healthy coping mechanisms

Will it Ever End?

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I saw on the news last night about another mass shooting. They showed a picture of each of the ten victims and shared who they were. I found myself teary, which led to actually crying. I didn’t know any of these people and I’ve only been to Colorado once, so I asked myself why this affected me this way?   And I realized that I was dealing with compounding grief.

This shooting brought back memories of way too many more mass shootings. I even knew a victim of once of these incidents.  Fortunately, she didn’t die, but her being hurt reminded me that this could happen to anyone anytime.  They not only happen in in clubs, in theatres, and at concerts, but also at school and even church.  A mass school shooting happened in the 70’s in San Diego at a school close to where we lived.  My children were walking to school with a helicopter flying low over them, and when they got in their classrooms, the doors were locked. Another shooting happened when they were in junior high school and a shooter was shooting into classrooms from a park across the street. Fortunately, in that instance, no one was hurt.

As I considered my reaction last night, I recognized that I don’t fear mass shootings.  There is no way we can know when something like this will happen, and fear wouldn’t change or help anything. What does happen with me is memories of my loved ones who have died.  I am reminded of all I will never experience again with all these people.  No more conversations, no more hugs, no more celebrations. My heart aches for those who loved these current victims thinking about all they will miss now. This I am sure is what brought the tears.

Tragedies like these happen as a part of life. If guns weren’t available, people who want to create this mayhem will find another way. Dwelling on these heart wrenching events does not serve us. Instead, we can use devastating events like this as an inspiration to live our best lives now when we can. Focus on each moment, sharing love and giving support to people we love every chance we get. Recognize all the love and beauty you have in your life right now and do whatever you can to multiply that. Don’t leave things unsaid that can lead to regret later. And include yourself in all that love. You are precious and special and deserve great experiences. Make them happen.

And instead of focusing on the sorrow you hold about the people you have lost, focus on the love you shared. Remember all the good things and know they will always be in your heart. When things happen that appear to be negative, always search for the bright side and actively do something that will make you and the loved ones you are surrounded by now feel all that love you are sending out. And remember to graciously receive that love they are reflecting to you.

 

 

I would be happy to put you on the reminder list for or Writing Together Through Grief occurring on Saturdays each week by sending an email to me to emily@lovingandlivingyourwaythroughgrief.com and giving me your email address.

You can order Loving and Living Your Way Through Grief  by clicking here at Amazon.

Busy-ness

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Last week I hit a wall. I have been working all day long every day on doing things to market my book, and one day I just couldn’t think of one more thing to do.  I knew that wasn’t true, but I still felt that way.  My intention is for my book to become a best seller so that it can bring comfort, support, love, and joy to all who read it. And we all have been dealing with grief and loss on some level, so I want to get the message of my book out to everyone who can use it.

My publisher has an excellent marketing team, and I know they are doing a lot.  I appreciate that, and I also know I can do more.  Every podcast I am on, each opportunity I have to speak, each time I am interviewed on the radio, I reach more people.  All the social media I do also reaches many people. And all of this keeps me very busy.

As I was thinking about all this, I realized that what is missing is time for me. In focusing all my energy in one direction, wasn’t taking care of myself.  When this hit me, I decided that I would not continue this behavior, and I started thinking about what I do. I made some new commitments just for me.

I will now longer work on weekends. Last weekend was wonderful! I taught my Writing Through Grief online class, which isn’t work for me.  I consider it part of my creative time. The rain stopped for a while, so I sat outside and enjoyed the fresh air. I took a bubble bath. I read a book. I drew a picture of some spring daffodils. I meditated longer. And I fixed dinner. And on Monday morning, I felt great and had lots of positive energy to start my week.

Giving up my busy-ness has already made a big difference for me. Are you always busy? What ways can you find more time to take care of you? Focus on how special and beautiful you are. Give yourself some love. Make yourself your number one priority! You will be so glad you did.

 

You can order Loving and Living Your Way Through Grief  by clicking here at Amazon.

I would be happy to put you on the reminder list for or Writing Together Through Grief occurring on Saturdays each week by sending an email to me to emily@lovingandlivingyourwaythroughgrief.com and giving me your email address.

Serendipity

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I am featured on a podcast created by Paul Samuel Dolman called What Matters Most. I became acquainted with Paul by an amazing journey of coincidences.  Two years ago, I traveled from Maui to Los Angeles to do a presentation at Soul Sisters Retreat, one of my very favorite places to go.  When I got to LAX, a giant-sized airport, I waited what seemed forever for my bus to arrive to take me to my rental car.  I had booked through a small rental company, and I became concerned that maybe they didn’t have a bus as the large busses from the large companies whizzed by. Finally, a small bus drove up and when I boarded, there were only two others in the bus. I couldn’t help but hear their conversation, and one voice sounded very familiar.

I heard Kate’s unmistakable Tennessee accent, and sure enough, it was Kate! Kate and I had been business partners years before she moved back to Tennessee.  She was surprised to see me, too! She introduced me to her friend Leisa as an author from Maui. Leisa said she had a friend who was an author from Maui also, Paul Dolman.  And Kate explained to me that the only reason they were on that bus was that their flight from Tennessee had been delayed for 8 hours making our chance meeting possible.

When I got to my room, I decided to look Paul up on Facebook to see who he was.  We had one mutual friend, and that friend was my agent Meriflor, in Toronto!  I emailed Meriflor and she said that Paul is a wonderful person and that when my book came out, she would contact him to do an interview with me. Unpacking, I picked up the book I was reading, Hitchhiking with Larry David, and the author was Paul Dolman, who also wrote the last book I read, Seven Crazy Days on Maui.  In that book he mentioned people and places I knew on Maui.

My book, Loving and Living Your Way Through Grief, was published in January, and as promised, Meriflor contacted Paul to interview.  Paul let me know that he was pretty booked up so that it would probably be a while before he could get me on his podcast, and he asked me to send him a copy of my book.  A week later he emailed me and asked if we could talk right then, so we Skyped. He had read the book just as the country was reeling from over 500.000 deaths from the pandemic. Paul said that the information in the book was so valuable that he wanted to get the word out about it immediately, so we recorded the podcast right then!

That podcast was released today on What Matters Most.  You can listen to it by clicking here.

I would love to hear what you think about it.

 

Losing a Loved One Before Death

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Mom drove from her house an hour away to be with us on Thanksgiving. We had a pleasant weekend and even went shopping because she wanted to buy an electric blanket. She got so cold at night.  She drove herself home Sunday evening. On Tuesday I got a call from the business I owned that was on the same property as mom’s house. She always played Bridge on Tuesday mornings with the same three friends she had since they were all newlyweds. Her friends had called the company when she didn’t show up for Bridge. My staff checked on her and found her on the floor by her bed. She was alive but had fallen Sunday evening when she was trying to put the blanket on her bed. She was disoriented and dehydrated, so they took her to the hospital.

I drove up to the hospital right away.  The doctors said they didn’t know exactly what was wrong with her, but she needed not to be alone when they discharged her a two days later.  I stayed with her for a couple of weeks while she was seeing her doctor and having tests, then took her home with me. I called the doctor’s office because we had been waiting weeks for results.   The nurse said the doctor had been busy, but I insisted on speaking to him. It turned out he was getting into his car to leave on vacation, but he took my call. He told me she had a brain tumor, it wasn’t cancer, it was inoperable, and he couldn’t talk to her until after his vacation.

My mother watched me on the phone with him and asked what he said, so I told her.  We held each other and cried. After that, I was amazed at what happened.  My dad had died a few years before, and she stopped smiling.  After I told her this news, she started to smile again. She was happy that she didn’t have to live without him anymore. She lived eight more months.

Observing the changes in her mental state was challenging and fascinating at the same time. Sometimes she was there mentally, and sometimes she wasn’t. She ranged from carrying on conversations with me to having conversations out loud with people who had been gone for years, not noticing that I was there. I did have to watch her closely for her safety. We had a swimming pool she was fascinated with, so we had to keep the doors locked. One time she found an unlocked door and went running down the street laughing and seeming happy to be free, but terrifying to me as I chased her.

I was with her when she died. She had stopped eating and had lost so much weight that she was almost unrecognizable. I felt such a peace in the room when she left. Her sister was in the other room. Her sister had planned for me to be the one to manage her affairs if she couldn’t, and not long after this, her sister was diagnosed with the same type of brain tumor, and I got to go through the whole process over again.  Aunt Ila didn’t recognize me and didn’t know where she was, but she did talk about her younger years, so that’s where our conversations took place. I was grateful that she had asked me to help her so that I was prepared when the time came.

What I learned from these experiences is getting frustrated doesn’t help. I always let them both know that they were loved and taken care of. I missed them much before they were no longer physically there. And I learned the grace, comfort, and beauty of loving unconditionally. If you find yourself in a similar situation, be sure to take good care of yourself which is something we tend to forget when we are in the caretaker role.

Sending you much love on your journey–

 

You can order Loving and Living Your Way Through Grief  by clicking here at Amazon.

I would be happy to put you on the reminder list for or Writing Together Through Grief occurring on Saturdays each week by sending an email to me to emily@lovingandlivingyourwaythroughgrief.com and giving me your email address.

The Truth About Greif

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Mark Nepo says: “Only while telling the truth does the truth lighten us.” Early in my grieving I would say to myself things like: “I will never feel better “I will never love again.” Or “Nobody understands how bad I feel.”  Did you find yourself saying things like that? You may have only said them to yourself, and you may have felt that way at the moment, but were you actually telling the truth?

How would you describe how you were feeling early in your loss?  Did you feel empty, lonely, devastated, inconsolable? Think back to those days.  I barely remember much of what happened because things didn’t seem real.  It didn’t seem possible that my husband would never hold me again, sleep with me, or have a wonderful conversation with me.  All those things were my normal before he died, then he was gone along with all the wonders we had shared.  When I felt the unfamiliar experiences, I believed them to be true. But as time went on, I realized those were temporary feelings, and I didn’t need to stay mired in them. I could start moving forward a little at a time.

I didn’t think I would love again. Jacques and I had been married for 22 years. After he died, I didn’t feel suddenly unmarried. I still said “my husband” when I referred to him. And even after I fell in love with Ron, it took me four years to say yes to his proposal because I didn’t feel unmarried to Jacques.  Fortunately, I finally realized I wasn’t being fair to Ron and to our relationship and I was able to say yes.

When Jacques died, I had a hard time imagining that anyone could understand me. I just knew that anyone who hadn’t had someone very close to them die just wouldn’t get how I felt. I only had one friend who was also a recent widow. She set a good example for me. Through watching her be able to smile again, I realized that people didn’t have to know how I felt, since that isn’t possible, but they could care about me, and I could accept the comfort they offered me.

When dealing with these issues, I realized I wasn’t telling myself the truth. Integrity is important to me, and here I was, telling myself things that weren’t true.  When I finally realized that I was living in a fantasy that I had created, I started to examine the truth of what I was saying. I could see that I was starting to feel better, though it took a while. Discovering that allowed me to see that the truth was, and is, that things change every moment.  I can choose not to live in the depths of despair but chose instead to see what is good and beautiful about my life.

Focusing on what I am grateful for, on what I can enjoy, I began to see the truth and focus on that.  When I would start to tell myself that I couldn’t be happy, I would stop and say, “Is that true?”  Focusing on what I knew in my heart to be true allowed me to start on my path of staying in the moment and discovering the truth in my life.

If something starts to bring you down, ask yourself if whatever it is can really be true. Chances are you will discover that there is a more positive way to look at things, and a much more positive way to move forward for you.

 

You can order Loving and Living Your Way Through Grief  by clicking here at Amazon.

I would be happy to put you on the reminder list for or Writing Together Through Grief occurring on Saturdays each week by sending an email to me to emily@lovingandlivingyourwaythroughgrief.com and giving me your email address.

Are Your Journaling?

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What good is a journal when you just write random things in it that no one else will ever see? My answer is: a journal is a lot of good!  The things that I hear most often from people who are grieving or dealing with loss is that they miss their loved one or they are lonely or both. A journal can help with that.

When Ron was still here, we sat on our lanai (Hawaiian for deck/porch) and had long conversations every day. We would talk about anything that popped into our minds, from how to help out someone we knew, to how we felt about something going on politically, to what to have for dinner, to when we would have our next party.  After he was gone, none of those things seemed important, and I felt very much alone.

After a while, I realized that I didn’t want to live in a state of sadness, yet I was struggling to think of anything that I could be positive about. I turned to my journal.  At that time, I I wasn’t even thinking in complete sentences, so I started writing lists. I would write a list of things that would make me happy. I wasn’t eating much and was losing weight, so I wrote lists of food I would enjoy if I ate it. I wrote a list of people I would love to hear from. And I wrote lists about anything I thought of.

At first my list making was just helping me to pass time, then I realized that I was starting to pay attention to what I was writing. I said I loved to walk on the beach, so I did that. I wrote that I would love to have some Cherry Garcia ice cream, so I did.  I wanted to hear from my friend, so I wrote to her. I didn’t have to do everything I wrote down. I was grateful to have an idea of what to do, of what could make me happy.

These small successes helped me to start waking up, so I started writing more in my journal. What came to me was to have a conversation with Ron.  I would write to him in great detail.   I had so much I wanted to tell him. I wrote to him about all I was doing to report the bad effects of the peritoneal dialysis her was doing to help the doctors to know that these things happened so they could monitor their patients for them and get them help. I wrote to him how I felt about our life together. The more I wrote, the more I had to write.

With this writing, the heaviness of the grief I was experiencing began to lift. I was able to breathe more easily.  I felt like I could start to talk to others again. I started to look toward my future. I explored ideas in my writing, and my writing comforted me. Then I started to write others to send them love and support for whatever challenges they were dealing with.

The more I wrote, more came to me. I started realizing I had more to do. And I would plan out my future in my journal. My journal became my invaluable friend. Now I can go back and read what I wrote in those early times, and I am grateful for the strength I gained by writing just for myself. Now I am grateful to write to others to help provide comfort and support.

You will be amazed how writing in your journal can support you on your journey. Just write out all you are feeling and allow it to help you move forward.

 

You can order Loving and Living Your Way Through Grief  by clicking here at Amazon.

I would be happy to put you on the reminder list for or Writing Together Through Grief occurring on Saturdays each week by sending an email to me to emily@lovingandlivingyourwaythroughgrief.com and giving me your email address.