memories

How to Get There From Here

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Sometimes out of the blue, you’ll hear a song or smell a fragrance that reminds you of your loved one and the tears start. You may find yourself saying “Am I ever going to get over this? Will a time come when I don’t get blindsided by a remark someone makes that reminds me of my loss?” Those things are always going to happen. However, your reaction to them change over time.

Try this. Next time you find yourself avoiding ordering the delivery food you loved to share, make a list of new foods you have thought would be fun to try but you haven’t yet. Do a web search and see if there is something where you live that could be amazing and new and different if you only tried it. Depending on where you live, you probably have lots of choices. Where I live, I would never be able to try all the different Poke combinations, and since I haven’t eaten that with anyone before, it doesn’t come with memories

You may be like me where once I find something I really like from one restaurant, I tend not to order anything different, but there are so many others on the menu! Be bold. Be adventurous.  A friend was just telling me about a luscious octopus salad she had at a new nearby place.  I may just try it since she made it sound so good! By doing this, you’re making new memories. The new memories can be pleasant and make you smile instead of focusing on the food you used to like to share.

Music can be a trigger for me. Jacques loved Bach and Mozart and Ron loved all kinds of jazz.  Before I met either one of them, I hadn’t heard lots of either of those music genres, but I came to love them when I heard them do often.  Now I can listen to either and smile and relax, but it took a while to get there. I discovered other music that I love now and make new memories for myself. I’ve gained such and appreciation for Hawaiian music, and I dearly love Michael Franti. He’s an amazing musician with a giant heart always finding ways to help people and create great music.

And I know it’s sometimes habit to start feeling emotions come up that threaten to bring you down, so you start avoiding or suppressing your grief, and that just leads to more avoiding and suppressing. Feeling like you are wrapped in a bubble of sorrow, and the more sorrow you feel, the bigger the bubble gets.  When this happens, you find yourself holding on to that sadness so as not to pop the bubble and expose yourself to everyone and you don’t know how you’ll bear that. The thing is lots of the sad experiences you have, when you really look closely, you probably had a hand in making them get as bad as they got.

Sometimes the best thing to do is just let it all out.  Cry as long as you need to. Write all about it. Get down to the depths of those feelings. Let it all out. By feeling your feelings, eventually you will want to feel something different.  When that happens, focus on the opposite of those feelings.

What brings you joy? Do that. What makes you smile? Do that. When are you compassionate? Bring that on! You’ll find the more your do these types of things, the less time you will be thinking about what brings you down. You can create an amazing new you with great feelings.

Don’t be surprised if you are triggered by something that reminds you of your sorrow. When that happens, remind yourself of all that’s good and beautiful in your life, and the sorrow will start to fade.

Remember, life is good, and in the words of that Beatles song that everyone knows: “All you need is love.” And that love starts with loving yourself. The more you do, the more happiness you will have in your life.

 

You can join the Grief and Happiness Alliance which meets weekly on Sundays by clicking here: https://www.griefandhappiness.com/offers/ytK7eLBa

You can order Loving and Living Your Way Through Grief by clicking here at Amazon.

You can listen to my podcast, Grief and Happiness, here. https://podcasts.apple.com/us/podcast/loving-and-living-your-way-through-grief-with/id1509589686?i=1000535381763

I would be happy to put you on the reminder list for or Writing Together Through Grief occurring on Saturdays each week by sending an email to me to emily@lovingandlivingyourwaythroughgrief.com and giving me your email address.

Join my Facebook group here.

Bird Lessons

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A new pet has adopted me.  I probably wouldn’t have chosen him.  He just ended up in my yard and decided it was the place for him to be.  My son even named him Rodney the Rooster.  Roosters are ubiquitous in Hawaii. You’ll see them at airports, in parking lots, and at outdoor restaurants. Unfortunately, Rodney didn’t learn the lesson about crowing at sunrise. He crows all night and during the daytime, too.  Now he brought home a lady friend, and I am OK with that since he’s not quite as noisy, and together they feed on bugs that visit my garden, especially my roses. Watching him strut around my property, I started thinking about all the birds in my life.

When I was a child, a neighbor built an aviary in his back yard. I could hear all the birds and just had to see what they looked like, so I ventured out to peek over his fence.  He noticed me and invited me in.  I was fascinated. He was raising parakeets to sell to the store in town that sold birds, cages, and bird food.  He taught me how to take care of them, feeding them and cleaning up the aviary. He even taught me how to clip their wings. I was so much help to him that he gave me a light blue parakeet and a cage, with my parents’ permission of course. I very carefully clipped my bird’s wings so he wouldn’t be able to fly away from me. Unfortunately, he couldn’t fly away from my sister’s cat either.  The last I saw of him was his tail feathers sticking out of the cat’s mouth. I was devastated with this early lesson on life and death.

A favorite bird we had after I was married was a finch amazon parrot. He was huge, beautiful, and loud. He used to say “Hello pretty boy” all the time, and our whole neighborhood knew when it was dawn. We learned to cover his cage at night which fooled him into thinking that it wasn’t dawn until his cage was uncovered.  We had to leave for a couple of days, so we made sure he had plenty of food and water like we had before whenever we went away.  This time though, somehow, he managed to knock over his water, so we found that beautiful boy laying in the bottom of his cage when we returned home.  I felt responsible. It broke my heart.

I was done with birds, and then we were given 2 little love birds. They we so cute and sweet with each other.  Then one of them got sick, then I got sick, then the other one got sick, and they both died.  We buried them in the backyard. This happened at a time I didn’t have health insurance and I got very ill. I was sure I had pneumonia. I couldn’t eat, couldn’t sleep.  My breathing was difficult, and I had a bad cough. A friend dropped by who happened to be a veterinarian, and he diagnosed me with psittacosis (parrot fever) because the birds had died, and he and told me what the prescription was that I needed.  Fortunately, my aunt was able to get a prescription for me from the doctor she worked for. We had to dig up the birds and give them to the health department who confirmed the psittacosis.

I learned about life and death, and about the responsibility of having birds for pets.  I decided to only enjoy birds in nature from then on. Moving to Maui has allowed me to do just that. There are so many chickens here, and they always seem to be crossing the road. I am surprised we don’t have Chicken Crossing signs, but they’d have to be everywhere!

Ron and I would sit on our lanai, called a deck on the mainland, and listen to the amazing birds singing, especially in the morning.  So many different songs! They would come and play in the water of our fountain close to the lanai. They almost always were in pairs and were beautiful to watch, especially the cardinals. Ron would go outside at dawn every morning to watch the cattle egrets fly in formation up the volcano we live on the side of.  They always flew right over our house. I think Ron attracted them.

I loved to watch the birds gather components for their nest building.  I am amazed what they found to use.  One bird had a thin piece of plastic that flowed all the way down to the ground. We watched as bit by bit that little bird got all of it into the tree.  I imagined him sharing with his fellow birds since there are so many of them!

I am grateful that I learned the importance of the freedom of the birds.  They don’t live by arbitrary rules that we make up when we capture them. Being free, their songs seem joyful. I’ll continue to listen to all these beautiful birds and take the time to enjoy their lovely songs. And I relish their company even at this distance.

 

You can join the Grief and Happiness Alliance which meets weekly on Sundays by clicking here: https://www.griefandhappiness.com/offers/ytK7eLBa

You can order Loving and Living Your Way Through Grief by clicking here at Amazon.

You can listen to my podcast, Grief and Happiness, here. https://podcasts.apple.com/us/podcast/loving-and-living-your-way-through-grief-with/id1509589686?i=1000535381763

I would be happy to put you on the reminder list for or Writing Together Through Grief occurring on Saturdays each week by sending an email to me to emily@lovingandlivingyourwaythroughgrief.com and giving me your email address.

Join my Facebook group here.

Story Telling

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My family lived through the Depression, yet I never would have known that had I not taken a US History class in high school. People just didn’t talk about those days. Actually, my family didn’t talk much about the past at all. I was a curious child, but there were no answers for me. I was a young adult before I started getting any answers.  All my grandparents were gone by then.

I asked my father’s older sister about his childhood, and she did tell me a few things. Their mother died when Daddy was young from milk leg, that’s what we call thrombophlebitis. This happened when she was giving birth to twins and all three of them died.  Dad’s two older sisters, my dad, and their father had a wagon they took from one oilfield job to the next in Oklahoma. They slept in a tent in the snow until the ten caught on fire and burned all their possessions.  At one point, Daddy had to walk close to an Indian Reservation on his way to school. His mother was Native American, and he looked very much like her.   His sisters were terrified that he would be kidnapped and taken to the Reservation to live, so every morning they would powder him with flour to dull his beautiful bronze coloring.

Daddy and his family migrated to California in 1929 just when the dust bowl started.  I was in an original play when I was in college that was created from the oral history project of the Oakie migration.  I tried to get Daddy to share stories of that time, but he wouldn’t talk about it.   I think he was embarrassed. I missed so much.

I didn’t know much about my mother’s family either.  She had 4 sisters and one brother.  I didn’t even know my grandmother had been married twice, and one sister and her brother was from that marriage.  I found that out when long after my grandmother died, and I was cleaning out my mother’s garage.  I found a pile of letters all tied up with a pretty bow. The letters turned out to be between Grandma and her first husband. He worked about 30 miles away from where they lived, so they only got together on weekends. He got sick at work one day, so they put him on a train to go to the nearest hospital.  He died of appendicitis on the way. Their letters and all the condolence letters people sent to grandma were beautiful and filled with love.

My growing up stories had to do with my parents being involved with Veterans of Foreign Wars. Even though we lived in a small town in central California, my Dad was able raise through the ranks to become Department (California) Commander. Mom and Dad traveled lots to meetings while I stayed with my grandmother or aunts.  I did get to go along on a couple of trips. One was to Detroit for a national convention where two presidential candidates spoke, John F, Kennedy, and Richard Nixon, then Vice President of the United States.  I attended both their speeches, and I got to actually touch Kennedy and shake hands with Nixon. I shook with amazement for days.

In the summer after sixth grade, we drove from California to Miami Beach for another convention. We had wonderful stops along the way at the Grand Canyon, Carlsbad Caverns, New Orleans, and more. What affected me most as an 11-year-old was seeing signs for White’s Only and Colored Only drinking fountains and on restaurant doors. My parents couldn’t explain to me why those were there. I started trying to learn all I could about something that just didn’t make sense to me.

I could continue to write about experiences I have had that led me to be who I am today.  These things are all my story, my beliefs, my priorities. Telling stories is an art that is passed down through generations. Our stories introduce who we are.  In my book I share stories of my grief and the grief that other people have experienced.  Often it is easier to get a point across when prefaced by a story.

What stories do you tell? What stories have you not shared? What stories do you want to be remembered for?

Tell your story.

Start now—

 

 

You can join the Grief and Happiness Alliance which meets weekly on Sundays by clicking here: https://www.griefandhappiness.com/offers/ytK7eLBa

You can order Loving and Living Your Way Through Grief by clicking here at Amazon.

You can listen to my podcast, Grief and Happiness, here. https://podcasts.apple.com/us/podcast/loving-and-living-your-way-through-grief-with/id1509589686?i=1000535381763

I would be happy to put you on the reminder list for or Writing Together Through Grief occurring on Saturdays each week by sending an email to me to emily@lovingandlivingyourwaythroughgrief.com and giving me your email address.

Join my Facebook group here.

Be Willing

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I spend time online each day with the social media I do to help people deal with grief, and lately I keep hearing the same theme.  People say that things will never be the same, that they have lost so much, and they feel lost. I’ve had times that I have felt that way too. I get sentimental about not having someone to hold hands with, to talk to intimately, to kiss, to laugh with, to share my bed. When I would start feeling this way, I would write or meditate, or just sit and think about how wonderful those experiences were.

I know I won’t have those exact experience again. No one does. Each moment in our lives is different.  When I remind myself of that, I start thinking about how each day is a new day, an opportunity to start to do different things or do things differently.  As I reflect on my life I am amazed at the experiences, the opportunities I’ve had.  I think about all the miraculous adventures, the breathtaking art, the first smiles of a baby.

When we can start to shift gear, to focus on what makes us happy instead of what makes us sad, or made us sad in the past, then we can start lifting our heads, looking forward, becoming aware.  That awareness allows us to take slow deep breaths again and feel how wonderful that fresh air feels.

I invite you find someplace beautiful and quiet to sit imagining your loved one sitting next to you. Enjoy that feeling knowing that in that moment there is no physical pain, no suffering. All that is gone now, and you can just relish the closeness. Then tell your loved one about something new you are doing that feels good. It could be finding new things to cook for yourself, planting seeds in your garden for spring flowers, walking in a forest or on a beach. It could be reading a great book or enjoying a movie or enjoying a conversation with a friend. As you are sharing all this, start to realize that you are relaxing as you speak. Tension flows away. You can feel all that love which remains.

At this moment you realize that your loved one is smiling, delighted that you can smile, you can appreciate all that is good and beautiful. I can imagine the relief my loved one would feel knowing that I wasn’t trapped in an unrelenting sorrow, that I am taking one step at a time to move forward, never discarding all the love I will always have for each of my loved ones who is no longer physically with me. Just by being willing, being open, we all can allow ourselves to celebrate the wonder and awe that awaits our awareness.

Be willing—

 

 

You can join the Grief and Happiness Alliance which meets weekly on Sundays by clicking here: https://www.griefandhappiness.com/offers/ytK7eLBa

You can order Loving and Living Your Way Through Grief by clicking here at Amazon.

You can listen to my podcast, Grief and Happiness, here. https://podcasts.apple.com/us/podcast/loving-and-living-your-way-through-grief-with/id1509589686?i=1000535381763

I would be happy to put you on the reminder list for or Writing Together Through Grief occurring on Saturdays each week by sending an email to me to emily@lovingandlivingyourwaythroughgrief.com and giving me your email address.

Join my Facebook group here.

Stumbling Through Grief

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How would you describe the path for your grief?  Does it seem like there should be a map or a guidebook or a plan that says “First you do this. Then that. Then you go through something else. And after a while it’s done.” When you look at it like that, it sounds silly.  And the one thing grief is not for sure is silly.

There are no classes we can take or books that we can read or lectures we can listen to that will have us completely prepared for the grief we face. And grieving for one loved one is not going to be the same as grieving for the next loved one to die. Trust me. I know.  I have grieved and am grieving for way too many people. But we do need to accept that grieving is a part of life, something we can’t get out of.  We may try to ignore it, but that doesn’t work so well.

Take a moment to think about how you were affected by grief for the first person you really loved died. For me it was my grandmother. When I was growing up, I spent much time staying with my grandmother as my parents frequently traveled for commitments to an organization, they were both devoted to. I’ve got to admit that I was a bit jealous of that organization because I wanted them to pay that attention to me, but they didn’t seem to have time. And I realize I reflected that I resented my grandmother, not for anything she did, but simply because she wasn’t them.

My grandmother lived alone.  We had just moved into a house where my mother didn’t want to live, and we were struggling.  I had a nightmare one night about my grandmother, and I tried to convince my mom to call grandma to be sure she was OK.  For two days I asked her. Then mom finally went to check on her two days later.  We were told that she had probably died a couple of days before, alone. I was so distraught. That haunted me for years.  I kept thinking I should have done something. I made up scenarios of what could have happened so that she wouldn’t have to die.

I was an adult before I realized that I couldn’t have done something at my age, but I carried that experience for many years, worrying about anyone I thought might die.  Early experiences can color our view of death and dying and mourning. Then AIDS happened, and since I was so involved in the arts, I actually lost count of how many people I loved or admired that disappeared from my life. And working as an ambulance attendant and a nurse, people just kept dying.

I realize now that I handled each death in my life experience differently, and I think we all do. And I carried forward what I learned from these experiences. Sometimes I was heartbroken, and other times I was frustrated or empty. At times I felt sad or felt I did something wrong or not as kind as it should have been, but I learned from those instances, and I did better the next time. I’ve stumbled through the process of letting people go, not willingly losing them. And I recognize now that I did the best I could with what I knew at the time, and I have forgiven myself for any errors I perceived in the process.

I now am comfortable with the knowledge that we all experience so much loss in our lives, and that loss can make us more aware of how precious each moment is. I now focus on and practice and experience all that I do through the lens of kindness, comfort, support, and especially love and happiness. My wish for you is that you focus on what you do have now and all the love and wonder you have experienced to make each moment of your life the best it can be. Release the stumbling, be easy on yourself, and move forward. The deeper we fall, the higher we can soar.

 

You can join the Grief and Happiness Alliance which meets weekly on Sundays by clicking here: https://www.griefandhappiness.com/offers/ytK7eLBa

You can order Loving and Living Your Way Through Grief by clicking here at Amazon.

You can listen to my podcast, Grief and Happiness, here. https://podcasts.apple.com/us/podcast/loving-and-living-your-way-through-grief-with/id1509589686?i=1000535381763

I would be happy to put you on the reminder list for or Writing Together Through Grief occurring on Saturdays each week by sending an email to me to emily@lovingandlivingyourwaythroughgrief.com and giving me your email address.

Join my Facebook group here.

Paying it Forward

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I watched a movie in the year 2000 that had a profound effect on the rest of my life. Pay it Forward is the story of a junior high school student who did a project for his social studies class. The premise is that when he did something of value for someone else, instead of that person paying him back, he told the person who was willing to pay for his services to instead to do something of value for someone else, or preferably do something for two or three more people.

This movie was so inspiring to me that I have incorporated the concept into my life, paying forward good deeds often.  A big example of this for me was when I owned and operated a live theatre and school of arts.  I started the school because funding to schools where I lived had severely cut back arts classes which they deemed as unnecessary. In my life, I knew I wouldn’t have made it through school without the drama, band, and visual arts classes I took. That was where I excelled in school, and it was where I learned to read when traditional teaching methods had failed me.

When I first started the school, I discovered that only wealthy families enrolled their children, and the kids weren’t that interested in being there.  So I held a meeting with everyone I could think of who was involved in the arts in my community. I told the attendees that I wanted any student who wanted to take arts classes to be able to come whether their family could afford it or not.  The people who came to the meeting agreed and formed a nonprofit organization that not only did fund raisers to ensure that the classes were full, but they also wrote grants that allowed foster children to always be accepted without charge, and they wrote grants for special projects. One project invited teens to work on teen pregnancy prevention by having a group of interested teens come together to write a production based on experiences of teen parents. They also performed in the production they wrote and took it to schools in the area who also provided counselors to talk with any of the students who attended when they reached out for more information.

I discovered that the more people got involved in the theatre and school, the more people that they brought in got involved also. By being involved with what happened at the school and theatre, all the participants brought more participants.  My husband Jacques also loved to be involved.  When his health declined, he was there less and less, and I was gone more and more dealing with his care. I realized that he needed me with him full time, so I approached the board of the nonprofit and offered them the business I had created because I wanted it to still serve the community and all the people who participated in the school and theatre. They graciously accepted.  Giving this gift to the community is one of the highlights of my life.

What can you do to Pay it Forward?  A friend of mine had the person who had been in front of her in the line at the grocery store pay for her groceries.  She had no idea who it was, but she was so happy because it really helped her at that time.  Other ways to pay it forward would be to hold the door open for someone or donate clothes you no longer wear or items you don’t use to a local thrift store who serves an organization you believe in. Or you could donate towels and blankets to the local animal shelter or pick up litter in your community. Think about what you already do or what you could start doing.

All the people of the world are part of one giant community. We can all thrive by taking care of each other in whatever ways we can. We can become a society of service as opposed to opposing, selfish groups.  The way my first boss oriented me to a service job was by telling me to treat my customers how I wanted to be treated. Just think how much better things could be if we all do that!

What does all this have to do with grief? Simple. As we focus on what we can do for others, we will feel better while helping others to feel better too. What can you do?

 

You can join the Grief and Happiness Alliance which meets weekly on Sundays by clicking here: https://www.griefandhappiness.com/offers/ytK7eLBa

You can order Loving and Living Your Way Through Grief by clicking here at Amazon.

You can listen to my podcast, Grief and Happiness, here. https://podcasts.apple.com/us/podcast/loving-and-living-your-way-through-grief-with/id1509589686?i=1000535381763

I would be happy to put you on the reminder list for or Writing Together Through Grief occurring on Saturdays each week by sending an email to me to emily@lovingandlivingyourwaythroughgrief.com and giving me your email address.

Join my Facebook group here.