The Grief and Happiness Alliance

healthy coping mechanisms

I’m Sorry for Our Loss

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Those who know me know I frequently ask people to not say “I’m sorry for your loss.”  This phrase grates as trite and something people say out of a sense of obligation to recognize someone’s loss then rush on to what they actually want to talk about.

I just got home from a nine hour flight where I binge watched the series “And Just Like That . . . .”  because I heard it deals with loss in many different ways. While the subject matter of the show won’t appeal to everyone, one particular line caught my attention.

In an effort to offer condolences, a character said that dreaded “I’m sorry for your loss.” The person responding said “I’m sorry for our loss.” That took my breath away. Finally someone gets it. Sharing grief multiplies the comfort of community.

A person who is offering sympathy is often grieving for the same person, or they may be grieving someone else. All of us are grieving someone or something most of the time. The challenge comes when we lack support and comfort. By saying “our,” we bring the person speaking into our circle.

Saying “I am sorry for our loss” can open communication by recognizing your own grief and recognizing the grief of someone who is trying to support you.

Next time someone says, “I am sorry for your loss,” be a mirror to them with your reply. This can lead to a deeper friendship and the warmth of understanding.

To each person reading this, I am sorry for our loss.

 

 

Get your Awaken Your Happiness Journaling Guide at no charge by clicking here: https://www.griefandhappiness.com/pl/2147595767

You can join the Grief and Happiness Alliance which meets weekly on Sundays by clicking here: https://www.griefandhappiness.com/offers/ytK7eLBa

You can order Loving and Living Your Way Through Grief by clicking here at Amazon.

https://www.amazon.com/Loving-Living-Your-Though-Grief/dp/1642504823/ref=tmm_pap_swatch_0?_encoding=UTF8&qid=1658356016&sr=8-1

You can listen to my podcast, Grief and Happiness, here. https://podcasts.apple.com/us/podcast/loving-and-living-your-way-through-grief-with/id1509589686?i=1000535381763

Miracles Already Are

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How many miracles have you experienced in your life? I’ll bet you can’t count them. Most of us go through life without realizing that each of our lives is a miracle. Every moment of our lives is a miracle.

When I was training to be a nurse, I was required to observe a surgery being done. I had studied anatomy and physiology but seeing it from the inside out was life changing for me. To see what a stomach actually looked like, and to see the peristalsis (continuous movement) of the intestines ushering the patient’s waste out of his body. Wow. Just wow.  The miracle of our body’s diligence at keeping us functional and alive will always amaze me.

Think of the miracle of thinking! And talking. And reading. And walking. And I look outside at the miracle of the avocados growing on the tree to feed us, the wind blowing to freshen the air, and the raindrops bringing precious moisture to our vegetable garden.

I have a hard time thinking of things I wouldn’t consider a miracle.  We do not have to create miracles because they are already there

I do believe that we are responsible for what we do with all these miracles that come our way. I believe that falling in love is a miracle whether it’s with your new partner, your new baby, or your new puppy. The love we share is such a gift.

My point here is to encourage us all to take a look at this life experience that we are having right now and appreciate how miraculous everything is. When you look at your life as it in this moment, what are you grateful for? When you look at everything as a miracle, you can fully realize how good life is!

 

Get your Awaken Your Happiness Journaling Guide at no charge by clicking here: https://www.griefandhappiness.com/pl/2147595767

You can join the Grief and Happiness Alliance which meets weekly on Sundays by clicking here: https://www.griefandhappiness.com/offers/ytK7eLBa

You can order Loving and Living Your Way Through Grief by clicking here at Amazon.

https://www.amazon.com/Loving-Living-Your-Though-Grief/dp/1642504823/ref=tmm_pap_swatch_0?_encoding=UTF8&qid=1658356016&sr=8-1

You can listen to my podcast, Grief and Happiness, here. https://podcasts.apple.com/us/podcast/loving-and-living-your-way-through-grief-with/id1509589686?i=1000535381763

Say It Now!

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I feel so fortunate now that for all my loved ones who have transitioned, I was able to say whatever I wanted them to know before they died. That is such a good feeling.

Feeling like I had no more I had to say freed me to have wonderful conversations with these people. We were able to talk about anything we wanted to because we weren’t holding anything back. My mother had an inoperable brain tumor which interfered with her ability to communicate in the present, but her past memories were crystal clear, so I was able to hear about my family’s history I wouldn’t have known otherwise.

I have a dear friend who I lost touch with for many years, and when we reconnected, it felt like we had never been apart. We didn’t need to spend time on the past though because the present was real and happening now. This gave a different slant to our relationship than we used to have. And I love her even more.

My husband Ron and I had lived full lives before we met. Our experiences were wide and varied, but we didn’t dwell there.  We got to know each other as we were in that moment. That was freeing. I was able to let go of past experiences which no longer served me because they really didn’t matter to me anymore.  This made our conversations relevant and interesting. By the time he died, we were complete and whole.

On the other hand, Ron hadn’t had much of a relationship with his son for years. His son came to me with questions about his dad after he died, and I couldn’t answer. I could see that he wished he would have asked sooner. The realization that he could no longer find the answers he longed for was difficult for him. Something like this can be devastating.

Are you holding back an important conversation with someone you love? How would you feel if suddenly you would never have the conversation or make amends, or tell the truth?

Now is your opportunity to speak up. What question do you want or feel the need to have an answer about? What deep feelings do you want to express yet never found the right moment?

Instead of just thinking about these things that are important to you, do something now.

Make a phone call, write a letter, or send a text to make arrangements to see someone face to face, even if it is on a screen, then say what you need to say. Say it now. You will be so glad you did!

 

 

Get your Awaken Your Happiness Journaling Guide at no charge by clicking here: https://www.griefandhappiness.com/pl/2147595767

You can join the Grief and Happiness Alliance which meets weekly on Sundays by clicking here: https://www.griefandhappiness.com/offers/ytK7eLBa

You can order Loving and Living Your Way Through Grief by clicking here at Amazon.

https://www.amazon.com/Loving-Living-Your-Though-Grief/dp/1642504823/ref=tmm_pap_swatch_0?_encoding=UTF8&qid=1658356016&sr=8-1

You can listen to my podcast, Grief and Happiness, here. https://podcasts.apple.com/us/podcast/loving-and-living-your-way-through-grief-with/id1509589686?i=1000535381763

Reawakening Grief

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Every day when I wake up, I remember waking up in that room with my amazing husband. We considered that room our sacred space. Most mornings I wake happy and grateful to have spent ten years in his arms and heart. Then sometimes I wake up empty. On days like that, I know to pay attention.

When we get reminders of our loved ones, it seems to me that they are sending messages.  I sit now on my lanai, Hawaiian word for patio, in the same chair I sat in while Ron was in the chair next to me.  I feel his comfort and presence in this lovely space. I know he inspires me as I write, and that we are still helping people together. In moments like this, I experience that joy that comes with grief when you get to the point of acceptance of your loss.

Think about places you can be or go that were special to you and your loved one.  When you are there, sometimes there may be tears with the overflow of your love dripping out. Feel that feeling. Experience that experience. The more you do, the more comfort you will grow into with those memories.  The space of your grief expands to allow the happiness and joy you crave as you remember.

Whenever your grief reawakens, sit with it.  Contemplate it. What is it telling you? Some people feel that grief is always sad and needs to be avoided, but when you sit with it, spending time with precious memories, seeing how these memories inspire you now as you move foreword can feel like a precious hug from your loved one, letting you know all is well and that the love you shared is eternal.

I heard someone say, if your memories are not giving you the answers you are looking for, maybe you are remembering the wrong ones. What memories can you focus on to bring you the inspiration and comfort you are seeking? Those are the memories to cherish.

 

 

Get your Awaken Your Happiness Journaling Guide at no charge by clicking here: https://www.griefandhappiness.com/pl/2147595767

You can join the Grief and Happiness Alliance which meets weekly on Sundays by clicking here: https://www.griefandhappiness.com/offers/ytK7eLBa

You can order Loving and Living Your Way Through Grief by clicking here at Amazon.

https://www.amazon.com/Loving-Living-Your-Though-Grief/dp/1642504823/ref=tmm_pap_swatch_0?_encoding=UTF8&qid=1658356016&sr=8-1

You can listen to my podcast, Grief and Happiness, here. https://podcasts.apple.com/us/podcast/loving-and-living-your-way-through-grief-with/id1509589686?i=1000535381763

Waiting . . . .

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Have you ever thought about how much time you spend waiting? Where do you wait? Often, we are in line at the bank, the grocery store, the fast food place, the post office, the car pool lane; or we wait at the doctor’s office, the airport, the dentist’s office, the restaurant.  How often to you wait for someone or something?  Maybe you are waiting to hear if you got a loan, what grades you earned, a package coming in the mail. Just think about the hours of your life that you spend passively waiting.

I have thumbed through magazines I wasn’t interested in waiting for appointments. I have spent way too much time in lines at airports hoping I won’t miss my flight. I’ve spent time waiting for that special invitation to arrive. I also spend time at night waiting to fall asleep. I am sure if I added all these minutes and hours, it would add up to maybe years of my life.  When I paid attention to this, I decided I must change my ways.

I used to play solitaire on my phone while waiting until I started thinking that I was just wasting my valuable time.  Now I keep a book to read and a book and podcast to listen to on my phone instead. Other times I realize how freeing it is to not be looking at my phone.  Sometimes I look around me and seek the most beautiful thing I can see. Other times I see if I can get someone to smile just by smiling at them. And I’ve made new friends by striking up a conversation with someone waiting where I am waiting too.

I used to wait until my pile of important papers got too high before I decided to file them.  This just makes a mess. Or I wait too long to do the laundry till the task seems overwhelming.  Now I pay attention to when I am doing something like this so I will do things sooner when it doesn’t take so long.

What does this have to do with grief? This can start before a loved one dies. You’ll find yourself worrying about what test results will be or how a treatment or surgery will affect your loved one, and how those results will affect your life. You may find yourself waiting for someone you love to die because it breaks your heart to see them suffer, then you feel guilty for even considering that. After a loved one passes, we may be waiting to feel better or for our grief to be over. We may even find ourselves waiting to die so we don’t have to be alone anymore.

My question for you is, how does any of this waiting serve you? In my case, most often I see that waiting doesn’t serve me at all. I realized how many moments were passing me by, wasted.  And I realized how valuable those moments are. Waking up to this allowed me to make use of those moments in ways it serves me.

I seek ways to complete tasks sure, but beyond that, I seek ways to make each moment the best it can be.  For instance, in a moment I could write a note or address a card to someone I would like to cheer up, to stay in contact with, or to just tell them I love them. I could take a moment to take a deep breath and blow out any tension I am holding. I could take a moment to appreciate the beauty of a flower I see. I could take a moment to discover a healthy recipe I could make.

Ron and I had a big bottle we’d but our change in so that it didn’t weigh down our pockets or my purse.  When the bottle got full, we would dump it into the machine at the bank that sorted and counted it. Usually, we were surprised by what the total was, and we’d always use that money to do something special that we wouldn’t have otherwise.

Think of your moments of waiting as valuable currency that you could put in a bottle or a special bank just for moments. When you add up all those moments that you lost waiting in the past, in the present now you can use what you have recognized or saved to make special moments for yourself and your loved ones that you thought you didn’t have time for.

Every single moment is valuable. Experiencing each of those moments with love and joy rather that stress and anguish is a gift that you can give yourself every day, every moment.  You will be so glad you did.

 

Get your Awaken Your Happiness Journaling Guide at no charge by clicking here: https://www.griefandhappiness.com/pl/2147595767

You can join the Grief and Happiness Alliance which meets weekly on Sundays by clicking here: https://www.griefandhappiness.com/offers/ytK7eLBa

You can order Loving and Living Your Way Through Grief by clicking here at Amazon.

https://www.amazon.com/Loving-Living-Your-Though-Grief/dp/1642504823/ref=tmm_pap_swatch_0?_encoding=UTF8&qid=1658356016&sr=8-1

You can listen to my podcast, Grief and Happiness, here. https://podcasts.apple.com/us/podcast/loving-and-living-your-way-through-grief-with/id1509589686?i=1000535381763

Sit With It

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Sometimes we all get to a point that stops us. Maybe it’s hard to concentrate or remember what you wanted to. Maybe you have a feeling of emptiness or grief. Maybe you don’t have any idea why you are feeling what you are feeling. You just know that life in general is not working for you in this moment.

That feeling will vary in expression from weariness, to tears, to blankness, to just not know what to do about anything. Does this sound familiar? Know that you are not alone.  As much as you may feel that everything seems to be just fine, still this way of feeling hits you without warning. What do you do when it hits?

First, cancel your plans and find a comfortable place to be alone. This may be outside in your yard, on a park bench, or just sitting in your parked car. Find a place where you won’t be disturbed, the phone can’t ring, the computer is closed, and the doorbell can’t ring.  This is a special time just for you, to take care of you.

You may want to bring with you a nice glass of ice water. You may want to play some soft music without words or you may want to just listen to the birds or some running water nearby. You will want to be dressed comfortably. You may want to take your shoes off.

Now just be with yourself. There’s no need for a prescribed activity. Just sit or recline. A hammock is a wonderful place for this. Try focusing on your breathing. Take a slow breath in and a slower breath out. Choose just one word to focus on like comfort or support, or whatever you would love to experience right now. Choose just that one word and say it as you breath in and as you breath out.

Feel the warmth of the sun or the gentle breeze, or the cool air from the fan. Know this is your time with no obligations, no worries, just gentle, quiet time just for you. When a worry or sorrow tries to enter your space, gently acknowledge it and tell it you are not open to hear it right now. Go back to your breathing, and that one word you chose.

You may find yourself drifting into a nap. That’s OK. Don’t fight it. Relax your mind and relax each part of your body. Let all tension melt away. Stay in this space as long as you want to. When you are ready, take a few deep breaths and some long, lazy stretches. Become fully awake. You may want to write in your journal or take a walk. The key is to follow your intuition and do what it guides you to.

Most of us think taking time like this is a luxury we don’t have time for. Know that instead this a necessity to make time for. You are the number one person to take care of you. Do this whenever you realize that it is time to just sit with yourself to recover and recoup.

You are worth taking good care of yourself. Please do—

 

Get your Awaken Your Happiness Journaling Guide at no charge by clicking here: https://www.griefandhappiness.com/pl/2147595767

You can join the Grief and Happiness Alliance which meets weekly on Sundays by clicking here: https://www.griefandhappiness.com/offers/ytK7eLBa

You can order Loving and Living Your Way Through Grief by clicking here at Amazon.

https://www.amazon.com/Loving-Living-Your-Though-Grief/dp/1642504823/ref=tmm_pap_swatch_0?_encoding=UTF8&qid=1658356016&sr=8-1

You can listen to my podcast, Grief and Happiness, here. https://podcasts.apple.com/us/podcast/loving-and-living-your-way-through-grief-with/id1509589686?i=1000535381763