how to deal with grief

What’s Good About Today?

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I have heard so many people say that they don’t know how to live without the loved one they are grieving. I remember feeling that way too. And though the territory is unfamiliar, we find that we have no choice but to step into it once our loved ones die. The harder we fight moving forward, the more miserable we can become. I am sure that deep down you don’t want to be miserable, and I am pretty sure your loved one wouldn’t want that for you either.

I talked to the father of a young man who had just graduated from college and was ready to start his new life. Instead, his son was diagnosed with a terminal illness, and he didn’t have long to live. His devastated friends and family would come to visit him with tears in their eyes, and he would accept their loving wishes and then smile and ask them, “What’s good about today?” This would bring their conversation to the present, and they could enjoy the time they got to spend together. As the visitors left the hospital room, everyone was smiling.

Beautiful memories were created during those visits. Instead of heavy, sorrow filled memories, they could remember the smiles and laughter they shared the last time they spent with this special person. And the young man’s last memories were of smiling, happy people.

When dealing with your grief, try focusing on your loved one in a happy way. Try writing in your journal or visiting with a loved one. Share your memories. When did you see your loved one the happiest? When he was acting in a play? When you volunteered together to clean up the park? When you both went with your friends on a hike in the mountains?  When you watched him graduate or get an award? You will find yourself smiling as you reflect on these happy memories.

I’ll bet if he could send you a message right now, he’d say: “I love to see you smiling! Keep living your best life. What’s good about today?”

 

 

The Grief and Happiness Alliance

Loving and Living Your Way Through Grief

My email is emily@griefandhappiness.com

Let me know if you’d like to receive my newsletters which have lots of good things!

You can listen to my Grief and Happiness podcast here or anyplace you listen to podcasts.

You can join the Grief and Happiness Alliance Gatherings which meet weekly on Sundays by clicking here

You can order the International Best Selling The Grief and Happiness Handbook by clicking here.

You can order The Grief and Happiness Cards by clicking here.

You can order Loving and Living Your Way Through Grief by clicking here.

Reset

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I have used a computer for many years, and there is one thing they all have in common. They don’t like to have too many things open at once, and since I do so much on my computer, I often don’t pay attention to this, and that’s a bad thing to do! I’ll be right in the middle of something important, as is everything I do on my computer, and suddenly it will decide it’s just too crowded and needs some space. When this happens, I have no choice but to shut it down and give it a little rest before I start it up again. Only when it does open, it demands that I close or fix lots of things before I can get back to what I really need to do.

Our bodies act in a similar way when a loved one dies, or we suffer a great loss. We can become physically overwhelmed and need to take a break. We rest. We sleep. We don’t notice what is going on around us. We forget to eat, or we eat too much of the wrong things mindlessly. We are challenged by having to make important decisions. We may crave peace and company at the same time. Basically, we are confused. And we do need to shut down, rest, and then restart fresh.

Now is the time to get a notebook divided into three sections, or maybe even get three notebooks, or set up Notes on your phone, or a spread sheet on your computer.  The most important thing is to write everything down. Don’t trust your poor brain to remember things.  It’s doing the best it can. And so are you.  Create three lists. One list is for things you have completed. Another for things you have yet to do. And the last list is for things you would love to do, especially for things you have been putting off.   Be sure to include dates and times where needed so things don’t slip through the cracks.  These lists will give your brain a break for a while longer.

The big thing to remember is that there is no rush. Tasks needing to be done can wait. Take care of yourself. Go for a walk. Have cup of tea. Listen to some music. Just rest, then reset.

 

 

Emily Thiroux Threatt

The Grief and Happiness Alliance

Loving and Living Your Way Through Grief

My email is emily@griefandhappiness.com

Let me know if you’d like to receive my newsletters which have lots of good things!

You can listen to my Grief and Happiness podcast here or anyplace you listen to podcasts.

You can join the Grief and Happiness Alliance Gatherings which meet weekly on Sundays by clicking here

Tears

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When my husband and I decided to move to Hawaii, I was looking forward to living on the beautiful island of Maui that was always verdant. I’d lived in California all my life, and we had been dealing with drought for so long that people were digging up their lawns and replacing them with sand and rocks.

In Maui we never watered the grass, and it was always green for the first years we were there. Then it started to dry up. It would stay that way for months looking so sad. Now the green comes and goes. I was thinking about all this recently when I ran across this quote by Maya Angelou: “Every storm runs out of rain.” I love Maya Angelo, and I could just hear her say that.

Most often, grief is accompanied by tears that may seem never ending, yet the tears will ultimately dry like rain. Keep that in mind when your tears come. Don’t fight the tears. They serve the important purpose of release,

The Grief and Happiness Alliance

Loving and Living Your Way Through Grief

My email is emily@griefandhappiness.com

Let me know if you’d like to receive my newsletters which have lots of good things!

You can listen to my podcast here.

You can join the Grief and Happiness Alliance Gatherings which meet weekly on Sundays by clicking here

You can order the International Best Selling The Grief and Happiness Handbook by clicking here.

You can order The Grief and Happiness Cards by clicking here.

You can order Loving and Living Your Way Through Grief by clicking here.

The Emotions of Grief

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“The three main feelings people struggle with are fear, anger, and sadness.”

Gay Hendricks

 

When I read this quote in Gay Hendricks’ book Your Big Leap Year, I realized this could be a definition of grief for many people. However, it doesn’t have to be. When you recognize you are experiencing one or more of these emotions at any time while you are grieving, think about what is causing it right then, then think about how you can deal with this experience. Remember, you can experience all these feelings at the same time.

Sadness is probably the most common emotion people equate with grief, and that’s OK. The problem comes when you get stuck in that funk. To deal with this, when the tears come, let them. Cry when you need to. The more you cry, the less you will need to. Allow yourself to feel your feelings. You can also write about what you are feeling, or about the memory that brought the tears. This is also a good time to talk to a trusted friend. Be sure to tell your friend that you are not seeking advice, you just want to tell your story to a compassionate listener. Just as your tears wane, the need to repeat your story will lessen once you have fully expressed it.

Identifying where your fear is coming from will allow you to deal with this. Maybe you have never lived alone before, or you are not sure how you will be able to manage your expenses without your loved one’s income. Maybe you have huge medical bills. You may even feel that you don’t know how to move forward. Much of what you may fear may come from anticipatory issues. If this occurs, start by writing about it. What is it that frightens you? You may want to make an appointment with a financial advisor. You also may choose to go to a grief counselor to support you.

Anger can be triggered by so many things, some rational and some not. As with fear, identify where the anger is coming from. Maybe you are mad at your loved one who died for not losing weight or exercising that you may have thought would save him. Or you are angry at your boss for firing you. Or you are mad about the results of an election. On the surface, your anger may be triggered by something that doesn’t seem to be related to your grief, but when you write about it or talk about it, the true cause will have the opportunity to surface.

Be sure to seek help from a counselor if you feel you can’t handle any of these issues on your own. There are many more emotions that these three. When you realize you are dealing with a different emotion, write about it in your journal and see what you discover about it. Paying attention to your emotions is an important element of yourself care.

Always remember to love yourself and practice selfcare.

 

The Grief and Happiness Alliance

Loving and Living Your Way Through Grief

My email is emily@griefandhappiness.com

Let me know if you’d like to receive my newsletters which have lots of good things!

You can listen to my podcast here.

You can join the Grief and Happiness Alliance Gatherings which meet weekly on Sundays by clicking here

You can order the International Best Selling The Grief and Happiness Handbook by clicking here.

You can order The Grief and Happiness Cards by clicking here.

You can order Loving and Living Your Way Through Grief by clicking here.

Stepping Stones

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I recently read this quote from author Robert Brumet: “We open the door to healing when we see our suffering as a steppingstone rather than a stumbling block.” This made me think of the grieving process. Often in early grief we don’t worry about rocks because we find ourselves just sitting or even in bed. Then comes the time that we must come back to life.

The first step is to convince ourselves where we want to go or what we want to do. If we have a job, that timing may be decided for us. Our stumbling block here may be other people who are concerned about how to talk to us, and they may say hurtful or thoughtless things unintentionally. Or they may not talk to us at all not knowing what to say.  When this happened to me, I tended to work in my office with the door closed which didn’t help me or them.

When one of my husbands died, I was teaching an online summer writing class for the university.  Most of my students were from Saudi Arabia. I was only able to take a couple of days off and I felt I needed to let my students know that I might need a little patience from them, so I wrote them an email explaining what happened.  Each of my students wrote a kind email to me with the most beautiful writing they had done all summer.

I’ve heard sad stories of supervisors and bosses who have no tolerance for people dealing with grief. This can be so hard, and it can end with you quitting that job and moving forward to another job. That may be just the steppingstone you need at that time.

If you aren’t working, consider what you would really want to do.  What could get you up in the morning with a smile? You get to choose what to do. Start by making a list of anything you would like to do or try. Make a big list with anything you want to include. Then choose your favorite thing on the list and do that first! Just relax and have fun!

You don’t need stumbling blocks to move forward. Know that no matter what you choose to do, as long as you make the choice to do whatever it is, you can find yourself skipping down the steppingstones with joy.

If Only

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Have you experienced times when the things you desired felt beyond your reach? You may have said something like “if only I had enough money to pay all my bills”, or “if only I could get the job I wanted,” or “if only he (or she) hadn’t died.” Do these thoughts help you? Probably not.

When grieving, we are dealing with the death of a loved one, or any kind of deep loss, we can feel out of balance, like nothing is quite right. That happens because you are in unfamiliar territory, so you are searching for someone or something to fill in the gaps. However, someone or something else will never take the place of what is now missing.

The good news is you do not have to fill that gap. Things won’t automatically change to become the way they were before, so the best you can do now is to stop trying to make that happen. When you release the idea of the possibility that you can go back in time and make things different, that will allow you to start living in the moment now.

Try setting an intention to live the life you truly desire now. For instance, your intention could be “I spend my time doing what I love to do.” This intention leaves you open to new possibilities. For instance, maybe you love horses, but you feel you don’t have time to enjoy being with a horse and tending to it. In setting the intention to do what you love to do, you discover a course in equine therapy. Taking that course allows you to change your career, pay for your horse related expenses as well as have more money to live on than you do now, and spend lots of time with your horse while helping people in such a positive way.

Where do your interests lie? What would you love to do every day? Where would you love to do that? I created my own podcast where I can work from home, and I get to talk to people from all over the world. Maybe you could take classes you have always wanted to. Or maybe you could travel, or maybe you could volunteer for a local nonprofit.

Now is the time to immerse yourself in something you would love to do. Focus on that and soon you can notice yourself moving forward in your grief.

I’d love to hear about what you pursue.

 

The Grief and Happiness Alliance

Loving and Living Your Way Through Grief

My email is emily@griefandhappiness.com

Let me know if you’d like to receive my newsletters which have lots of good things!

You can listen to my podcast here.

You can join the Grief and Happiness Alliance Gatherings which meet weekly on Sundays by clicking here

You can order the International Best Selling The Grief and Happiness Handbook by clicking here.

You can order The Grief and Happiness Cards by clicking here.

You can order Loving and Living Your Way Through Grief by clicking here.