The Grief and Happiness Alliance

loss

Making the Internet World Smile

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I woke up the morning with some of the lyrics of the Beatles song A Day in Life running through my head. “I read the news today, oh boy . . . .” only I had read the news last night on Instagram.  Leslie Jordan died in a single car accident after apparently having a medical event.

I met Leslie in 1983 just after he arrived in California with dreams of being a movie star. We worked together at The Great American Melodrama in Bakersfield, California, he as an actor, singer, dancer, and me, a theatre major in college, being in charge of costume maintenance. Leslie was 4’ 11” tall and I am 6’ tall, so we made quite a pair.

Leslie constantly kept us all laughing with his raunchy sense of humor, and the audiences just loved him. One night he was standing next to me looking up and he said in his adorable lilting Tennessee accent, “I just want to thank you for keeping our costumes mended and clean so we can look and smell good for our fans. I really appreciate what you do for us.” He was the only person to ever thank me for doing that work.

Leslie went on to Hollywood and ultimately became the star he wanted to be earning an Emmy for his role in Will and Grace, but most people will remember him for his kind heart. He was a volunteer during the AIDS crisis bringing comfort to so many people.

During the pandemic, wanting to cheer people up, Leslie became a mega star on Instagram having 5.8 million followers and almost a thousand posts. With everyone being on lockdown, Leslie started posting as “thelesliejordan” at least twice a day doing whatever he could think of to cheer us all up.

With his “Make them laugh” personality,  Leslie brought so much joy into the lives of so many. I miss you already Leslie, and I, and all your fans, will forever.

In Leslie’s honor, let’s all make someone smile today.

 

 

Get your Awaken Your Happiness Journaling Guide at no charge by clicking here: https://www.griefandhappiness.com/pl/2147595767

You can join the Grief and Happiness Alliance which meets weekly on Sundays by clicking here: https://www.griefandhappiness.com/offers/ytK7eLBa

You can order Loving and Living Your Way Through Grief by clicking here at Amazon.

https://www.amazon.com/Loving-Living-Your-Though-Grief/dp/1642504823/ref=tmm_pap_swatch_0?_encoding=UTF8&qid=1658356016&sr=8-1

You can listen to my podcast, Grief and Happiness, here. https://podcasts.apple.com/us/podcast/loving-and-living-your-way-through-grief-with/id1509589686?i=1000535381763

I’m Sorry for Our Loss

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Those who know me know I frequently ask people to not say “I’m sorry for your loss.”  This phrase grates as trite and something people say out of a sense of obligation to recognize someone’s loss then rush on to what they actually want to talk about.

I just got home from a nine hour flight where I binge watched the series “And Just Like That . . . .”  because I heard it deals with loss in many different ways. While the subject matter of the show won’t appeal to everyone, one particular line caught my attention.

In an effort to offer condolences, a character said that dreaded “I’m sorry for your loss.” The person responding said “I’m sorry for our loss.” That took my breath away. Finally someone gets it. Sharing grief multiplies the comfort of community.

A person who is offering sympathy is often grieving for the same person, or they may be grieving someone else. All of us are grieving someone or something most of the time. The challenge comes when we lack support and comfort. By saying “our,” we bring the person speaking into our circle.

Saying “I am sorry for our loss” can open communication by recognizing your own grief and recognizing the grief of someone who is trying to support you.

Next time someone says, “I am sorry for your loss,” be a mirror to them with your reply. This can lead to a deeper friendship and the warmth of understanding.

To each person reading this, I am sorry for our loss.

 

 

Get your Awaken Your Happiness Journaling Guide at no charge by clicking here: https://www.griefandhappiness.com/pl/2147595767

You can join the Grief and Happiness Alliance which meets weekly on Sundays by clicking here: https://www.griefandhappiness.com/offers/ytK7eLBa

You can order Loving and Living Your Way Through Grief by clicking here at Amazon.

https://www.amazon.com/Loving-Living-Your-Though-Grief/dp/1642504823/ref=tmm_pap_swatch_0?_encoding=UTF8&qid=1658356016&sr=8-1

You can listen to my podcast, Grief and Happiness, here. https://podcasts.apple.com/us/podcast/loving-and-living-your-way-through-grief-with/id1509589686?i=1000535381763

Someone Else’s Loss

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Saying the right things to someone who is grieving can be a challenge. In the awkwardness following a death, sometimes people just don’t know what to say, so many times they don’t say anything, and I guarantee, that is not helpful. The most likely thing someone will say is “I’m sorry for your loss.” I remember years ago when the phase “Have a nice day” got popular all of the sudden. When you parted company with anyone, they were likely to say, “Have a nice day.” I first I thought that was a pleasant thing for people to do, until it became a constant drone that lost its meaning. That’s where “I am sorry for your loss” is now. People seem to think that any time they hear someone has died, those words must be spoken out of courtesy before anything else is said. I would really love if no one ever said “I’m sorry for your loss” again. Just saying these words doesn’t help anything except maybe for the person saying them that feels their obligation is now out of the way.

I heard a veteran say that she felt the same way about “Thank you for your service.” She said, “If that person was so grateful, they could give me a job, and then I’d feel the gratitude.” I have heard that for military personnel and veterans, they better thing to say is “Never forget.” I like that. If someone said something like, “I’ll never forget Ron and what a special person he was,” I would appreciate that thought. And don’t let your discomfort get in the way of showing up for your friend who needs you. With society’s attitude toward death, it’s easy to run the other way when it occurs, but that doesn’t help your friend who is experiencing the worst time of his or her life right now, and it doesn’t help you. Step up, be brave, and do what you can for your friend. And you may not need to say anything. Just listen and bring chocolate.

Here is a list of things that will be good for you to express to your friend:

Acknowledge the pain. Sometimes the griever will think they are the only one who has ever hurt like this. Tell them that their pain is real, that we all experience it at times of our lives, and let them know that you would be happy to listen.

Tell them that you don’t know what to say, and that you care, and you love them.

Tell them the favorite thing you remember about the person who died: their smile, their laugh, and events that you shared. Tell them anything positive you remember.

Let them know you will listen, then listen without judgement or advice. Sometimes we need to just express what we are feeling and know someone hears us.

Tell them if you would be happy to come stay with them for a few days or longer.

Ask them to talk to you about their loved one any time they want.

Tell them that they don’t have to talk, that you will just sit by them and be there for them.

Tell them you are so sorry that they have to go through this.

Let them know that they are in your prayers.

There are lots more things you can say. Just express yourself from the heart. Trust that you will know what to say. Be honest, be kind, be loving, and the best words will come to you. Keep in mind that when you are expressing yourself or offering advice that what you say needs to be about the person you are talking to.

What else can you do to help? My best answer is: something. The thing I heard more than anything else was “Just let me know if you need anything.” Please stop saying this now. They aren’t going to call you, of if they do, it’s likely to be at a point where they really need you right then and you may not be available. Instead, be proactive. Take them food, flowers, or little gifts weeks or months after the death. Let them know they are remembered. If you are taking food to someone who lives alone, a giant casserole is not a good idea, but that casserole divided into individual servings and wrapped for the freezer would be much appreciated.

Sometimes we let our fear hinder us from doing what we would like to or what we think is best. This is not the time to let fear get in your way. Go to your friend and offer to listen, offer to help, offer to just be there. The most important thing is to stay in touch. Share your love and support, and make the most of this very special time.

 

 

 

Sign up for my very special coaching to help you reclaim your joy! With this coaching, you will go from loss and grief dominating your life to discovering how you can live with love and joy by creating your new life plan. Click here.

 

Every Loss is a Partial Loss of Who You Are

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When my Daddy died, my world changed. He was such a special part of my life and was suddenly gone with no opportunity to say goodbye.  Every day I missed him, and everything felt different. Then when Mom died after caring for her for almost a year, I was kind of lost without her. We weren’t particularly close throughout my life, but toward the end of her life, that all changed.  I am grateful to have had that time with her. I now felt like an orphan, not playing the role of daughter anymore.

I took care of Jacques for the last two years of his life.  I gave up everything to stay with him either at home or in the hospital. When he transitioned, I was no longer a wife, a caretaker, or a lover, and I no longer had a job to go to. Then I stayed home with Ron, or at the hospital, for his last two years.  Although I had gained back those wife and lover roles after Jacques died, there I was again, losing those roles.

Now as I reflect, I see that while I did have losses, I gained back so much.  My love and attention were focused on Mom, Jacques, and Ron when I was caring for them, so I changed the direction of that love when they were gone.  Now I live in a state of love, and I am grateful for all the love I share.  Dad, Mom, Jacques, and Ron, and my children, all taught me how to love. I love deeply. I am surrounded by my Hawaiian Ohana (family), and I love each of them as I love my blood family. I love where I live. I love my garden and what I eat. I love the people I serve by helping them through their grief. I love the inspiration and guidance that leads me on my way. I love where I live on Maui with a culture based on love, Aloha.

I lost the physical presence of these people, and in the process, I lost, or actually stopped experiencing fear, which is really the only other emotion besides love. I was able to freely relinquish fear because it really didn’t serve me. I have realised that all these losses just made room for my love to grow and expand so that I smile much of the time now and truly enjoy my life.

I invite you to examine any loss you have had and to release the fear and sorrow it engendered. Now turn your life to just love. Love is such a beautiful way to experience life. My intention that I repeat every day is to love and be loved. Spread that love around every way you can. Especially now. And it feels so good when it flows back to you!

Be well–

Spring Up!

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Easter for me has always reminded me of a fresh start. That after a time of stillness, it’s time to begin again. In my heart I know that I am whole, complete, and perfect, and I know that making the best of each moment is my goal.

I remember wonderful times growing up where the family gathered with tons of food, especially ham and potato salad. We’d eat outdoors and wild flowers blanketed the hillside. Mom taught me the names of all the different wild flowers. I especially loved lupine and poppies. 

Now missing all that family, I will remember them and start my own new tradition of a little beach picnic that must include potato salad and flowers. I will bring to mind each of those loved ones with sweet memories and in their honor, plan my fresh start blossoming more each day, opening up to more light, more, love, more joy. I wish this for you, too!

I have created a new, Closed Facebook group just for my followers to share about reclaiming their joy after loss. I will be posting ideas to support you on your journey. Go to this link to join:  http://facebook.com/groups/ReclaimingYourJoyAfterLoss