how to deal with grief

Be a Day Maker

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My granddaughter came to my rescue when I was having a challenge on how to do something on my computer. We had a Zoom call and worked together, and we had a great conversation. That made my day! The next day a good friend asked me to Zoom with him. We laughed so much together as we were catching up, and that made my day.  Then another good friend called me on the phone to see how I was doing. We had a thought-provoking conversation that I hadn’t realized I needed. And it was lovely just to hear her voice. Again, that made my day.

These contacts are extra special to me especially because I live in Hawaii, the most remote place in the world. It’s easy to lose touch with loved ones who live far away. Each of these calls brightened my day and brought me happiness and loving support. I started thinking about other things that would fit in that category, and I thought of lots from just the last few days. A friend brought me some juicy fresh figs, another friend brought me packages of seeds for my garden, and another friend took all my cardboard to the recycling center for me. And my day was brightened by chare vegetables from my garden with my neighbors and teaching happiness techniques at the Grief and Happiness Alliance meetings.

Knowing wonderful people and interacting on so many levels brighten my life every day. I encourage you to think about what brightens your day. If something doesn’t come to mind right away, think some more.  We have a tendency to look at the negative first which can block our realization of what is good for us that we are already experiencing. If this is happening for you, try focusing on the good things that happen in your life, and make a conscious effort to do something to brighten someone’s day every day, and pay attention to how good that feels!

How can you help make the day for someone else today? What can you do for yourself that can make your day? Be sure to do whatever it takes to make today your best day!  Then keep doing that every day.  You’ll be so glad you did!

 

You can join the Grief and Happiness Alliance which meets weekly on Sundays by clicking here.

You can order Loving and Living Your Way Through Grief by clicking here at Amazon:

You can listen to my podcast, Grief and Happiness, by clicking here

You can order the International Best Selling book in 9 countries that I wrote a chapter in, Ignite Forgiveness, by clicking here

Your Words

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William Shakespeare wrote many plays: comedies, histories, and tragedies. He also wrote poetry, especially sonnets. He wrote all this centuries ago, yet his words are read, spoken, and performed around the world still. Have you thought about the power and importance of the words you write?

In Macbeth Shakespeare wrote:

“Give sorrow words.

The grief that does not speak

Whispers the o’er fraught heart,

And bids it break.”

When I read these words, I contemplated all the words I have given to my grief.  In early grief, the words seemed to float in my consciousness, not sticking together or seeming to make sense.  I realized that to be able to truly contemplate my situation, I had to find a way to tie the words together into thoughts to give my sorrow words. So, I started writing.

My early grief writing was fragmented and written without a clear sense of purpose. When a thought was not clear, I started writing out what I was thinking.  The more I wrote, the clearer my ideas became.  This was not writing I would share with anyone. I used it for reflection. I explored the spaces left empty from my loss to fill them up with a new sense of purpose.

The more I wrote, the more I expressed my grief by committing my thought to paper, and the more I could see I was making progress in moving forward. I started craving the process of writing making my journal my cherished friend. The more I wrote, the better I felt as I was making discoveries about who the new me was becoming.

My career teaching writing at the university imbued in me the importance of the written word. I chose to start channeling my writing into the comfort and support I could bring to those dealing with grief and loss. By becoming comfortable with the words I shared, I saw the value of my experience to shepherd others through their loss. The Grief and Happiness Alliance has allowed me that opportunity.

The words you commit to writing can support you immeasurably now and can comfort your loved ones in the future.

Write on–

 

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You can join the Grief and Happiness Alliance which meets weekly on Sundays by clicking here.

You can order Loving and Living Your Way Through Grief by clicking here at Amazon:

You can listen to my podcast, Grief and Happiness, by clicking here

You can order the International Best Selling book in 9 countries that I wrote a chapter in, Ignite Forgiveness, by clicking here

Outside In

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Mourning and grief are different. Mourning is the outside expression of grief while grieving is what you feel on the inside.

Think of a time when a loved one died in the past or a time when you were with someone dealing with the death of a loved one. What outside indications of mourning have you observed?

The Gaelic tradition of keening is when women wail together loudly, expressing and releasing the sorrow they feel with the loss of a loved one.

An old tradition in Spain was when the male head of the family died, the women wore black for the rest of their lives, and they no longer went outside their houses.

Jewish people sit shiva when a parent, spouse, child, or sibling dies. The Shiva lasts for 7 days and has lots of traditional rules to follow.

Many cultures and religions have their own traditions where people outwardly demonstrate their mourning. While I didn’t have a tradition of how to mourn, I found myself sobbing until I could catch my breath, then I became silent and didn’t feel like talking.

How do you mourn? How have you observed others who mourn?

Grief is different from mourning. Mourning is mostly done in the presence of others. Grieving, however, is a personal, inside experience.

Grieving can happen before death as in anticipatory grief, it may seem brief, it may diminish over time, or it can last a lifetime.

As people transition from mourning into grief, feelings tend to become less apparent to observers.

Allowing ourselves to deal with our feelings helps them to dissipate. Failing to experience grief may cause physical and emotional symptoms, so paying attention to how you feel is essential.

Some tips for ways to take good care of yourself while grieving are:

  • Read good books about dealing with grief.
  • Write in a journal every day.
  • Express your gratitude often.
  • Forgive yourself for anything you need to.
  • Find or create a group of people also grieving to support each other.

Most importantly, do something. Grief does not go away when you ignore it, so take good care of yourself. Release the inside experience of grief allowing yourself more room for happiness.

 

You can join the Grief and Happiness Alliance which meets weekly on Sundays by clicking here.

You can order Loving and Living Your Way Through Grief by clicking here at Amazon:

You can listen to my podcast, Grief and Happiness, by clicking here

You can order the International Best Selling book in 9 countries that I wrote a chapter in, Ignite Forgiveness, by clicking here

A Reason A Season A Lifetime 

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People come into our lifetimes for a reason, a season, or a lifetime. In every relationship, there is a gift and in entering relationships, I choose to be mindful to recognize that gift.

People who come to us for a reason could be doctors, teachers, housekeepers, lawyers, beauticians, salespeople, and anybody who joins us for a specific purpose.  We don’t necessarily need to create a long-term or close personal relationship with these people, but we can make a positive difference in each other’s lives. Yesterday my friend and I went out for breakfast. The person who was serving us didn’t seem happy. She didn’t make eye contact or smile. We didn’t know what was wrong, and we didn’t need to. We just smiled and spoke to her positively; she looked up and smiled. She mentioned she was having a bad day, and we knew how we interacted with her at that moment brightened how we all felt.

People who come to us for a season are close to us for a time. I experienced this often when I was doing theatre. A cast would work closely together for at least five weeks blocking and learning lines and developing characters. Then the performances went on for weeks. When the show completed its run, we’d go our separate ways. While we were together, we felt like family. That changed after the run of the show as we found a new temporary family in the next production.

People who come to us for a lifetime become extended family as we develop those relationships. People from the reason and season categories can merge into our lives for the long term. I have special friends in this category all the way from high school to now. We don’t have to see each other often but always reside in each other’s hearts. When my husband was terminally ill, a friend from high school showed up who I hadn’t seen for many years. She saw I needed support and moved in with me and helped me care for him. Her companionship and assistance were priceless.

In reflecting on the people who have been and are significant in your life, think about ways you can enhance those relationships. How can you share joy with those you love? I am grateful for those who are always there to support and guide me on my way, and I am grateful to do the same for them.

Who can you share some comfort, support, and love with today?

 

You can join the Grief and Happiness Alliance which meets weekly on Sundays by clicking here.

You can order Loving and Living Your Way Through Grief by clicking here at Amazon:

You can listen to my podcast, Grief and Happiness, by clicking here

Balance

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Life is a delicate balance. We breathe in. We breathe out. Our hearts beat. Our hearts relax after each beat. We are awake. We sleep. For every action, there is a counteraction. This balance allows our bodies and hearts to live, to thrive.

When a loved one dies, our balance is thrown off. As we mourn, our balance is askew. Think of old-fashioned balance scales where 2 pans hang down from a bar. What you want to weigh goes on one pan and weights are added to the other pan until both pans are at the same level.

When death occurs, people mourn. The people who are closest to the person who died usually mourn the deepest. Picture yourself on one side of the scale and your loved one on the other side. When your loved one dies, they leave the scale causing your side of the scale to fall to the lowest point, completely out of balance.

The process of grieving allows you to place what helps you on the other side of the scale gradually bringing the scale back into balance. In early grief, you are at the lowest of the low, and when you are ready, you start discovering what you need to bring you back into balance. You start with the basics.

Your body takes care of itself by drawing air into your lungs. Paying attention to your breathing allows you comfort. You can control your breathing to a certain extent, and closing your eyes and taking deep breaths helps you reset. Your heart beats to keep your body functioning. The stress of grief can cause the heart to beat faster and the blood pressure to rise. Focusing on deep breathing and relaxing can help to normalize both of these.

Your metaphorical heart may feel broken, and love can help mend that break.   Healing comes from receiving the love that your friends and family bring to you as you deal with your loss. Just as important is the love that you reflect on these people. Taking time to recognize that giving and receiving love brings you strength and gives you comfort.

Pay attention to what brings the balance that you crave back to you. Everything you do, even if it feels ordinary, contributes to your balance. Remembering to eat, to walk, to sleep, to bathe all contributes to leveling those scales. The more you enjoy these ordinary things, the sooner the scales will level.

Focus on what serves you, what heals you, and your balance will return.

 

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You can order Loving and Living Your Way Through Grief by clicking here at Amazon:

https://www.amazon.com/Loving-Living-Your-Though-Grief/dp/1642504823/ref=tmm_pap_swatch_0?_encoding=UTF8&qid=1658356016&sr=8-1

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You can order the International Best Selling book in 9 countries that I wrote a chapter in, Ignite Forgiveness, here:

https://smile.amazon.com/Ignite-Forgiveness-Journey-Peace-Harmony-ebook/dp/B0BLFCYYD6/ref=sr_1_1?crid=9C6VAFE42H5C&keywords=ignite+forgiveness+book&qid=1669836040&sprefix=Ignite+forg%2Caps%2C284&sr=8-1

Kindness

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My good friend Reverend Richard Carlini once said, “Become highly responsive to a kindness done.” I hadn’t really thought about kindness from that perspective before. I focus on being kind, but now I’ve realized the importance of receiving as well as giving.

Think about the last time someone did something kind for you.  Maybe a friend asked you to go on a walk with her.  Or maybe a friend shared something with you she baked or some vegetables she picked from her garden. Or someone called just to see how you are doing. How did you respond?

For some people, giving just comes naturally with no thought of receiving recognition or thanks in return. While others do something they believe is kind just because they want or need acknowledgment. I have got to admit, that sometimes I don’t even recognize the significance of a beautiful, kind action. I am making a commitment right now to start paying attention.

I knew a man who created a big campaign to encourage people to practice random acts of kindness. He was a college professor and started the project by making it an assignment for his classes.  This became a movement and people were happily competing to see who could be most kind.  They especially loved doing things surreptitiously so they could just experience the joy of giving with no expectation.

A movie came out in 2000 called Pay It Forward. I’ve remembered it after all these years because it was such a great idea. A teacher created a Social Studies assignment to create something to change the world. And one student came up with the idea that when someone receives a kindness, instead of doing something to pay back that kindness, the receiver would do new good deeds for three other people, thus multiplying the initial kindness. I loved that idea and started putting it in action in my life.

I encourage you to consider the kindness in your life that you give and that you receive. How can you appreciate acts of kindness? How can you become “highly responsive to a kindness”? Know that paying attention and being benevolent is a sure way to bring you more smiles and spread happiness!

 

You can join the Grief and Happiness Alliance which meets weekly on Sundays by clicking here.

You can order Loving and Living Your Way Through Grief by clicking here at Amazon:

You can listen to my podcast, Grief and Happiness, by clicking here

You can order the International Best Selling book in 9 countries that I wrote a chapter in, Ignite Forgiveness, by clicking here