com/us/podcast/loving-and-living-your-way-through-grief-with/id1509589686?i=1000535381763

I would be happy to put you on the reminder list for or Writing Together Through Grief occurring on Saturdays each week by sending an email to me to emily@lovingandlivingyourwaythroughgrief.com and giving me your email address.

Join my Facebook group here.