self-care

The Power of Optimism

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I lived most of my life in neutral, with sometimes sprinkles of happiness and sadness. In dealing with grief, I found myself more often on the sad end of the scale. When I realized that’s where I was, I made on conscious effort to tip the scales in my favor and spend my time on the top seat of that teeter-totter. I read much about happiness, became a Happy for No Reason Certified Trainer, started the Grief and Happiness podcast, and listened to happiness podcasts.

I learned that in early grief I easily fell into the role of “catastrophizer” where I magnified my woes and focused on the worst that could happen. That did not serve me and made it difficult to move forward with my life. When I came to understand what I was doing, my epiphany was that I was in charge of my thought patterns, and I knew I could change my mind. When I chose to dispute my catastrophic thoughts and focus instead on positivity, I found the power of optimism.

With the birth of positive psychology by psychologist Marty Seligman, more research on happiness resulted in great books, fascinating podcasts, and university classes about Happiness. One of my favorite happiness experts is Dr. Laurie Santos who created a Happiness course at Yale University which has become the most popular course there in its 300-year history. She also hosts a delightful podcast, The Happiness Lab, which I highly recommend.

All the scientific research has demonstrated innumerable benefits of happiness. A few of those benefits are:

  • Optimists try harder.
  • People like to be around optimists.
  • Optimists tend to do their best at whatever they do.
  • Prosperity comes more easily to optimists.
  • Optimists are likely to live longer.

When you emphasize happiness in your life, you will keep feeling better and better. This is something we all crave while grieving. The self-care of paying attention to keeping your emotions positive allows you to experience more positivity which in turn lightens your grief.

So, in the words of Bobby McFerrin, “Don’t worry! Be Happy!”

 

 

You can join the Grief and Happiness Alliance which meets weekly on Sundays by clicking here.

You can order Loving and Living Your Way Through Grief by clicking here at Amazon:

You can listen to my podcast, Grief and Happiness, by clicking here

You can order the International Best Selling book in 9 countries that I wrote a chapter in, Ignite Forgiveness, by clicking here

Be a Day Maker

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My granddaughter came to my rescue when I was having a challenge on how to do something on my computer. We had a Zoom call and worked together, and we had a great conversation. That made my day! The next day a good friend asked me to Zoom with him. We laughed so much together as we were catching up, and that made my day.  Then another good friend called me on the phone to see how I was doing. We had a thought-provoking conversation that I hadn’t realized I needed. And it was lovely just to hear her voice. Again, that made my day.

These contacts are extra special to me especially because I live in Hawaii, the most remote place in the world. It’s easy to lose touch with loved ones who live far away. Each of these calls brightened my day and brought me happiness and loving support. I started thinking about other things that would fit in that category, and I thought of lots from just the last few days. A friend brought me some juicy fresh figs, another friend brought me packages of seeds for my garden, and another friend took all my cardboard to the recycling center for me. And my day was brightened by chare vegetables from my garden with my neighbors and teaching happiness techniques at the Grief and Happiness Alliance meetings.

Knowing wonderful people and interacting on so many levels brighten my life every day. I encourage you to think about what brightens your day. If something doesn’t come to mind right away, think some more.  We have a tendency to look at the negative first which can block our realization of what is good for us that we are already experiencing. If this is happening for you, try focusing on the good things that happen in your life, and make a conscious effort to do something to brighten someone’s day every day, and pay attention to how good that feels!

How can you help make the day for someone else today? What can you do for yourself that can make your day? Be sure to do whatever it takes to make today your best day!  Then keep doing that every day.  You’ll be so glad you did!

 

You can join the Grief and Happiness Alliance which meets weekly on Sundays by clicking here.

You can order Loving and Living Your Way Through Grief by clicking here at Amazon:

You can listen to my podcast, Grief and Happiness, by clicking here

You can order the International Best Selling book in 9 countries that I wrote a chapter in, Ignite Forgiveness, by clicking here

Your Words

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William Shakespeare wrote many plays: comedies, histories, and tragedies. He also wrote poetry, especially sonnets. He wrote all this centuries ago, yet his words are read, spoken, and performed around the world still. Have you thought about the power and importance of the words you write?

In Macbeth Shakespeare wrote:

“Give sorrow words.

The grief that does not speak

Whispers the o’er fraught heart,

And bids it break.”

When I read these words, I contemplated all the words I have given to my grief.  In early grief, the words seemed to float in my consciousness, not sticking together or seeming to make sense.  I realized that to be able to truly contemplate my situation, I had to find a way to tie the words together into thoughts to give my sorrow words. So, I started writing.

My early grief writing was fragmented and written without a clear sense of purpose. When a thought was not clear, I started writing out what I was thinking.  The more I wrote, the clearer my ideas became.  This was not writing I would share with anyone. I used it for reflection. I explored the spaces left empty from my loss to fill them up with a new sense of purpose.

The more I wrote, the more I expressed my grief by committing my thought to paper, and the more I could see I was making progress in moving forward. I started craving the process of writing making my journal my cherished friend. The more I wrote, the better I felt as I was making discoveries about who the new me was becoming.

My career teaching writing at the university imbued in me the importance of the written word. I chose to start channeling my writing into the comfort and support I could bring to those dealing with grief and loss. By becoming comfortable with the words I shared, I saw the value of my experience to shepherd others through their loss. The Grief and Happiness Alliance has allowed me that opportunity.

The words you commit to writing can support you immeasurably now and can comfort your loved ones in the future.

Write on–

 

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You can join the Grief and Happiness Alliance which meets weekly on Sundays by clicking here.

You can order Loving and Living Your Way Through Grief by clicking here at Amazon:

You can listen to my podcast, Grief and Happiness, by clicking here

You can order the International Best Selling book in 9 countries that I wrote a chapter in, Ignite Forgiveness, by clicking here

A Reason A Season A Lifetime 

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People come into our lifetimes for a reason, a season, or a lifetime. In every relationship, there is a gift and in entering relationships, I choose to be mindful to recognize that gift.

People who come to us for a reason could be doctors, teachers, housekeepers, lawyers, beauticians, salespeople, and anybody who joins us for a specific purpose.  We don’t necessarily need to create a long-term or close personal relationship with these people, but we can make a positive difference in each other’s lives. Yesterday my friend and I went out for breakfast. The person who was serving us didn’t seem happy. She didn’t make eye contact or smile. We didn’t know what was wrong, and we didn’t need to. We just smiled and spoke to her positively; she looked up and smiled. She mentioned she was having a bad day, and we knew how we interacted with her at that moment brightened how we all felt.

People who come to us for a season are close to us for a time. I experienced this often when I was doing theatre. A cast would work closely together for at least five weeks blocking and learning lines and developing characters. Then the performances went on for weeks. When the show completed its run, we’d go our separate ways. While we were together, we felt like family. That changed after the run of the show as we found a new temporary family in the next production.

People who come to us for a lifetime become extended family as we develop those relationships. People from the reason and season categories can merge into our lives for the long term. I have special friends in this category all the way from high school to now. We don’t have to see each other often but always reside in each other’s hearts. When my husband was terminally ill, a friend from high school showed up who I hadn’t seen for many years. She saw I needed support and moved in with me and helped me care for him. Her companionship and assistance were priceless.

In reflecting on the people who have been and are significant in your life, think about ways you can enhance those relationships. How can you share joy with those you love? I am grateful for those who are always there to support and guide me on my way, and I am grateful to do the same for them.

Who can you share some comfort, support, and love with today?

 

You can join the Grief and Happiness Alliance which meets weekly on Sundays by clicking here.

You can order Loving and Living Your Way Through Grief by clicking here at Amazon:

You can listen to my podcast, Grief and Happiness, by clicking here

Tenacity

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My mom loved to do crossword puzzles, the really big 1,000 piece puzzles.  She would spread them out on the dining room table, and we’d be eating off TV trays in the living room. Sometimes I’d sit with her and try to help, but I’ve got to admit, they were somewhat overwhelming.  Mom was tenacious though. She always finished each puzzle.

Eventually, when the puzzle was complete, it would be swept back into the box. I always wondered what it would be like if the whole puzzle fell to the floor, breaking into 1,000 pieces. Picking up each little piece would be tedious, and some pieces were sure to go missing.

Grief can feel like that puzzle broken on the floor. The person grieving would search for every piece, but it would take a while, and some pieces may never be found. One would think there has got to be an easier way, and there is. By making a conscious choice to do what you need to so you can move forward in your life, you will start to feel better.

The two main things you can do at this point in your grieving process are to pay attention and to get out of your own way. Pay attention to experiences you have, to thoughts that come to you, and to feelings that linger. Journaling helped me more than anything else especially early on.  During this tender time, we are likely to feel blank and empty or easily overwhelmed, so writing about these feelings when they happen can be helpful.

What occurs for you may vary.  You could have the experience of friends fading away as they go on with their lives, or the lack of motivation to get out of your bed, or eating too much or too little. You may be overwhelmed by thoughts about what to do next or how you will ever be able to move forward. Feelings of loneliness, sorrow, or hopelessness can dominate every waking moment. The good news is, there is a way to deal with all of this.

First recognize that you are in control, though it may not feel that way. We tell ourselves things like “I can’t do this,” I don’t know what to do,” or “I am too tired to do anything.” These are all examples of getting in your own way.  The first step is to eliminate all this negative self-talk. Make a decision to notice when your monkey mind starts whispering in your ear saying things like “I can’t,” or “I don’t.” Change those thoughts as soon as they come to you. Flip the direction to “I can,” “I do,” or “I am.”  Then follow through with your new intention.

Everything you experience is either positive or negative. Feeling both at the same time is impossible. Joy and pain do not exist in the same moment. Keep this in the front of your mind and focus on what you will experience.

Now pay attention to what is happening and get out of your way. Be a tenacious person who never gives up or stops trying.  You can do this. Start now.

 

 

You can join the Grief and Happiness Alliance which meets weekly on Sundays by clicking here.

You can order Loving and Living Your Way Through Grief by clicking here at Amazon:

You can listen to my podcast, Grief and Happiness, by clicking here

You can order the International Best Selling book in 9 countries that I wrote a chapter in, Ignite Forgiveness, by clicking here

Balance

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Life is a delicate balance. We breathe in. We breathe out. Our hearts beat. Our hearts relax after each beat. We are awake. We sleep. For every action, there is a counteraction. This balance allows our bodies and hearts to live, to thrive.

When a loved one dies, our balance is thrown off. As we mourn, our balance is askew. Think of old-fashioned balance scales where 2 pans hang down from a bar. What you want to weigh goes on one pan and weights are added to the other pan until both pans are at the same level.

When death occurs, people mourn. The people who are closest to the person who died usually mourn the deepest. Picture yourself on one side of the scale and your loved one on the other side. When your loved one dies, they leave the scale causing your side of the scale to fall to the lowest point, completely out of balance.

The process of grieving allows you to place what helps you on the other side of the scale gradually bringing the scale back into balance. In early grief, you are at the lowest of the low, and when you are ready, you start discovering what you need to bring you back into balance. You start with the basics.

Your body takes care of itself by drawing air into your lungs. Paying attention to your breathing allows you comfort. You can control your breathing to a certain extent, and closing your eyes and taking deep breaths helps you reset. Your heart beats to keep your body functioning. The stress of grief can cause the heart to beat faster and the blood pressure to rise. Focusing on deep breathing and relaxing can help to normalize both of these.

Your metaphorical heart may feel broken, and love can help mend that break.   Healing comes from receiving the love that your friends and family bring to you as you deal with your loss. Just as important is the love that you reflect on these people. Taking time to recognize that giving and receiving love brings you strength and gives you comfort.

Pay attention to what brings the balance that you crave back to you. Everything you do, even if it feels ordinary, contributes to your balance. Remembering to eat, to walk, to sleep, to bathe all contributes to leveling those scales. The more you enjoy these ordinary things, the sooner the scales will level.

Focus on what serves you, what heals you, and your balance will return.

 

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You can join the Grief and Happiness Alliance which meets weekly on Sundays by clicking here: https://www.griefandhappiness.com/offers/ytK7eLBa

You can order Loving and Living Your Way Through Grief by clicking here at Amazon:

https://www.amazon.com/Loving-Living-Your-Though-Grief/dp/1642504823/ref=tmm_pap_swatch_0?_encoding=UTF8&qid=1658356016&sr=8-1

You can listen to my podcast, Grief and Happiness, here: https://podcasts.apple.com/us/podcast/loving-and-living-your-way-through-grief-with/id1509589686?i=1000535381763

You can order the International Best Selling book in 9 countries that I wrote a chapter in, Ignite Forgiveness, here:

https://smile.amazon.com/Ignite-Forgiveness-Journey-Peace-Harmony-ebook/dp/B0BLFCYYD6/ref=sr_1_1?crid=9C6VAFE42H5C&keywords=ignite+forgiveness+book&qid=1669836040&sprefix=Ignite+forg%2Caps%2C284&sr=8-1