The Grief and Happiness Alliance

reclaiming your joy

The Gifts You Give Blog

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This year seems to have flown by. November suddenly appeared on my calendar and all those end-of-year have-tos took over my mind like Christmas cards, gifts, gatherings, and special events. I took a deep breath and made a decision to be mindful this holiday season. I am making a list of all I think I should do, and when I finish that list, I will go back and eliminate anything that doesn’t make me happy. I already feel better about the season.

Of the items I have left on my list, I am planning when to accomplish them being sure not to plan them too close together to allow me the space to relax and enjoy what I do. For instance, I love to make Christmas cards. I’ve been thinking all year of the design for the front of the card. I have been using drawings that I have done for about five years. Since I have been doing watercolor painting this year, I am switching to that.

Ron and I wrote together the sentiment we put inside of every card. I’ve used those same words for about eight years, so this year I am writing something fresh. And I am creating those cards by the third week in November so they will be mailed at the start of December with no stress.

I am also creating a list of who I will give gifts to. I’ve noticed that I have been receiving fewer gifts each year, so this year I am examining my gift list to make thoughtful choices of the people I give gifts to. I used to feel obligated to give many gifts which was a burden on my time and resources. I see now that I was choosing to do that, and I no longer feel the need to make that choice. I feel relieved already!

Minimal decorations for my home will allow it to feel more spacious and showcase the items I have collected over the years that I cherish and bring me memories that make me smile. That way there is not as much put out and then put away later.

Taking the time to write this has allowed me to see that I am simplifying my December plans so much that have nothing to stress about this season. This is allowing me to experience the peace and grace of the season that I have been much too busy to enjoy in the past. This is the best gift I can give to myself.

What can you do now at the beginning of November to allow you to experience your best holiday season ever? Happy holidays!

 

You can join the Grief and Happiness Alliance which meets weekly on Sundays by clicking here

You can order the International Best Selling The Grief and Happiness Handbook by clicking here.

You can order Loving and Living Your Way Through Grief by clicking here at Amazon:

You can listen to my podcast, Grief and Happiness, by clicking here

Letting Go of Who You Used to Be

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After my husband died, I found myself sitting in my usual chair on the lani where we used to spend time every day. The sky was still cerulean with puffy clouds gently transforming as they drifted by. I felt his presence in his chair next to mine. Every day we were together here sharing deep conversations or just enjoying the view of our verdant yard overflowing with tropical fruits and flowers, listening to the melodious bird songs. But now his chair was empty, and I was adrift.

I had found deep contentment in my role as a wife. Our life was simple. As he was able to do less, I did more. We decided that our priority was to live in each moment recognizing the value of our time together. We often held hands and always cuddled in bed. During his frequent stays in the hospital, the nurses were amused that often found me at his side in bed. We loved our life together.

When I ultimately found myself alone, I had no idea how to move forward. All the roles I had played throughout my lifetime no longer applied.  I had been a wife, a lover, a mother, a teacher, a nurse, a caretaker, a business owner, a volunteer, a community servant, and so much more. I would try to meditate or just think of how I could start living my best life in my new situation. Ideas ricocheted through my brain colliding with each other until nothing made sense. Then I turned to my journal knowing that when I wrote my thoughts, I could organize them and create a new path just for me.

I wrote and wrote and wrote. I started one page in my journal with the words, “Who Am I.” As I explored that simple question, discovered that the roles I had been playing in my life mostly no longer applied. That was shocking. That page I had labeled “Who Am I” became “Who Was I.”  I was ready to start a new page, letting go of who I was and define who I am now.

On my new “Who I Am Now” page, I started by identifying what my life’s purpose is now. Lots of exploring my ideas by writing about them led me to my new purpose statement: “All I do focuses on giving and receiving unconditional love, promoting happiness, and providing comfort and support to others, especially to those who are dealing with grief and loss.” Once my purpose became clear to me, everything started falling into place.

I keep track of how I am fulfilling my purpose by writing in my journal every day.  I set goals, I record what I am grateful for, I include things that bring me joy every day, and I note how all I do now fits beautifully in my new life’s purpose.  I released the struggle of trying to figure everything out, and I accept the peace of knowing that I am on the path I am meant to travel.

Try letting go of the labels that no longer serve you and discover who you are now.

 

You can join the Grief and Happiness Alliance which meets weekly on Sundays by clicking here

You can order the International Best Selling The Grief and Happiness Handbook by clicking here.

You can order Loving and Living Your Way Through Grief by clicking here at Amazon:

You can listen to my podcast, Grief and Happiness, by clicking here

The People You Touch

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In early grief, self-isolation is common. Frequently, we are not interested in conversation and talking to anyone may seem like a chore. We may not even feel like getting out of bed or getting up off the couch. Being outside may feel insecure, so hibernating indoors, waiting for all the pain to fade away, may be the best thing we can do at that moment.

Eventually, the light starts to break through. Maybe it’s a particularly beautiful sunrise you step outside to fully experience. Or maybe you develop a craving for a certain food, so you venture to the corner store. Whatever the inspiration, inevitably, you’ll be ready to start moving forward.

Initially, your friends and family may have been checking up on you, but the longer you are isolated, the less frequently they reach out. Now that you are awakening, you see that the rest of the world has already moved on. What you are missing now is company, but you may be too tender to reach out.

If this is your situation, commit to self-care.  Start by daydreaming about what would feel good who you would enjoy being with. One of my friends decided to take me to the beach. I didn’t have much energy, so I sat in my beach chair while she went on a walk. Basking in the sunshine, I enjoyed the rhythm of the waves and the children’s laughter at the shore.  This felt so good, and I knew I was ready to bring myself to the beach next time and go for a walk.

Instead of waiting for someone else to come along and sweep me away, I signed up for a ceramics class. This was a safe space for me to observe, listen and learn. And feeling the clay in my hands again after so long was refreshing. I realized that my creativity nurtures me, and I decided to do more. I also enjoyed listening to the conversations of my fellow students and eventually joined in.

I gained strength by being with others, so I decided to create a group of people who were grieving and wanting to feel better. We could get together and write and share what we were writing. Strangers to each other at first, we became like family, caring for and supporting each other. And the group grew.

With Thanksgiving coming up, I had been dreading the holiday alone. Most people I knew already had plans for the day, so I decided to invite people I’d been missing to come to my house the week before Thanksgiving for a Friendsgiving celebration. Many people came and were thrilled to get together again. We ate and played music and games, having a wonderful time.

I realized I didn’t have to be alone. Many people had missed me and were at a loss of how to reconnect. Being with my friends, feeling the warmth of their care, I knew I was on my way forward, never to go back to the lonely, isolated place I’d been dwelling.

Now I know that while enjoying some alone time and rest, being with old and new friends is where I am meant to be. Now I facilitate gatherings, I take and teach classes, and I don’t hesitate to reach out when I desire company. With those people I touch now, I am developing rich, deep relationships which greatly enhance our life experiences, and I am grateful.

 

You can join the Grief and Happiness Alliance which meets weekly on Sundays by clicking here

You can order the International Best Selling The Grief and Happiness Handbook by clicking here.

You can order Loving and Living Your Way Through Grief by clicking here at Amazon:

You can listen to my podcast, Grief and Happiness, by clicking here

Lani

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Yesterday I went to the beach here on Maui to watch a group of children learn about a special tradition we do in Hawaii. There were twelve children, 6 boys and 6 girls. They were brought together by two organizations, Experience Camps and Camp Manitou to spend 5 days in beautiful Maui. All the children are dealing with the grief of a close loved one. I went to their special ceremony on their final day.

We met on the beach, and a Kupuna, an honored Hawaiian elder, spoke about how in Hawaii, the people looked up at the sky and noticed how it joins with the ocean where they blend together. She said how most people look into the sky for heaven, but Hawaiians see the ocean and sky together as one, and they call that Lani, the Hawaiian word for heaven. In Hawaii, when someone dies, a celebration is often held at the beach, where flowers are released into the ocean/lani to celebrate them.

The children and their counselors all went out into the ocean in canoes and on paddle boards. They gathered in a group where orchids and plumerias were given to the children to release into the water. Then to their surprise, a helicopter arrived above them. Because it was a rescue helicopter, it had a siren going, which delighted the children. Then cascades of flowers were released over the children to join them in honoring their loved ones. All of the adults on the beach were in awe and tears.

In our society, we often equate grief with older people, yet we all experience different kinds of grieving throughout our lifetimes. The concept of death may sometimes be beyond the understanding of our children, and they are often left alone in their sorrow or, even worse, taunted or bullied about their grief by their peers.  Allowing children to be with others who are also dealing with loss can help normalize the experience for them.

I am including the link below for Experience Camps which has a beautiful, inspiring short video about Experience Camps, and an article from their website called “Can we please stop grief shaming.” Think about the grief children are experiencing. You’ll never know when you may discover a child you can comfort during this challenging experience.

When my husband Ron died, the people who attended the ash scattering service all showed up with grocery bags full of flowers from their yards for us to take out on the canoes to release with the ashes. Then when my sister died during the pandemic, I couldn’t go to be with my family. I took flowers from my yard to the beach and released them thinking of her. Yesterday the Kapuna handed me flowers, so I released them into the lani with such sweet memories. This beautiful tradition I will always remember, and whenever I go to the ocean, I will do so with love, sweet memories, and flowers.

 

Link to Experience Camps

Link to Experience Camps blog Can We Please Stop Grief Shaming?

Link to Camp Manitou

 

https://experiencecamps.org/

https://experiencecamps.org/blog/can-we-please-stop-grief-shaming

https://campmanitou.mb.ca/

 

 

You can join the Grief and Happiness Alliance which meets weekly on Sundays by clicking here

You can order the International Best Selling The Grief and Happiness Guide by clicking here.

You can order Loving and Living Your Way Through Grief by clicking here at Amazon:

You can listen to my podcast, Grief and Happiness, by clicking here

 

Where Does the Time Go?

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I don’t know about you,, but it seems that every day someone says, “I can’t believe it’s July already.” This year is half gone yet it seems like it barely got started!  When I reflect on the year so far, there is so much I don’t remember, but I realize that’s because I’ve been so busy that I rush through most of what I do.

My birthday is coming up soon, so I have been thinking about my age and realize I don’t have anywhere near the number of days left than the ones I’ve lived so far. Each of my coming days is a new opportunity to live my very best life, so I plan to make each of them the best they can be. To that end, my plan is to stop wasting time. I can expand my time by focusing on what I experience at the moment.

I admit that I sometimes get pulled into the siren song of the screen. When waiting for something, I’ll play just one more game, and that leads to playing another. There isn’t any benefit there except “killing time.” What an unpleasant expression! Why would I want to do that? Instead of killing time, I now plan to savor those moments. I can just be still and focus on my breathing. That feels so good.

I also know I can expand my time. When my day is jammed full of “stuff” I feel I have to do, I find myself racing to get it done, and by the end of the day, I am tired, and it seems that the day is too short. When I don’t over-plan my day, leaving space for downtime, my day feels longer.

Instead of packing my day with a mile-long to-do list, I choose the three most important things I plan to accomplish, and only when they are complete do I create a new list of the three things that are most important to me to finish. On each list, I am sure to include things like going for a walk, reading a novel for a half an hour, or baking a pie for dessert. When I sprinkle in fun, relaxing things like this in the list that I do to enjoy, I still accomplish what I need to each day while I am taking good care of myself by making time for things that make me happy.

Instead of stressing about how much time it takes to do things, mindfully choose what you are using your energy for. When I spend an hour doing something I don’t enjoy, like entering data into my computer, it feels like four hours is an eternity, and I feel exhausted. When I spend an hour creating a watercolor-painted birthday card, it feels like time stops while I am creative, and I feel energized when I finish.

I love Simon and Garfunkel’s “59th Street Bridge Song,” otherwise known as Feeling Groovy. I smile knowing that’s a great way to feel:

“Slow down, you move too fast,

Got to make the morning last . . . .

Looking for fun and feeling groovy . . . .

Life, I love you, all is groovy.”

When you live mindfully, you can savor those moments you’ve expanded and feel groovy.

 

You can join the Grief and Happiness Alliance, which meets weekly on Sundays, by clicking here.

You can order the International Best Selling The Grief and Happiness Guide by clicking here.

You can order Loving and Living Your Way Through Grief by clicking here at Amazon:

You can listen to my podcast, Grief and Happiness, by clicking here

 

 

 

Choose Your Guide

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Every Sunday the Grief and Happiness Alliance gathers on Zoom to write together and learn happiness practices. We write on different subjects every time, and when we share what we wrote about, we learn much from each other.

This week, I invited the participants to write a dialogue, a conversation with someone they would love to have a guide or mentor them through their grieving. Whoever they chose didn’t have to be living now. The range of people they chose revealed the distinctiveness of concerns the participants were dealing with.

One chose Maya Angelou because of her strength and tenacity in dealing with life. Ms. Angelou is a powerful storyteller who explores deep truths.  I was fortunate to be in her presence when I attended a conference where she was the speaker. I’ll never forget her powerful, resonant voice, which enlivened each word she uttered. Since that experience, whenever I read something she wrote, I hear her speaking the words in my mind and feel her power. I would love to have a conversation with her to hear her advice for me.

Another writer in our group chose Thich Naht Hanh, a Vietnamese Buddhist monk who is considered to be the “father of mindfulness.” With his gentle words, he explores concepts like loneliness, worrying, and peace with sage advice for anyone, yet we can apply that guidance to our grief experience now. Just thinking about his gentle spirit and tranquil smile brings me peace.

Others chose people like a favorite minister or a lifelong friend.  We were all seeking different types of guidance and comfort. I found myself in a conversation with my husband, Ron.  I asked him a question, and his words just poured out with consummate guidance that not only helped me right now but are guiding my next steps. When this happened, I realized I needed to contact him more often. Just as when we used to have our wonderful conversations on our lanai, we can still have them now. I just realized that the word for patio in Hawaiian is lanai, and the word for heaven is lani. So similar. Our very special place to spend time together is still here and is heavenly.

Who would you like to have as your guide or mentor as you deal with grief? You could have more than one. When you keep your heart open to inspiration, you discover your guidance is already there, waiting for you to notice it.

 

 

You can join the Grief and Happiness Alliance, which meets weekly on Sundays, by clicking here.

You can order the International Best Selling The Grief and Happiness Guide by clicking here.

You can order Loving and Living Your Way Through Grief by clicking here at Amazon:

You can listen to my podcast, Grief and Happiness, by clicking here

You can order the International Best Selling book in 9 countries that I wrote a chapter in, Ignite Forgiveness, by clicking here