memories

Compassion

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An article in the online magazine Greater Good Magazine says: “Compassion literally means ‘to suffer together.’ Among emotion researchers, it is defined as the feeling that arises when you are confronted with another’s suffering and feel motivated to relieve that suffering.”

David H. Breaux was a Stanford Graduate who majored In Urban studies. He dedicated his life to the study of compassion. He wrote what he believed compassion to be and was inspired to ask people in Davis, California, to write a book with what he collected. He was well loved, 50 years old, unhoused, and the victim of a serial killer.

In 2010, David was searching for a way he could contribute positively to society. After much contemplation, he created his compassion project where he would stand on a corner in Davis, California, and ask people “Would you care to share your written concept of the word compassion?” He considered that asking people to write about compassion would increase their awareness of compassion. His hope was to serve society by inspiring more compassion in the people he touched.

The people of Davis came together to support David’s project so that he was able to publish a book with all the definitions of compassion, Compassion, Davis CA: A Compilation of Concepts of Compassion by David H. Breaux is available on Amazon Kindle. As I read the book I couldn’t help to be inspired and feel the value of practicing compassion. I committed to becoming mindful of when I see compassion demonstrated and to continually look for ways I can practice compassion myself.

In the Grief and Happiness Alliance meetings, we write every week about prompts given concerning grief and happiness. The process of writing allows a deeper exploration of the subjects just as David asking people to write their definition of compassion instead of just telling him about it.  I encourage you to write your own definition of compassion and include how you will implement it in your life. I would love to have you post your definition in the comments below.

Practicing compassion brings joy and happiness to both the giver and the receiver. What act of compassion do you commit to completing this week?

 

More about David:

David spent much of his time at Compassion Corner where the Compassion Bench was built from his inspiration. Covered with mosaics created by local artists with positive, compassionate words, built with stuffed plastic bottles, and covered with clay by many members of the community. The bench is curved so that when people sit there to have conversations, they can see each other. This YouTube video shows how the community created The Compassion Corner Earthbench.

Julia B. Levine, Poet Laureate of Davis, California, wrote the poem Letter to a Lost Friend in honor of David Breaux.

 

 

You can join the Grief and Happiness Alliance which meets weekly on Sundays by clicking here.

You can order Loving and Living Your Way Through Grief by clicking here at Amazon:

You can listen to my podcast, Grief and Happiness, by clicking here

You can order the International Best Selling book in 9 countries that I wrote a chapter in, Ignite Forgiveness, by clicking here

Signs

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Most grievers experience signs that remind them of their loved ones. A sign can come from a sweet memory, a fragrance, a favorite song, a remembered idiosyncrasy, or unique experience. I frequently see, hear, or feel what seems to be signs from my loved ones who have died.

On a beautiful day in Maui, my husband Ron and I were sitting outside on our lanai when he told me there would come a time that whenever I saw a butterfly, saw our wedding date, heard our song, or smelled cigar smoke I would know he was near. All these things have happened to me, and because of that, I have started experiencing things that I consider to be signs from other loved ones of mine who have transitioned.

Several months after Ron’s death, I was having a hard time. I had signed up to take an art class, but I was feeling teary and talking myself out of going. Then a butterfly arrived. I took a deep breath and knew I had to take good care of me. Then another butterfly appeared, and another, and another.

I went out to my car and there were more. I had heard of butterflies migrating before, but it didn’t seem possible for this to happen in Hawaii. As I drove to my class, the butterflies swarmed my car. When I got there, they all flew off together, and not one had stuck to my car. This spectacular show just had to be orchestrated by Ron.

Ron and I had been together for 4 years, and he had asked me to marry him more than once, but I was hesitant. After Jacques died, I didn’t think I would ever be able to get married again. Then on December 26, 2010, I realized that New Year’s Day would be 1/1/11. I told Ron about that date and said wouldn’t that be a cool day to get married.  He immediately said yes and that he would make the arrangements. Though we had less than a week, the wedding was beautiful. Now I see the number 1111 often and I always say, “Hi Baby” and smile.

I have rarely smelled cigar smoke, but I do hear our song often. Stevie Wonder’s song “As” shows up often, and always at times I crave comfort. “As” was the theme song for a commercial so I heard it often for a while. When the show Blackish came to an end on tv, I was reminiscing about how Ron and I watched it together and we had deep conversations about the significant themes the show dealt with. I was emotional watching the finale, feeling like it was one more thing I was going to miss. Then for the grand finale, the whole cast came out with the song “As.” I guess I just needed to have a deep cry time then.

I have lots of signs for other people too.  For my husband Jacques, it’s hearing the song “My Funny Valentine” or just smelling Italian food.  For Daddy, it’s ice cream and sirens. For mom it’s chicken fried steak, tamale pie, and solitaire. For my sister Linda, it’s tea and bees. There’s a special sign or two for every loved one I’m grieving.

What are your signs? Do certain things trigger smiles, tears, and memories? Pay attention to those signs when you recognize them and take a breath, take a moment, smile when you can, and remember the special kind of love you shared with your loved one who is remembering you.

 

You can join the Grief and Happiness Alliance which meets weekly on Sundays by clicking here.

You can order Loving and Living Your Way Through Grief by clicking here at Amazon:

You can listen to my podcast, Grief and Happiness, by clicking here

You can order the International Best Selling book in 9 countries that I wrote a chapter in, Ignite Forgiveness, by clicking here

Christmas Presence

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This holiday season, give yourself the gift of being present. This season can be filled with memories which can bring you down or lift you up. Choose to focus on those good memories.

When Jacques and I got married, we wanted to establish a new tradition for our Christmas dinner.  His mother was from Sicily, and we all loved pasta, so we decided to make ravioli together.  Jacques made the sauce, my mother-in-law made the different filling, and I made the pasta dough. Then the three of us sat around a table and created the ravioli by cutting pieces of pasta, filling them, and sealing them by pressing with the tines of a fork.  We serve it with fresh Pecorino Romano cheese.  The family loved it!

With Ron, one year we prepared a big dinner where his children, his mom, and his two former wives and their husbands came. We had a wonderful time sharing their favorite Christmas stories. I love how we all got along so well. We loved to sit outside in front of a warm fire in our chiminea and just enjoy each other’s company. I love to cook and entertain, so our Christmas’s together were stress free.

I realized today that I have never spent a Christmas alone. Whether with family or friends, I have always had someone to share with. The comfort of some form of companionship during the holidays is priceless. I also always seek ways to help others from baking cookies and treats for the homeless shelter and the women’s shelter, to visiting with people in a rest home who had no one to share holidays with.

I remember my husbands and other loved ones who have died by writing them each a letter, and sometimes writing a letter back to me from them.  I also make sure to call or text people I know will be alone or dealing with grief during their holidays just to express my love and support to them.

To me, Christmas is not about the presents, but it is about staying in the present moment, realizing, and experiencing fully all the love, joy, and beauty of my life experience.

How can you experience your presence this holiday season?

Happy holidays!

 

Get your Awaken Your Happiness Journaling Guide at no charge by clicking here: https://www.griefandhappiness.com/pl/2147595767

You can join the Grief and Happiness Alliance which meets weekly on Sundays by clicking here: https://www.griefandhappiness.com/offers/ytK7eLBa

You can order Loving and Living Your Way Through Grief by clicking here at Amazon:

https://www.amazon.com/Loving-Living-Your-Though-Grief/dp/1642504823/ref=tmm_pap_swatch_0?_encoding=UTF8&qid=1658356016&sr=8-1

You can listen to my podcast, Grief and Happiness, here: https://podcasts.apple.com/us/podcast/loving-and-living-your-way-through-grief-with/id1509589686?i=1000535381763

You can order the International Best Selling book in 9 countries that I wrote a chapter in, Ignite Forgiveness, here:

https://smile.amazon.com/Ignite-Forgiveness-Journey-Peace-Harmony-ebook/dp/B0BLFCYYD6/ref=sr_1_1?crid=9C6VAFE42H5C&keywords=ignite+forgiveness+book&qid=1669836040&sprefix=Ignite+forg%2Caps%2C284&sr=8-1

 

Stuck

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When I read what people are saying in some of the grief groups I follow, I notice that many people are stuck in their grief. The gist of what I hear is that people feel that if they lighten up on their grief, they somehow will lose the connection with their loved one who died.  The people who express this seem so sad, unable to connect with their new situation of their loved one’s passing. They seem to feel that they must stay sad because being happy in their situation feels like a betrayal to their loved one.

I was writing the other day about how my husbands would like for me to deal with my life now. In the process of writing, I felt my husbands smiling at me, so I started to smile while I was writing. When that happened, I realized that my husbands would want me to be happy. I remembered how when we first got together, Ron was always telling me to smile.  I was so serious then. As I looked in the mirror, I could see how much better I looked when I was smiling, and that smiling actually was making me feel better, lighter, and happy.

All of us people grieving will experience periods of yearning or sadness.  The key is to recognize these feelings, experience them, thank them, then release them and smile even if smiling is a challenge.  When we stay stuck in these feelings, that is all we are concentrating on.  Time goes on, and we aren’t moving forward with it because all we can think about is our loved one. When you find yourself falling into this abyss, take a few slow, deep breaths to center yourself, and commit to yourself to release those feelings.  And when they come back, do this again.  The more you recognize what you are doing, the easier it will be to deal with your feelings.

Make your journal your friend.  When you start feeling that sadness, anxiety, or yearning, write about what you are feeling. Include why you are feeling the way you are right now. What triggered this feeling?  For instance, if whenever you eat apple pie, you remember how much your loved one loved apple pie and always had to have two servings each time you made it. You find yourself feeling blue when you remember this.  Take some time to explore this feeling. My main memory of apple pie was how much I enjoyed making apple pie because Ron loved it so much, and it made him smile. Instead of staying stuck in that sadness you I was feeling, I could smile at the happiness of the memory.  You will be amazed how you can shift your reaction to your memories in a positive way so that you can release the sadness and replace it with the good memory.

I challenge you to pick up your journal each time you start feeling the negative emotions and find the joy in the experience you remember. Focus on that joy, and in the process, release that sadness.  The more you do this, the happier you will become until you find yourself naturally feeling the happiness while releasing the negativity.

You can do this.  You can be happy.  Your loved one would want you to be happy.

 

 

Get your Awaken Your Happiness Journaling Guide at no charge by clicking here: https://www.griefandhappiness.com/pl/2147595767

You can join the Grief and Happiness Alliance which meets weekly on Sundays by clicking here: https://www.griefandhappiness.com/offers/ytK7eLBa

You can order Loving and Living Your Way Through Grief by clicking here at Amazon:

https://www.amazon.com/Loving-Living-Your-Though-Grief/dp/1642504823/ref=tmm_pap_swatch_0?_encoding=UTF8&qid=1658356016&sr=8-1

You can listen to my podcast, Grief and Happiness, here: https://podcasts.apple.com/us/podcast/loving-and-living-your-way-through-grief-with/id1509589686?i=1000535381763

You can order the International Best Selling book in 9 countries that I wrote a chapter in, Ignite Forgiveness, here:

https://smile.amazon.com/Ignite-Forgiveness-Journey-Peace-Harmony-ebook/dp/B0BLFCYYD6/ref=sr_1_1?crid=9C6VAFE42H5C&keywords=ignite+forgiveness+book&qid=1669836040&sprefix=Ignite+forg%2Caps%2C284&sr=8-1

 

Appreciation

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I love Marci Shimoff. She wrote Happy For No Reason, a book that changed my life. After Jacques died, I was miserable. I hadn’t smiled in months and could barely take care of myself. I had several significant health issues, and I just didn’t know where to turn.  I came across Marci’s book and thought, “I have no reason to be happy, so this book must be for me.” I read the book with a chip on my shoulder challenging myself to see if there really was anything I could do to raise my spirits. Marci’s examples of people who had problems that seemed so much worse than mine who still could find happiness helped me decide I could be happy too.

After Ron transitioned, I was so much better prepared and actively looked for what I could do for not only me to be happy, but how I could bring happiness to other people who were grieving too.  I wrote a book, Loving and Living Your Way Through Grief, and that was a start, but I was hungry for more.  That’s when I discovered Marci’s Happy For No Reason Certified Trainer Program.  This was it! I just knew that taking the course would at least bring me more happiness, but it helped me fulfill my purpose of helping others to be happy too.

I learned so much from Marci, her course, and her book, and I found ways to incorporate happiness into everything I do including creating the Grief and Happiness podcast and the Grief and Happiness Alliance which meets weekly on Zoom where people with the commonality of grieving come together to make friends, write, and learn ways to incorporate so much more happiness in their lives.  I know I am fulfilling my purpose in life now with all I am doing.

Marci shared how her family celebrated Thanksgiving.  In the past, everyone at the table has expressed something they are grateful for.  I love this, but Marci takes it a step further. Each person at the table tells every other person what they appreciate about that person.  How wonderful is that?  Everyone present gets to be showered with love and kindness, and they also get to reflect that appreciation back to their loved ones at the table.  I plan to do this now. And I plan to take it a step further by expressing my appreciation for the special people in my life who no longer sit at the table with us.

Appreciation and happiness go hand it hand. We don’t have to wait for Thanksgiving to celebrate the wonders of each other. Celebrating that appreciation with the people we chose to spend our time with magnifies the joy in all our lives.

Thank you, Marci, for your inspiration!

Who do you appreciate today?

 

 

Get your Awaken Your Happiness Journaling Guide at no charge by clicking here: https://www.griefandhappiness.com/pl/2147595767

You can join the Grief and Happiness Alliance which meets weekly on Sundays by clicking here: https://www.griefandhappiness.com/offers/ytK7eLBa

You can order Loving and Living Your Way Through Grief by clicking here at Amazon.

https://www.amazon.com/Loving-Living-Your-Though-Grief/dp/1642504823/ref=tmm_pap_swatch_0?_encoding=UTF8&qid=1658356016&sr=8-1

You can listen to my podcast, Grief and Happiness, here. https://podcasts.apple.com/us/podcast/loving-and-living-your-way-through-grief-with/id1509589686?i=1000535381763

Reawakening Grief

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Every day when I wake up, I remember waking up in that room with my amazing husband. We considered that room our sacred space. Most mornings I wake happy and grateful to have spent ten years in his arms and heart. Then sometimes I wake up empty. On days like that, I know to pay attention.

When we get reminders of our loved ones, it seems to me that they are sending messages.  I sit now on my lanai, Hawaiian word for patio, in the same chair I sat in while Ron was in the chair next to me.  I feel his comfort and presence in this lovely space. I know he inspires me as I write, and that we are still helping people together. In moments like this, I experience that joy that comes with grief when you get to the point of acceptance of your loss.

Think about places you can be or go that were special to you and your loved one.  When you are there, sometimes there may be tears with the overflow of your love dripping out. Feel that feeling. Experience that experience. The more you do, the more comfort you will grow into with those memories.  The space of your grief expands to allow the happiness and joy you crave as you remember.

Whenever your grief reawakens, sit with it.  Contemplate it. What is it telling you? Some people feel that grief is always sad and needs to be avoided, but when you sit with it, spending time with precious memories, seeing how these memories inspire you now as you move foreword can feel like a precious hug from your loved one, letting you know all is well and that the love you shared is eternal.

I heard someone say, if your memories are not giving you the answers you are looking for, maybe you are remembering the wrong ones. What memories can you focus on to bring you the inspiration and comfort you are seeking? Those are the memories to cherish.

 

 

Get your Awaken Your Happiness Journaling Guide at no charge by clicking here: https://www.griefandhappiness.com/pl/2147595767

You can join the Grief and Happiness Alliance which meets weekly on Sundays by clicking here: https://www.griefandhappiness.com/offers/ytK7eLBa

You can order Loving and Living Your Way Through Grief by clicking here at Amazon.

https://www.amazon.com/Loving-Living-Your-Though-Grief/dp/1642504823/ref=tmm_pap_swatch_0?_encoding=UTF8&qid=1658356016&sr=8-1

You can listen to my podcast, Grief and Happiness, here. https://podcasts.apple.com/us/podcast/loving-and-living-your-way-through-grief-with/id1509589686?i=1000535381763