losing a loved one

Freedom From Problems

February 4, 2021 by Emily Thiroux

Often when grieving and dealing with loss, we feel like life in general is one big problem. We spend our days navigating from one problem to the next. We think if only I could go visit with friends, if only I could keep my home clean, if only I had something constructive to do, if only I could get into an exercise routine, and on and on and on.

You think that once all these problems are solved, you can be happy, you can relax, you won’t have any more problems, but is that true? Not really. I lived a lot of my life in the “if only” zone. If only I had a degree. If only I had more money. If only I had a wonderful relationship. If only I had another degree. If only I had my own theatre and school of arts. Each time I accomplished one of these things, the next one was there waiting.

Does this sound familiar to you? You may be living in the “if only” zone too. I hear you saying, but I really want all those things I am saying “if only” about. And I am not saying you can’t have them. When you focus on something, when you give all your attention to it, the result of this is for it to take more and more of your energy, and you have less and less energy to devote to everything else in your life. The key here is balance.

When I decided to get a master’s degree, it consumed more and more of my energy until I wasn’t focusing on anything else. I spent less and less time with my family, I cooked less, I didn’t participate in organizations I loved, I was lost in books, writing, and studying. While I ultimately reached my goal, the process was grueling, and I was kind of miserable which affected those I loved most. Reflecting, I see how I could have taken more time to get my degree which would have allowed me more time for what I loved and was missing out on.

Here is how I handled a situation now where there was something I wanted. In dealing with my grief after Ron died, I did a lot of writing, and out of that writing, I was inspired to write a book. My intention was to provide comfort, love, and support to those dealing with loss. I completed the book, then without any effort, I discovered who my agent was supposed to be. We discussed the kind of publisher we wanted, and we started researching. Instead of spending lots of time on getting a publisher, I set my intention to have the perfect publisher for my book. In the meantime, I found other ways to offer comfort, love, and support to grievers. And I spent my time enjoying my life; I even travelled to Bali pre-Covid. In due time, my agent and I found the perfect publisher and my book is published and available at a time when there is unprecedented grief and loss in so many ways.

Now I choose to focus my energy on what I want. I use my energy positively to create the life I desire to live. Knowing that my energy will expand where I focus, I focus on solutions instead of problems. The result? I’m not dealing with problems. And life is good!

You can order Loving and Living Your Way Through Grief by clicking here at Amazon.

I would be happy to put you on the reminder list for or Writing Together Through Grief occurring on Saturdays each week by sending an email to me to emily@lovingandlivingyourwaythroughgrief.com and giving me your email address.

The Stories We Tell

January 28, 2021 by Emily Thiroux

We all tell stories, but are we telling the truth in those stories? When we tell the story of the loss of our loved one, we may only tell part of the story leaving out what we think the person we are telling the story too wouldn’t be able to handle. Or we may share way more than the person we are talking to can handle. Think about stories you tell, and then think about why you are telling them.

Your stories can bring you the support you desire. For instance, you may tell a story of your desire to spend more time with your friends. In that story, you may say only one or two friends are staying in touch with you. You can bemoan the fact no one else calls you or that you spend so much time alone. Think about how the person you are telling your story to will react to the story you are telling. They could think “She sounds so sad. I can’t handle being around that sadness now because I am barely hanging on.” Or they could think “I understand that loneliness, and I will do better at staying in touch.” How you tell your story will affect what the results you will get will turn out.

When you change your story to something positive, you are more likely to get positive results. For instance, when you tell your story about how you want to spend more time with your friends, try changing up your story to say something like “I loved before the pandemic how we used to get together to visit over a cup of coffee at our favorite café every Monday at 10 AM. I was thinking, we could still do that now. Instead of the café, let’s facetime or Zoom at the same time, or even talk on the phone.” If you heard that story from your friend, wouldn’t you say “Sure. I would love to do that. I do miss our time together. This would be a great way to catch up.”

Or you may tell the same story to every new person you come in contact to. For instance, I could introduce myself as a widow who has had two husbands die. If you met me and I said that to you, what would your reaction be? Chances are you may be kind yet have no desire to spend more time with someone dealing with so much loss. In this time of a pandemic, you have enough to deal with already. But if I introduced myself as a person grateful to meet someone new, you would probably be more interested in getting to know me better.

What is your story now? Are you telling the truth about who you are? Are you a person who loves real conversations? Do you hold back information that could help you share what you really want to? Or maybe you say way more than you meant to? Spend some time thinking now about how you would like others to perceive who you are. What stories can you tell to develop the relationships you would like to have? What stories to you need to keep for yourself? Telling the stories that support the outcome you desire can go a long way to bring more joy into your life.

Try writing your stories in your journal. Often, writing out a painful story in detail can help you discover the truth in it while releasing the need for it to keep circulating in your mind making you sad or holding you back. Years after I had a terrible experience, it kept surfacing in my thoughts. After I took the time to actually write it out with all the freighting details, I realized that I was able to let the story go. Nobody else saw what I wrote, and I was able to tear it up and throw it away. I was amazed that after I got the story down on paper, I released all the feeling that went along with it.

Think about stories you tell, and then think about why you are telling them. How do your stories serve you? Sometimes the stories you tell can drive someone away. Your stories can also bring people closer. Telling your stories can bring you joy when you allow them to. Before you tell your story, ask yourself these questions. Does this story need to be told? And if it does, how can I tell it with love in a way it can bring joy?

Bring love and joy to others, and to you, with the stories you tell.

You can order Loving and Living Your Way Through Grief by clicking here at Amazon.

A Fresh Start

January 20, 2021 by Emily Thiroux

We are all ready for a fresh start! Actually, we get to have a fresh start every day. I have noticed this to be especially true for those dealing with loss. And while we may think we are ready, we actually need to take action to make it happen.

Waking up each day after my husband died was always kind of a shock. I would be all ready to cuddle up next to him, then I couldn’t. That still happens some mornings. I had to adjust to this so I wouldn’t stay stuck in that lonely place. I started by realizing that each day was a fresh start, a new opportunity to experience every moment.

Every morning I would journal. I thought about discovering my purpose. What did I want to do? And I explored listing things that would make me happy, bring me joy. I started small by choosing one thing I could do, then I progressed from there. I would choose something like making a list of people I would like to reconnect with. I prioritized my list and started writing an email or text to one person on the list each day. Writing instead of calling helped with the anxiety I had that I might break down if I heard their voices. This simple practice started bringing me much needed human connection. Most people wrote back, and hearing from them felt so good. The more I wrote these notes, the better I felt, and the longer the list got!

Reaching out was a small step, and doing it boosted my mood and opened my curiosity as to what to do next. I realized that I was in control of my ability to move forward, to discover what I wanted or needed out of each moment. If something didn’t turn out the way I imagined it would, I saw that in the next moment, I could try something different. I didn’t put pressure on myself, and I was grateful for my new experiences.

When 2021 came, I knew this was a big fresh start, yet the start of the year was a little rocky. So now I am declaring for myself that today, 1 20 21 is my new fresh start. I am making a list of things to focus on and to experience. At the top of that list is staying positive. I will smile as I go about my day and always actively practice gratitude. I encourage you to recognize your fresh start too! What will you focus on?

This week is the fresh start for my new book, Loving and Living Your Way Through Grief which launches this week. This book is a demonstration of a huge fresh start for me after Ron died. I started writing a little big each day, and that led to this beautiful book that I know will bring comfort and help to all who read it.

If you would like to attend the book launch for Loving and Living Your Way Through Grief, please email me at emily@lovingandlivingyourwaythroughgrief.com and I will send you a Zoom link.

You can preorder the book by clicking here at Amazon.

Writing My Book

January 13, 2021 by Emily Thiroux

After Ron died, I was in a fog for a while. As I was emerging from that hollow space, I considered what to do. I searched for guidance on the Internet, and I found lots of groups for those dealing with loss, especially widows. I joined several and discovered tragic stories of loss that broke my heart. I reached out to these people, offering words of comfort. I realized that the comments I shared were overshadowed by the large quantity of comments from others also offering their opinions. Reading all these posts left me awash in sadness, and that is not where I wanted to be.

I turned to reading books on dealing with grief. I read many, and most of them focused on loss and sadness, many with their personal efforts to recover, and that didn’t resonate with me. I see grief as something that lasts a lifetime, while the acuity of that grief diminishes as we gradually move forward keeping the loved ones we have lost in a special place in our hearts. By viewing the social media I did and reading the books I did, I discovered that whatever I did needed to be positive. I saw that I would focus on supporting each other in a positive way while emphasizing love.

I also spent much time in meditation and in writing in my journal. I wrote about the lessons I was learning and what my new priorities were. I also wrote about what I thought Jacques and Ron would love to see me do at this time. I saw that my writing was my comfort, and the more I wrote, the better I was able to deal with what I was experiencing. This led me to invite people dealing with loss to my home to write together exploring our individual experiences. This group became close and asked to meet twice a month instead of one, and we did that until the pandemic. Then I started a private Facebook group to explore writing through grief, and I have started a Zoom writing meeting weekly to come together to write about our grief.

In the process of doing all this, my book evolved. I had a list of many things I saw as issues that I was writing about that I knew I could help others with. I included with each chapter something specific the readers can do to help them deal with their experiences. I contracted with Mango Publishing to get my book out to those who can use it. I am thrilled that it launches on January 19 and that we are celebrating the launch with a big celebration on Zoom on January 23. I see Loving and Living Your Way Through Grief as a loving support of those dealing with loss, and the perfect gifts for those you know who are dealing with loss and grief.

In the meantime, the pandemic arrived. So many of us are now dealing not only with the loss of loved ones, but with the loss of jobs, income, homes, and just living our lives in the manner we would love to. The lessons and suggestions for activities can help anyone who is dealing with loss. By supporting each other with love, we all can make a difference in us all moving forward together live our best lives.

I look forward to helping you.

If you would like to attend the book launch for Loving and Living Your Way Through Grief, please email me at emily@lovingandlivingyourwaythroughgrief.com and I will send you a Zoom link.

You can preorder the book by clicking here at Amazon.

Busy-ness

January 6, 2021 by Emily Thiroux

Do you go to bed with your mind sorting out all the things you have to do, then wake up with more things on your list? That’s been me lately. I have been doing well for a long time with keeping things balanced and prioritizing but have found myself being somewhat overwhelmed and with getting ready to launch my book, Loving and Living Your Way Through Grief, on January 23. I am even starting to feel a bit stressed.

For most of my life I did so much that when I was asked if I was stressed, I would say “Stress is my life.” Now I know that doesn’t serve me, and I have been feeling great with my well-balanced life, but this incredible opportunity of getting my book out there is something I plan to do my very best at, so I am busy. Realizing that January 23^rd is coming soon is a blessing. This high level of activity won’t last forever, so I am figuring out how to make the best use of my time while taking care of myself. These are a couple of things you can do too when you get busy or stressed.

First, I am my priority. Like what the flight attendants used to tell us back when we could fly, “Put the oxygen mask on yourself first.” When I get busy or stressed, I easily forget to eat wisely and drink water. Now, I set good nutrition and hydration as a number one priority. If I don’t have the fuel, I can get anything done.

Second, I start each say with my spiritual practice where I meditate, write in my journal, write what I am grateful for, write my affirmations, write my intention, and write something that brought me joy the day before. This may seem like a lot, but it doesn’t take long and brings focus into my life. This also allows me to prioritize what is most important.

When I do each of these things intentionally each day, everything just falls into place. My breathing slows, I smile, and the day is beautiful.

I am so glad I wrote this today! I feel much better now!

Send me an email if you would like to receive an invitation to my book launch on Zoom January 23 at 11 AM PST. emily@lovingandlivingyourwaythroughgrief.com

Pre-order my book Loving and Living Your Way Through Grief by clicking here.

New Year, New You

December 30, 2020 by Emily Thiroux

My sister came home from rehearsal at the Barn Theatre for A Christmas Carol frustrated a week before the show was scheduled to open. The little boy playing the part of Tim Tim’s big brother had dropped out of the show. Always one to come to the rescue, she suggested to the director that I could play the part. I was about the same size as the little boy, so the costume would fit, and she could bring me to the theatre every night. So, I was cast in my first play when I was in third grade. Little did I know at the time that this was the beginning of my love for theatre and the arts for my lifetime. I felt at home on the stage and was fascinated by all aspects of the production.

Fast forward fifty something years, and I was standing in my theatre and school of arts that I had created in a beautiful 100-year-old building in downtown Bakersfield. I had a lifetime of experience in every aspect of theatre and was ready to use it all. Our first show was of our summer children’s workshop production of Annie. The packed house and the thrilled children pouring their hearts out on the stage showed me that dreams can come true. But Spotlight Theatre was more than a dream; it was an intention I set before I even knew what setting intentions was all about.

Looking back on my life now, I see that I have been setting intentions all along and seeing them come in to being. Once I committed to something in my heart, it would eventually come into being, sometimes many years later. And whatever I dreamed always turned out to be so much more than I had imagined. When my husband Ron taught me about the principle of setting intentions, I realized that I was a master at it already, but discovering how it worked, I was thrilled to set my intentions now intentionally.

I had heard the adage, be careful what you wish for. I turned that around for me to carefully intend what I desired. In writing my book Loving and Living Your Way Through Grief, I started out with the intention of helping my friend Lori deal with the sudden death of her husband Chappy. Helping her was my intention not knowing where that would lead me. I started by writing her a letter, then I decided to write her a note every week for the first year. When I had written the content for all the notes I would send, I realized that the notes made an outline for a book. Though I had written college textbooks before, I was in new territory now and knew I needed help. That’s when I discovered my amazing agent and coach Meriflor who held my hand through the process to write the book and find the perfect publisher. And now my book launches January 19, 2021.

As this new year starts, what is it that you would love to do or be? There are no limits. Take some time to write a list of what you crave, what you would love to do, what you are ready to have. Out of all you write down, what do you desire the most? Write it as clearly as you imagine it, then know that it is already happening. Put what you write where you can see it every day and believe that it is true. Then watch what happens. Intentionally intend your best life.

When did my writing career actually start? Many years ago I sat in a college writing class listening to the instructor share about how his editor had taken him to the best restaurant in town to celebrate the signing of the contract for his new book. At that moment, I said that I would do that one day too. And I did. Though my first book came many years later, a fond memory I have was my editor from Prentice Hall taking me out to eat at the Oak Room in the Plaza Hotel in Manhattan overlooking Central Park. Sitting the I reflected on that day in my writing class years before that I knew I was going to be an author.