The Grief and Happiness Alliance

Traditions

Take a Ride

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As a child, on Sunday afternoon my parents and I would often go for a ride in the car. We lived in a small farming town where there wasn’t much to do, so these rides were a very special treat. I sat in the back seat gazing out the window at the beauty of nature. The car didn’t have a radio so we would all sing together the same songs every time: A Bicycle Built for Two, California Here I Come, The Old Rugged Cross, and more.

I got quite an education from watching flood waters, remnants of fires, a dam being built, fragrant orange blossoms, and miles of fields growing cotton.

My favorite was going out in the spring to see all the wildflowers. Mom knew the names of every one of them. Sometimes we’d stop so we could get outside to see them up close. My favorites were the vast acreage of bright orange poppies especially when they had deep bluish purple lupine mixed in. That’s still my favorite color combination.

Recently I had to get a ride from a friend to an appointment. The weather was strange that day with light gray clouds high up in the sky providing an umbrella for the whole island of Maui. Under the clouds was crystal clear making everything seem bright and beautiful.

I had been on the road on the side of Haleakala volcano many times before, but this is the first time I saw it when I wasn’t driving. I was astounded by the beauty of the view of the valley between both sides of the island. It was easy to see the island of Lanai and the tops of the west Maui mountains both of which are usually covered with clouds.

The tropical flowers were stunning and so big. The colors were vibrant. Even the weeds were gorgeous displaying their own blossoms. And I spotted a contented goat standing by the road munching on those pretty weeds! I was so refreshed by the time I got home.

Those of us grieving often find it easy to hibernate, staying inside our homes with the curtains closed. This environment can become stuffy and colorless. If you start feeling this way, try getting outside. Jump into your car and drive someplace unfamiliar and beautiful. Take time to stop and experience fresh air and fragrant flowers. Stretch and maybe even take a walk. Look at everything with new eyes enjoying all you discover. Try taking some pictures or doing some sketches. Just relax and allow yourself to be immersed in the natural beauty.

You will find the more often you do this, the better you will feel. Take good care of your precious self.

 

The Grief and Happiness Alliance

Loving and Living Your Way Through Grief

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Holidays and Grief

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Christmas used to be such a special time. When I was growing up, we celebrated with my mother’s three sisters and their families. All the children slept on the floor like a big slumber party, and we would be very quiet because we were anticipating Santa’s reindeer on the roof. And they always came! We knew because we heard the reindeer’s hooves, sleigh bells, and Santa’s jolly Ho Ho Ho’s! As I reflect on these joyous family memories, I am amazed that the older cousins didn’t spoil the illusion.

When my children were young, we would travel to my mother and father’s house to gather with the family who had remained close enough to still come.  My husband Jacques used to call it Hazel’s Hassle (my mom was Hazel) because so many people crammed into mom and dad’s small home. My cousin still tickled me every chance he got even though we were adults by that time. Mom and her sisters provided a feast. I loved watching the four of them gathered in the small kitchen laughing and smiling.

Jacques and I were engaged our first Christmas together. We both were challenged financially at that time, so I got a small Christmas tree for my children to have at my house, and then we transported the tree, decorations, and all, to Jacques’s house because we planned to have dinner at his house.  What a mess to transport that little tree! We had decided we wanted a new Christmas tradition that we could establish our first Christmas together and do every year. We decided our tradition would be to make homemade ravioli. His mom was from Sicily, so she made the filling, I made the pasta, and Jacques made the sauce. Over the years, whoever was around while we were preparing the ravioli would help us put together the ravioli.

I still made ravioli when Ron and I got married. We also invited lots of people.  One year we even had two of his ex-wives!  It was always a beautiful celebration of love and friendship.  Now that Ron’s gone, I usually invite people who don’t have a place to go to join me for ravioli, but the pandemic has put a damper on that.

What has helped me the most now to deal with the holidays is to sit down and consciously write out my intention for the season. This intention is not a to-do list. Rather I decide what will serve me best through the holidays to create happiness and joy. This year I decided to have a small outside gathering with a few friends to create Christmas ornaments. I hosted that on a sunny day a week ago. The next thing I decided to do was create a Christmas card from a drawing I did and write a heartfelt message to send to those I love. And I set the intention to not stress about Christmas gifts.  The perfect things will come to me to give to the people I want to. In years before, the gift giving took so much time and caused stress, so now I am simplifying, and it feels good.

The gift I will give to me is to spend some quiet time setting one major intention for the new year that will guide my decisions and bring me happiness in what I do. I have found that focusing on one specific intention works so much better than having lots or resolutions to keep track of.

And the most important thing I am doing the holidays is to take good care of myself.  I do this by eating well, going for walks, doing my morning practice of writing and meditating every day. I say yes to invitations, and I say no when that is the appropriate answer. I also am sure to hydrate and smile genuinely often!

What intention can you create? What new traditions can you establish? When will you say yes or no? What will you do to take good care of yourself and to engage with others? Make these holidays filled with love and happiness.  You can do this. I know you can!

 

You can join the Grief and Happiness Alliance which will meet weekly on Sundays by clicking here: https://www.griefandhappiness.com/offers/ytK7eLBa

You can order Loving and Living Your Way Through Grief by clicking here at Amazon.

You can listen to my podcast, Grief and Happiness, here. https://podcasts.apple.com/us/podcast/loving-and-living-your-way-through-grief-with/id1509589686?i=1000535381763

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Times of Remembering

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On Memorial Day, my sweet neighbor Dawn brought me a bouquet of camellias and hydrangeas in remembrance of Ron. The camellias reminded me of the first day I visited Ron at his house and he picked me a beautiful camellia to put in my hair. He was so romantic. And that led us to talk of memories of Memorial Day. Ron and I always hosted a big bar-b-que. He made his famous ribs and chicken, and I cooked corn on the cob, potato salad, and peach cobbler and we invited everyone we knew. I miss those parties.

Now that I live in Hawaii, instead of having a bar-b-que, we celebrate Memorial Day by watching the Shinnyo Lantern Floating on television which takes place on Oahu.  This year was the 20thanniversary of this event that takes place on Ala Moana Beach. Families and friends honor their departed loved ones by decorating small lantern boats with the names, letters, poems, and flowers. Then the families wade out into the ocean to float the boats out into the bay. They have beautiful Hawaiian music and dancing combined with Japanese Buddhist Shinnyo-en traditions. Forty thousand people participate. After the lanterns float on the water for the evening, volunteers retrieve them to refurbish them to use again next year.

The touching part of the ceremony to me is how the presenters encourage the participants to discover their Shinnyo within to bless the community. On their website LaternFloatingHawaii.com, they define Shinnyo as:

“Shinnyo is reality, or the true nature of all things. It is the innate goodness, wisdom, and compassion inherently at the core of every living being. Shinnyo is the light that exists in all, without exception.

Shinnyo can also be understood as external forces, vibrant and infinite, that compassionaty lead us to moments of awakening – those serendipitous moments of feeling present and inspired. When we become aware of Shinnyo existing in and warmly encompassing us all, we can appreciate how interconnected we are.”

May we all remember our Shinnyo throughout the year by honoring our loved ones who have died and by supporting and loving the communities we live in.