memories

How Long Does it Take?

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August fourth five years ago Ron took his last breath. We had been together for ten years. In some ways that seems so long ago, while in others, it seems like yesterday. I don’t love him any less than I ever did, and I am sure that won’t change.

Last week I flew to California to attend Soul Sisters retreat. I went a few days early to visit some friends in Ventura who I hadn’t seen since the pandemic started. When I arrived, I was surprised to be so emotional. I was going to be staying with my friend Rose. She wasn’t home yet when I got there, so I sat outside to watch the sunset and the tears flowed. Ron and I lived there in what I thought was my forever home before we moved to Ventura.

I remembered how much I loved our home there, how beautiful we had made it, how close it was to the beach, and how we could walk to anyplace we wanted to. I also remembered how grateful I was that we lived so close to the hospital, and all the emergency trips we had to the ER to stabilize his heart enough to have more time.

While I was in Ventura last week, I went with Rose to an outdoor concert in the grassy park near the mission downtown where we heard powerful women play drums and sing in different languages while the audience danced a picnicked while I stood and stared at the nearby restaurant where Ron and I got married on 1/1/11. And of course, the tears flowed again.

I had planned to see lots of friends while I was there, and I just couldn’t in the fragile state I was experiencing. I do miss getting to see them, yet I realized this was a time I needed to take care of me. Leaving Rose’s warm support and love to go to the retreat was hard, but I did long to see my Soul Sisters.

When I drove down the beautiful coastal highway, the memories continued. When I arrived at Temescal Park, it was like going home. I had gone to the retreat for ten out of the last 12 years.  We had virtual retreats during the pandemic, but I missed two times to be with Ron as his health declined. Being there was the balm that I needed. Happiness, kindness, and love abounded. Everyone was so happy to be there, and Rickie Byars powerful music filled the air and our hearts. Deep, positive experiences continued throughout the weekend as we honored women of all ages, ethnicities, and backgrounds.

I have been surprised at how much the anniversary of Ron’s transition is affecting me, and I am deeply grateful for the love and support of my very special friends and chosen family.

Be sure to hold your grieving friends close as they experience various emotions as time goes on.  Their loved ones may have transitioned, but their love remains, and your support can make a huge difference.

 

 

Get your Awaken Your Happiness Journaling Guide at no charge by clicking here: https://www.griefandhappiness.com/pl/2147595767

You can join the Grief and Happiness Alliance which meets weekly on Sundays by clicking here: https://www.griefandhappiness.com/offers/ytK7eLBa

You can order Loving and Living Your Way Through Grief by clicking here at Amazon.

https://www.amazon.com/Loving-Living-Your-Though-Grief/dp/1642504823/ref=tmm_pap_swatch_0?_encoding=UTF8&qid=1658356016&sr=8-1

You can listen to my podcast, Grief and Happiness, here. https://podcasts.apple.com/us/podcast/loving-and-living-your-way-through-grief-with/id1509589686?i=1000535381763

 

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Immediately following the death of a loved one, or after a significant loss in your life, there usually comes a period that can be described as darkness. This is more a feeling that an actual lack of light. I remember that it seemed that everything was faded. I didn’t see the viridescent vegetation in my garden or the spectrum of blues in the ocean while I stood on the beach. Everything around me lost its brilliance.

The television show Call the Midwife stirs me every time I watch an episode.  I see in each episode births and deaths and how these events affect all who are present. One character said “Darkness is beautiful or how else shall we shine.” We see constant reminders of people helping people, supporting them in their times of need. There are so many wonderful examples of people helping others in ways that they can bring beauty into the darkness.

I once was walking downtown and slipped on the wet sidewalk. I fell hitting the ground hard. Immediately I saw a homeless man next to me who checked to see if I had been injured then helped me to my feet. I thanked him as he disappeared behind others who just stood there watching.

I wanted to go to a dance exercise class shortly after we moved to Maui, but I was hesitant leaving Ron by himself because I never knew when he would have to be rushed to the hospital. One of the men who was working on repairs for our house heard our conversation and said he would love to stay with Ron because they both enjoyed their conversations. I loved the class I got to attend.  We danced the whole time I was there, so I didn’t get to interact with the participants. I missed a class because Ron was in the hospital, and the next week when I came back, there was a big basket full of treats for Ron from cookies to fruits and even books to read. They brightened a dark time in our life.

Once Ron became weak and was having trouble breathing when we left seeing a movie. I got Ron seated and remembered that his doctor had just prescribed an emergency kit of three different prescriptions for him to take on his way to the hospital if something like this happened. As I turned to find where I could get some water, a man was standing behind me with a cup of water.  He had noticed Ron having trouble and had found a cup of water for him in perfect timing.

These and so many more instances have been there for me in dark times. I am always on the lookout for ways to helps others in their darkness. And I always remember these shining points of light people have been for me exactly when I needed them.

Shine your light, and always be grateful when someone’s light shines on you.

 

 

Get your Awaken Your Happiness Journaling Guide at no charge by clicking here: https://www.griefandhappiness.com/pl/2147595767

You can join the Grief and Happiness Alliance which meets weekly on Sundays by clicking here: https://www.griefandhappiness.com/offers/ytK7eLBa

You can order Loving and Living Your Way Through Grief by clicking here at Amazon.

https://www.amazon.com/Loving-Living-Your-Though-Grief/dp/1642504823/ref=tmm_pap_swatch_0?_encoding=UTF8&qid=1658356016&sr=8-1

You can listen to my podcast, Grief and Happiness, here. https://podcasts.apple.com/us/podcast/loving-and-living-your-way-through-grief-with/id1509589686?i=1000535381763

 

https://lovingandlivingyourwaythroughgrief.com/2022/07/20/1548/

Incredibly Beautiful

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Sometimes I hear a quote that resonates with me, and that happened when I was watching the final episode of This is Us. Someone said “The end is not sad. It’s just the start of the next incredibly beautiful thing.” At the Zoom meeting of the Grief and Happiness Alliance each week we always start by writing about something that has to do with our grief and then we talk about what we write. This quote reminded me of my husbands, so I suggested that we write about it at our last meeting. Thinking of Ron, this is what I wrote:

“Ron transitioned on Friday evening.  His friends who had gathered stayed through the weekend before going back to the mainland. They took me along with them to go dancing where one of them played guitar and sang and a singer who is a good friend was singing too. They played every Sunday evening on a patio outside a golf club restaurant where the view of the ocean and the sunset was so beautiful. I sat there in kind of a fog listening to the music that Ron and I used to enjoy dancing to. They played a slow song that was one of our favorites. I closed my eyes, but the silent tears flowed anyway. When the song finished, there was an unusual silence. I opened my eyes to discover the musicians, all our friends, and even people I barely knew had circled around me showing their love and support. I knew then that I was not alone in my grief and was being held up by their love and strength.”

Then just last week I had this beautiful experience. “Last night I went to a jazz and blues concert in support of the Children’s Arts and Education Group, an organization I support because of all the support they have been to Jacques’ granddaughter, (she calls me grandma), and her husband in creating the Maui Jazz Camp. The they played an amazing version of Someday My Prince Will Come. I closed my eyes, and my husbands, Jacques and Ron, both appeared in my mind.  I danced with them both, one at a time. We swirled, and dipped, and smiled. The dancing was magical. They both were so strong and handsome. I felt the presence of them both and their love and their support. A profound experience and I am grateful.”

Recalling incredibly beautiful moments can bring you warm smiles, and maybe a few tears. And they can remind you of the wonder of loving someone, or two, so deeply.

 

Get your Awaken Your Happiness Journaling Guide at no charge by clicking here: https://www.griefandhappiness.com/pl/2147595767

You can join the Grief and Happiness Alliance which meets weekly on Sundays by clicking here: https://www.griefandhappiness.com/offers/ytK7eLBa

You can order Loving and Living Your Way Through Grief by clicking here at Amazon.

You can listen to my podcast, Grief and Happiness, here. https://podcasts.apple.com/us/podcast/loving-and-living-your-way-through-grief-with/id1509589686?i=1000535381763

Grateful For All Who Served

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I learned recently to not say that someone “committed” suicide as that indicates a judgment when we can’t know what inspired the person to think that suicide was the answer.  Say instead: died by suicide.  Since I started helping people deal with grief, I can’t tell you how many instances of suicide I have some across.

Writer Nicole Spector says that when we say committed suicide it “puts responsibility on the victim, just as the phrase “committed suicide” suggests an almost criminal intent” (reference below). Suicide doesn’t necessarily indicate mental illness. The person may think that they are doing their loved ones a favor because they see themselves as a failure or because they are depressed.  We will never know for sure.

I was thinking about this on Memorial Day as I read an article in Military Times by Dean Lambert who I had the honor of interviewing for my podcast The Importance of End of Life Planning, April 19, 2022. His article, Can We Honor Deaths by Suicide on Memorial Day? (reference below) He asks if we can honor veterans who die of suicide as the result of the experiences they endured in the service to their country. His words are heartbreaking, and I couldn’t help but cry.

This reminded me of when after Ron died, I made an appointment with my cardiologist because my heart medication didn’t seem to be working. Usually, he was hard to get into because we don’t have enough doctors on this remote island, but he told me to come right in. He explained to me that what I was experiencing what not a medication problem but was PTSD.

I was shocked. I thought I was doing the best I could under the circumstances, but he knew the details of what had been happening with Ron, and he knew I had already experienced so much with Jacques.  Fortunately, with his help, I was able to take the best care of me and find the work I am doing now to help others which has been helpful to me at the same time.

I know how bad I felt at that time, I was devastated.  And when I read Dean’s story of his son, I was able to relate. So many veterans come back from serving in unimaginable situations, and they may feel they have to be strong for their loved ones while their lives have been permanently changed.  I want you to read Dean’s article. His message is so important. 

What is tragic now, but is something we can work toward improving, is that veterans who die by suicide are not honored in the same way other veterans are. As Dean says, “By correlating a veteran’s suicide death to combat-related PTSD, granting military death benefits could bring a measure of comfort and a great deal of closure for survivors. Military dependents might be eligible to receive income, financial support for childcare, health insurance, and other VA benefits.”

I lived in a small California town during the Vietnam War. Our town had the highest deaths from that war per capita of any place in the nation.  I saw classmates and friends who did come back who were totally broken. We all see homeless veterans on the streets who have not been able to adapt back into society. We owe it to all veterans to be sure they have the best of care and benefits for their whole lives for what they have done for us.  We tend to take this service for granted and way too many people only offer judgement.

In answer to Dean’s question, Can We Honor Deaths by Suicide on Memorial Day? I say yes, absolutely, without question. We must offer them our deepest gratitude.

 

 

Why mental health advocates use the words ‘died by suicide’

https://www.nbcnews.com/better/health/why-mental-health-advocates-use-words-died-suicide-ncna880546

 

Can We Honor Deaths by Suicide on Memorial Day?

https://www.militarytimes.com/opinion/commentary/2022/05/26/can-we-honor-deaths-by-suicide-on-memorial-day/

 

The Love Always Project

https://www.lovealwaysproject.org

 

The Importance of End of Life Planning

https://shows.acast.com/grief-happiness/episodes/the-importance-of-end-of-life-planning-with-dean-lambert 

 

 

 

You can join the Grief and Happiness Alliance which meets weekly on Sundays by clicking here: https://www.griefandhappiness.com/offers/ytK7eLBa

You can order Loving and Living Your Way Through Grief by clicking here at Amazon.

You can listen to my podcast, Grief and Happiness, here. https://podcasts.apple.com/us/podcast/loving-and-living-your-way-through-grief-with/id1509589686?i=1000535381763

I would be happy to put you on the reminder list for or Writing Together Through Grief occurring on Saturdays each week by sending an email to me to emily@lovingandlivingyourwaythroughgrief.com and giving me your email address.

Join my Facebook group here.

 

 

 

Are You Willing?

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I was just reading about a woman devastated by grief.  For the first year, she couldn’t smile or laugh. Her body hurt. Her heart hurt. Breathing hurt. She had no interest in anything even if it was something she had loved before. She had memory challenges. Food didn’t interest her. He weight dropped significantly. She didn’t read or watch tv or go out with friends. Suddenly, I realized that this was a description of me after Jacques died.

As I reflected on my situation, I realized that I wasn’t aware at the time that I had essentially checked out emotionally after Jacques died. That happened with my mother, too, when my father died. She stopped smiling, and she didn’t talk very much at all. My sister’s husband died in their bed, so she had the bed removed from her room and lived in her recliner in front of the tv which was always on. That’s where she stayed for years.

The thing that my mom, my sister, and I had in common with these situations was that we weren’t willing to change. My mom and sister just didn’t know how to be without their husbands, and initially, I didn’t either. What was different for me was I realized that I couldn’t survive in that place of emptiness. I had to change my thinking, and only I could do that on my own.

I started reading. I read Marci Shimoff’s Happy for No Reason because I did want to be happy, and at the same time, I couldn’t figure out how I could be happy alone. That book was rich with examples of people who were so much worse off than I who were truly happy, and I figured if they could be happy, so could I!

I read Lynn Twist’s the Soul of Money and that totally changed my perception of the importance of money in my life and how to best handle it. I gave away so many copies of that book because I loved it so much. My new attitude toward money allowed a sense of control and freedom in my life that I didn’t know I had been craving.

I had two friends that suggested I watch the movie The Secret. So, I watched it. I didn’t think that what they were saying about manifestation could be true. Then I thought I didn’t have anything to lose, so I tried manifesting little things, and discovered that I could actually decide how I wanted my life to be, and that I could make it happen, and I did.

I also started keeping a gratitude list.  That was hard for me to start because I thought I didn’t have anything to be grateful for since my husband died. Once I started writing out everything I could think of that I was grateful for, I realized that my life was good. I didn’t have to start from scratch to move forward. Knowing that my life was solid and secure, I could look ahead and focus on how my life was different now, and I started enjoying what I was doing.

The big revelation to me was that I was only able to make my life the best it could be under the circumstances was to be willing to change. Just because things weren’t the same as they were before Jacques’ death, that didn’t mean everything was bad. When I finally was willing to look at everything differently and to appreciate what I had and to be open to changes, then I could move forward. And I did. And I am thrilled that I did.  My life is so good now, and I am happier than I ever have been.

Are you willing to feel better, to breathe easier, to start enjoying your life again? What one thing can you do right now that will help you be open to your new, beautiful life? Please do whatever that is.  Take good care of your precious self in the process.

 

 

You can join the Grief and Happiness Alliance which meets weekly on Sundays by clicking here: https://www.griefandhappiness.com/offers/ytK7eLBa

You can order Loving and Living Your Way Through Grief by clicking here at Amazon.

You can listen to my podcast, Grief and Happiness, here. https://podcasts.apple.com/us/podcast/loving-and-living-your-way-through-grief-with/id1509589686?i=1000535381763

I would be happy to put you on the reminder list for or Writing Together Through Grief occurring on Saturdays each week by sending an email to me to emily@lovingandlivingyourwaythroughgrief.com and giving me your email address.

Join my Facebook group here.

 

Don’t Wait!

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My amazing granddaughter, Katie Thiroux, is a fabulous Jazz Singer and upright bass musician and is loved by all-time jazz great Quincy Jones who calls her “Katie-Toes.”. Quincy told her “Be prepared for the opportunities you want. Don’t wait.” Her response to this sage advice is “It’s not about perfection, it’s about being ready IN THE MOMENT.” What a wise woman she is.  She has followed her own advice and has performed all over the world in amazing venues, her podcast, The Hump where she interviews her favorite jazz artists every week, is crazy popular, and she teaches wherever she goes.  I love that she says, “I received amazing opportunities growing up and I am thankful to be in a position to give back, it’s my duty, dig?”

How inspiring is that! I love to follow her example.  This year I am participating in Marci Shimoff’s Your Year of Miracles. One of our activities is to create a theme for the year.  Mine is “Inspired Fulfilled Opportunities.”  I have been paying attention to this intention I set, and I realized I am inspired all the time, but this inspiration is wasted if I don’t pay attention to it. And my inspired intentions easily come to fruition when I commit to acting toward them. And recognizing the opportunities that come my way, I pay attention and act on them and voila! There they are! Isn’t that grand?

Much of my life, I wasn’t paying enough attention to inspiration. I would reflect and say, “If only I had done that when I had the chance.” Do you do that, regret actions you didn’t take? That’s the first step: recognizing what you didn’t do. Now that you can see that, you can change that behavior. If you think something like, “I wish I knew how to draw pictures, or sing, or play the bass,” what happens if you don’t take action? Nothing. That’s right, no action, no benefits. Now that you recognize that, when you say “I would love to be able to (fill in the blank),” you know exactly what to do. Take action on your desire. That’s the only way you will get it.

My friend invited me to help him with a grief retreat that’s coming up.  I’ve been thinking for a couple of years about how much I would love to be in on the planning of a grief retreat to be sure happiness is included, and I got asked to do just that. In the past, I could see myself talking me out of doing this. Not this time! We are going full steam ahead to help create an amazing retreat at Unity Village in October!  I hope you’ll come! Actually, I know you will come if you follow your inspiration to do so.

What are you ready for right now? Have you been putting off taking a class, hosting friends for a game night, dancing to a live band all because of the pandemic? If you are ready, take action! Of course, there are still considerations to stay safe, but you know how to do that. Or have you been thinking you should donate to something to help the people of Ukraine but you haven’t yet because there are so many choices you could make. Don’t let choices paralyze you. Take action on what you believe in.

What advantages have you had in your life that inspire you to give back in honor of that? I learned so much from learning how to play the flute, and I put that into use when I was in my high school band, which was an exceptional group. From doing that, I learned so many values, like integrity, dependability, kindness, and self-confidence. I took what I learned there into raising my children, teaching my classes, writing my books, creating my live theatre and school of arts, and supporting Maui Jazz Camp that Katie and her very talented husband drummer Matt Witek created. All these opportunities enriched my life as well as the lives of all those involved.

How can you give back? What can you say yes to? What kindness that someone did for you can you pay forward by helping someone else?

Would you love to be happy? You can! Just pay attention to your inspiration. Stay open. Stay ready. And say yes!

 

 

Sign up here for the very special gathering of the Grief and Happiness Alliance where we’ll introduce you to what we do. A great place to make friends! https://www.griefandhappiness.com/special-events

 

You can join the Grief and Happiness Alliance which meets weekly on Sundays by clicking here: https://www.griefandhappiness.com/offers/ytK7eLBa

You can order Loving and Living Your Way Through Grief by clicking here at Amazon.

You can listen to my podcast, Grief and Happiness, here. https://podcasts.apple.com/us/podcast/loving-and-living-your-way-through-grief-with/id1509589686?i=1000535381763

I would be happy to put you on the reminder list for or Writing Together Through Grief occurring on Saturdays each week by sending an email to me to emily@lovingandlivingyourwaythroughgrief.com and giving me your email address.

Join my Facebook group here.