The Grief and Happiness Alliance

healthy coping mechanisms

Holiday Help

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Dreading the holidays is common while grieving, but this doesn’t have to be the case for you. The length of time that’s passed from when grief started doesn’t matter. My Dad died 34 years ago, and I remember him every Christmas thinking of the Santa outfit I made him because he loved giving presents to the children. The difference is now I smile instead of cry when that memory shows up.

When you are feeling a bit fragile during the holiday season, there are many ways to help you deal with this. Taking advantage of these ideas can brighten your days. Here are some things to consider:

  • Take good care of yourself. Do whatever is right for you. Get plenty of rest. Eat well. Drink lots of water. Go for a walk. Do whatever feels best for you right now.
  • Accept or decline invitations. If you are ready to celebrate, celebrate. If you are not feeling up to being around lots of people, don’t. Or if you are lonely, find the people you would like to be with and schedule something.
  • Pay attention to your grief.  If you need to cry, take time to do that. Consider why the tears are coming at that time, and deal with whatever that is.
  • Write in your journal.  Writing a holiday letter to a loved one who has transitioned can be comforting. Most of us have several letters we could write and each one would be different. You may even experience some form of response to those you write to.
  • Appreciate what you do experience or have. Write a gratitude list that includes things like special memories you have of your loved ones at holiday time. And include things people have done for you to comfort you in your grief.
  • Spend time with people you love. Being with friends and family can be uplifting. If you can’t be present with them, call them or write them.
  • Create new memories. What new traditions can you start? Try going to special events. Or add a different menu for your holiday dinner or breakfast.
  • Ask for help if you need to, or you want support. Reach out to whoever you think would be best for you, maybe a friend, a counselor, a minister.

Focus on the joy you can experience every day. You can do this. I know you can. Allow yourself the ease and grace that allows you to live your best life.

Happy Holidays!

 

Sign up for our free self-paced class: Find Your Holiday Joy! by clicking here.

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You can order the International Best Selling The Grief and Happiness Handbook by clicking here.

You can order The Grief and Happiness Cards by clicking here.

You can order Loving and Living Your Way Through Grief by clicking here. https://a.co/d/eWNx3j1

Grateful for Love

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Holidays bring memories of our precious loved ones who aren’t at the table. Try finding ways to feel their presence.  I start every day with my journal, so on holidays I always write to my loved ones. Many of us have the tradition of saying what we are thankful for at the table before we eat. I do that, and I also write in my journal something I am grateful for about my loved ones. And I record special memories. Starting my day that way allows me to feel their comfort all day.

I remember home cured olives mom’s friends would bring. I remember putting my handprint on a steamy kitchen window while relishing the fragrance of sage and thyme. I remember laughter and storytelling at the table. Most Thanksgivings I’ve invited people who don’t have someplace else to go. We’ve had traveling nurses, actors, friends we rarely saw, and even ex-wives—. We share memories of our loved ones and often raise a toast in honor of them.

I usually don’t wear jewelry any more with my casual island lifestyle. But during the holidays I make an exception. I’ll wear the ruby ring my Daddy gave me for my 16th birthday to remember him by. I wear the ring Jacques had made for me with my children’s birthstones. I wear my wedding ring and Ron’s that I had fused together. And I wear lots of other beautiful things that remind me of the great lives I have experienced, and still experience now in a different way.

For dinner we have special foods that say Thanksgiving to me. I love to make the herby dressing my mom did and the cornbread stuffing my mother-in-law Fran always made. And I always make what mom called Waldorf salad that isn’t like any recipe I’ve seen. Most people don’t care for it, but for my son and I, it wouldn’t be Thanksgiving without  its yumminess.

And the day wouldn’t be complete without music, so in the background there will always be some J. S. Bach and some smooth jazz. Make your holiday special, even if you aren’t preparing a feast. Fill it with loving memories and smiles. Text your loved ones who aren’t there with you, and savor the love you have had throughout your life.

I’m sending you lots of comfort for a day filled with love.

 

You can listen to my podcast, Grief and Happiness, by clicking here

You can join the Grief and Happiness Alliance which meets weekly on Sundays by clicking here

You can order the International Best Selling The Grief and Happiness Handbook by clicking here.

You can order The Grief and Happiness Cards by clicking here.

You can order Loving and Living Your Way Through Grief by clicking here. https://a.co/d/eWNx3j1

 

Three and a Half Rainbows

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Christmas Eve, 2015, my husband was discharged from the hospital. Our ride home that day was one I thought we wouldn’t have been taking. He was critically ill with congestive heart failure and had spent many days in the hospital this time. In the past his stays had been shorter, so I was fighting with the thought of him not coming home. I knew dwelling in this thought was not serving us, yet it was pulling me away from the joy of the moment that he really was coming home.

We live on Maui, and rainbows are a big deal here. They are even on our car license plates. The first rainbow I saw that day was from his hospital window. I had developed the practice of taking a deep breath every time I saw a rainbow, and that breath was essential in that moment.

As we started our half hour drive home, I saw another rainbow, a really big one, ahead of us. I commented on its beauty as I enjoyed another deep breath. As we continued our journey, rainbows continued to appear. They we all different shapes and sizes and appearing in totally different locations, so I knew I was seeing the same one just from different angles.

As we got close to home, we saw a giant rainbow and we could see it touching the ground in a vacant field. And I noticed the absence of a pot of gold. Right then I realized I was sitting in that pot of gold in my car with my husband beside me knowing that we were experiencing Christmas together. I counted nine rainbows that day.

Since then, I smile every time I see a rainbow, take that deep breath, and know that in that moment all is well.

We have been dealing with higher temperatures on Maui and a lack of rain. Rainbows also are absent in the sky and our verdant island is now brown.  With the tragedy of all the wildfires, including the devastating Lahaina fire, we are on edge, wondering when the next fire will come.

Saturday, I went to an art class in a beautiful old mansion perched on a hill when the top of a giant, vivid rainbow appeared. Though I couldn’t see it all, I realized I was standing above it, over the rainbow so to speak. I took in my deep breath and smiled, and though it was barely sprinkling, It finally felt like rain may come.

The next day from the window in my friend’s car, we saw a giant vivid rainbow seemingly miles wide. Still no rain.

The next day in the middle of several days with high, dry winds reaching up to fifty miles an hour, the emergency alarms went off on our phones indicating yet another fire and the main highway on the island was closed both directions because of that wildfire.

I was hesitant to drive to a doctor’s appointment, but I ventured out anyway. As I came out of the office, there was another big rainbow seeming to go ahead of my car on my journey home.  As I got close to home, a short, wide rainbow appeared on a dark cloud next to the big one. I knew it was the only part of the double rainbow that I couldn’t see the rest of, but it looked like half a rainbow to me.

After the three days of rainbows, the blessed rain finally came, the fire was put out, and there is hope for recovery of our beautiful Maui.

When we pay attention, we can experience signs around us meant to give comfort and assurance that all is well. I am grateful for my three and a half rainbows. I take a deep breath and smile.

 

You can listen to my podcast, Grief and Happiness, by clicking here

You can join the Grief and Happiness Alliance which meets weekly on Sundays by clicking here

You can order the International Best Selling The Grief and Happiness Handbook by clicking here.

You can order The Grief and Happiness Cards by clicking here.

You can order Loving and Living Your Way Through Grief by clicking here at Amazon:

Love Letters

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I just read Jane Asher’s book The Next Room. She wrote this book with her mother and it is filled with wisdom.  I felt like I was in the room with them as Jane asked her mother deep questions and her answers were kind, deep, and filled with love. They were questions she would have loved to talk to her mother about while she was alive.

Jane came from a close, big family. She was the youngest and remembers growing up in a small town. When her mother died, her father asked Jane if he could talk with her friend who communicates with people after they transition. Her dad received so much comfort from their communication that she chose to meet with her friend too.

Jane had questions for her mother, so she shared these with her friend and her friend told Jane her mother’s answers. She was comforted and amazed by what her mother shared, so she wrote it all down to remember this guidance. Jane knew she had to write what she learned from her mother in a book.

Jane also realized she could communicate with her mother without the help of a medium, so she asked her mother to write with her, and her mother said yes. They wrote The Next Room together and I highly recommend this beautiful book.

Inspired by Jane’s book, I now include asking questions of my loved ones who have transitioned when I I write in my journal daily. My journaling has become much longer, and I am comforted by the answers I receive that are always filled with love.

If you are skeptical about this, I understand. I can’t tell you for sure that the answers I receive come from my loved ones. I may already embody the discernment I am seeking, and writing my questions in my journal allows me to discover what I already know.

Wherever the answers that I write in my journal come from, I accept them as love letters from my family and friends.  And each morning when I close my journal, I am smiling and grateful for all I discover in my writing.

Try writing to your departed loved ones and see what they share with you. You will be so happy you did!

 

You can listen to my podcast, Grief and Happiness, by clicking here

You can join the Grief and Happiness Alliance which meets weekly on Sundays by clicking here

You can order the International Best Selling The Grief and Happiness Handbook by clicking here.

You can order The Grief and Happiness Cards by clicking here.

You can order Loving and Living Your Way Through Grief by clicking here at Amazon:

Like a Child

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I was a latchkey child. Back in the olden days when I was young, starting in Kindergarten I walked to and from school by myself and entertained myself after school. My favorite childhood memories came from those times. I was so creative! I loved being outside, and walking was fun for me. I loved looking at all the houses and imagining what went on inside.  I especially liked the luscious fragrances wafting from the kitchens or the sweet smell of freshly mowed grass.

I knew all the families on our block, so if I ever needed anything, I visited them. There were no fences. I especially liked the people across the street who had an aviary for parakeets. They’d let me help with the birds and even gave me a pretty blue one to keep as a thank you. I wasn’t lonely because Julie was my imaginary friend. We loved to play together, and she was an amazing listener who always liked my ideas. She shared my bedroom and loved the same toys I did. She was a perfect friend!

The freedom I experienced at such a young age taught me to be independent, wise, brave, creative, and self-assured.  I heard someone giving advice recently who said, “Let your little girl lead the way.” With that, I remembered my little girl and how cool she was!  When I thought of myself as a little girl, I was impressed. I also saw that the words I used to describe her then are words I can use to describe me now. Of course, in all the years between then and now, I could use lots of other words to describe me, not always so positive. Now I have come full circle and am happy and grateful for the simplicity of my life.

What was your little girl (or little boy) like? Does your life now reflect who you were when you were young? I don’t remember things like wants or needs. I do remember peace and happiness. When you start to get stressed and have lots of “if only” thoughts beating you down, remember the good feelings you had as a child and let that child guide you to smile, be brave, and be strong. Make a list of the good attributes you had when you were young, and consider how that child in your past can bring you joy today.

 

You can join the Grief and Happiness Alliance which meets weekly on Sundays by clicking here

You can order the International Best Selling The Grief and Happiness Handbook by clicking here.

You can order Loving and Living Your Way Through Grief by clicking here at Amazon:

You can listen to my podcast, Grief and Happiness, by clicking here

Me

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A popular assignment in writing classes at the university where I taught was to ask the students to write their own obituaries. I encouraged the students to write from the perspective of their futures as if they were 60 to 80 years old, reflecting on what they had accomplished in their lives.

The students had a hard time writing this.  They didn’t know what their futures would hold, and they had a hard time imagining what they might experience. They were focused on finishing their educations and getting jobs. I chose to write my own obituary to give them an idea of what theirs could be like. My life has changed so much since then, it’s time for me to write a new one,

Now I would focus on what has been most important in my life. Before I reflected on things like degrees, accomplishments, and awards. Now I write about love, relationships, and the beauty in my life.

Now what I want people to remember about me is that my purpose in life has been and is to serve others, not only my family and loved ones, but anyone who desires comfort, support, love, and happiness. And I would express how I would be honored if anyone would choose to emulate the purpose I have held.

I would also express my gratitude to everyone who has loved and supported me on my way. Of course, I also love to express that gratitude now while I can do it in person.

What would you write in your obituary?

 

You can join the Grief and Happiness Alliance which meets weekly on Sundays by clicking here

You can order the International Best Selling The Grief and Happiness Handbook by clicking here.

You can order Loving and Living Your Way Through Grief by clicking here at Amazon:

You can listen to my podcast, Grief and Happiness, by clicking here