healthy coping mechanisms

Share Some Kindness

by

The thing about kindness is that anyone can be kind to anyone, and everyone involved can feel good because of this. I have a new friend, and she was telling me about a class teaching where she teaches stretching on the beach. That sounded so good to me.  I have always wanted to do yoga, but I haven’t found a class yet that was tolerant of my slow progress. She explained that this class was just stretching, and that she adapts what they do to anyone who comes. I discovered another friend of mine had been going and was thrilled with the results. I decided to do something kind for myself and go to class.

My friend offered to carpool, so off we went. There are so many beaches on Maui, and this class was at one I had been to before.  When we got there, I discovered that there was a whole area beyond where I was familiar with that was beautiful, and that was where the class was held. The class was small, and each of us had a different range of mobility. Mary, our teacher, was delightful and was skilled in adapting each stretch we did to our personal needs. The stretching felt so good. And when the time came that something was too uncomfortable for me, she moved on with no criticism, just support. As I watched my friend stretch, I was amazed at what she could do. She told me that she hadn’t been able to do what she can now when she started the class. Witnessing that, I knew I could make great progress.

When we were finished, my whole body felt good, revitalized. Everyone was smiling and helping each other pack up our belongings. We all walked together to the parking lots and shared friendly conversation. Mary even carried my chair for me. I realized that the joy the class brought me was the kindness we all shared. We all smiled.  We all supported each other. We all were in awe of our beautiful surroundings, and we all felt renewed and refreshed.

This experience caused me to think of the value of kindness in our lives. If everyone committed to kindness, we would all live in peace focusing on the beauty and wonder of our lives. I found myself contemplating ways I could add more kindness into my life by sharing kindness with each person I meet. This week I baked cookies and shared them with friends. I found an ideal place for a friend to live. I hired and assistant who will allow me more time to focus on my work. I attended a drawing class where both teachers were kind in their guidance.

We can easily get wrapped up in what is wrong or difficult in our lives. That’s an easy trap to fall into.  This week as I actively sought out kindness, the kindness multiplied around me. The more kindness I noticed, the more kindness appeared. The more I stretched, the more I smiled, the more I chose to practice kindness, the better I felt.

I encourage you to explore how much kindness there is in your life. I promise, you will feel better in all ways.

 

Get your Awaken Your Happiness Journaling Guide at no charge by clicking here: https://www.griefandhappiness.com/pl/2147595767

You can join the Grief and Happiness Alliance which meets weekly on Sundays by clicking here: https://www.griefandhappiness.com/offers/ytK7eLBa

You can order Loving and Living Your Way Through Grief by clicking here at Amazon.

You can listen to my podcast, Grief and Happiness, here. https://podcasts.apple.com/us/podcast/loving-and-living-your-way-through-grief-with/id1509589686?i=1000535381763

Tender Tears

by

We, individually, as a country, as our world, have so much to grieve right now. Every new tragedy seems to the compound the last one.  We all have a tendency to pay the most attention to what happens closest to us, but the reasons to grieve right now are piling up and are widespread throughout the world. And it’s not just grief. We are also angry, disappointed, frustrated, and even broken.

What can we do? Here are a few things to consider:

  • First, take care of yourself. I live a happy life in a beautiful place surrounded my wonderful people. I focus on the joy that comes from living this way. This helps, yet I still find that I shed tears when I hear about the horrific things going on. Tears are good and necessary to help in processing our feelings.
  • Many people are experiencing challenges. When your friends are affected, the first thing to do is love them and demonstrate that love by the actions that you do. What is one thing you can do right now to make a difference for a friend facing challenges? Start by doing whatever that one thing is.
  • Recognize what won’t work, then don’t spend your time worried about that. If you realize that you can’t change gun laws on your own, instead of bemoaning that, try taking active steps like contacting the people who represent you in the government encouraging them to take action by making new laws.
  • Talk to people you know. Chances are that people you care about are being affected by similar things like their children being afraid to go to school, or maybe there is a family in your neighborhood with political views opposite to most of the neighbors. Whatever the situation is, honest communication with no blaming is a great place to start.

While I continue to be affected by the unconscionable occurrences that are happening, I am also committed to living the best life I can and loving and supporting my friends, the people in my community, my country, and the world.

 

 

You can join the Grief and Happiness Alliance which meets weekly on Sundays by clicking here: https://www.griefandhappiness.com/offers/ytK7eLBa

Download your copy of Awakening Your Happiness journaling guide here.

You can order Loving and Living Your Way Through Grief by clicking here at Amazon.

You can listen to my podcast, Grief and Happiness, here. https://podcasts.apple.com/us/podcast/loving-and-living-your-way-through-grief-with/id1509589686?i=1000535381763

Grateful For All Who Served

by

 

I learned recently to not say that someone “committed” suicide as that indicates a judgment when we can’t know what inspired the person to think that suicide was the answer.  Say instead: died by suicide.  Since I started helping people deal with grief, I can’t tell you how many instances of suicide I have some across.

Writer Nicole Spector says that when we say committed suicide it “puts responsibility on the victim, just as the phrase “committed suicide” suggests an almost criminal intent” (reference below). Suicide doesn’t necessarily indicate mental illness. The person may think that they are doing their loved ones a favor because they see themselves as a failure or because they are depressed.  We will never know for sure.

I was thinking about this on Memorial Day as I read an article in Military Times by Dean Lambert who I had the honor of interviewing for my podcast The Importance of End of Life Planning, April 19, 2022. His article, Can We Honor Deaths by Suicide on Memorial Day? (reference below) He asks if we can honor veterans who die of suicide as the result of the experiences they endured in the service to their country. His words are heartbreaking, and I couldn’t help but cry.

This reminded me of when after Ron died, I made an appointment with my cardiologist because my heart medication didn’t seem to be working. Usually, he was hard to get into because we don’t have enough doctors on this remote island, but he told me to come right in. He explained to me that what I was experiencing what not a medication problem but was PTSD.

I was shocked. I thought I was doing the best I could under the circumstances, but he knew the details of what had been happening with Ron, and he knew I had already experienced so much with Jacques.  Fortunately, with his help, I was able to take the best care of me and find the work I am doing now to help others which has been helpful to me at the same time.

I know how bad I felt at that time, I was devastated.  And when I read Dean’s story of his son, I was able to relate. So many veterans come back from serving in unimaginable situations, and they may feel they have to be strong for their loved ones while their lives have been permanently changed.  I want you to read Dean’s article. His message is so important. 

What is tragic now, but is something we can work toward improving, is that veterans who die by suicide are not honored in the same way other veterans are. As Dean says, “By correlating a veteran’s suicide death to combat-related PTSD, granting military death benefits could bring a measure of comfort and a great deal of closure for survivors. Military dependents might be eligible to receive income, financial support for childcare, health insurance, and other VA benefits.”

I lived in a small California town during the Vietnam War. Our town had the highest deaths from that war per capita of any place in the nation.  I saw classmates and friends who did come back who were totally broken. We all see homeless veterans on the streets who have not been able to adapt back into society. We owe it to all veterans to be sure they have the best of care and benefits for their whole lives for what they have done for us.  We tend to take this service for granted and way too many people only offer judgement.

In answer to Dean’s question, Can We Honor Deaths by Suicide on Memorial Day? I say yes, absolutely, without question. We must offer them our deepest gratitude.

 

 

Why mental health advocates use the words ‘died by suicide’

https://www.nbcnews.com/better/health/why-mental-health-advocates-use-words-died-suicide-ncna880546

 

Can We Honor Deaths by Suicide on Memorial Day?

https://www.militarytimes.com/opinion/commentary/2022/05/26/can-we-honor-deaths-by-suicide-on-memorial-day/

 

The Love Always Project

https://www.lovealwaysproject.org

 

The Importance of End of Life Planning

https://shows.acast.com/grief-happiness/episodes/the-importance-of-end-of-life-planning-with-dean-lambert 

 

 

 

You can join the Grief and Happiness Alliance which meets weekly on Sundays by clicking here: https://www.griefandhappiness.com/offers/ytK7eLBa

You can order Loving and Living Your Way Through Grief by clicking here at Amazon.

You can listen to my podcast, Grief and Happiness, here. https://podcasts.apple.com/us/podcast/loving-and-living-your-way-through-grief-with/id1509589686?i=1000535381763

I would be happy to put you on the reminder list for or Writing Together Through Grief occurring on Saturdays each week by sending an email to me to emily@lovingandlivingyourwaythroughgrief.com and giving me your email address.

Join my Facebook group here.

 

 

 

Everything is a Miracle

by

Do you recognize when miracles occur in your life? I hadn’t considered this before, but once I started noticing miracles, I started noticing how I have experienced so many miracles though-out my life.

Miracles can be huge, and they also can be very small. You may not have thought about this before, but chances are you are experiencing miracles too, and you have been all along but may not have been aware when they happened. As I look back, I remember the miracle of getting accepted at the last minute to San Diego State University. I see this as a miracle because I had a major health challenge in high school and was barely able to graduate with a grade point average that normally wouldn’t have qualified.

My husband and I bought our first house together in 2009 at a great price because of the financial crisis in our country. A year later, my elderly mother-in-law needed to move in with us, and our home was comfortable for just two people. We decided to sell it and buy another. Our real estate agent warned us we would be losing money because of the financial crisis.  We sold the house that we had only owned for a year at a significant profit a week after we listed it, and we bought another, much bigger home in a wonderful location for $200,000 lest than it was listed for. I know we were blessed with this miracle because we welcomed my mother-in-law to live with us.

Recently when I was driving on a divided highway, a truck crossed the center divider headed directly headed at the driver’s door at high speed. When I saw him coming toward me, I closed my eyes thinking there was no way I could survive this. I heard and felt the thump as he hit my car. I was shocked when I opened my eyes and saw that my car was not destroyed, only three thousand dollars’ worth of damage that his insurance covered. And he didn’t hit anyone else as he continued speeding head on into traffic until he could pull off to the side of the road. The witnesses were shocked that the driver, my son, and I weren’t killed. I know this was a miracle.

Just last week in the middle of the night we were experiencing a big windstorm. We have power lines that go across our property and into the tree of my friend’s house across the road. The wind snapped the power lines which set the trees on fire as the wires dropped to the ground. This could have been a catastrophe. Instead, our homes didn’t catch on fire, no one was injured, and the power company came out the next day and did a nice trimming on what was left of the trees. Everyone affected by this are so grateful for this miracle.

Beyond the many big miracles I experience, I experience little miracles every day. I almost always get right to the front of any line I am in, and I always find parking places easily.  I also get where I am going at the time that I plan to.  Every day I now notice the miracles I experience, and I am grateful.

The title of this blog is a quote by Albert Einstein: “Everything is a Miracle.”

Notice and enjoy all your miracles!

Everything is a Miracle

 

 

You can join the Grief and Happiness Alliance which meets weekly on Sundays by clicking here: https://www.griefandhappiness.com/offers/ytK7eLBa

You can order Loving and Living Your Way Through Grief by clicking here at Amazon.

You can listen to my podcast, Grief and Happiness, here. https://podcasts.apple.com/us/podcast/loving-and-living-your-way-through-grief-with/id1509589686?i=1000535381763

I would be happy to put you on the reminder list for or Writing Together Through Grief occurring on Saturdays each week by sending an email to me to emily@lovingandlivingyourwaythroughgrief.com and giving me your email address.

Join my Facebook group here.

Your Relationship With Money

by

When dealing with the transition of a loved one, especially someone you had money in common with, finances can be a challenge.  For me this came up with both of my husbands, and also my Mother and my Aunt who I had conservatorship of. With my husbands there was much I had to do with bank accounts, credit cards, investments, medical expenses, taxes, and funeral expenses.

Fortunately, I had shared all of our financial matters with my husbands. Unfortunately, I didn’t have the opportunity to know about my mother’s or my aunt’s finances. My mother and my aunt both were diagnosed with inoperable brain tumors. I didn’t see this coming in either case, so I didn’t get to ask them what they wanted me to do with their finances before it was too late.

What helped me the most was my relationship with money. Much of my life money caused anxiety for me for a variety of reasons. I knew I could do better.  A friend recommended the Book The Soul of Money by Lynn Twist to me.  Reading that book allowed me to change my whole perspective on money so that I haven’t stressed about it since, and I have more money and donate more money than I ever thought possible. I highly recommend you read this book too.

Lynn Twist was the fund-raiser for the World Hunger Project and is the co-founder for the Pachamama Alliance which empowers indigenous people of the Amazon rainforest to preserves their land and culture. She has a rich background in service to others and working internationally with people from Mother Teresa to corporate executives. She developed her own philosophy on what money is and believes it is a gift she has been given to pass on to others, and she does just that.

This is Lynn’s description of her Book: “This book is about living consciously, fully, and joyfully in our relationship with money, and learning to understand and embrace its flow. This is your opportunity to embark on a rare journey, one that aligns money and soul, to transform your life.”

I feel so strongly about this book and the invaluable lessons I learned which totally changed my relationship with money. I now love money, I love what it can facilitate, I love being generous and philanthropic, and I have no financial worries anymore.  Of course, I had to do much more than just read the book, but the book helped me transform my thinking about money forever.

And I feel so strongly about this that I will send the book to the first five people who email to tell me they would like a copy. I love to pay it forward by sharing this book.

And if you have read it, please let me know and tell me how it affected you!

 

You can join the Grief and Happiness Alliance which meets weekly on Sundays by clicking here: https://www.griefandhappiness.com/offers/ytK7eLBa

You can order Loving and Living Your Way Through Grief by clicking here at Amazon.

You can listen to my podcast, Grief and Happiness, here. https://podcasts.apple.com/us/podcast/loving-and-living-your-way-through-grief-with/id1509589686?i=1000535381763

I would be happy to put you on the reminder list for or Writing Together Through Grief occurring on Saturdays each week by sending an email to me to emily@lovingandlivingyourwaythroughgrief.com and giving me your email address.

Join my Facebook group here.

Suppressing Grief

by

 

How are you feeling right now in this very moment about the grief you are experiencing?

Think about it.  Are you overwhelmed? Sad? Lonely? Confused? Angry? Everyone experiencing grief experiences all these feelings along the way. Some of us ignore them. Some of us get swallowed up in them. Some of us have a hard time getting past them.

The good news is a dealing with a multitude of feelings is part of the process. Know that allowing any of these feelings to take over your life does not serve you. I can just hear you thinking, “That’s easy for you to say.” The truth is, I have felt all these feelings and many more in dealing with grief, and I discovered how to deal with them.

First, you can best deal with one feeling at a time.  If you find that you are balancing several feelings and that seems like spinning plates, that leads to more stress.  If this is where you are, get out your journal and make a list of all the feelings you are dealing with. Try not completing that list all at once. Rather take a couple of days and add things as they come to mind.

The author Byron Katie helped me with this by sharing her system called The Work. Once you have your list, go through the list and ask about each feeling one at a time:

  1. Is this true?
  2. Can you absolutely know it is true?
  3. How do you react – what happens- when you believe that this feeling is true?
  4. Who would you be without that thought?

After you answer those questions, Byron Katie suggests that you “Turn the Thought Around.”

She says, “The turnaround gives you an opportunity to experience the opposite of what you believe.”

Let’s try The Work with a feeling. Are you feeling lonely?

Your answers could be something like this:

  1. Is this true? I realize that I am alone most of the time, and I realize that people are sending loving support to me even when I am not with them. And I realize that I can invite people to spend time with me in person or I can participate in activities where other people are, so I don’t have to be alone.
  2. Can you absolutely know this is true? I realize that I don’t have to be lonely. That I can. Make the difference by reaching out.
  3. How do I react? When I believe the feeling of loneliness is true, I am lonely.
  4. Who would I be without this thought? When I release the feeling of my loneliness being true, I am able to connect with people in my life so that I am not lonely

My turnaround:

I choose to be present with people I want to be with when I would like to have friendship and company.

 

I feel better already just by doing this exercise! And I realize that by giving in to all those feelings that don’t serve me, I am suppressing my grief.  When we suppress grief, it doesn’t go away.  Rather it can lurk in our sadness, growing and needing to be released.  By paying attention to my feelings and letting go of anything that doesn’t serve me, I make room for comfort, love, happiness, help, friends, and so much more.

I release and let go of anything that doesn’t serve me.  And you can too!

You will feel so much better!

 

 

You can join the Grief and Happiness Alliance which meets weekly on Sundays by clicking here: https://www.griefandhappiness.com/offers/ytK7eLBa

You can order Loving and Living Your Way Through Grief by clicking here at Amazon.

You can listen to my podcast, Grief and Happiness, here. https://podcasts.apple.com/us/podcast/loving-and-living-your-way-through-grief-with/id1509589686?i=1000535381763

I would be happy to put you on the reminder list for or Writing Together Through Grief occurring on Saturdays each week by sending an email to me to emily@lovingandlivingyourwaythroughgrief.com and giving me your email address.

Join my Facebook group here.