The Grief and Happiness Alliance

grieving

Unnecessary Grief

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Much of my life is focused on other people’s grief. My intention is to encourage people to actively find ways to experience happiness even while they are grieving, but that’s getting harder and harder to do.

Traditionally people think of grief as related to the death of a loved one. Now in the United States and the world, we are experiencing grief on a much broader scale.  We grieve the loss of jobs, the loss of safety, the loss of respect, the loss of compassion, the loss of decency, the loss of homes, the loss of businesses, and that’s just the beginning of a very long list being added to continually.

The recent dramatic plumet in the Stock Market was similar to the crash in 1929. In those days people tumbled into poverty with no safety nets where today people are sliding down the slippery slopes of loss regretting not fastening their safety belts and watching Social Security slip away.

People are crying out “How could this happen in our country.” We have forgotten how young students in their classrooms oft recited the words to the Pledge of Allegiance which closed by saying “with liberty and justice for all.”

Most of the country is in shock and grieving, so now is the time to put on the brakes. Instead of suffering the grief from all this loss, let’s take Bob Marley’s lyrics to heart”

“… you can’t fool all the people all the time

‘Cause now we see the light

We gonna stand up for our right

 

Get up, stand up

Stand up for your right

Get up, stand up

Don’t give up the fight.

 

We all have enough unavoidable loss in our lives to grieve. Let’s come together find ways to stop the unnecessary grief brought by the foolish destruction.

 

What Can You Do?

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Are you lonely? Do you feel helpless? Do you feel like your world is crumbling around you? Do you realize you aren’t the only one feeling that way right now? The good news is you can do something about how you are feeling to help you feel much better.  Here are some ideas:

  • Reach Out. Who would you like to talk to? Which old friends are you missing? Start by making a list. Every time you think of someone, and that person to the list. Every day, pick a different person on the list and call that person. Plan a way to get together. Go for a walk or for coffee. Plan something to do together. Rekindle friendships. Then stay in touch.
  • Volunteer. What causes are you concerned about? Who can you help? Get active in your community. Find something that you can attend and meet new friends. I volunteered for the political party I am a member of. I met very interesting people by doing that and know I was making a difference. What could you volunteer for?
  • Play. Plan a game party where you can invite friends to play for favorite board games like Monopoly or Uno. Go to a water aerobics or Aqua Zumba class. Join a hiking group. Organize a block party for your neighborhood to meet all your. neighbors. Go somewhere to listel to live music and dance!
  • Learn Something New. What have you always wanted to learn? I love to take art classes. Take cooking classes. I discovered free community classes at our local college including classes in their culinary department. Join a community choir. Get involved in your community theater.
  • Join or Start a Book Club. Book clubs are usually created around a common interest like romance novels, mysteries, biographies, political issues, or travel. Often organizations have book groups. I like to participate in the book group for the American Association of University women. I’ve met some of my best friends there.

The key is to find ways to be around people you already know you like or people you would like to get to know. Chances are that if you sit home alone, which people often do while grieving, people won’t be coming to your house to seek you out. The longer you stay by yourself, the harder it is to get moving again.

Start by reaching out with people you already know and would like to spend more time with. They may be waiting to hear from you. Then reach out to people you don’t know but would like to. For instance, if you are concerned about a pollical issue, reach out to see how you can get involved to work on solving that issue. If you love to work with children, volunteer to read to them in their classrooms or at the local library.

The more we become involved in our communities, the more friends we can make, the more issues we can work on, the more we can learn, and the more we can help.

Start today. You’ll be so glad you did.

Remembering Valentines

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Valentine’s Day can be a trigger for people who are grieving.  Growing up I always looked forward to Valentine’s Day.  In our classrooms, we always had an art project where we would create a very large envelope that we decorated and hung on the wall. Then most of the students would put little valentines in each of their classmate’s envelopes.  Some students would get larger, special valentines to give to special friends. Then on Valentine’s Day got to open all our valentines and have fruit punch and cupcakes.  I always looked forward to that day.

In January of 2006 Hallmark card stores had a special sale where if you spent a certain amount in the store, you could get a CD with romantic songs sung by Michael Bublé. My husband Jaques had an amazing singing voice in the style of Frank Sinatra, which is much like Michael Bublé. At that point, Jacques couldn’t drive anymore and he asked me to take him to the Hallmark store without telling me why.

When we got back to the car, he handed me the bag from the store and asked me to open it. I told him if it was my Valentine, I would prefer to wait. He asked me to please open it that day, so I did, and it was the CD.  We played it a lot over the next few days. He died on February 6. I am so glad I opened it when he asked me to. 

On the first Valentine’s Day that Ron and I spent together, we went out for dinner. I had never gone out to dinner on Valentine’s day before, so that was special. After we were seated, he handed me a gift which had a gold heart and a silver heart intertwined. I still treasure that gift.

Ron was on Hospice for only five days, and during those days he made sure to say goodbye to everyone he wanted to. Many people came to the house to visit him, and he Face-Timed everyone else.  One person was a minister he had worked with years before. I had never met him and it was a challenge to track him down, but I was able to and they were grateful for that last conversation.

Five Valentine’s years after Ron died, I got a phone call from a number I didn’t recognize. I don’t usually answer those, but I felt like I needed to answer this one.  It was that minister. He was concerned that I might not know who he was, but I assured him that I did because Ron spoke so highly of him. He said he was cleaning off his desk that morning and a piece of scrap paper fell out of a book, and it had my phone number written on it. He said he felt that Ron must be asking him to wish happy Valentine’s Day to me. I am sure that he was.

Do you have any special Valentine’s Day memories? Be sure to write about them in your journal and spend some time thinking about all the love of every kind you have shared in your life. Close your eyes and feel the warmth of all that love.

Happy Valentine’s Day

 

The Grief and Happiness Alliance

Loving and Living Your Way Through Grief

My email is emily@griefandhappiness.com

Let me know if you’d like to receive my newsletters which have lots of good things!

You can listen to my podcast here.

You can join the Grief and Happiness Alliance Gatherings which meet weekly on Sundays by clicking here

You can order the International Best Selling The Grief and Happiness Handbook by clicking here.

You can order The Grief and Happiness Cards by clicking here.

You can order Loving and Living Your Way Through Grief by clicking here.

Fear

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So many of us experience different levels of fear throughout our grieving. Initially, the fear of being alone or just missing our loved one is almost universal. As time goes on, many more fears can arise like fear of being able to pay the bills or fear of losing contact with our friends. Right now, in United states, many of us are having great fear of the changes our country is experiencing. So, what can we do about all this fear?

I heard a definition of fear that makes sense to me: “False Evidence Appearing Real.” In the case of the fear of being alone, what can you do about that? We may find ourselves cocooning by staying by ourselves, not answering the phone, the door, or the mail. When this happens, your friends may tire of trying to contact you, and they may stop trying. The solution to this is to start responding to their efforts. And if they have stopped, then it is time for you to respond to them. Invite them to go on a walk with you, or to have coffee, or just stop by for a visit. They are most likely with be happy to hear from you.

If you are concerned about your bills, please don’t ignore them. I didn’t realize that my mother had stopped paying her bills because her brain tumor had affected her capacity to realize she had bills to pay. This turned into a big mess. Fortunately, I did discover what was happening and was able to work things out. While your loved ones are able, check to see that they are taking care of their finances or if they need some help. And for you, be sure that someone you would like to help you knows where all your records are so they can help you. I was so glad that my Aunt let me know where all of her records were when she chose me to be her durable power of attorney for when the time came that was needed. Who would you like to do that for you? Be sure that person knows.

There are many things that can cause you to fear. The political situation in our country right now is a big concern. What you can do right now is pay attention to what is happening. If we ignore the changes that are happening, this could be dangerous. Instead of worrying or thinking there is nothing we can do, instead choose to be kind. Choose to be positive. Choose to not get sucked into the fear that is rising. Focus on your vision of the country and the world you would like to see. Then move forward in living your best life and helping where you can.

Making our living situation the best it can be is up to us. Release any fear you are feeling and focus on what is best for us all.

 

The Grief and Happiness Alliance

Loving and Living Your Way Through Grief

My email is emily@griefandhappiness.com

Let me know if you’d like to receive my newsletters which have lots of good things!

You can listen to my podcast here.

You can join the Grief and Happiness Alliance Gatherings which meet weekly on Sundays by clicking here

You can order the International Best Selling The Grief and Happiness Handbook by clicking here.

You can order The Grief and Happiness Cards by clicking here.

You can order Loving and Living Your Way Through Grief by clicking here.

Grief is a Constant Companion

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I was reading The Lost Bookshop by Evie Woods when I came across a quote that stuck with me: “Grief is a constant companion.” It led me to think about my loved ones who have gone before me. That’s not hard to do since I see reminders of them every day. I had a particular memory come to mind last night.

When I went to bed, the big, full moon filled the window shining brightly. When I see a full moon, I have a memory of Ron, so I smiled at the moon and told Ron hello. The night after he died, several friends who had come to be with him during his last week decided to go on a dinner cruise because our friend who had been barbecuing that week was singing on the cruise that night, and they insisted that I join them. I didn’t want to go, but it did turn out to be a lovely evening.

I sat by myself listening to the music and watching the moon rise. A glimmering trail on the water extended from the moon to the boat, seeming to beckon me to follow it to climb up into the moon to join Ron.  Now whenever I see a big full moon, I feel Ron’s presence. Last night, I awoke feeling like it was daytime because my room was filled with light. I checked my phone which said it was just after 1 AM. I glanced outside to see the full moon again. Ron was just checking in.

Ron’s not the only one. Last night I felt my mother as I was smelling the fragrance of her beef stew recipe I was fixing for dinner. I smile each time I hear an ambulance siren remembering how Dad and Mom and I ran Daddy’s small town ambulance company until I moved away for college. So many friends and family members have graced my life.  I cherish the experiences, support, memories, and love they have left with me. While grief is my constant companion, I choose to focus on the happiness we shared.

 

 

The Grief and Happiness Alliance

Loving and Living Your Way Through Grief

My email is emily@griefandhappiness.com

Let me know if you’d like to receive my newsletters which have lots of good things!

You can listen to my podcast here.

You can join the Grief and Happiness Alliance Gatherings which meet weekly on Sundays by clicking here

You can order the International Best Selling The Grief and Happiness Handbook by clicking here.

You can order The Grief and Happiness Cards by clicking here.

You can order Loving and Living Your Way Through Grief by clicking here.

Be the Reason Someone Smiles

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I drove through the line at Starbucks yesterday, a guilty pleasure I seldom treat myself to. I was looking forward to my order when I noticed a Barista smiling pleasantly at me from the big screen where I gave my order. I don’t know if she always smiles or if she was reflecting my smile to me. I do know that when I noticed her smile, my smile grew even bigger. I was still smiling when I saw a different Barista as I pulled up to the window to pick up my order. She had a big, beautiful smile too!  As I sat in the parking lot to drink my order, I don’t like to drink and drive, my latté seemed to taste better than usual.

I became conscious of my smile when I added the concept of happiness to all I do related to grief. I figured it would be hard to teach about happiness while not smiling. And I was right. On the occasion where I would be concentrating on what I wanted to say about happiness, I forgot to smile, and people didn’t smile at me and didn’t seem interested in what I had to say. I fixed this dilemma by reminding myself to smile each time I used the words “happy” or “happiness.” Smiling at these times enabled me to actually be happy. What a gift!

When I smiled generously to my audience as I taught, I found I was still smiling when my presentation was over.  I loved the feeling my smiles brought to me. So I have been smiling more now than I ever have, and it just keeps getting better. To feel better when you are grieving, start being mindful of your smiles. Increase the number and size of your smile, then notice how much better you feel!

 

The Grief and Happiness Alliance

Loving and Living Your Way Through Grief

My email is emily@griefandhappiness.com

Let me know if you’d like to receive my newsletters which have lots of good things!

You can listen to my podcast here.

You can join the Grief and Happiness Alliance Gatherings which meet weekly on Sundays by clicking here

You can order the International Best Selling The Grief and Happiness Handbook by clicking here.

You can order The Grief and Happiness Cards by clicking here.

You can order Loving and Living Your Way Through Grief by clicking here.