The Grief and Happiness Alliance

self-care

The Gifts You Give Blog

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This year seems to have flown by. November suddenly appeared on my calendar and all those end-of-year have-tos took over my mind like Christmas cards, gifts, gatherings, and special events. I took a deep breath and made a decision to be mindful this holiday season. I am making a list of all I think I should do, and when I finish that list, I will go back and eliminate anything that doesn’t make me happy. I already feel better about the season.

Of the items I have left on my list, I am planning when to accomplish them being sure not to plan them too close together to allow me the space to relax and enjoy what I do. For instance, I love to make Christmas cards. I’ve been thinking all year of the design for the front of the card. I have been using drawings that I have done for about five years. Since I have been doing watercolor painting this year, I am switching to that.

Ron and I wrote together the sentiment we put inside of every card. I’ve used those same words for about eight years, so this year I am writing something fresh. And I am creating those cards by the third week in November so they will be mailed at the start of December with no stress.

I am also creating a list of who I will give gifts to. I’ve noticed that I have been receiving fewer gifts each year, so this year I am examining my gift list to make thoughtful choices of the people I give gifts to. I used to feel obligated to give many gifts which was a burden on my time and resources. I see now that I was choosing to do that, and I no longer feel the need to make that choice. I feel relieved already!

Minimal decorations for my home will allow it to feel more spacious and showcase the items I have collected over the years that I cherish and bring me memories that make me smile. That way there is not as much put out and then put away later.

Taking the time to write this has allowed me to see that I am simplifying my December plans so much that have nothing to stress about this season. This is allowing me to experience the peace and grace of the season that I have been much too busy to enjoy in the past. This is the best gift I can give to myself.

What can you do now at the beginning of November to allow you to experience your best holiday season ever? Happy holidays!

 

You can join the Grief and Happiness Alliance which meets weekly on Sundays by clicking here

You can order the International Best Selling The Grief and Happiness Handbook by clicking here.

You can order Loving and Living Your Way Through Grief by clicking here at Amazon:

You can listen to my podcast, Grief and Happiness, by clicking here

Like a Child

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I was a latchkey child. Back in the olden days when I was young, starting in Kindergarten I walked to and from school by myself and entertained myself after school. My favorite childhood memories came from those times. I was so creative! I loved being outside, and walking was fun for me. I loved looking at all the houses and imagining what went on inside.  I especially liked the luscious fragrances wafting from the kitchens or the sweet smell of freshly mowed grass.

I knew all the families on our block, so if I ever needed anything, I visited them. There were no fences. I especially liked the people across the street who had an aviary for parakeets. They’d let me help with the birds and even gave me a pretty blue one to keep as a thank you. I wasn’t lonely because Julie was my imaginary friend. We loved to play together, and she was an amazing listener who always liked my ideas. She shared my bedroom and loved the same toys I did. She was a perfect friend!

The freedom I experienced at such a young age taught me to be independent, wise, brave, creative, and self-assured.  I heard someone giving advice recently who said, “Let your little girl lead the way.” With that, I remembered my little girl and how cool she was!  When I thought of myself as a little girl, I was impressed. I also saw that the words I used to describe her then are words I can use to describe me now. Of course, in all the years between then and now, I could use lots of other words to describe me, not always so positive. Now I have come full circle and am happy and grateful for the simplicity of my life.

What was your little girl (or little boy) like? Does your life now reflect who you were when you were young? I don’t remember things like wants or needs. I do remember peace and happiness. When you start to get stressed and have lots of “if only” thoughts beating you down, remember the good feelings you had as a child and let that child guide you to smile, be brave, and be strong. Make a list of the good attributes you had when you were young, and consider how that child in your past can bring you joy today.

 

You can join the Grief and Happiness Alliance which meets weekly on Sundays by clicking here

You can order the International Best Selling The Grief and Happiness Handbook by clicking here.

You can order Loving and Living Your Way Through Grief by clicking here at Amazon:

You can listen to my podcast, Grief and Happiness, by clicking here

Me

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A popular assignment in writing classes at the university where I taught was to ask the students to write their own obituaries. I encouraged the students to write from the perspective of their futures as if they were 60 to 80 years old, reflecting on what they had accomplished in their lives.

The students had a hard time writing this.  They didn’t know what their futures would hold, and they had a hard time imagining what they might experience. They were focused on finishing their educations and getting jobs. I chose to write my own obituary to give them an idea of what theirs could be like. My life has changed so much since then, it’s time for me to write a new one,

Now I would focus on what has been most important in my life. Before I reflected on things like degrees, accomplishments, and awards. Now I write about love, relationships, and the beauty in my life.

Now what I want people to remember about me is that my purpose in life has been and is to serve others, not only my family and loved ones, but anyone who desires comfort, support, love, and happiness. And I would express how I would be honored if anyone would choose to emulate the purpose I have held.

I would also express my gratitude to everyone who has loved and supported me on my way. Of course, I also love to express that gratitude now while I can do it in person.

What would you write in your obituary?

 

You can join the Grief and Happiness Alliance which meets weekly on Sundays by clicking here

You can order the International Best Selling The Grief and Happiness Handbook by clicking here.

You can order Loving and Living Your Way Through Grief by clicking here at Amazon:

You can listen to my podcast, Grief and Happiness, by clicking here

Where Does All the Time Go?

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Do you ever get to the end of the day and feel further behind from when the day started? That’s not uncommon. Often, our To Do Lists are much longer than can possibly be accomplished in just one day, yet we keep plodding through with time slipping away and the list getting longer. Here are some ideas to help with this.

  • If you have a To Do List, check to see if each item on the list is important. Remove anything that is not important, choose the top three things on the list, and do all three first. Then choose the next top three. This helps you to release feeling overwhelmed.
  • When you accomplish something, pause before you jump right to the next thing. Take a breath. Smile. Stretch. Be gentle with yourself as you move forward.
  • Eliminate waiting from your life. Knowing that you only get to live each moment once, feel the value of that moment. Instead of going directly to your phone when you have a free moment, use that time to discover the beauty that surrounds you or to introduce yourself to the person sitting next to you. Or you could write a note or text to someone just to tell them you are thinking of them. Or just be silent and still.
  • Think about how people say they are “killing time.” Time is all we have, so why would you want to kill it? Value your time. Enjoy your time.

You have all the time in the world to live. Take advantage of your time to focus on what matters most to you. You will discover you smile more and fret less. What a beautiful way to live! Live in and enjoy every moment.

 

 

You can join the Grief and Happiness Alliance, which meets weekly on Sundays by clicking here

You can order the International Best Selling The Grief and Happiness Handbook by clicking here.

You can order Loving and Living Your Way Through Grief by clicking here at Amazon:

You can listen to my podcast, Grief and Happiness, by clicking here

Reaching to the Other Side Blog

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My mother stayed in my home for several months before she transitioned. She had a meningioma, a non-malignant brain tumor which was not treatable. During this time, she lost weight, and sometimes she would seem like she was living in a different realm. My dad had died several years before, and she stopped smiling then. However, once she learned of her brain tumor diagnosis, she started to smile again and sometimes even laughed. I realized that she was grateful that she wasn’t going to be living much longer.

One day I heard her talking in the other room, so I went to check who was there. She didn’t see me come in and continued her conversation, only I didn’t see anyone. I also had no idea what she was saying. These random conversations continued happening, and she usually was smiling as she talked. Occasionally she would notice me listening. She’d smile at me then continued her conversation with whoever it was.  When I asked who she was speaking to, she’d just smile and keep talking. I noticed that sometimes she was reaching toward her visitor.

She started declining rapidly and lost so much weight that she was almost beyond recognition.  One day as I sat at her bedside, I sensed that she was slipping away. I held her arm where I could feel her pulse, and I talked to her.  I was moved by her gentle breath and told her, “It’s OK for you to go. Daddy is waiting for you.” As soon as I said that, her pulse slowed, then stopped. I realized she had been waiting for permission.

Years later, my mother’s sister Ila, started having strange behavior.  She had legally appointed me as her decision-maker, so I took her to the doctor. She was also diagnosed with a meningioma. She became confused and didn’t recognize her loved ones. I could see her frustration as she declined. I found a good place she could stay for care where a friend of mine was the Director of Nurses. I ensured all of her financial and legal affairs were in order. One night a nurse called me to say she had a fever, so I rushed to her side.  Even though she had a Do Not Resuscitate order, the nurse had called an ambulance. Fortunately, I was there when they came so that I could show them the order, so they left. As I sat by her side, I told her that she could let go, that my mother and her mother were waiting for her.  With that, she stopped breathing and passed peacefully.

Years later, my mother-in-law was living with us. She was diagnosed with a bowel obstruction and was in the hospital. She was in her nineties. The doctors pressured my husband to allow them to operate because she was in pain. He decided to go home to pray. I stayed with her as pain seemed to disappear and she started to talk to people I couldn’t see, and she was speaking in a strange language like I had heard my mother use years before. She also reached her hand toward who she was talking to. When my husband came back into her room, she died peacefully.

This week I am attending Death Doula Training. We are at a beautiful place on Maui with ocean views and tropical breezes, and the room is filled with so much love. As we shared our stories, people mentioned how when people they were attending to who were close to death they would reach out and speak to someone that only they could see. Listening to these stories combined with my own, it became clear to me there is more to transitioning from this earthly life than we may realize. I also am experiencing how precious this life experience is.  I have learned much as my loved ones depart from this earthly plain, and I am grateful.

 

You can join the Grief and Happiness Alliance which meets weekly on Sundays by clicking here

You can order the International Best Selling The Grief and Happiness Handbook by clicking here.

You can order Loving and Living Your Way Through Grief by clicking here at Amazon:

You can listen to my podcast, Grief and Happiness, by clicking here

The People You Touch

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In early grief, self-isolation is common. Frequently, we are not interested in conversation and talking to anyone may seem like a chore. We may not even feel like getting out of bed or getting up off the couch. Being outside may feel insecure, so hibernating indoors, waiting for all the pain to fade away, may be the best thing we can do at that moment.

Eventually, the light starts to break through. Maybe it’s a particularly beautiful sunrise you step outside to fully experience. Or maybe you develop a craving for a certain food, so you venture to the corner store. Whatever the inspiration, inevitably, you’ll be ready to start moving forward.

Initially, your friends and family may have been checking up on you, but the longer you are isolated, the less frequently they reach out. Now that you are awakening, you see that the rest of the world has already moved on. What you are missing now is company, but you may be too tender to reach out.

If this is your situation, commit to self-care.  Start by daydreaming about what would feel good who you would enjoy being with. One of my friends decided to take me to the beach. I didn’t have much energy, so I sat in my beach chair while she went on a walk. Basking in the sunshine, I enjoyed the rhythm of the waves and the children’s laughter at the shore.  This felt so good, and I knew I was ready to bring myself to the beach next time and go for a walk.

Instead of waiting for someone else to come along and sweep me away, I signed up for a ceramics class. This was a safe space for me to observe, listen and learn. And feeling the clay in my hands again after so long was refreshing. I realized that my creativity nurtures me, and I decided to do more. I also enjoyed listening to the conversations of my fellow students and eventually joined in.

I gained strength by being with others, so I decided to create a group of people who were grieving and wanting to feel better. We could get together and write and share what we were writing. Strangers to each other at first, we became like family, caring for and supporting each other. And the group grew.

With Thanksgiving coming up, I had been dreading the holiday alone. Most people I knew already had plans for the day, so I decided to invite people I’d been missing to come to my house the week before Thanksgiving for a Friendsgiving celebration. Many people came and were thrilled to get together again. We ate and played music and games, having a wonderful time.

I realized I didn’t have to be alone. Many people had missed me and were at a loss of how to reconnect. Being with my friends, feeling the warmth of their care, I knew I was on my way forward, never to go back to the lonely, isolated place I’d been dwelling.

Now I know that while enjoying some alone time and rest, being with old and new friends is where I am meant to be. Now I facilitate gatherings, I take and teach classes, and I don’t hesitate to reach out when I desire company. With those people I touch now, I am developing rich, deep relationships which greatly enhance our life experiences, and I am grateful.

 

You can join the Grief and Happiness Alliance which meets weekly on Sundays by clicking here

You can order the International Best Selling The Grief and Happiness Handbook by clicking here.

You can order Loving and Living Your Way Through Grief by clicking here at Amazon:

You can listen to my podcast, Grief and Happiness, by clicking here