grieving

Giving

by

I am always on the lookout for information about happiness, and today I found an article written by psychologist Adam Grant written in Inc. Newsletter. He posits that overall happiness is supported by giving. That concept resonates with me and led to me to think about how I frequently say I am happier now than I ever have been. The biggest difference in my life now is that I focus on generosity, giving in many different ways. For me, it’s not only the generosity, but it’s my new mindset that comes along with it, that results in joy.

Much of my life I’ve been trying to prove things about me, and I know that started when I was growing up.  In elementary school, the encouragement I heard most often from my parents, especially at report card time, was that I could do so much better if I only tried harder.  They didn’t realize, I was trying to do what was expected of me, I just wasn’t getting the results that others expected. I know now that feeling of constant failure was not created by a lack trying. Instead, my biggest challenge was my inability to see well.  I convinced myself that I couldn’t read at grade level, that I couldn’t control my handwriting to make it legible, and that I wasn’t capable of paying attention to what I was supposed to be learning because I had so much trouble doing what seemed to come easily to my classmates.

I was a shy child, observing rather that participating in things I wished I was able to enjoy.  When I finally had a required vision screening at school in fifth grade, I was diagnosed with significant problems with my vision.  While I was grateful to have an excuse for my failure, I was so far behind my classmates that catching up seemed impossible. In seventh grade my teacher used me as the example of the bad student in class because I couldn’t spell or keep up. She would even read out loud to the class my spelling errors, like the day when she pointed out what to her was the funniest error I had made so far by spelling people: peepole. She decided that I had to flunk that year, and I was mortified. Finally, after much begging, I was allowed to go to summer school to catch up on all that I was severely behind in.

That summer turned my life around. Mrs. Wilson was an amazing teacher who could see my desire to do my best. She spent extra time with me and was so supporting and positive. I went from being the worst student in class, or maybe in the whole school, to being the student who tried the hardest. I improved my grades to the point I was able to go into eighth grade in the fall. This new joy of learning changed my life. I became compulsive about proving I was doing my best.

From then on, I knocked myself out by setting goals and doing all I could to succeed. This led to lots of honors and opportunities. As an adult, I constantly tried to prove to myself that I was the best at whatever I did. While this led to great experiences, it also led to stress and exhaustion. However, being married to Jacques and later to Ron, I learned what it felt like to be appreciated and loved unconditionally. I was most thrilled that each of them called me a renaissance woman because of all I did and achieved.

When I got to the point where I had the financial security to choose how I wanted to spend my time and money, that’s when the genuine joy entered my life. I started my teaching career at the university by taking on the classes of the students who were struggling the most. From my learned compassion, I saw amazing progress and success with my students who had felt doomed to fail at higher education. I served my community by volunteering for things that brought me joy by helping others, like serving on the Self Esteem Commission, to be on the board for an after-school arts program, and so much more. The more I volunteered for and donated to, the happier I became.

This shift profoundly affected my choices and my contributions. And after both my wonderful husbands died, instead of sinking into my sorrow, I found many ways to help people deal with their grief, and I am richly rewarded. The difference is that now instead of rewards coming from honors, awards, and financial gain, my happiness comes from helping others to learn how they can grieve and be happy at the same time. Every time that all who attend a Grief and Happiness Alliance gathering find themselves smiling at the end of our time together, or when someone tells me how much my books, cards, and podcast brings them comfort and support, I am reminded of how happy I am to contribute to how they are feeling.

I now give my services, my time, and my abundance to others, and I am happy and more fulfilled than I ever have been.

What and how to you give? What else can you do to give even more? I promise that your happiness will grow as your giving does.

 

 

The Grief and Happiness Alliance

Loving and Living Your Way Through Grief

You can listen to my podcast, Grief and Happiness, by clicking here

You can join the Grief and Happiness Alliance which meets weekly on Sundays by clicking here

You can order the International Best Selling The Grief and Happiness Handbook by clicking here.

You can order The Grief and Happiness Cards by clicking here.

You can order Loving and Living Your Way Through Grief by clicking here.

You can sign up for our newsletter here

Who Loves You?

by

When your loved one dies or you are experiencing a big loss of another kind, the biggest thing you will probably deal with is a loss of love. While your love doesn’t go away with a loss, it’s just not the same. Love is the most precious emotion we get to experience so the absence of the experience of being with your loved one can be devastating. You can, however, deal with this loss in a positive way that can support you through your loss.

Self-love is essential always, yet this is especially so at stressful times. The good news is that you always have access to the most significant kind of love you will ever have because that’s self-love. In early grief even the idea of self-love seemed odd to me. How could that help me? How could I provide comfort for myself? The answer is easier than you would think.

The first thing you can do is make a list. I love lists for everything. On this list, write everything you love about yourself.  Take your time with this, and as you think of more items for your list, add them.  Just start writing and see what comes up. Aim for at least 100 things! You can do this!

On my list, items vary from how strong my fingernails have finally become, to how much I enjoy holding babies or watching puppies play. Maybe you love your smile or how you have your mother’s nose. Consider how passionate you are about things like fixing dinner for friends or taking flowers from your garden to shut-ins. Include all those good things about you that everyone else might not know.

Your list will grow and grow as you consider how wonderful you are. Your next step can be writing a letter to yourself describing in depth the wonders of you. What would you like to be remembered for? What do you consider your legacy to be? What are you passing down to future generations? After you write this letter, put it someplace special so you can get it out to read when you could use some support.

One more thing you can do is a self-love workout. Each morning when you look in the mirror, give yourself a pep talk to start your day. Include things like, “You are so beautiful today. I love your smile. Your hair looks so pretty today. I love the glow on your face when I see you are happy. I am amazed at your kindness and generosity. Thank you for reminding me of the importance of forgiveness.” I am sure you can go on and on. Say this all out loud as you gaze at your beautiful self.

Before you go on about your day, be sure to say, “Good morning beautiful. I love you more than you can imagine!”

Say it every day!

 

The Grief and Happiness Alliance

Loving and Living Your Way Through Grief

You can listen to my podcast, Grief and Happiness, by clicking here

You can join the Grief and Happiness Alliance which meets weekly on Sundays by clicking here

You can order the International Best Selling The Grief and Happiness Handbook by clicking here.

You can order The Grief and Happiness Cards by clicking here.

You can order Loving and Living Your Way Through Grief by clicking here.

You can sign up for our newsletter here

Last Letters

by

Chances are we won’t know when our last breath occurs. Hopefully it will be at a time of peace when we just go to sleep and not wake up. If this is the case for me, I’ve been wondering if I would have said everything I would want to say before I took that last breath.. Who knows when that’s going to come. It could be any moment, or it could be years down the road. I have relatives that lived long lives, and I’ve had relatives that lived short ones without being able to have any idea when their last moments would be. Because of this, I plan to say what I need to say now.

My husband Ron was only on hospice for a week, and he made good use of that time. He made sure to say whatever he wanted to say to anyone he wanted to say it to. We made a list to be sure he would contact everyone he wanted to. We invited anybody that could get to Maui to come be with him during that last week. He was surrounded by good friends; many had been friends for his lifetime. He also had people who were significant in his life that he hadn’t talked to in years and others he had only known a short time. We made a big effort to get them all called, and by the time he finally went to sleep, we had crossed off all the names on this list, and I could see how grateful he was.

He had the opportunity to tell special friends or family members exactly what he wanted to say. I was in awe listening to him have these last conversations with people that he could express things so deeply, and I thought what a wonderful life he had lived in unconditional love with so many different people. So many of us don’t get that opportunity to say goodbye because we don’t know when that last moment will be. My grandmother went to sleep one night and didn’t wake up. I was just 13 years old, and I tried to remember if I had told her that I loved her. I know we exchanged big hugs. She was the one person in my life at that point that hugged me, and that meant the world to me, so I knew she knew I loved her but I’m not sure if I ever expressed it in words. 

My father died suddenly. I am proud to be his daughter and am amazed at the things he was able to accomplish. He was such a good man. My mom dealt with a brain tumor for a long time. I know I got to tell mom what I wanted to tell her, but it was awfully late in her life. I wish we would have been able to have those conversations as we went along. I’ve had friends die suddenly and I didn’t get to tell them goodbye. This made me think about people that I’m close to now. I want to be sure to not leave things unsaid. 

I have new friends who are special to me, and I want them to know how much I care for them, how much I noticed what they’ve done for me, how much I am honored to have been able to do things for them, and how wonderful it is to have deep friendships. Right now, I commit to making a list of all the people I want to express my gratitude to so that they can know while I’m still around. This can lead to beautiful conversations, or at least they will know how I feel about them and the wonderful times that we’ve spent together. I will make sure that everyone I have something to say to is on that list, and I will write to each of them while I still can. I plan to enjoy all the time that I can with the people that I love.

I’d love for you to make a list or at least talk to the special people that you really want to talk to while you can, or like me, use the list and write letters so your words will always be there. The people I love will have something left from me, and I’m grateful for that.

 

 

I have special gift for you since you read this blog. I have created so beautiful stationery for you to use to write your letters. I would love to gift it to you at no charge. Just send me a message to emily@griefandhappiness.com including your name, and if you would like, your address to include on the stationery. Be sure to include the email address you would like me to send the printable PDF file to you.

 

The Grief and Happiness Alliance

Loving and Living Your Way Through Grief

You can listen to my podcast, Grief and Happiness, by clicking here

You can join the Grief and Happiness Alliance which meets weekly on Sundays by clicking here

You can order the International Best Selling The Grief and Happiness Handbook by clicking here.

You can order The Grief and Happiness Cards by clicking here.

You can order Loving and Living Your Way Through Grief by clicking here.

You can sign up for our newsletter here

Memories

by

Our lives carry millions of memories. These memories can inspire us and amplify all the good in our lives. And the tons of memories  also can weigh us down to the point we can’t easily move forward.

Considering these opposite subjects of fear or loss, and happiness or joy, compile a list of each one. Write these lists on separate pieces of paper.

Start with the memories that are sad, maybe even tragic. Or the memories that are embarrassing or frightening. They may be of extreme frustration. They may be of loss that seems unbearable. Take your time with this list.  Don’t include things you have worked through and released because you have already let them go.

Now write about each item on this list one at a time. For each one, answer these questions:

  1. How long ago did this happen?
  2. Is this any part of your life now?
  3. Do you feel like you are carrying the effects of it now?
  4. Do you want to release it so that it no longer bothers you?

When grieving, much of the pain comes from memories of things you had no control over and of things you wish you had done differently. And most of these things are on the list you just wrote.

You can’t change anything that has happened already, but you can change how you think about it and deal with it now.

There is a beautiful Hawaiian tradition called Ho’oponopono. You can use it for any of these memories you wrote here. The results of sincerely doing each item on this list will change your life dramatically. To do this practice, take one item at a time and write or recite each step.

  1. I am sorry
  2. Please forgive me
  3. Thank you
  4. I love you

This example of how I did this practice will show you how it works. A doctor made a mistake in my husband’s care that led to much of the pain my husband suffered. This is how I dealt with each step of this process.

  1. I am sorry. I apologized for the anger I felt toward the doctor. I knew in my heart that he would not have intentionally afflicted this pain on my husband.
  2. Please forgive me. Forgiveness is essential in any case where you have done anything that needs to be forgiven. I asked for forgiveness for carrying this anger for so long.
  3. Thank you. Look for the good in the situation and be thankful for that. I am thankful for all the good, helpful things that the doctor did for my husband.
  4. I love you. Loving that doctor and all the good things he did allowed me to let go of the anger I had been carrying.

Work your way through your list answering all the questions about each item. You may need to do the practice more than once. Do it till you can release what needs to be about each item. By practicing forgiveness and giving more love out into the world changes not only your life but the lives of those around you.

Now look at your happy list. For each item, recall the experience and what you were happy about. Did you love what happened and the people involved in your happiness? Do you feel joy as you recall what happened. What can you take from these experiences to bring more happiness, love, and joy into your life and the lives of those around you?

This may seem like a lot of work, but it’s worth it. Every day you will feel lighter as you release any trauma from your past and focus on the great life you are creating now filled with joy and love.

Now is the time for you to actively let go of past burdens and discover the wonder waiting for you as you move forward in your grief.

The Grief and Happiness Alliance

Loving and Living Your Way Through Grief

My email is emily@griefandhappiness.com

Let me know if you’d like to receive my newsletters which have lots of good things!

You can listen to my podcast, Grief and Happiness, by clicking here

You can join the Grief and Happiness Alliance Gatherings which meet weekly on Sundays by clicking here

You can order the International Best Selling The Grief and Happiness Handbook by clicking here.

You can order The Grief and Happiness Cards by clicking here.

You can order Loving and Living Your Way Through Grief by clicking here. https://a.co/d/eWNx3j1

 

Dream Your Dreams

by

Do you ever get a song stuck in your head and you find yourself singing bits of it all day?

That happens to me all the time, and the song for me today is I Dreamed a Dream from the hit musical Les Mis. Here are some of the words:

I dreamed a dream in time gone by

When hope was high and life worth living

I dreamed that love would never die . . .

And still I dream he’ll come to me

That we would live the years together

But there are dreams that cannot be. . .*

Jacques and I were 21 years apart so I knew that chances were he would go before me, but after 22 years of marriage, I was lost without him. We were fortunate to be together that long, but I always had the dream of a 50th wedding anniversary. And I was alone. In my life I had never lived alone, and all my dreams had to change. I had no intention of marrying again since I still felt married.

Have your dreams had to change? It’s hard, isn’t it.  We are so conditioned to be husband and wife, or a couple, or mother and child, or the role you played before any loss.  So how have your dreams changed since your loss? What have you done about your loneliness?

I did end up marrying again, and when Ron died, I was overwhelmed. Throughout our lives we experience more and more loss. We can become hardened or depressed, but it is much better for you to decide the best ways for you to start moving forward. Discover the dreams you’d like to experience. A good way to do this is to write about it. Here are some ideas of things to write about to help you find new dreams to dream.

I love to make lists. They help me find what I want to further explore. Get out a new journal, I use composition books you can pick up in drug stores or office supply stores. Here are some ideas of things to write about to help you find new dreams to dream:

List one: What are some places you have always wanted to go to and either couldn’t for some reason, or just didn’t get around to. Have you always wanted to travel, like to Tuscany or Bali? Or maybe you wanted to go to National Parks, or to the beach, or to Broadway.

List two: What have you always wanted to do in your community? Think about opportunities like volunteering at a hospital or homeless center. How about volunteering to make meals with a group that arranges something like that. Or volunteer to clean the beach or a forest or a roadside.

List three: What would you like to do to take care of yourself? Play pickle ball. Swim laps at the community pool. Take a dance class or a yoga class. Take a ceramics class or a watercolor class. Join a support group. Join a gym.

List four: Learn a new skill to get a different job. Make a list of occupations you are interested in.  Search online for training programs of jobs you like. Check at the local community college or university.

As you think about all these things, think about the people you would like to meet. Where would they be? Think about what you will do to feel comfortable in a new place.  You may not have needed to plan things like this in the past, but everything is different now. Going someplace different that where you have been comfortable in the past may not be easy.

The key here is to get out of your home and change your perspective. In the process, start thinking about the new dreams you want to dream.  As you do that, think about what you can actively do to make those dreams come true. Then, set your intention for what sounds like you would like to experience the most.

Dreams can come true.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

*Song writers: Alain Albert Boublil / Claude Michel Schonberg / Herbert Kretzmer / Jean Marc Natel.  I Dreamed a Dream lyrics ©

Slow Down

by

My husband Ron often suggested that I moved too fast. That would just irritate me and I’d move faster. Why didn’t everyone know I had much to do and so little time? I worked every day and had activities every night. On top of that, I belonged to organizations, sat on boards, worked on Art projects, catered when I could fit it in, and savored the few moments in between to pay attention to my loved ones. Just writing all this down now, I can feel myself tensing up.

When Ron admonished me again, I decided to pay attention. What was I doing that no longer served me and I could let go of? That was big. I’m a list maker, so I wrote a list with all I did, I was committed to, what I felt obligated for, and what I loved. This process was a bit overwhelming. I knew I couldn’t handle everything at once, which I had been trying to do. My new commitment was to pare this list down.

This process took a long time, just as the process of doing all those things. I started by easily releasing things I didn’t enjoy or was no longer interested in. I was amazed how many things fit in those categories. Clearing these things out took a while, yet I was rewarded with more space in my days, room to take a breath.

This experience taught me to be mindful when I decide to say yes or no. Being diligent with this process gradually made my life more pleasant in many ways. This was especially helpful as Ron’s health declined. We spent more and more time together and savored every moment. We established a practice of spending our early mornings outside with a fire in our chiminea. There we would read to each other, meditate, and plan our days. Often friends joined us. I felt grounded and accomplished anything I wanted to with plenty of time left over to enjoy.

After Ron transitioned, I kept up this practice, often joined by friends. Now I enjoy my life while doing what makes me happy while serving others. And I have plenty of time and I have released all the stress I thought was an integral part of my life.

Last week my computer started having issues. In the past I would have been so stressed that I didn’t get much done. This time, I took a big breath and started Googling for help. I felt great about correcting some of the issues, but there were some that were beyond me. Then a new friend dropped by, and I mentioned the issue. She said she knew the perfect person to help. I now have an appointment with him.

What I learned through all of this is that staying calm and setting an intention for what would serve me best works. And it feels so good.

What can you do now to help you slow down and savor your life the most?

 

 

 

The Grief and Happiness Alliance

 

Loving and Living Your Way Through Grief

You can listen to my podcast, Grief and Happiness, by clicking here

You can join the Grief and Happiness Alliance which meets weekly on Sundays by clicking here

You can order the International Best Selling The Grief and Happiness Handbook by clicking here.

You can order The Grief and Happiness Cards by clicking here.

You can order Loving and Living Your Way Through Grief by clicking here.

You can sign up for our newsletter here