The Grief and Happiness Alliance

self-care

Trauma

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I recently attended a women’s retreat, and when one of the speakers asked how many of us had experienced sexual trauma during our lives, almost every person there raised their hand. I was shocked. I had my hand up too, and realized that I have gone through my life not talking to anyone about what occurred to me as a 16-year-old. Though I hadn’t shared this information, it affected me deeply and changed the course of my life.

I wonder why so many of us don’t talk about traumatic experiences. My experience caused years of fear, worry, doubt, and lack of self-esteem. I escaped my feelings by throwing myself into busy-ness, trying to somehow prove that I was a good person though I am not sure I believed it myself. When I finally got into a great relationship, things started to turn around as I experienced true love and respect for the first time. I am sure this came because I had finally learned to love and respect myself.

How are you? Would you raise your hand if you were asked if you experienced trauma? If you would and you haven’t dealt with it, deal with it now. Start by writing yourself a letter listing all the good things about you. Are you kind? Are you happy? Are you reliable? Are you funny? Are you compassionate? Keep writing until you have a good long list. Thank yourself for all that is good and even great about you. Write your favorite examples of things you do that make you and others smile. Keep writing until you have a good, long letter describing the beautiful, wonderful person you are.

Keeping a journal is another way you can keep in touch with the special person you are. Make note of the kindness you extend to others. Keep track of the special things you do. Plan ahead for the wonderful things you are accomplishing. Notice your beautiful smile as you catch your reflection in a mirror.

Also, be sure to remove yourself from situations that can lead you in a negative direction.  If this proves hard for you, you may want to seek professional counselling. You are worth it.

When I was younger, I felt stuck in the life I thought I had to live. Now I’ve learned to live my best life, making healthy choices, and helping others along the way. You can do this too. Enjoy the process!

 

 

The Grief and Happiness Alliance

Loving and Living Your Way Through Grief

My email is emily@griefandhappiness.com

Let me know if you’d like to receive my newsletters which have lots of good things!

You can listen to my podcast here.

You can join the Grief and Happiness Alliance Gatherings which meet weekly on Sundays by clicking here

You can order the International Best Selling The Grief and Happiness Handbook by clicking here.

You can order The Grief and Happiness Cards by clicking here.

You can order Loving and Living Your Way Through Grief by clicking here.

 

What Can You Do?

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Are you lonely? Do you feel helpless? Do you feel like your world is crumbling around you? Do you realize you aren’t the only one feeling that way right now? The good news is you can do something about how you are feeling to help you feel much better.  Here are some ideas:

  • Reach Out. Who would you like to talk to? Which old friends are you missing? Start by making a list. Every time you think of someone, and that person to the list. Every day, pick a different person on the list and call that person. Plan a way to get together. Go for a walk or for coffee. Plan something to do together. Rekindle friendships. Then stay in touch.
  • Volunteer. What causes are you concerned about? Who can you help? Get active in your community. Find something that you can attend and meet new friends. I volunteered for the political party I am a member of. I met very interesting people by doing that and know I was making a difference. What could you volunteer for?
  • Play. Plan a game party where you can invite friends to play for favorite board games like Monopoly or Uno. Go to a water aerobics or Aqua Zumba class. Join a hiking group. Organize a block party for your neighborhood to meet all your. neighbors. Go somewhere to listel to live music and dance!
  • Learn Something New. What have you always wanted to learn? I love to take art classes. Take cooking classes. I discovered free community classes at our local college including classes in their culinary department. Join a community choir. Get involved in your community theater.
  • Join or Start a Book Club. Book clubs are usually created around a common interest like romance novels, mysteries, biographies, political issues, or travel. Often organizations have book groups. I like to participate in the book group for the American Association of University women. I’ve met some of my best friends there.

The key is to find ways to be around people you already know you like or people you would like to get to know. Chances are that if you sit home alone, which people often do while grieving, people won’t be coming to your house to seek you out. The longer you stay by yourself, the harder it is to get moving again.

Start by reaching out with people you already know and would like to spend more time with. They may be waiting to hear from you. Then reach out to people you don’t know but would like to. For instance, if you are concerned about a pollical issue, reach out to see how you can get involved to work on solving that issue. If you love to work with children, volunteer to read to them in their classrooms or at the local library.

The more we become involved in our communities, the more friends we can make, the more issues we can work on, the more we can learn, and the more we can help.

Start today. You’ll be so glad you did.

Love Everybody

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Right now, in our country and our world, there is much uncertainty, anger, hate, and fear, and that’s no way to live. The good news is there are steps we all can take to improve this situation.

When dealing with grief, people generally are focusing on themselves which is understandable. So, dealing with the strife that seems endemic at present can be overwhelming. Finding a way to focus on others who could use help and doing something positive can make a difference.  You can start small. When your neighbor isn’t feeling well, take their dog for a walk, or when you make cookies, make extra to share with a friend. Every step you take helps you to move forward through your grieving.

On an even bigger scale, do things to reach more people. I know when you read some of these suggestions that you may resist doing them. I can hear people say, “I can’t do that!” But you can. The key is to focus on all the love and all the good in the world. Here are some keys to follow:

  • Forgiveness. Some transgressions are so huge that the thought of forgiveness is hard to swallow. However, what good comes from holding a grudge against someone for what they have done? When you sincerely forgive someone, you can let go of what has happened.
  • Gratitude. Focus on all that’s good in your life. Every day, write down at least five things you are grateful for. The more things you write, the better you’ll feel, guaranteed!
  • Kindness.  Make being kind a practice in all that you do from the words you speak, to the hugs you give, and to the generosity you share. Think about how good you feel when someone is kind to you, then strive to share that feeling.
  • Happiness. Start by smiling. People are experiencing so much tension that there aren’t a lot of smiles out there right now. Smile at someone till they smile back at you. Babies and toddlers love to reflect your smile, so it is easy to start there, but try it with grownups too.
  • Love.  I know you love the people you are closest to, and that’s great.  The key is to love everybody else too. Imagine if there was no hate in the world. There would be no war, no violence, no crime. Wouldn’t that be amazing? Together, we can make that happen.

Start today. Your love can change the world.

 

The Grief and Happiness Alliance

Loving and Living Your Way Through Grief

My email is emily@griefandhappiness.com

Let me know if you’d like to receive my newsletters which have lots of good things!

You can listen to my podcast here.

You can join the Grief and Happiness Alliance Gatherings which meet weekly on Sundays by clicking here

You can order the International Best Selling The Grief and Happiness Handbook by clicking here.

You can order The Grief and Happiness Cards by clicking here.

You can order Loving and Living Your Way Through Grief by clicking here.

 

Art and Grief

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When I was a child, I spent much time alone. I discovered that if I found ways to keep myself busy, I didn’t feel lonely. I was creating my own happiness. Have you done something like this too? People may resort to isolation while grieving to avoid having to listen to others or even to figure out what to say. If that’s you, spend some time thinking about what you would love to do to engage your mind in something positive, something that would result in a beautiful smile.

I have always loved art and creativity. When I was a child, I didn’t have art supplies except for an occasional box of crayons. I loved those crayons in all the beautiful colors with the magical names. I would quickly fill coloring books then had no place else to color, so I would go outside where I could always find art supplies.

Mud was my favorite.  I could spend hours creating masterpieces by on smooth surfaces I would create on the ground. I would shape cups and bowls to serve at the tea parties I created for my imaginary friends. I even created a fort with a wall that was two feet high. That fort also became a cottage, or a store, or anything else I desired at the moment.

I took my first art class in high school and spent hours painting which led me to set and costume design in the theatre, and I even painted a mural I designed at a hospital. I also designed and made most of my own clothes. Art has always been a part of my life. I love to see it as well as to create it. When I travel, I always seek out the local and historical art of where I go.

After my husband Ron died, I turned to writing which was a passion of mine and an art form itself. While I loved ceramic sculpture and weaving, I craved more and started taking classes. I learned jewelry making, printmaking, and flower arranging. Then I took a drawing class. I had always known that I couldn’t draw, but I was wrong and ! enjoy drawing now. Have you ever felt like this? It can be surprising what might happen if you try something new.

Then I started finding watercolor classes online and discovered that I love that too! After following specific directions to paint mostly flowers, I saw that I wanted to learn more about the art of using watercolors to paint images of what I see rather that copying another artist’s idea of what they see. I found a watercolor fundamentals class taught at the Hui No‘eau Visual Arts Center on Maui taught by Jennifer Roberts Almodova.

I felt an immediate connection with Jennifer and appreciated learning from her the art essentials I was seeking. She taught me the single most important lesson how to paint or create art in general. She said to gather, organize, and set up the materials required, then to sit still, close my eyes, and take three long, deep breaths. She said to open my eyes and simply focus on what I was painting, letting everything else float away.

I loved this peaceful approach which felt like a meditation. Later as I was painting, she came to see how I was doing. I was a bit frustrated and started chattering about what I was doing wrong. I wasn’t looking at her as I spoke but noticed she was silent. When I looked up at her gentle smile, she was breathing slowly. I gazed into her eyes and became quiet, mirroring her slow, deep breaths. My frustration melted, and my creativity returned. Without a word, she taught me the lesson I needed. Still smiling, she moved on to the next student as I felt deeply supported and continued to paint.

All the art that I have seen, created, or enjoyed is experienced through my heart and is a wonderful companion to bolster me through grief and bring me solace. What can you create that will nurture your creativity?

 

 

The Grief and Happiness Alliance

Loving and Living Your Way Through Grief

My email is emily@griefandhappiness.com

Let me know if you’d like to receive my newsletters which have lots of good things!

You can listen to my podcast here.

You can join the Grief and Happiness Alliance Gatherings which meet weekly on Sundays by clicking here

You can order the International Best Selling The Grief and Happiness Handbook by clicking here.

You can order The Grief and Happiness Cards by clicking here.

You can order Loving and Living Your Way Through Grief by clicking here.

My Ohana

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I never dreamed I would live in Hawaii. I had been a California girl all my life. My husband Ron and I had purchased a home that we loved in Ventura, and I thought it was our forever home. I was surprised when that idea changed. He lived on Maui many years before I met him and brought me to Maui on our honeymoon. Experiencing Maui through his eyes, I fell in love with it too.

Maui was always so green and there were tropical flowers everywhere. The beautiful beaches are all open to the public. The sands range from white, to red to black. The breezes are generally gentle, and the sunsets are astonishing. The people are warm and friendly, and the culture is respected and kind.

We visited Maui several times with chickens greeting us at the baggage claim at the airport. Because of Ron’s declining health, we spent lots of time in the car driving around to enjoy the beauty.  One time we saw an open house and decided to go in. We met a helpful realtor there and Ron immediately made a new friend. By the time we got back into the car, we were talking about moving to Maui.

Everything happened quickly and soon we were in our new home on the side of Haleakala where we could see two side of the island and had a very big yard filled with tropical plants and fruits: bananas, papayas, lilikoi, avocados and more. The clear blue skies and ever-changing clouds created a peaceful atmosphere along with the constant serenade of the tropical birds.

We were immediately surrounded by a new family of friends. Everyone seemed to know each other. Grownups referred to people they respect as auntie, uncle, or cousin, and children were keiki.  My across the street neighbor came to my house to help me unpack. I soon knew more neighbors than I ever had anyplace else I had lived. I learned that all these new friends were part of my new Ohana.

“The word Ohana comes from oha, which is the highly revered taro plant, and it signifies that all ohana come from the same root. No matter how distantly we are all related, we come from the same root and are therefore from the same family.” (Google) My new ohana had more variety than you would think would be in one family. We helped each other out and celebrated things together.

When Ron would be in the hospital, he always had visitors. When we were home, we always had anything we needed.  One friend would drop by and tell me to go the beach while she visited with Ron. Other friends came caroling at Christmas time. They all gathered for a big surprise birthday party at a restaurant Ron had planned for me from his hospital bed the week before he died. They surrounded us with so much love the week he was on hospice, and they are still there for me, as I am for them, now and always.

I wish an ohana for everyone. If you don’t have one now, I encourage you to build one. In life today it seems that we all get so busy that we don’t take time for what’s most important: interaction with others. The love, kindness, and caring shared in an ohana strengthens us in facing whatever challenges come our way and brings us happiness. Reach out and find a new friend today. I’d be honored to be part of your Ohana.

 

 

The Grief and Happiness Alliance

Loving and Living Your Way Through Grief

My email is emily@griefandhappiness.com

Let me know if you’d like to receive my newsletters which have lots of good things!

You can listen to my podcast here.

You can join the Grief and Happiness Alliance Gatherings which meet weekly on Sundays by clicking here

You can order the International Best Selling The Grief and Happiness Handbook by clicking here.

You can order The Grief and Happiness Cards by clicking here.

You can order Loving and Living Your Way Through Grief by clicking here.

Remembering Valentines

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Valentine’s Day can be a trigger for people who are grieving.  Growing up I always looked forward to Valentine’s Day.  In our classrooms, we always had an art project where we would create a very large envelope that we decorated and hung on the wall. Then most of the students would put little valentines in each of their classmate’s envelopes.  Some students would get larger, special valentines to give to special friends. Then on Valentine’s Day got to open all our valentines and have fruit punch and cupcakes.  I always looked forward to that day.

In January of 2006 Hallmark card stores had a special sale where if you spent a certain amount in the store, you could get a CD with romantic songs sung by Michael Bublé. My husband Jaques had an amazing singing voice in the style of Frank Sinatra, which is much like Michael Bublé. At that point, Jacques couldn’t drive anymore and he asked me to take him to the Hallmark store without telling me why.

When we got back to the car, he handed me the bag from the store and asked me to open it. I told him if it was my Valentine, I would prefer to wait. He asked me to please open it that day, so I did, and it was the CD.  We played it a lot over the next few days. He died on February 6. I am so glad I opened it when he asked me to. 

On the first Valentine’s Day that Ron and I spent together, we went out for dinner. I had never gone out to dinner on Valentine’s day before, so that was special. After we were seated, he handed me a gift which had a gold heart and a silver heart intertwined. I still treasure that gift.

Ron was on Hospice for only five days, and during those days he made sure to say goodbye to everyone he wanted to. Many people came to the house to visit him, and he Face-Timed everyone else.  One person was a minister he had worked with years before. I had never met him and it was a challenge to track him down, but I was able to and they were grateful for that last conversation.

Five Valentine’s years after Ron died, I got a phone call from a number I didn’t recognize. I don’t usually answer those, but I felt like I needed to answer this one.  It was that minister. He was concerned that I might not know who he was, but I assured him that I did because Ron spoke so highly of him. He said he was cleaning off his desk that morning and a piece of scrap paper fell out of a book, and it had my phone number written on it. He said he felt that Ron must be asking him to wish happy Valentine’s Day to me. I am sure that he was.

Do you have any special Valentine’s Day memories? Be sure to write about them in your journal and spend some time thinking about all the love of every kind you have shared in your life. Close your eyes and feel the warmth of all that love.

Happy Valentine’s Day

 

The Grief and Happiness Alliance

Loving and Living Your Way Through Grief

My email is emily@griefandhappiness.com

Let me know if you’d like to receive my newsletters which have lots of good things!

You can listen to my podcast here.

You can join the Grief and Happiness Alliance Gatherings which meet weekly on Sundays by clicking here

You can order the International Best Selling The Grief and Happiness Handbook by clicking here.

You can order The Grief and Happiness Cards by clicking here.

You can order Loving and Living Your Way Through Grief by clicking here.