The Grief and Happiness Alliance

healthy coping mechanisms

We All Grieve

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I talk, and read, and cry, and write, and speak, and listen about grief much of my waking hours. I choose to do so because I recognize how much grief I have experienced, and I am still standing, and smiling, and even laughing sometimes. I certainly don’t think grief is funny, yet it is part of our lives all the time.

I often have people tell me that they aren’t grieving anyone right now, then they quickly change the subject.  The truth is, almost everyone is grieving someone or something most of their lives.

The first death I remember was my grandfather. I was young at the time. My memory of him was that he had a nice smile and didn’t talk much. He spent most of his time in his chair with a board that had been cut to rest on the arms of his chair comfortably so that he had a flat surface to play solitaire.

One day when we went to grandpa and grandma’s house, he wasn’t there. I don’t remember anyone telling me why. I never saw him again. I think my family didn’t think I was old enough to understand the concept of death. This experience left me curious and a bit frightened.

I experienced the first grief I remember when I was three and jumped out of a second story window landing on my forehead fracturing my skull.  This left me with an ugly scar and a terror of heights. The scar faded long before the fear. I am happy to tell you that I did overcome that fear not that long ago, but that experience aways remains with me.

I have witnessed so much trauma and death in my lifetime. This started when I was 14 years old and started working in our family business of an ambulance company. That long ago I only had to be 14 and trained in Red Cross first aid to qualify for the job.

I would help rescue people from car accidents and industrial accidents.  I would care for people who had been in fights. I responded to calls where there was still active shooting and babies being born. I grieved not having the knowledge and tools to adequately help all these people

I also grieved the loss of a home, the loss of big family gatherings when we all went our separate ways. I grieve a good friend moving far away as a result of family violence. I grieve the loss of my cocker spaniel as the result of her getting into my sister’s box of chocolates. I grieve not living close to my friends I love in California.

I could go on and on, but I choose instead to focus on sweet memories and all the happiness I have experienced, of making new friends and keeping in touch with people I don’t get to see as often. I focus on all the love in my whole life and on discovering all the new ways I am learning to experience joy.

I know that grieving can be sad and difficult, but that it can also bring growth and new light.

 

 

The Grief and Happiness Alliance

Loving and Living Your Way Through Grief

My email is emily@griefandhappiness.com

Let me know if you’d like to receive my newsletters which have lots of good things!

You can listen to my podcast here.

You can join the Grief and Happiness Alliance Gatherings which meet weekly on Sundays by clicking here

You can order the International Best Selling The Grief and Happiness Handbook by clicking here.

You can order The Grief and Happiness Cards by clicking here.

You can order Loving and Living Your Way Through Grief by clicking here.

Change

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The Greek philosopher Heraclitus, 540 B.C., is accredited with the quote “There is nothing permanent except change.” And the concept of a desire for change has been constant ever since, and probably before that too. When a U.S. presidential campaign occurs, it seems that once every four years the country focuses on changes the people see as essential at the time.

I remember when I was in high school, I wore a button on my jacket that said, “Make Love, Not War.” The friends I spent time with and I believed that if we all focused on ending war, that could happen. And look at the world now. That giant change we desired still hasn’t occurred.

When Obama won the election, his theme was, “CHANGE we can believe in.” That fostered so much hope. And positive changes were made, yet still not everyone believed in those changes.

I will never forget the discussion my husband Ron and I had when the winner was declared for the 2016 presidential election. He said for me to watch because that election was going to bring changes that time. At that point, I had no idea what that would mean. The changes that came at that time were the antithesis of the changes I longed for.

Now we are at the precipice of change yet again. There is so much on our ballots now beyond just the decision of who our next president will be. At this time, voting is essential for us to experience the change we desire.

Please vote to express the change you want to see.

 

 

The Grief and Happiness Alliance

Loving and Living Your Way Through Grief

My email is emily@griefandhappiness.com

Let me know if you’d like to receive my newsletters which have lots of good things!

You can listen to my podcast here.

You can join the Grief and Happiness Alliance Gatherings which meet weekly on Sundays by clicking here

You can order the International Best Selling The Grief and Happiness Handbook by clicking here.

You can order The Grief and Happiness Cards by clicking here.

You can order Loving and Living Your Way Through Grief by clicking here.

Que Sera, Sera

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I recently heard the song Que Sera, Sera on a television commercial and it reminded me of hearing it as a child. Doris Day came out with this song in 1955, so I was pretty young, but the song stuck with me, and I sang it to myself often leading me to fanciful daydreams.

The lyrics of the song are:

When I was just a little girl
I asked my mother what will I be?
Will I be pretty? Will I be rich?
Here’s what she said to me

Que sera, sera
Whatever will be, will be
The future’s not ours to see
Que sera, sera
What will be, will be

When I grew up and fell in love
I asked my sweetheart what lies ahead?
Will we have rainbows day after day?
Here’s what my sweetheart said

Que sera, sera
Whatever will be, will be
The future’s not ours to see
Que sera, sera
What will be, will be

Now I have children of my own
They ask their mother what will I be
Will I be handsome? Will I be rich?
I tell them tenderly

Que sera, sera
Whatever will be, will be
The future’s not ours to see
Que sera, sera
What will be, will be
Que sera, sera

 

My daydreams led me to know in my future that I would be pretty when I learned to smile often, I would be rich in many ways, and I do have rainbows day after day here in Maui. Just writing this makes me smile!

Although the lyrics say, “Whatever will be will be,” I believe we have some say in the matter. I know that when I clearly focus on what is most important to me, it will come to me in some way. This isn’t always easy, and it doesn’t necessarily come when I would like it to, but when I maintain my focus, what I desire, or something more, does appear.

For instance, as a little girl, I wanted to be a pretty child, and I was sure that would bring me friends and popularity. I would be so serious about this, I often frowned as I thought. Over the years, I saw that beauty wasn’t when I became the first runner up of Miss Porterville. My life didn’t change from that honor. I didn’t even have a date for my Senior Prom.

Ten years later I ran into a guy I went to school with who I thought never would be interested in me. After all those years, he recognized me and said he apologized and was so sorry he didn’t ask me out in high school because he thought I would say no. This really made me think.

My wanting to be pretty made me afraid of rejection. Isn’t that silly? I can see that now, yet as I reflect, I see a young woman who didn’t think she was pretty. She focused on everything else till years late. She learned to focus on happiness, and she can see the beauty comes from her smile.

Also, in the past I thought that being rich was just related to money. I now enjoy the vast riches of friendship, love, and purpose. I am grateful to be financially secure, but that is not where my joy has come from.

And those beautiful rainbows? Where I live in Hawaii, they are free, and beautiful, and available to make me smile and inspire me almost every day.

I felt unstable after having two husbands die. I think I feared my future. Realizing that the fear didn’t serve me, and focusing on knowing that at that moment, I was fine, allowed me to find that smile again knowing that whatever will be is here now for me to enjoy.

Allowing myself to not worry about what is to come in my life, “whatever will be” has turned out very well.

 

 

Find more about the song by clicking here.

 

The Grief and Happiness Alliance

Loving and Living Your Way Through Grief

My email is emily@griefandhappiness.com

Let me know if you’d like to receive my newsletters which have lots of good things!

You can listen to my podcast here.

You can join the Grief and Happiness Alliance Gatherings which meet weekly on Sundays by clicking here

You can order the International Best Selling The Grief and Happiness Handbook by clicking here.

You can order The Grief and Happiness Cards by clicking here.

You can order Loving and Living Your Way Through Grief by clicking here.

Simple Things

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Our lives are full of things, some tangible and easily seen; others intangible and not easy to define. When a loved one dies, many tangible memories are simply left behind and may gradually lose their significance. When the time came to move, I kept that in mind so as not to release what we treasure.

I’ve always been a collector of things, so when we left our home on the mainland to move to Maui, it was a challenge to choose what to pack into the shipping container. Some things were easy to release, like duplicate kitchen utensils. My kitchen was my creative space, so I carefully examined each item I picked up. My husband’s grandmother’s biscuit cutter had to stay with us while my shiny new one went to the garage sale.

I loved my giant, heavy dining room table and chairs, but they were too big for our new home, so I was able to easily release them to the new owners of the home we were moving out of. Now I can imagine that table surrounded by new families and friends for their celebrations.

The harder things to deal with were connected to memories and people. We lived a mile from the beach and loved picking up the heart shaped rocks we would find there and bringing them home to scatter in the yard surrounding our home. Leaving those loving memories there was hard, but it was the right thing to do.

When we arrived on Maui, we discovered we still had way too many things. We both loved art, and my husband had several large paintings that didn’t really suit our house. After Ron died, I gifted them to a friend who loved them and had a perfect place to hang them.

I have become adept at releasing things, which leaves so much new space in my life. As I glance around my house, I see stained glass windows my dear friend created, and the collection of Native American flutes and African drums as well as singing bowls we loved to play. There are so many wonderful memories there. Pictures of my family and my own paintings and drawings adorn my home. I never feel lonely at home as I have learned to treasure favorite things and to release that which no longer serves a purpose.

I encourage you to do this too!

 

 

 

 

 

The Grief and Happiness Alliance

Loving and Living Your Way Through Grief

My email is emily@griefandhappiness.com

Let me know if you’d like to receive my newsletters which have lots of good things!

You can listen to my podcast here.

You can join the Grief and Happiness Alliance Gatherings which meet weekly on Sundays by clicking here

You can order the International Best Selling The Grief and Happiness Handbook by clicking here.

You can order The Grief and Happiness Cards by clicking here.

You can order Loving and Living Your Way Through Grief by clicking here.

Just For You!

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Think about those days you have had where everything just feels off.  Maybe you didn’t sleep well the night before. Maybe it is a day when you are missing your loved one deeply. Maybe you don’t feel good with a headache and sluggishness. Maybe you have no energy. All these feelings are common while grieving.

Sometimes many things like this collide all at once and you feel like you have been hit by an avalanche. When that happens, pay attention. This is probably caused by not having paid attention to each symptom as they hit you. What do you do when this happens? First, slow down and take a few deep breaths. Then try one or some of these suggestions.

  1. Take a nap if you can. If you haven’t been sleeping well, getting some good sleep can act as a reset and give you a fresh start.
  2. Write in your journal. Explore how you got to this point. Was there something specific that triggered some of these feelings, like a birthday or holiday? Did you avoid an activity you loved to do together? Did you hear a special song on the radio? When things like this happen, write about them to discover what triggers you.
  3. Make a plan. Maybe you used to go out for Thai food often, and now when you even think of Thai food you get nauseated. If this happens, try finding a new place to eat, maybe a place that serves local farm to table food. If you hesitate to go alone, invite a friend or bring a book to read.
  4. Choose something active to do like tending your garden or going for a walk someplace you haven’t taken walks before. Schedule a regular time to go to your gym or to take a yoga class or a Chi Gong class.
  5. Be creative. Try new recipes for a healthy diet.
  6. Seek out new  friends to gather with. You could join a book club. You could take a dance class. Or you could participate in an online group studying your favorite subject.
  7. Get involved. Help with a voter registration drive. Work with a group that is raising money for your favorite cause. Join a group to pick up litter on the beach or at the side of the highway.
  8. Pamper yourself. Get a massage or a facial or a pedicure. Or go shopping for a new outfit.

You may be reaching a crossroad. If you take the downhill road, you may feel progressively worse. If you take the other direction, you can gradually move forward stepping into new life experiences. The most important thing you can do when you reach this point is to do something. You get to choose. Inaction keeps you stuck. Choosing action in whichever way you would like is your impetus to for your new best life.

 

One step at a time.

The Grief and Happiness Alliance

Loving and Living Your Way Through Grief

My email is emily@griefandhappiness.com

Let me know if you’d like to receive my newsletters which have lots of good things!

You can listen to my podcast here.

You can join the Grief and Happiness Alliance Gatherings which meet weekly on Sundays by clicking here

You can order the International Best Selling The Grief and Happiness Handbook by clicking here.

You can order The Grief and Happiness Cards by clicking here.

You can order Loving and Living Your Way Through Grief by clicking here.

Deal With It!

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I used to feel like I had things hanging over my head.  I knew I would feel better when the tasks were complete, and the longer I put them off, the heavier they would get.

Recently I was working on organizing my storage room. I was motivated to get it done so that I would easily be able to know all that was there as well as what wasn’t there that I thought I was storing.  As I thought about how wonderful it would feel for those tasks to be complete, something was always holding me back.

Finally, I defined one task at a time to tackle and got started. I cleaned out and organized a drawer. In that drawer, I found a stack of old pictures I thought I had lost.  In it there were several pictures of when my children were young. My daughter had asked me a few years ago about a picture I took of her when she was a baby.  She was laying on her tummy on a foot stool and it looked like she was happily trying to fly.

I was thrilled to find that picture that I was sure had disappeared forever. Other cherished photos were also in that pile.  I took a picture of that photo and texted it to my daughter. She was thrilled to see it! I ended up texting one picture at a time so we could talk about them, and we were able to share the whole stack while having a wonderful conversation.

Organizing that one drawer made it easier to clean out the next one.  I am still working on the whole room, but I am not overwhelmed now and am happily making new discoveries along the way.

Especially while grieving, we can talk ourselves out of starting tasks that will ultimately allow us to move forward in the process of our grief.  What task have you been putting off? You may have piles or paperwork, thank you notes that need to be written, or other chores that have been weighing on you.  My suggestion is that you make a date for yourself with whatever task you have been putting off.  Then show up at the designated time and start right in, working through the job at a pace that feels right for you.   I know you’ll be so glad you did!

 

 

The Grief and Happiness Alliance

Loving and Living Your Way Through Grief

My email is emily@griefandhappiness.com

Let me know if you’d like to receive my newsletters which have lots of good things!

You can listen to my podcast here.

You can join the Grief and Happiness Alliance Gatherings which meet weekly on Sundays by clicking here

You can order the International Best Selling The Grief and Happiness Handbook by clicking here.

You can order The Grief and Happiness Cards by clicking here.

You can order Loving and Living Your Way Through Grief by clicking here.