The Grief and Happiness Alliance

healthy coping mechanisms

Letting Go of Who You Used to Be

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After my husband died, I found myself sitting in my usual chair on the lani where we used to spend time every day. The sky was still cerulean with puffy clouds gently transforming as they drifted by. I felt his presence in his chair next to mine. Every day we were together here sharing deep conversations or just enjoying the view of our verdant yard overflowing with tropical fruits and flowers, listening to the melodious bird songs. But now his chair was empty, and I was adrift.

I had found deep contentment in my role as a wife. Our life was simple. As he was able to do less, I did more. We decided that our priority was to live in each moment recognizing the value of our time together. We often held hands and always cuddled in bed. During his frequent stays in the hospital, the nurses were amused that often found me at his side in bed. We loved our life together.

When I ultimately found myself alone, I had no idea how to move forward. All the roles I had played throughout my lifetime no longer applied.  I had been a wife, a lover, a mother, a teacher, a nurse, a caretaker, a business owner, a volunteer, a community servant, and so much more. I would try to meditate or just think of how I could start living my best life in my new situation. Ideas ricocheted through my brain colliding with each other until nothing made sense. Then I turned to my journal knowing that when I wrote my thoughts, I could organize them and create a new path just for me.

I wrote and wrote and wrote. I started one page in my journal with the words, “Who Am I.” As I explored that simple question, discovered that the roles I had been playing in my life mostly no longer applied. That was shocking. That page I had labeled “Who Am I” became “Who Was I.”  I was ready to start a new page, letting go of who I was and define who I am now.

On my new “Who I Am Now” page, I started by identifying what my life’s purpose is now. Lots of exploring my ideas by writing about them led me to my new purpose statement: “All I do focuses on giving and receiving unconditional love, promoting happiness, and providing comfort and support to others, especially to those who are dealing with grief and loss.” Once my purpose became clear to me, everything started falling into place.

I keep track of how I am fulfilling my purpose by writing in my journal every day.  I set goals, I record what I am grateful for, I include things that bring me joy every day, and I note how all I do now fits beautifully in my new life’s purpose.  I released the struggle of trying to figure everything out, and I accept the peace of knowing that I am on the path I am meant to travel.

Try letting go of the labels that no longer serve you and discover who you are now.

 

You can join the Grief and Happiness Alliance which meets weekly on Sundays by clicking here

You can order the International Best Selling The Grief and Happiness Handbook by clicking here.

You can order Loving and Living Your Way Through Grief by clicking here at Amazon:

You can listen to my podcast, Grief and Happiness, by clicking here

Grief is Not a One Person Job

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I heard a rustling in the dry leaves under my avocado tree. When I tried to check it out, a whole family rushed out: a rooster, a hen, and 5 chicks.  They ran for their lives away from me. Chicken families tend to stick together to travel from one destination to the next I am sure for self-preservation. Contemplating this, I wonder why humans don’t do a better job at supporting each other.

People often tell me they feel so alone in their grief, and I understand that. After my husband Jacques died, I found myself alone much of the time. I didn’t have the inspiration or strength I needed to figure out how to do anything about my situation, so I stayed alone for quite a while.

After Ron died, I made the decision to do things differently than I had before. When I was ready, I started small. I would send an email or write a letter to someone I wanted to hear from. And I moved forward from there by asking a friend to join me for a cup of tea or a walk. That human contact felt so good. Then I started inviting people to come to my house to write together, play games, or work on projects.

The more time I spent with others, the better I felt. And I noticed that people I spent time with were smiling. I realized that they were reflecting my smile back to me. I was feeling so good about the time I was spending with others, I decided to reach out to people dealing with grief and loss to and invite them to meet with me online to write together, talk about what we write, learn happiness practices, and make new friends. I created the Grief and Happiness Alliance to do just that.

I now have friends from around the world who gather with me online each week to experience the comfort and support from others who understand the value of spending time with people while they are grieving. When we don’t make an effort to actively deal with our grief, we can easily get lost in our isolation. However, we can easily step forward by contacting people we love and by finding your new tribe in a beautiful place like the Grief and Happiness Alliance. I would love to see you there.

 

You can join the Grief and Happiness Alliance which meets weekly on Sundays by clicking here

You can order the International Best Selling The Grief and Happiness Handbook by clicking here.

You can order Loving and Living Your Way Through Grief by clicking here at Amazon:

You can listen to my podcast, Grief and Happiness, by clicking here

Where Does All the Time Go?

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Do you ever get to the end of the day and feel further behind from when the day started? That’s not uncommon. Often, our To Do Lists are much longer than can possibly be accomplished in just one day, yet we keep plodding through with time slipping away and the list getting longer. Here are some ideas to help with this.

  • If you have a To Do List, check to see if each item on the list is important. Remove anything that is not important, choose the top three things on the list, and do all three first. Then choose the next top three. This helps you to release feeling overwhelmed.
  • When you accomplish something, pause before you jump right to the next thing. Take a breath. Smile. Stretch. Be gentle with yourself as you move forward.
  • Eliminate waiting from your life. Knowing that you only get to live each moment once, feel the value of that moment. Instead of going directly to your phone when you have a free moment, use that time to discover the beauty that surrounds you or to introduce yourself to the person sitting next to you. Or you could write a note or text to someone just to tell them you are thinking of them. Or just be silent and still.
  • Think about how people say they are “killing time.” Time is all we have, so why would you want to kill it? Value your time. Enjoy your time.

You have all the time in the world to live. Take advantage of your time to focus on what matters most to you. You will discover you smile more and fret less. What a beautiful way to live! Live in and enjoy every moment.

 

 

You can join the Grief and Happiness Alliance, which meets weekly on Sundays by clicking here

You can order the International Best Selling The Grief and Happiness Handbook by clicking here.

You can order Loving and Living Your Way Through Grief by clicking here at Amazon:

You can listen to my podcast, Grief and Happiness, by clicking here

The People You Touch

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In early grief, self-isolation is common. Frequently, we are not interested in conversation and talking to anyone may seem like a chore. We may not even feel like getting out of bed or getting up off the couch. Being outside may feel insecure, so hibernating indoors, waiting for all the pain to fade away, may be the best thing we can do at that moment.

Eventually, the light starts to break through. Maybe it’s a particularly beautiful sunrise you step outside to fully experience. Or maybe you develop a craving for a certain food, so you venture to the corner store. Whatever the inspiration, inevitably, you’ll be ready to start moving forward.

Initially, your friends and family may have been checking up on you, but the longer you are isolated, the less frequently they reach out. Now that you are awakening, you see that the rest of the world has already moved on. What you are missing now is company, but you may be too tender to reach out.

If this is your situation, commit to self-care.  Start by daydreaming about what would feel good who you would enjoy being with. One of my friends decided to take me to the beach. I didn’t have much energy, so I sat in my beach chair while she went on a walk. Basking in the sunshine, I enjoyed the rhythm of the waves and the children’s laughter at the shore.  This felt so good, and I knew I was ready to bring myself to the beach next time and go for a walk.

Instead of waiting for someone else to come along and sweep me away, I signed up for a ceramics class. This was a safe space for me to observe, listen and learn. And feeling the clay in my hands again after so long was refreshing. I realized that my creativity nurtures me, and I decided to do more. I also enjoyed listening to the conversations of my fellow students and eventually joined in.

I gained strength by being with others, so I decided to create a group of people who were grieving and wanting to feel better. We could get together and write and share what we were writing. Strangers to each other at first, we became like family, caring for and supporting each other. And the group grew.

With Thanksgiving coming up, I had been dreading the holiday alone. Most people I knew already had plans for the day, so I decided to invite people I’d been missing to come to my house the week before Thanksgiving for a Friendsgiving celebration. Many people came and were thrilled to get together again. We ate and played music and games, having a wonderful time.

I realized I didn’t have to be alone. Many people had missed me and were at a loss of how to reconnect. Being with my friends, feeling the warmth of their care, I knew I was on my way forward, never to go back to the lonely, isolated place I’d been dwelling.

Now I know that while enjoying some alone time and rest, being with old and new friends is where I am meant to be. Now I facilitate gatherings, I take and teach classes, and I don’t hesitate to reach out when I desire company. With those people I touch now, I am developing rich, deep relationships which greatly enhance our life experiences, and I am grateful.

 

You can join the Grief and Happiness Alliance which meets weekly on Sundays by clicking here

You can order the International Best Selling The Grief and Happiness Handbook by clicking here.

You can order Loving and Living Your Way Through Grief by clicking here at Amazon:

You can listen to my podcast, Grief and Happiness, by clicking here

A Good Death

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I put myself through college by working as a Licensed Vocational Nurse. People in the medical field are sometimes approached by others for medical advice. I didn’t give medical advice, but I did help people when I could. One day, a friend of a friend called me and said that her mother was staying at her home while she was on Hospice. She said that her regular visiting nurse couldn’t come in that day and that her mother needed to be bathed and to give her medications, and she asked me if I could help. So, I did.

When I arrived, the mother’s family was gathered around her, though she was no longer speaking. I suggested that for her privacy that they could wait in the other room while she got her bath. I gave her a bed bath, which was a beautiful experience as she was so peaceful. During the bath, I sensed she was transitioning. I took her pulse, which was very slow and irregular, and her breathing had slowed way down.

By the end of her bath, her heart had stopped. I put on the powder that she loved and dressed her in a fresh nightgown. She looked comfortable. I told her family that her breathing and heart had stopped and that she was no longer in pain. They gathered around her, and I quietly slipped away.  On my drive home, I realized she had a good death.

What would you consider a good death? For your loved ones? For you? Although my mother dealt with the effects of a brain tumor for a couple of years, she died in her bed with me by her side, giving her permission to go. My dad died a good death in that he had a heart attack and didn’t have to struggle with pain or a long hospitalization. My husband Ron died a good death as the last week of his life he was on hospice, and he got to say goodbye to his friends and family who had traveled to Maui to be with him. And he face-timed with those who couldn’t make the trip to Maui. My mother-in-law died a good death in the hospital where she wanted to be. I was by her side giving her permission to go, and she got to avoid having surgery she didn’t want for a bowel obstruction.

The experience that I had with my mother and mother-in-law of giving them permission to let go is often done.  When people realize that death is near, they may fear death, or they may not want to cause pain to their loved ones by having them present to witness the death.  I have given the same message to others, and they all seemed to relax as they died. For these people, their death was good.

The key to having a good death is to speak openly about the inevitability of death with your loved ones. Think about what is important to you and to your loved ones not only for your death but also theirs.  Here are some ideas for what to talk about:

  • You may want all lifesaving procedures to be done if your heart stops. Or you may not want this.
  • You may want to die with dignity. Define what that means to you.
  • You may want to have a feeding tube to bring you nutrition if you can no longer swallow. Or you may not want a feeding tube ever.
  • You may have religious or spiritual considerations you want followed.
  • You may want your quality of life considered when decisions are being made regarding life savings measures.
  • You may not choose to obey a doctor’s orders, and you have a right to make that decision.

Now is the time for you to have these conversations and to examine how you feel about all of this.

My definition of a good death is one where my wishes for me are followed and where I am pain free.  What is your definition of a good death?

 

 

You can join the Grief and Happiness Alliance, which meets weekly on Sundays by clicking here

You can order the International Best Selling The Grief and Happiness Handbook by clicking here.

You can order Loving and Living Your Way Through Grief by clicking here at Amazon:

You can listen to my podcast, Grief and Happiness, by clicking here

We Get By With A Little Help From Our Friends  

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I just finished going through all my emails with updates relating to the Maui Fires.  The three biggest fires are not contained, but they will be soon. Maui residents are pulling together to help in any way we can. With almost 5,000 people without housing who have lost everything, there is so much to do.  The creativity people demonstrate is inspiring. Hawaii musicians are coming together to stage concerts. Restaurants are having fundraisers. Grocery Stores are collecting donations at checkout with the donation amount printed on the receipt for tax deductions. Maui artist Rebecca Lowell decorated an evacuation center with her artwork. And so much more! Michael Franti, who lives in California, is my favorite singer. In a bold way, he brings his music of peace and love around the world. He raised and donated $35,000 to Maui.

We keep hearing about how people step in and help in so many ways. I even did a Facebook fundraiser and raised over $6,000.

During my life, I have made many friends along the way. Even if I don’t see them or talk to them, I still consider them friends. Going through this devastating experience on our beautiful island home, I am grateful to all my friends who have reached out to me. I’ve had wonderful, long phone calls and many texts and emails. I’ve heard from classmates all the way back to kindergarten. I have heard from colleagues from different careers I have had. I’ve heard from neighbors from different places I’ve lived. I’ve heard from people who have read my books and people who participate in the Grief and Happiness Alliance and more. I am realizing how much love and friendship I have experienced, and that is soothing to my soul.

After my husband Ron died, I was searching for what I was supposed to do. From that came my commitment to provide comfort, support, love, and happiness to people dealing with grief and loss. I am doing that by writing my books, hosting my podcast, and facilitating the Grief and Happiness Alliance.  I love following this path. As the reality of the tremendous loss on our island sinks in, I realize how much I can do right here. I am grateful for the opportunity to help people deal with all this loss by writing about it.

Are you writing about your grief and loss? If not, this is a good time to start.

Are you in touch with all your friends you would like to be? If not, reach out.

 

The Grief and Happiness Alliance Nonprofit Organization has established a Maui Grief Relief fund. From every $25 donated to this fund, we give a copy of The Grief and Happiness Handbook to a Maui resident. And we use the funds to establish writing groups on Maui to help our residents through this mutual loss.  We’d love for you to donate to that fund by clicking here.

If you would like to donate to Maui Food Bank, you can click here.

 

You can join the Grief and Happiness Alliance, which meets weekly on Sundays, by clicking here.

You can order the International Best Selling The Grief and Happiness Handbook by clicking here.

You can order Loving and Living Your Way Through Grief by clicking here at Amazon:

You can listen to my podcast, Grief and Happiness, by clicking here