The Grief and Happiness Alliance

losing a loved one

Fear

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Are you afraid? Most of us have some kind of fear. When you identify what’s causing you to fear something, you can choose to do something about it or let it go.

Does this sound familiar? “I’d love to spend more time with ___, but she’s so busy. I don’t want to bother her.” The way this demonstrates fear is your concern that she might say no and you fear being rejected.  You may not realize this is what is happening. If you want to spend more time with her, send her a text, or call her on the phone.

Making up stories that may not be true is easy to do, and you probably don’t recognize that you do that out of fear. While grieving, we may hold on to thoughts or old patterns of behavior out of fear.  Maybe you always went to breakfast on Saturdays with your loved one, and you miss that.  Try finding a new place to go for breakfast and invite a friend to go along. In the new place, people will be less likely to ask you about your loss.

Sometimes the fear is that you will fall apart when you are experiencing the powerful emotions that can come with grief. Know that you won’t fall apart, whatever that may mean.  And if you do find yourself crying, go ahead and cry to release whatever that was that caused you pain. A good cry clears the air like rain does. Release all those feelings that come up while you are crying.

Sometimes we fear something we can’t even define. If you start feeling something you are unfamiliar with that frightens you, try writing about it asking yourself, “Why is this issue bothering me?” Hopefully you’ll discover that what you were feeling frightened of isn’t even real. Or maybe you’ll discover there is something you can do about the issue. When you know why that fear has come up for you, you can let it go so that it will no longer have any power over you.

When you find yourself noticing when fear slips into your life, be prepared and diffuse its power. In the words of Carol Staudacher, “With grief, the way back is the way through.”

While grieving, each day is better than the day before. As you move through your grieving process, notice each time you find yourself smiling or taking a deep breath and know these actions are supporting you in moving forward,

I know you can do this.

 

The Grief and Happiness Alliance

Loving and Living Your Way Through Grief

My email is emily@griefandhappiness.com

Let me know if you’d like to receive my newsletters which have lots of good things!

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You can join the Grief and Happiness Alliance Gatherings which meet weekly on Sundays by clicking here

You can order the International Best Selling The Grief and Happiness Handbook by clicking here.

You can order The Grief and Happiness Cards by clicking here.

You can order Loving and Living Your Way Through Grief by clicking here.

Sunrise, Sunset

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Even if you haven’t seen the play or movie of Fidler on The Roof, you probably have heard the main song, Sunrise, Sunset. Read these lyrics and see if a memory of this song comes to you:

Sunrise, sunset

Sunrise, sunset

Swiftly flow the days

Seedlings turn overnight to sunflowers

Blossoming even as we gaze

Sunrise, sunset

Sunrise, sunset

Swiftly fly the years

One season following another

Laden with happiness and tears

Lyrics by

Sheldon Harick

As I was gazing at yet another gorgeous sunset here on Maui, those lyrics floated by in my mind. I see the sunrises out of my bedroom each morning and see the sunsets from my lanai. I love to take pictures of these beautiful times of days, and no two pictures are ever alike.

This day was different from any other day I have experienced, and tomorrow will be different too. I can choose to let each day float by or choose to identify the love and beauty of the day, or to wallow in the sadness of a day.

Four of the most significant days in my life came at the sunsets of my loved ones.

When my father died, he had just given a big speech to his whole community honoring the veterans there, then the next day, he was just gone from a heart attack. I was in shock, but I was able to witness the community celebrating him all week because it was the week of Veterans Day. Though I was sad, I chose to be grateful for such a wonderful father loved by so many.

When my mother died, she had been deteriorating for a long time. Her physical self was unrecognizable. The last time I entered her room, I sat next to her bed and held her arm where I could feel her pulse as I told her all I wished I could have earlier in her life, especially that I loved her. Then I told her she didn’t have to wait, that Daddy and her mother were waiting for her, and it was OK for her to go.  I felt her pulse slow and stop. When I went into the other room to tell her sister, I felt the love I had never expressed to her overwhelm me, and I was grateful to have served her and taken care of her for the last years of her life.

When my husband Jacques died, he had been suffering from a myriad of health challenges for so long, but he always thought he would get better. I saw when he realized that wasn’t going to happen. He was getting into the car to go to yet another dialysis treatment. He looked in my eyes and said “Oh. S**t.” Then he collapsed into the car and slid down between the seat and the dashboard. I was unable to move him. I was in shock.

When Ron died, he was surrounded by his family and friends, all celebrating him through the week of his death.  He was so loved and supported during this time. He just appeared to fall asleep, then he was gone. Initially with his departure, I cried painfully, but after that, I was grateful that he wouldn’t have to experience all the pain he had been through anymore and I found peace in that.

While these are all sunsets, I have lots of sunrises too like when my children and grandchildren and now great grandchildren were born. With each graduation, each wedding, each wonderful experience they are all having, it brings me joy too.

I love and am grateful for it all. And the more experiences I have with all of my loved ones, the more grateful I am for this amazingly beautiful life I get to live. I think about the beauty and joy of each sunrise and sunset, and I encourage you to take the time to look up  at these gorgeous reminders of our precious lives and reflect on your sunrises and sunsets too.

 

The Grief and Happiness Alliance

Loving and Living Your Way Through Grief

My email is emily@griefandhappiness.com

Let me know if you’d like to receive my newsletters which have lots of good things!

You can listen to my podcast here.

You can join the Grief and Happiness Alliance Gatherings which meet weekly on Sundays by clicking here

You can order the International Best Selling The Grief and Happiness Handbook by clicking here.

You can order The Grief and Happiness Cards by clicking here.

You can order Loving and Living Your Way Through Grief by clicking here.

Memories

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Our lives carry millions of memories. These memories can inspire us and amplify all the good in our lives. And the tons of memories  also can weigh us down to the point we can’t easily move forward.

Considering these opposite subjects of fear or loss, and happiness or joy, compile a list of each one. Write these lists on separate pieces of paper.

Start with the memories that are sad, maybe even tragic. Or the memories that are embarrassing or frightening. They may be of extreme frustration. They may be of loss that seems unbearable. Take your time with this list.  Don’t include things you have worked through and released because you have already let them go.

Now write about each item on this list one at a time. For each one, answer these questions:

  1. How long ago did this happen?
  2. Is this any part of your life now?
  3. Do you feel like you are carrying the effects of it now?
  4. Do you want to release it so that it no longer bothers you?

When grieving, much of the pain comes from memories of things you had no control over and of things you wish you had done differently. And most of these things are on the list you just wrote.

You can’t change anything that has happened already, but you can change how you think about it and deal with it now.

There is a beautiful Hawaiian tradition called Ho’oponopono. You can use it for any of these memories you wrote here. The results of sincerely doing each item on this list will change your life dramatically. To do this practice, take one item at a time and write or recite each step.

  1. I am sorry
  2. Please forgive me
  3. Thank you
  4. I love you

This example of how I did this practice will show you how it works. A doctor made a mistake in my husband’s care that led to much of the pain my husband suffered. This is how I dealt with each step of this process.

  1. I am sorry. I apologized for the anger I felt toward the doctor. I knew in my heart that he would not have intentionally afflicted this pain on my husband.
  2. Please forgive me. Forgiveness is essential in any case where you have done anything that needs to be forgiven. I asked for forgiveness for carrying this anger for so long.
  3. Thank you. Look for the good in the situation and be thankful for that. I am thankful for all the good, helpful things that the doctor did for my husband.
  4. I love you. Loving that doctor and all the good things he did allowed me to let go of the anger I had been carrying.

Work your way through your list answering all the questions about each item. You may need to do the practice more than once. Do it till you can release what needs to be about each item. By practicing forgiveness and giving more love out into the world changes not only your life but the lives of those around you.

Now look at your happy list. For each item, recall the experience and what you were happy about. Did you love what happened and the people involved in your happiness? Do you feel joy as you recall what happened. What can you take from these experiences to bring more happiness, love, and joy into your life and the lives of those around you?

This may seem like a lot of work, but it’s worth it. Every day you will feel lighter as you release any trauma from your past and focus on the great life you are creating now filled with joy and love.

Now is the time for you to actively let go of past burdens and discover the wonder waiting for you as you move forward in your grief.

The Grief and Happiness Alliance

Loving and Living Your Way Through Grief

My email is emily@griefandhappiness.com

Let me know if you’d like to receive my newsletters which have lots of good things!

You can listen to my podcast, Grief and Happiness, by clicking here

You can join the Grief and Happiness Alliance Gatherings which meet weekly on Sundays by clicking here

You can order the International Best Selling The Grief and Happiness Handbook by clicking here.

You can order The Grief and Happiness Cards by clicking here.

You can order Loving and Living Your Way Through Grief by clicking here. https://a.co/d/eWNx3j1

 

What Side of the Bed Do You Get Up On?

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When I was young, I remember my mom saying that I woke up on the wrong side of the bed, and I couldn’t figure out what she was talking about. I shared a bed with my sister and we slept on the same side every night. I was on the left. She was on the right. And what difference did that make anyway?

As I reflect, I know now that she was talking about the attitude I woke up with, and that was rarely happy. Every day seemed the same, doing what I had to do. I was mostly lonely, and it seemed like no one cared what I did. So I did what I thought I was supposed to, and that was to be good.

My definition of being good changed throughout my life. It boiled down to doing the best I could, the most I could, but that never seemed to be enough. When I needed to make a decision, I would always wonder what my parents would expect me to do. It took a long time for me to see that I could do what I wanted to do and just be responsible to me for my decisions.

Whew! What a relief! My imagination became my guide. My choices became my own. I loved who brought joy to both of us. I quit a job I thought I was supposed to do and created a business I was passionate about. I lived where it was beautiful. And I manifested a life I had only dreamed about before.

Then my husband died. I felt so empty, so blank. I struggled to find who I was without him and what was next. Gradually, the broken pieces of my heart began to mend by taking care of myself and loving myself allowing me to love someone else again.

Then my next love, my next husband, died. While mourning, I decided loving again would be impossible, that I couldn’t live through it. Gradually, the memory of how my broken heart was able to heal in the past allowed me to focus on me again. I knew I was strong and the key to living had always been taking care of me.

Contemplation and exploration of this concept stitched my heart back together allowing my love to become stronger than ever, and now, it’s me who I love.

I nourish my heart with the unconditional happiness and love that causes it to beat as I pass that love and happiness forward. I see the warmth of my smile reflected to me allowing me the great comfort of knowing I finally have figured out how to live my very best life.

Now I get up on the right side of the bed every day and am grateful for my commitment to love and happiness.

What side of the bed to you get up on? You can change that if you choose.

 

 

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The Grief and Happiness Alliance

Loving and Living Your Way Through Grief

You can listen to my podcast, Grief and Happiness, by clicking here

You can join the Grief and Happiness Alliance which meets weekly on Sundays by clicking here

You can order the International Best Selling The Grief and Happiness Handbook by clicking here.

You can order The Grief and Happiness Cards by clicking here.

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Love Letters

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I just read Jane Asher’s book The Next Room. She wrote this book with her mother and it is filled with wisdom.  I felt like I was in the room with them as Jane asked her mother deep questions and her answers were kind, deep, and filled with love. They were questions she would have loved to talk to her mother about while she was alive.

Jane came from a close, big family. She was the youngest and remembers growing up in a small town. When her mother died, her father asked Jane if he could talk with her friend who communicates with people after they transition. Her dad received so much comfort from their communication that she chose to meet with her friend too.

Jane had questions for her mother, so she shared these with her friend and her friend told Jane her mother’s answers. She was comforted and amazed by what her mother shared, so she wrote it all down to remember this guidance. Jane knew she had to write what she learned from her mother in a book.

Jane also realized she could communicate with her mother without the help of a medium, so she asked her mother to write with her, and her mother said yes. They wrote The Next Room together and I highly recommend this beautiful book.

Inspired by Jane’s book, I now include asking questions of my loved ones who have transitioned when I I write in my journal daily. My journaling has become much longer, and I am comforted by the answers I receive that are always filled with love.

If you are skeptical about this, I understand. I can’t tell you for sure that the answers I receive come from my loved ones. I may already embody the discernment I am seeking, and writing my questions in my journal allows me to discover what I already know.

Wherever the answers that I write in my journal come from, I accept them as love letters from my family and friends.  And each morning when I close my journal, I am smiling and grateful for all I discover in my writing.

Try writing to your departed loved ones and see what they share with you. You will be so happy you did!

 

You can listen to my podcast, Grief and Happiness, by clicking here

You can join the Grief and Happiness Alliance which meets weekly on Sundays by clicking here

You can order the International Best Selling The Grief and Happiness Handbook by clicking here.

You can order The Grief and Happiness Cards by clicking here.

You can order Loving and Living Your Way Through Grief by clicking here at Amazon:

Reaching to the Other Side Blog

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My mother stayed in my home for several months before she transitioned. She had a meningioma, a non-malignant brain tumor which was not treatable. During this time, she lost weight, and sometimes she would seem like she was living in a different realm. My dad had died several years before, and she stopped smiling then. However, once she learned of her brain tumor diagnosis, she started to smile again and sometimes even laughed. I realized that she was grateful that she wasn’t going to be living much longer.

One day I heard her talking in the other room, so I went to check who was there. She didn’t see me come in and continued her conversation, only I didn’t see anyone. I also had no idea what she was saying. These random conversations continued happening, and she usually was smiling as she talked. Occasionally she would notice me listening. She’d smile at me then continued her conversation with whoever it was.  When I asked who she was speaking to, she’d just smile and keep talking. I noticed that sometimes she was reaching toward her visitor.

She started declining rapidly and lost so much weight that she was almost beyond recognition.  One day as I sat at her bedside, I sensed that she was slipping away. I held her arm where I could feel her pulse, and I talked to her.  I was moved by her gentle breath and told her, “It’s OK for you to go. Daddy is waiting for you.” As soon as I said that, her pulse slowed, then stopped. I realized she had been waiting for permission.

Years later, my mother’s sister Ila, started having strange behavior.  She had legally appointed me as her decision-maker, so I took her to the doctor. She was also diagnosed with a meningioma. She became confused and didn’t recognize her loved ones. I could see her frustration as she declined. I found a good place she could stay for care where a friend of mine was the Director of Nurses. I ensured all of her financial and legal affairs were in order. One night a nurse called me to say she had a fever, so I rushed to her side.  Even though she had a Do Not Resuscitate order, the nurse had called an ambulance. Fortunately, I was there when they came so that I could show them the order, so they left. As I sat by her side, I told her that she could let go, that my mother and her mother were waiting for her.  With that, she stopped breathing and passed peacefully.

Years later, my mother-in-law was living with us. She was diagnosed with a bowel obstruction and was in the hospital. She was in her nineties. The doctors pressured my husband to allow them to operate because she was in pain. He decided to go home to pray. I stayed with her as pain seemed to disappear and she started to talk to people I couldn’t see, and she was speaking in a strange language like I had heard my mother use years before. She also reached her hand toward who she was talking to. When my husband came back into her room, she died peacefully.

This week I am attending Death Doula Training. We are at a beautiful place on Maui with ocean views and tropical breezes, and the room is filled with so much love. As we shared our stories, people mentioned how when people they were attending to who were close to death they would reach out and speak to someone that only they could see. Listening to these stories combined with my own, it became clear to me there is more to transitioning from this earthly life than we may realize. I also am experiencing how precious this life experience is.  I have learned much as my loved ones depart from this earthly plain, and I am grateful.

 

You can join the Grief and Happiness Alliance which meets weekly on Sundays by clicking here

You can order the International Best Selling The Grief and Happiness Handbook by clicking here.

You can order Loving and Living Your Way Through Grief by clicking here at Amazon:

You can listen to my podcast, Grief and Happiness, by clicking here