The Grief and Happiness Alliance

reclaiming your joy

Grief and Celebration

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I was talking to my new friend Stavros this morning. He is Greek and grew up in Greece. He shared his first experience of a celebration after death, and said it was such a positive experience.  Everyone was laughing and talking about the fun they had throughout their lives with the dearly departed. Stavros grew up without fear of death because of this early experience.

This reminded me of Dia de los Muertos, a celebration in Mexico where the belief is that the souls of the deceased loved ones return on November 1 of every year where their families and friends can celebrate their lives. This colorful celebration is filled with food and laughter.

When my husband Jacques died, his celebration was at our theatre.  He had loved to sing and act there. His good friend Mike Huey put together a performance based on the play Our Town and filled with music and loving tributes from friends.

My husband Ron died at our home in Maui. Hawaii.  Our friend Shena put together a gathering where friends and family sang, did spoken word, and shared fond memories. This was put facilitated by Kimokea, an honored Hawaiian Kupuna, who dressed in his cultural grab and only spoke Hawaiian for the ceremony. The we all got into canoes and paddled out into the ocean to scatter Ron’s ashes and the flowers that those attending brought from their yards.

As a child, all the funerals I attended were so sad. Lots of black clothing and tears. I always at in the back, away from the open casket that I didn’t want to look into.  I wanted instead to remember my grandmother’s hugs and my grandfather’s caring for me. I am so relieved that as I have reached this point in my life that those around me have been choosing the lightness and joy of tributes, performances, and love for our celebrations now.

How does your culture celebrate the passing of loved ones?  What memories do you have of the celebrations of life you have attended for your loved ones? I am writing some wishes for my celebration, but honestly, my hope is that those whose love me will celebrate in the way they would most like to remember me. What is your hope?

 

You can order Loving and Living Your Way Through Grief  by clicking here at Amazon.

I would be happy to put you on the reminder list for or Writing Together Through Grief occurring on Saturdays each week by sending an email to me to emily@lovingandlivingyourwaythroughgrief.com and giving me your email address.

Join my Facebook group here.

Loving Yourself

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Often while grieving we are hard on ourselves, expecting us to have superpowers to break through grief, then being disappointed when that happens. We also have periods of sadness we feel like it will never be over. And we may not be taking good care of us physically by doing things like staying in pajamas, not doing laundry, not bathing as often as we used to, letting our hair get dirty, not going to the gym, or not going for a walk. Not eating mindfully. Does any of this familiar to you? All of these are things you may experience during grief. The key with this is to recognize what you are doing and make an effort to do something different.

Having the strength to do anything may seem daunting.  Try picking just one thing and work your way through it until you can release it.  For instance, if in sadness you are just sitting, try standing up and stretching then find something to do, like call a friend, get a nice cool glass of water, and drink it, read a funny book, or watch a funny movie. If you are still in your pajamas, get dressed even if you aren’t planning on going someplace.  If you are dressed, you are more likely to leave the house or even answer the door.

Take a nice long bath or shower. I always feel so much better after I bathe. This seems to bring a delightfully energy to me. In my early days of grief, sometimes getting in the shower was just too hard to do. If you find yourself feeling this way, ask yourself some questions like will bathing help you feel better? Will you smell better? Will you be able to sleep better? Will you be more likely to visit with someone?  If you answer yes to any of these questions, go bathe now!

Are you moving enough?  I started walking just around my block. Then my walks got longer, and eventually I got back into the pool, and I went to the gym.  What kind of movement would you like to do?  How about gentle yoga, or just doing nice stretches a home. YouTube has a wealth of yoga demonstrations, as well as videos on Tai Chi and Qi Gong.  I love to do Qi Gong and meditate afterward. This allows me to release anything that is bothering me, and it makes me feel so good!

Are you eating too much or eating things that are healthy? Or maybe you are forgetting to eat, or you just don’t get around to eating.  I lost a lot of weight each time my husbands died. Eating just wasn’t a priority. This led to a great weakness, so I started being mindful for eating.  I committed to eating healthy, non-processed foods three times a day with one healthy snack. I started finding or creating new recipes which were easy just for me. If you are eating too much, try developing a relationship with your shopping cart. Make it a no candy, no cookies, no soda, and no chips zone. Treat your shopping cart well and it will serve you!

When you start to get down, recognize what is happening, and put your hands over your heart, take a deep breath and say, “I am happy.” Next breathe say “I am beautiful.” Next breath say, “I take good care of myself.” Then talk one more breath and say, “I love me.”

Doing what I recommend here is your map to happiness, and remember to smile always. Smiling along will make you feel so much better!

 

You can order Loving and Living Your Way Through Grief  by clicking here at Amazon.

I would be happy to put you on the reminder list for or Writing Together Through Grief occurring on Saturdays each week by sending an email to me to emily@lovingandlivingyourwaythroughgrief.com and giving me your email address.

Join my Facebook group here.

 

Taking Care of Yourself

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I had a good friend who was there for me years ago when I was struggling with my grief.  My parents had died, and I had such a big hole in my life. My Dad died first, suddenly, and I had so much to do with helping mom deal with all that needed to be done, and I had a family to take care of, and two jobs. What that all led to for me was blocking my dealing with my own grief. My mom lived a few more years.  I had so much to do for her. I ended up bringing her to live with me which was challenging because of the effects of the brain tumor she had. For the last few months of her life, she finally consented to have someone stay with her around the clock at her home. She lived an hour away from me, so there were many hours of driving. And after she died, she left so much for me to take care of.

I simply didn’t have time to grieve, so I tucked my grief away where it seemed to grow and fester.  At that time, I had a close friend. He knew my mom, and he had dealt with the death of his mother years before. He was safe. I didn’t have to put on my public front that I had been using for work and my other activities. I didn’t have to be strong like I felt I needed to be for my children and my husband who were all close to mom and relied on me to support them through their grief. He was just there with no demands or expectations of me.

I could tell him anything about what I was experiencing, and I knew he wouldn’t judge me. He just listened to me as I felt sorry for myself or got frustrated with the situation. And he didn’t tell me what I needed to do. I really didn’t want advice. I just wanted to talk.

There were also times when I didn’t want to talk, and he was OK with that. He didn’t make me feel guilty about what I was or wasn’t doing. I know that he couldn’t “make me” feel anything, but having others have expectations of me was a challenge.  I only took one day off from my teaching job when mom died, and one day off for her funeral. Even though I worked full time, I was not entitled to bereavement leave. I was expected to continue working at the same level without anyone even noticing how hard that was, how fragile I felt.

When he noticed that I wasn’t eating, he’d bring me food.  He didn’t ask me if I wanted something to eat, he just brought me familiar foods and he would eat with me knowing that I probably wouldn’t eat if he wasn’t there.  He also noticed when something needed fixing and just fixed it without me asking him to. His kindness allowed me to breathe when I felt under great pressure.

I have been asked about self-care, what that actually means for grieving. In answering that question, I reflected on my friend.  Caring for myself, I followed his example which would be a good start for you doing your own self-care. First, I didn’t put pressure on myself. I didn’t have to live up to anyone else’s expectations.  When I didn’t want to be around people, I chose to stay at home and read, watch a movie, or take a bubble bath. When I did want to go someplace, I would ask a friend to go with me which provided a buffer or escape if something came up that I didn’t want to face at the moment.

If I wanted to talk to someone, I would make a phone call. And if I didn’t want to talk to someone but needed to vent or deal with feelings, I got our my journal and write until I didn’t need to write anymore.

I would remember that I needed to eat, and I would make wise choices about which food would serve me best. I did, however, stop by the bakery that was close to campus for a maple bar and milk when I went in at early hours.  Treating myself occasionally to something special felt good, and I would smile. And I would notice when something needed to be done and take care of it. This felt good, too, knowing that I was capable of taking good care of myself.

I also started working on my smile. I realized that I didn’t have to have someone there to smile at.  I could smile just for me, and when I did smile, I felt better. I would practice smiling in the mirror, or I would find something funny to read or watch on television. Smiling seemed to release something inside of me that allowed me to feel good.

I encourage you to think about someone special who has taken care of you. Or think of a friend who was there right when you needed. Think also about any kindnesses people have done for you. Write these things in your journal, then when you are ready for some self-care, do these things for you. Pamper yourself. Wrap yourself up in your own love. Remember how special you are. And live your best life. This is the greatest self-care.

 

I would be happy to put you on the reminder list for or Writing Together Through Grief occurring on Saturdays each week by sending an email to me to emily@lovingandlivingyourwaythroughgrief.com and giving me your email address.

You can order Loving and Living Your Way Through Grief  by clicking here at Amazon.

Doodling Your Grief

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I can just hear you say, what does doodling have to do with grief? Think about it, what have you doodled in your life? I remember in junior high school the days seemed interminable. In my class notes, you could find a countdown for the number of minutes left in class, or you’d find my first named followed by the last name of whichever boy I had a crush on in the moment.  I would try out all the different styles of writing of what I dreamed my name would be.  So, again, what does that have to do with grief.

When I did my countdowns or my possible names, that was all I was focusing on.  I escaped into my doodles and away from the drone of the teacher I couldn’t bear to continue listing to.  Doodling when grieving can have the same effect. You can clear your thoughts and focus on the colors and shapes you choose as well as focusing on the movement of your hand.  Even if you think you can’t draw, everyone can doodle. I took a ceramics class from the wonderful ceramic artist Patricia Griffin, and she showed us how we could doodle on clay.  The picture at the top of this page is a ceramic bowl I made and doodled on.  And here is a picture of a cheese board I created in Patricia’s Iclass. You can look up on Google and see the beautiful work she does.

I like to start by drawing shapes on a piece of paper and then dividing up the shapes. Then I fill them in with more shapes and then colors.  The first picture here shows how I first sketch what I am going to doodle around with a pencil. Then I cover the pencil marks with a very fine rolling ball black pen; then I erase the pencil marks. I fill in what I outlined with colored pencils.  Of course, with doodling, you can do it any way you want to! You can also Google Zentangle and see all the images there. There are so many!

The key here is not how you do it. Rather, the key is to do it.  Get lost in your colors and lines. Relax, have fun, and totally forget about anything else as you do it.  Make it a form of meditation for you. Doodling has also been used for helping people deal with cancer and helping children deal with health issues.

I would love for you to find as many different ways as you can to deal with the different aspects of grieving. If you have found other creative ways to deal with grief, please share them with us in the comments below. We are all in this together, and we can all help each other out!

I would be happy to put you on the reminder list for or Writing Together Through Grief occurring on Saturdays each week by sending an email to me to emily@lovingandlivingyourwaythroughgrief.com and giving me your email address.

You can order Loving and Living Your Way Through Grief  by clicking here at Amazon.

 

Surrender

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Where are you right now? Are you where you want to be? Where you thought you would be? The one thing that can keep us stuck, feeling like we don’t know what to do, where to go, or who to be, is the struggle to be where we used to be or where we always wanted to be.

When dealing with the loss of a loved one, you know that things will never be the same. And that’s hard. You may have had that perfect husband or wife that you always dreamed of. Or you may have had a loving, caring mother or father that has always been a big part of your life. Or maybe your darling son or daughter died, or your best friend. Whoever it was, having that person present in your daily life has ended, and you can’t go back not matter how much you think you want to.

You never really dreamed about what it would be like to be without this special person in your life, and you can’t see your future without him or her. Since you can’t go back, and you can’t go forward, what you have left is right now.  The kindest thing you can do right now for yourself is to surrender to what has happened. Surrendering does not mean forgetting your love and your loss. Surrendering means recognizing that right now, in this moment, you are alive, and your loved one is not and will not be physically by your side anymore.

Dwelling in the past makes it impossible for you to deal with today and tomorrow. Surrendering to the knowledge that you are still here, and you have this moment to live, as well as the rest of your life, is powerful.  Immediately after a death, everything seems kind of surreal. You expect to see your loved one, or you want to talk to them, or you need their opinion on something. Not being able to pick up the phone and call them, or roll over in bed to snuggle, or fix them dinner is heartbreaking each time it happens, until you come to terms with your loss and surrender.

I am not encouraging you to forget them. They all are and will be a very special part of your life, but you will find that when you surrender to the lack of their physical presence, you will be able to take a deep breath. You will be able to focus on this moment, right now, and live only there. Lovingly reminisce about yesterday. Dream about all the wonders of your tomorrows. And right now, in this moment, live in gratitude for the one you loved, for the life you have, and for the possibilities waiting for you. Surrender to all things bright, and beautiful, and lovely, and keep your focus right here on the very special person you are and the wonderful present you create.

 

to join our Reclaim Your Joy Class, click here

Moments of Grief

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I have a wonderful studio that Ron had built for me when we moved to Maui. He knew I would miss the studio I had on the mainland, so he arranged for a bigger studio to be built here. As wonderful as my studio is, by the time it was completed, I needed to be with Ron most of the time, and even though the studio is on our property, it’s  far enough away from the house so that when time was of the essence when he had medical emergencies, I couldn’t get back up to the house fast enough. So, I didn’t spend much time there.

After Ron’s transition, I just couldn’t bring myself to go to the studio. Now, two years later, I am feeling creative again and have been appreciating what a wonderful gift studio is to me.  I was there a couple of days ago and was suddenly overcome by tears. I realized that it was a profound moment of missing him. When the tears slowed, I was able to complete what I was doing before I came back up to the house, though still a little shaken.

Ron used to spend much time on our lanai, Hawaiian for patio, where he would enjoy the beauty, the birds, the rainbows, and the butterflies that would actually come up and land on him. He told me that there would come a time that when I saw a butterfly or heard the birds or saw a rainbow, that I would know he was right there with me. Also, we got married on 1/1/11, so whenever I see 1111, I feel his presence also.

Since my episode at the studio, I have been a little fragile. I have moments of grief when I see something about someone dying on TV or someone mentions a loved one they are grieving for. But each time something comes up, the birds, the rainbows, or the butterflies or show up. And so does 1111. Yesterday I was talking on the phone with someone from a company who is helping with a big fundraising project I am working on. I am very excited about this project to raise funds for the Jazz Camp Maui my granddaughter has created. When I hung up, I looked at my phone and it was 11:11. Ron loved the idea of this camp, so I knew he is right here supporting my efforts. Think of what special things remind you of your loved one and notice when you see or experience them.

As the holidays are coming, we all are more prone to moments of grief which is perfectly natural as we go through this experience. The key is to stay in the moment and not get lost in the sorrow.  Think of how our loved one would want us to feel. Remember the joy of our love for them. Find little ways to celebrate that joy from writing or calling someone who is alone for the holidays, to volunteering someplace that could really use your help. Discover how wonderful life still is, and how much better it is because of the love you got to share.

 

Sign up for my free class to help you through the holidays.