healthy coping mechanisms

Bereaved Mother’s Day

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I wrote an open letter to Moms who have had pregnancy losses, stillborn babies, and infants and young children who died.  I am sharing this letter with you today in case you are in this special sisterhood of moms, or if you know someone who is. Please share this message for any mom you know will be dealing with this loss on this and every Mother’s Day.

When we first start to think about having a baby, we picture the perfect little bundle we love to hold and rock. We prepare by learning everything we can about taking care of ourselves while pregnant and taking care of our precious baby when it arrives. We are not likely to be thinking that our experience will be less than perfect, but so often everything does not turn out the way we expected.

Something we don’t often think about is that the process of becoming a mother requires being brave. From the moment you become pregnant, and even before that if you are trying to get pregnant, you start showing signs of bravery like showing the strength you have to go through the physical process of being pregnant and having a baby, and to deal with all the emotions that come along with that. You have the courage to deal with changes in your body, in your relationships, and your finances. You have the strength to evolve into the mother you always wanted to be.  And you are devastated when things don’t turn out the way you planned. The good news is that when this happens, ultimately you will gain strength from dealing with your loss. I discovered writing about my baby was a great comfort to me when I needed it the most.

So it is the fall of 1969. After two years as an infertility patient, I am finally pregnant. I am so excited to tell my parents who had two granddaughters and were hoping that I would have a son. Mom and I had never talked much, but we do talk about this baby. She teaches me how to crochet, and the first thing I make is a baby blanket. My husband was pleased that we had finally succeeded, and the baby is on the way.

Then, I started bleeding. My doctor put me on bedrest and I strictly obeyed his instructions knowing I would do anything for this precious baby.  I was in bed for a month, except for going to his office once a week to get a shot of something that was supposed to help my situation.  Then one night, I knew that my time with this pregnancy was up and we went to the hospital. I didn’t really understand what was happening when it did, and when I asked, they just said I wasn’t pregnant anymore. I asked to see the baby, and they wouldn’t let me. I asked if it was a boy or a girl, and they told me not to worry about that. I asked them what would happen to the baby now, and they wouldn’t tell me that either. I had lost so much blood that kept me in the hospital for a couple of days to build my strength. All the while, I was having nightmares about where my baby had been taken and why they wouldn’t let me see him. I just knew he was a boy. This was so long ago, and at that time, they thought keeping information from the mother was best for her.  Of course, we know now that it is not.

When I returned home, my husband stayed away, not talking to me about what had happened. I was sure he was disappointed in me because I had lost the baby. I had never heard of anyone having a miscarriage before, so I thought there must be something very wrong with me. I had no one to talk to, so I started writing to Matthew, my name for my baby.  The more I wrote to him, the better I felt. I realized that I hadn’t done anything wrong, and I hadn’t failed. My Matthew became my guardian angel.  I found comfort in my silent conversations with him, and I found my strength again. And eventually, I became pregnant again.  I knew this time that I would have a boy and that somehow Matthew knew him.  Later I had another baby, a girl this time. In the many moves I have had since then, that journal I wrote in disappeared, but I have continued throughout my life having my silent conversations with Matthew.

When we experience something as traumatic as the loss of a pregnancy, a baby, or a child, we often feel helpless with such a variety of feelings to deal with. If we choose to ignore those feelings and try to go on like nothing happened, we are likely to keep feeling worse, yet we may be afraid to deal with what has happened. To move forward in our lives, finding comfort after our loss is essential. Instead of hiding your feelings, try writing about them. You will discover that the more you write, the easier it is to deal with those feelings.

So now let me help you get started writing. No matter how recent your loss, now is the time to get a special journal just for writing about it. Write from the perspective as the mother you are. I am going to give you a list of things to write about to get you started. I have these questions on a handout for you, so for now, just listen to the ideas. Then we will take about 10 minutes to write about that one item.

 

  1. Write about how you felt when you discovered you were going to be a mom. Include all the details, positive and negative. What were your plans, your hopes, and dreams?  What were you doing to get ready? What kind of life were your planning for your child?
  2. Write about the experience of your loss. Include all the details. What happened? How did you handle it? Who was there for you?I know that recalling all this is hard, and it is painful.  Write about it anyway.  What happens is that when you keep all this experience in your mind, you can almost torture yourself with it, like I did when I didn’t know what happened with my baby. When you write out your experience, the process starts for you to be able to deal better with your loss.  You may need to write the experience several times in different ways focusing on different aspects of your loss. The more you write, the less you will have to write. Compare this to washing clothes.  They can start out very dirty, but the more you wash them, the cleaner and brighter they become.
  3. Write about things you would have loved to experience with your baby and follow through with this as time goes by exploring everything about your child.
  4. Write what you will tell other children you have about this baby they didn’t get to meet. Talk to them about the beauty of unconditional love that you share with all your children.
  5. Write on holidays and special days like when school would start. Talk to them about how they would like to dress up for Halloween or what they would love to get in their stockings for Christmas.
  6. Write about what activities they would enjoy growing up from sports to clubs, to art they would like to create.
  7. What would their experience as a teenager be? What college would they like to go to. What career would they like to have?
  8. Write them every birthday and every Mother’s Day. Those days are especially likely to bring up thoughts and feelings.

Matthew was due on Labor Day and would have turned 50 last Fall. I am grateful I have had him with me through our silent conversations throughout my life.

Let me finish by recalling one of my journal entries to him. You can see from this that over time, the thoughts your write of how life would have been with that child can bring your smiles instead of pain.

Dear Matthew,

It’s Labor Day and today would have been your eighth birthday. We are having our friends over to have a bar-b-q.  How you would have loved hamburgers and potato salad. I made a big, luscious chocolate cake with homemade vanilla ice cream, which I know would have been your favorite. I would love to have given you an easel and a whole set of paint since I know you love to create things. Your brother and sister would have loved to celebrate with you. You hold such a special place in my heart. I will always carry you there.

Love,

Momma

 

Now start your own journey with your child. Write all about everything you can think of related to your loss. And keep writing until you know that you don’t need to anymore.

 

I would be happy to put you on the reminder list for or Writing Together Through Grief occurring on Saturdays each week by sending an email to me to emily@lovingandlivingyourwaythroughgrief.com and giving me your email address.

You can order Loving and Living Your Way Through Grief  by clicking here at Amazon.

Growing What is Good

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I started a Produce Share with neighbors when we first moved to Maui because we had such an abundance of fruit on our property, and I didn’t want it to go to waste. Every Friday, people would stop by and bring what they had to spare from their gardens, and we would share, no money exchanged.  Sometimes we even made jam or banana bread to share. And I found a way to share all the papayas, lilikoi, bananas, and avocados I had.

When the pandemic hit, the grocery shelves became bare.  Since Hawaii is said to be the most remote place in the world, we heavily rely on barges to bring in food from the mainland and other countries.  I thought of the Victory Gardens people planted during World Wars I and II where people grew and shared what they could from their gardens to be sure their families and friends had enough food to eat.

Since our produce share is still going after five years, I decided to expand my garden to have even more to share. I hired a gardener to put in some irrigation for me so as not to waste water, a precious commodity on an island.  He turned out to be an expert in in permaculture gardening, so I asked him to put in a huge garden to provide lots more food to share.  He used lemon grass and comfrey to make a beautiful border and keep the grass from the lawn from growing into the garden.

My new garden has gotten so big that I now have a lovely young woman who helps me keep it up with weeding and planting.  Yesterday she surprised me with a giant bunch of carrots she had pulled. I was surprised because I didn’t know they were there! Last spring before my big new garden was planted, I bought a package of carrot seeds and planted them, watered them, weeded around them, pulled them from the ground, shared them, and ate them.  I didn’t realize that I had left some of them in the ground.

Then one day I noticed one day that I was growing pretty white flowers in my vegetable garden.  At the top of tall green stems sat balls of little white flowers clustered together in the shape of pom-poms.  Upon investigation, I discovered a few giant carrots shouldering up from the ground attached to these flowers.  I had never seen carrot flowers before. My gardener told me to cut them, put them in a paper bag, and let them dry out.  When they were dry, I shook the stems, and a lot of tiny black seeds popped out, so I planted them.

I planted those carrot seeds next to the lemon grass, not understanding how large it would become.  When the distinctive carrot tops grew, they were hidden in the tall lemon grass, so when my garden helper discovered them yesterday, we were delighted! Precious food from the garden tastes the best!

My carrots seemed a metaphor for the cycle of life. We are born from tiny seeds which are nurtured as they grow. They provide food, beauty, and more tiny seeds to start the cycle again. We all grow through our own cycles, and on our way, the more we grow and share, the happier we are. Ultimately, our sharing is complete, and we have the opportunity to revert back to the soil and create more new food and beauty.

I am grateful I have so much beauty and bounty to share which makes my life just that much richer. What bounty do you share?

 

I would be happy to put you on the reminder list for or Writing Together Through Grief occurring on Saturdays each week by sending an email to me to emily@lovingandlivingyourwaythroughgrief.com and giving me your email address.

You can order Loving and Living Your Way Through Grief  by clicking here at Amazon.

Taking Care of Yourself

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I had a good friend who was there for me years ago when I was struggling with my grief.  My parents had died, and I had such a big hole in my life. My Dad died first, suddenly, and I had so much to do with helping mom deal with all that needed to be done, and I had a family to take care of, and two jobs. What that all led to for me was blocking my dealing with my own grief. My mom lived a few more years.  I had so much to do for her. I ended up bringing her to live with me which was challenging because of the effects of the brain tumor she had. For the last few months of her life, she finally consented to have someone stay with her around the clock at her home. She lived an hour away from me, so there were many hours of driving. And after she died, she left so much for me to take care of.

I simply didn’t have time to grieve, so I tucked my grief away where it seemed to grow and fester.  At that time, I had a close friend. He knew my mom, and he had dealt with the death of his mother years before. He was safe. I didn’t have to put on my public front that I had been using for work and my other activities. I didn’t have to be strong like I felt I needed to be for my children and my husband who were all close to mom and relied on me to support them through their grief. He was just there with no demands or expectations of me.

I could tell him anything about what I was experiencing, and I knew he wouldn’t judge me. He just listened to me as I felt sorry for myself or got frustrated with the situation. And he didn’t tell me what I needed to do. I really didn’t want advice. I just wanted to talk.

There were also times when I didn’t want to talk, and he was OK with that. He didn’t make me feel guilty about what I was or wasn’t doing. I know that he couldn’t “make me” feel anything, but having others have expectations of me was a challenge.  I only took one day off from my teaching job when mom died, and one day off for her funeral. Even though I worked full time, I was not entitled to bereavement leave. I was expected to continue working at the same level without anyone even noticing how hard that was, how fragile I felt.

When he noticed that I wasn’t eating, he’d bring me food.  He didn’t ask me if I wanted something to eat, he just brought me familiar foods and he would eat with me knowing that I probably wouldn’t eat if he wasn’t there.  He also noticed when something needed fixing and just fixed it without me asking him to. His kindness allowed me to breathe when I felt under great pressure.

I have been asked about self-care, what that actually means for grieving. In answering that question, I reflected on my friend.  Caring for myself, I followed his example which would be a good start for you doing your own self-care. First, I didn’t put pressure on myself. I didn’t have to live up to anyone else’s expectations.  When I didn’t want to be around people, I chose to stay at home and read, watch a movie, or take a bubble bath. When I did want to go someplace, I would ask a friend to go with me which provided a buffer or escape if something came up that I didn’t want to face at the moment.

If I wanted to talk to someone, I would make a phone call. And if I didn’t want to talk to someone but needed to vent or deal with feelings, I got our my journal and write until I didn’t need to write anymore.

I would remember that I needed to eat, and I would make wise choices about which food would serve me best. I did, however, stop by the bakery that was close to campus for a maple bar and milk when I went in at early hours.  Treating myself occasionally to something special felt good, and I would smile. And I would notice when something needed to be done and take care of it. This felt good, too, knowing that I was capable of taking good care of myself.

I also started working on my smile. I realized that I didn’t have to have someone there to smile at.  I could smile just for me, and when I did smile, I felt better. I would practice smiling in the mirror, or I would find something funny to read or watch on television. Smiling seemed to release something inside of me that allowed me to feel good.

I encourage you to think about someone special who has taken care of you. Or think of a friend who was there right when you needed. Think also about any kindnesses people have done for you. Write these things in your journal, then when you are ready for some self-care, do these things for you. Pamper yourself. Wrap yourself up in your own love. Remember how special you are. And live your best life. This is the greatest self-care.

 

I would be happy to put you on the reminder list for or Writing Together Through Grief occurring on Saturdays each week by sending an email to me to emily@lovingandlivingyourwaythroughgrief.com and giving me your email address.

You can order Loving and Living Your Way Through Grief  by clicking here at Amazon.

Are You Dealing With Fear?

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“There are only two emotions: love and fear.”

Elisabeth Kubler-Ross

Throughout time, many philosophers and psychiatrists have said that the only two emotions are love and fear. There is even scientific research agreeing with that theory.  Kathleen Seeley told me that we are only born with two fears: fear of falling and a fear of loud noises.  Those two fears are part of what comes naturally to us to protect us. Any other fears are what we create or imagine.

I grew up with a terrifying fear of heights.  I convinced myself that the fear had been created by a fall I had out of a second story window when I was four years old. Even though I was that young, I still have vivid memories. I was criticized and made fun of because of my fear, and I even had a friend try to cure me by walking me to the edge of a balcony to show me that I had nothing to be afraid of.  It didn’t work.

I have worn glasses much of my life partially for a significant astigmatism so when I heard that Lasik eye surgery could fix that, I was thrilled to have it done. The surgery is done under local anesthetic, so when it was completed, I got up off the operating and had a miraculous experience.  Suddenly, the floor was where it was supposed to be.  I am sure that sounds strange, but I realized all my life I had been seeing though something like glasses with funhouse lenses causing me to perceive each step I took as stepping over the edge of a sharply bent floor.  At that moment I realized that my fear was not real. This caused me to look at my life differently, and to question when I started to feel fear.

I suggest that you think about anything that you feel afraid about and see if you can figure out what causes that fear and if it is something you can release. This can change your life.  I had the pleasure of attending a day long workshop with Byron Katie.  She taught us all how to do what she calls The Work. She developed this powerful method of questioning what you are feeling or believing that can be transformational for you.  Her questions are:

  1. Is it true? (Yes or no? If no, move to 3.)
  2. Can you absolutely know that it’s true? (Yes or no.)
  3. How do you react, what happens, when you believe that thought?
  4. Who or what would you be without the thought?”

You can find exactly how to do The Work by visiting her website: https://thework.com/

Fear is common in grief. A few things you might fear are:

  • Living by yourself for the first time.
  • Being responsible for taking care of your home, your car
  • Going out socially alone
  • Have no one to sleep with at night
  • A concern for having enough money or losing your medical insurance
  • Having no one to share your life with

You may not have even thought about these things in the context of fear, yet this is all fear. And the good news is, you can do something to change how you are feeling.  A good start would be to use Byron Katie’s The Work.  Or you can start by writing in your journal all the things that you are afraid of now, and what you can consciously release just by discovering that you have that fear.

In my case, after Ron died, I started reviewing how my life was different.  I was relieved to discover how grateful I was that I had learned how to release fear from Ron and Byron Katie, and that I am choosing to live in a state of love instead of in a state of fear. A quote I love by Jack Canfield is: “Feel the fear and take action anyway.”

And I love this quote from Rumi:

“If you want the moon, do not hide from the night. If you want a rose, do not run from the thorns. If you want love, do not hide from yourself.”

What is the Ideal Way to Deal With Grief?

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Here is the dilemma.   There is no ideal way to grieve.  Each grief is as individual as each fingerprint.  How you grieve depends on lots of different considerations:

  1. How long did you know who you are grieving for?
  2. How close were you to this person?
  3. What are your personal feelings about death?
  4. What do you think happens after death?
  5. What new responsibilities do have because of this death?
  6. Is your income affected?
  7. Are you relieved?
  8. Are you devastated?
  9. Are you alone?
  10. Are you angry?

I could go on and on with this list.  What is most important, though, is how you feel right now and what you are willing or able to do. I have heard that following Elisabeth Kubler Ross’s Five Stages of Grief is the best way to deal with grief, so let me put that idea to rest.  To start off with, she wrote those stages about dying, not grieving.  While you may be able to apply some, or maybe all the stages of denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and acceptance to your grief, chances are most of them won’t apply to you, and if they do, there are lots of other stages people have suggested like shock, disbelief, pain, and hope to name a few.

Does having a list to check off really help? I don’t think so. The best way to deal with your grief is to pay attention to what you are experiencing and act on that. For instance, the main feeling some people experience is loneliness. If you were accustomed to spending most of your time with your loved one who died, chances are, you may be having a hard time figuring out what to do now. If this is your case, what could you do to help with your loneliness?  I found that getting together with others who were also dealing with loss to write about what we were experiencing helped me a lot, as it did the other members of the group. Or you may prefer to spend time with people who aren’t dealing with loss so you can focus on something different.

If binge watching Netflix allows you some escape for a while helps, do that, and don’t judge yourself for doing it. Just be sure to come up for air sometimes and do something different. Discover what brings you some joy. Is it calling or Zooming with grandchildren? Or maybe you want to hear from an old friend.  Instead of waiting for that person to contact you, reach out. I just had a wonderful conversation on the phone with a friend who I hadn’t talked to in ten years. When we hung up, we both were smiling and have stayed in touch since.

The key here is not to judge yourself in relation to how others are dealing with their grief. Rather, find the ways to deal with your grief that suit you the best. Think about what you want to do, about what could help you feel better. Then do it, whatever it is. One thing that helps me is to walk on the beach.  I also love to garden and write. Discover something that you feel good doing and that you look forward to doing again, then do it. Just take good care of yourself, please. You are worth it!

 

I would be happy to put you on the reminder list for or Writing Together Through Grief occurring on Saturdays each week by sending an email to me to emily@lovingandlivingyourwaythroughgrief.com and giving me your email address.

You can order Loving and Living Your Way Through Grief  by clicking here at Amazon.

Doodling Your Grief

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I can just hear you say, what does doodling have to do with grief? Think about it, what have you doodled in your life? I remember in junior high school the days seemed interminable. In my class notes, you could find a countdown for the number of minutes left in class, or you’d find my first named followed by the last name of whichever boy I had a crush on in the moment.  I would try out all the different styles of writing of what I dreamed my name would be.  So, again, what does that have to do with grief.

When I did my countdowns or my possible names, that was all I was focusing on.  I escaped into my doodles and away from the drone of the teacher I couldn’t bear to continue listing to.  Doodling when grieving can have the same effect. You can clear your thoughts and focus on the colors and shapes you choose as well as focusing on the movement of your hand.  Even if you think you can’t draw, everyone can doodle. I took a ceramics class from the wonderful ceramic artist Patricia Griffin, and she showed us how we could doodle on clay.  The picture at the top of this page is a ceramic bowl I made and doodled on.  And here is a picture of a cheese board I created in Patricia’s Iclass. You can look up on Google and see the beautiful work she does.

I like to start by drawing shapes on a piece of paper and then dividing up the shapes. Then I fill them in with more shapes and then colors.  The first picture here shows how I first sketch what I am going to doodle around with a pencil. Then I cover the pencil marks with a very fine rolling ball black pen; then I erase the pencil marks. I fill in what I outlined with colored pencils.  Of course, with doodling, you can do it any way you want to! You can also Google Zentangle and see all the images there. There are so many!

The key here is not how you do it. Rather, the key is to do it.  Get lost in your colors and lines. Relax, have fun, and totally forget about anything else as you do it.  Make it a form of meditation for you. Doodling has also been used for helping people deal with cancer and helping children deal with health issues.

I would love for you to find as many different ways as you can to deal with the different aspects of grieving. If you have found other creative ways to deal with grief, please share them with us in the comments below. We are all in this together, and we can all help each other out!

I would be happy to put you on the reminder list for or Writing Together Through Grief occurring on Saturdays each week by sending an email to me to emily@lovingandlivingyourwaythroughgrief.com and giving me your email address.

You can order Loving and Living Your Way Through Grief  by clicking here at Amazon.