self-care

Serendipity and Inspiration

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Have you had the experience of creating a vision in your mind of something you would love to do, then things start happening around you showing you that you can do it? Is this serendipity, or is it part of the process of creation? I have had this happen so often that I have learned to pay attention when it happens. When I recognized the power of paying attention, I reflected on my life and saw lots of examples. Here are a few.

When my son Jason was born, I had complications, and the nursing staff was unhelpful to say the least. I could not understand how a nurse could treat a patient without care or compassion. I said to myself, “If I were a nurse, I would never do that to my patients.” Before that time, I hadn’t considered being a nurse, yet I became one, a caring and compassionate one.

Later, when I was in the process of getting my master’s degree in English, I had no idea of what I would do with the degree when I got it. My husband Jacques suggested that I observe a writing class, and two of his colleagues gave me the opportunity to as well as hiring me to grade the essays they assigned.  Their techniques were different, and I could see how I, as a student, would like to be taught, as well as seeing the things that they did that worked and the things that didn’t. This inspired me to start my career as a writing teacher. I loved being innovative and encouraging my students to live their best lives in the process.

Later still, I had a dream of opening a live theatre and school of arts. I was unsure of how I could do this. Then I watched the movie “Music of the Heart” which portrayed the true story of Roberta Guaspari who founded the Opus 118 Harlem School of music as she fought for music education funding in New York City public schools. I had been fighting to find ways to support arts education in the city where I lived, and when I watched the movie, I knew if she could accomplish what she did, I could accomplish what I wanted for my community, so I did.  When I heard the song as the song in the movie, that was my confirmation that I was doing what I was meant to do. Here are some of the words to the song Music of My Heart.

You opened my eyes

You opened the door

To something I had never known before

And your love

Is the music of my heart

 

You can find the complete lyrics here  and  you can watch the movie online.

Then when my husband Ron died, I spent lots of time writing to help me deal with my grief. A few months after my Ron’s death, his good friend Chappy died. I used what I had learned by my writing to write a series of 52 cards to send to his wife Lori, once a week for the first year. I realized that what I said in the cards made and outline for a book that could help many people deal with grief and loss. I wrote that book, Loving and Living Your Way Through Grief, and it is providing comfort and support those many people. I also realized that teaching others how to write to deal with their grief was helping them to be happy while they were grieving, so my focus now is on creating The Grief and Happiness Alliance. I look forward to you joining me there.

Whether what I have experienced has come from serendipity or inspiration, I am grateful for it all, and all these occurrences have brought much happiness to my life. My hope is that you pay attention to the serendipity and inspiration you receive. How can you find more happiness in your life by following your heart?

 

 

You can order Loving and Living Your Way Through Grief  by clicking here at Amazon.

I would be happy to put you on the reminder list for or Writing Together Through Grief occurring on Saturdays each week by sending an email to me to emily@lovingandlivingyourwaythroughgrief.com and giving me your email address.

Join my Facebook group here.

Loving Yourself

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Often while grieving we are hard on ourselves, expecting us to have superpowers to break through grief, then being disappointed when that happens. We also have periods of sadness we feel like it will never be over. And we may not be taking good care of us physically by doing things like staying in pajamas, not doing laundry, not bathing as often as we used to, letting our hair get dirty, not going to the gym, or not going for a walk. Not eating mindfully. Does any of this familiar to you? All of these are things you may experience during grief. The key with this is to recognize what you are doing and make an effort to do something different.

Having the strength to do anything may seem daunting.  Try picking just one thing and work your way through it until you can release it.  For instance, if in sadness you are just sitting, try standing up and stretching then find something to do, like call a friend, get a nice cool glass of water, and drink it, read a funny book, or watch a funny movie. If you are still in your pajamas, get dressed even if you aren’t planning on going someplace.  If you are dressed, you are more likely to leave the house or even answer the door.

Take a nice long bath or shower. I always feel so much better after I bathe. This seems to bring a delightfully energy to me. In my early days of grief, sometimes getting in the shower was just too hard to do. If you find yourself feeling this way, ask yourself some questions like will bathing help you feel better? Will you smell better? Will you be able to sleep better? Will you be more likely to visit with someone?  If you answer yes to any of these questions, go bathe now!

Are you moving enough?  I started walking just around my block. Then my walks got longer, and eventually I got back into the pool, and I went to the gym.  What kind of movement would you like to do?  How about gentle yoga, or just doing nice stretches a home. YouTube has a wealth of yoga demonstrations, as well as videos on Tai Chi and Qi Gong.  I love to do Qi Gong and meditate afterward. This allows me to release anything that is bothering me, and it makes me feel so good!

Are you eating too much or eating things that are healthy? Or maybe you are forgetting to eat, or you just don’t get around to eating.  I lost a lot of weight each time my husbands died. Eating just wasn’t a priority. This led to a great weakness, so I started being mindful for eating.  I committed to eating healthy, non-processed foods three times a day with one healthy snack. I started finding or creating new recipes which were easy just for me. If you are eating too much, try developing a relationship with your shopping cart. Make it a no candy, no cookies, no soda, and no chips zone. Treat your shopping cart well and it will serve you!

When you start to get down, recognize what is happening, and put your hands over your heart, take a deep breath and say, “I am happy.” Next breathe say “I am beautiful.” Next breath say, “I take good care of myself.” Then talk one more breath and say, “I love me.”

Doing what I recommend here is your map to happiness, and remember to smile always. Smiling along will make you feel so much better!

 

You can order Loving and Living Your Way Through Grief  by clicking here at Amazon.

I would be happy to put you on the reminder list for or Writing Together Through Grief occurring on Saturdays each week by sending an email to me to emily@lovingandlivingyourwaythroughgrief.com and giving me your email address.

Join my Facebook group here.

 

Going it Alone

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In an online meeting I was attending this morning, we were introducing ourselves, and when I told them about my book, they all wanted to talk about their grief. Most of the group expressed how they hadn’t really dealt with their grief because it was hard for them to talk about. They said things like they didn’t think other people would want to hear about, or they didn’t want to bring other people down, or that they didn’t want to deal with the sadness that comes to them when they do talk about their grief.  They also pointed out that they knew people grieving over losses other than grief.

Right now, it seems like we all are dealing with some form of grief whether it is from the loss of a loved one or the loss of a job, a home, an income, a pet, or anything important to our lives. And most of us just deal with our grief on our own then wonder why we are having a hard time.

When grieving, people tend to withdraw from other people to avoid the sadness, the crushing pain, or the reactions they get when they mention it. Does this sound like you or someone you know? With my own grief, I tended to keep to myself for the first couple of months. I just didn’t want to talk to anyone. And I didn’t want to listen to anyone either. Hearing them talk about anything other than my loss was difficult to deal with.  How could they care about what to fix for dinner or a new purchase they made?

Eventually I got to a point where I did want to talk or listen, but by then I needed to connect with people again. I tried to find groups on social media that I could join and be able to communicate, but I discovered so much sadness. At first, I was replying to every devastating story I read, and in the process, I seemed to be absorbing that sadness. I would stop writing when I was in tears. I realized that doing this wasn’t helping anyone.  The people who were writing the stories just needed to tell their stories and weren’t prepared to listen to a response. I assumed that because I never received a response from anyone I wrote to.

Eventually I decided to find new friends and I created a Meet Up group and invited people to join me to write about what we were grieving.  This worked. Meeting face to face we were all able to share and respond to each other. We all realized how much we needed to share our stories.  By meeting with this new group, I became more comfortable in reaching out to my friends, and they responded. I think they always wanted to but weren’t sure what to say. My reaching out to them broke the ice and we easily fell back into the relationships we had before my loss. And, when they were ready, they talked to me about how the loss affected them, too.

If you feel stuck now, don’t despair. People still love you. New people will love you, too. When you are ready, open your heart and allow people back in.

 

You can order Loving and Living Your Way Through Grief  by clicking here at Amazon.

I would be happy to put you on the reminder list for or Writing Together Through Grief occurring on Saturdays each week by sending an email to me to emily@lovingandlivingyourwaythroughgrief.com and giving me your email address.

Join my Facebook group here.

How Improving Your Morning Routine Can Change Your Life

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I have a confession to make. After my husband died, I found it harder and harder to get out of bed in the morning. I just didn’t feel ready to face the world.  First, I would try to convince myself that there was no need to rush, and that led to more sleep. Then I started bad habits like checking my email and social media accounts. That led to checking the news on my phone, which most often wasn’t good news. Then I would play just one game, which often let to more. I would try to talk myself into getting out of bed, but I wouldn’t listen.

Finally, I came to the point that I realized I was missing the part of my day when I am fresh and most creative, and I decided I needed to change. Your morning routine is likely different than mine was, but whatever it is, you can make it better.  Here are some hints that really work.

  1. The number one thing that will help is to get up earlier. If you automatically get up at 5 or 6, you can skip this step.  If you don’t, try getting up one hour earlier than you have been. This will give you a fresh new start on your day. If you have been having trouble sleeping, this may help. Often that trouble sleeping can be the result of staying in bed too long. If you need to set an alarm to get started on this new time, try that. You will discover that you can wake yourself up at the time you want to if your set your intention to do that. I didn’t think I would ever be able to do that because I used an alarm every day, but my husband convinced me to try, and it worked. Now I am no longer jolted out of my sleep and away from my dreams by an annoying alarm.
  2. Stretch in bed taking a few deep breaths. This is a loving way to gently get your body started for the day. Stretch out your arms. Pull you knees up to your chest. Roll your body back and forth. Take a few more deep breaths. This all feels so good!
  3. Now do your self-care. I just can’t do anything else before I brush my teeth. Be sure to floss your teeth, wash you face, and comb your hair. You don’t need to put on make-up or style your hair at this point. Then put on some comfortable, morning clothes.
  4. Next is your soul time. In your journal, start by writing at least five things you are grateful for. I am always amazed how good it feels to realize the wonderful things in my life. There are so many things to be grateful for! Then write a goal to accomplish today. Instead of writing a list, write just one thing. After you do that, you can decide what to do next. Then write one thing that brought you joy the day before. Be sure to smile while you write this along with why this thing made you happy. And take some time to meditate, if only for a few minutes.
  5. Eat something nourishing and healthy. Be sure you have food on hand that is easy to fix and enjoyable to eat. Be sure what you eat is fresh and natural avoiding processed foods. Your body will appreciate this loving care.

Changing my habit of seeing how long I could convince myself to stay in bed was a bit of a challenge. When I recognized how much better I felt when I did this new routine, I was happy to keep it up.  Now I feel energized as I start my day. My days are more fulfilling, and I am so much happier. Making a commitment to a positive change like this can make all the difference in how you feel. Try it, and enjoy the results!

 

You can order Loving and Living Your Way Through Grief  by clicking here at Amazon.

I would be happy to put you on the reminder list for or Writing Together Through Grief occurring on Saturdays each week by sending an email to me to emily@lovingandlivingyourwaythroughgrief.com and giving me your email address.

Stuck

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When I read what people are saying in some of the grief groups I follow, I notice that many people are stuck in their grief. The gist of what I hear is that people feel that if they lighten up on their grief, they somehow will lose the connection with their loved one who died.  The people who express this seem so sad, unable to connect with their new situation of their loved one’s passing. They seem to feel that they must stay sad because being happy in their situation feels like a betrayal to their loved one.

I was writing the other day about how my husbands would like for me to deal with my life now. In the process of writing, I felt my husbands smiling at me, so I started to smile while I was writing. When that happened, I realized that my husbands would want me to be happy. I remembered how when we first got together, Ron was always telling me to smile.  I was so serious then. As I looked in the mirror, I could see how much better I looked when I was smiling, and that smiling actually was making me feel better, lighter, and happy.

All of us people grieving will experience periods of yearning or sadness.  The key is to recognize these feelings, experience them, thank them, then release them and smile even if smiling is a challenge.  When we stay stuck in these feelings, that is all we are concentrating on.  Time goes on, and we aren’t moving forward with it because all we can think about is our loved one. When you find yourself falling into this abyss, take a few slow, deep breaths to center yourself, and commit to yourself to release those feelings.  And when they come back, do this again.  The more you recognize what you are doing, the easier it will be to deal with your feelings.

Make your journal your friend.  When you start feeling that sadness, anxiety, or yearning, write about what you are feeling. Include why you are feeling the way you are right now. What triggered this feeling?  For instance, if whenever you eat apple pie, you remember how much your loved one loved apple pie and always had to have two servings each time you made it. You find yourself feeling blue when you remember this.  Take some time to explore this feeling. My main memory of apple pie was how much I enjoyed making apple pie because Ron loved it so much, and it made him smile. Instead of staying stuck in that sadness you I was feeling, I could smile at the happiness of the memory.  You will be amazed how you can shift your reaction to your memories in a positive way so that you can release the sadness and replace it with the good memory.

I challenge you to pick up your journal each time you start feeling the negative emotions and find the joy in the experience you remember. Focus on that joy, and in the process, release that sadness.  The more you do this, the happier you will become until you find yourself naturally feeling the happiness while releasing the negativity.

You can do this.  You can be happy.  Your loved one would want you to be happy.

 

I would be happy to put you on the reminder list for or Writing Together Through Grief occurring on Saturdays each week by sending an email to me to emily@lovingandlivingyourwaythroughgrief.com and giving me your email address.

You can order Loving and Living Your Way Through Grief  by clicking here at Amazon.

Growing What is Good

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I started a Produce Share with neighbors when we first moved to Maui because we had such an abundance of fruit on our property, and I didn’t want it to go to waste. Every Friday, people would stop by and bring what they had to spare from their gardens, and we would share, no money exchanged.  Sometimes we even made jam or banana bread to share. And I found a way to share all the papayas, lilikoi, bananas, and avocados I had.

When the pandemic hit, the grocery shelves became bare.  Since Hawaii is said to be the most remote place in the world, we heavily rely on barges to bring in food from the mainland and other countries.  I thought of the Victory Gardens people planted during World Wars I and II where people grew and shared what they could from their gardens to be sure their families and friends had enough food to eat.

Since our produce share is still going after five years, I decided to expand my garden to have even more to share. I hired a gardener to put in some irrigation for me so as not to waste water, a precious commodity on an island.  He turned out to be an expert in in permaculture gardening, so I asked him to put in a huge garden to provide lots more food to share.  He used lemon grass and comfrey to make a beautiful border and keep the grass from the lawn from growing into the garden.

My new garden has gotten so big that I now have a lovely young woman who helps me keep it up with weeding and planting.  Yesterday she surprised me with a giant bunch of carrots she had pulled. I was surprised because I didn’t know they were there! Last spring before my big new garden was planted, I bought a package of carrot seeds and planted them, watered them, weeded around them, pulled them from the ground, shared them, and ate them.  I didn’t realize that I had left some of them in the ground.

Then one day I noticed one day that I was growing pretty white flowers in my vegetable garden.  At the top of tall green stems sat balls of little white flowers clustered together in the shape of pom-poms.  Upon investigation, I discovered a few giant carrots shouldering up from the ground attached to these flowers.  I had never seen carrot flowers before. My gardener told me to cut them, put them in a paper bag, and let them dry out.  When they were dry, I shook the stems, and a lot of tiny black seeds popped out, so I planted them.

I planted those carrot seeds next to the lemon grass, not understanding how large it would become.  When the distinctive carrot tops grew, they were hidden in the tall lemon grass, so when my garden helper discovered them yesterday, we were delighted! Precious food from the garden tastes the best!

My carrots seemed a metaphor for the cycle of life. We are born from tiny seeds which are nurtured as they grow. They provide food, beauty, and more tiny seeds to start the cycle again. We all grow through our own cycles, and on our way, the more we grow and share, the happier we are. Ultimately, our sharing is complete, and we have the opportunity to revert back to the soil and create more new food and beauty.

I am grateful I have so much beauty and bounty to share which makes my life just that much richer. What bounty do you share?

 

I would be happy to put you on the reminder list for or Writing Together Through Grief occurring on Saturdays each week by sending an email to me to emily@lovingandlivingyourwaythroughgrief.com and giving me your email address.

You can order Loving and Living Your Way Through Grief  by clicking here at Amazon.